Love Me Back To Life
by hollymarie4
Summary: After a accident that claims the life of two of her friends, Ashley struggles to put the pieces of her life back together until she meets Spencer who helps her to realize that it's okay to live after a tragedy. (Give Life a Chance and It Might Surprise You)
1. Reappearance

_New Story I told you guys I was working on. I will continue The Apocalypse: LAD once I get some inspiration for it. Thanks for your patience with that story. In the mean time, I hope you all enjoy this one. :)_

* * *

**_Reappearance_**

"Mom, dad, I'm home." I yell into the house as I drop my bags in the foyer. It feels good to be home. After being away for two years, even though my parents can get on my nerves, I've missed them terribly.

"Ashley!" They both shout as they emerge from separate rooms of the house, my mom from the kitchen and my father from the living room. I smile as they engulf me into a hug.

"It's so good to have you home." My mother tells me softly as she squeezes me tighter. Breathing is becoming a factor.

"Can't. Breathe." I tell my parents as they both grip me tighter.

"Oh sorry." They pull back and say at the same time. I can't help but chuckle.

"Ashleeeeey!" My little brother Tyler yells as he sprints down the stairs. The biggest smile appears on my lips. Out of everyone, I've definitely missed him the most.

"Hey buddy." I Scoop him up into my arms and squeeze him tightly.

"Can't breathe." He gasps out and we all chuckle. I shake my head as I put him down.

"How you been Ty?"

"Dad got me a whole bunch of games for my birthday and mom got me a bike, you wanna see Ash you wanna? Huh? Huh?"

"Slow down there Ty." I laugh, nodding my head. "Of course I want to see, just let me go get changed okay?"

"Okay." He nods, before running off, up to his room.

"Same old Ty I see." I say to my parents as I pick my bags up from the floor.

"Of course." My parents smile.

"Let me get those for you honey, I know it's been a long trip."

"That's okay dad." I wave him off. "I've got them. I'm gonna go get freshened up."

"Okay sweetie, dinner will be ready in a couple of hours."

"Okay." I nod and smile, making my way up to my room. I can feel my parent's eyes on me as I ascend the stairs. I know they've missed me as much as I've missed them, probably more. So I'll give them a few days to adjust.

I sigh as I push open the door to my room, dropping my bags at the door. I walk into the room a little. It feels like it's been forever since I was last here. Two years may not seem like a long time but a lot can happen in two years. I sit down on my bed as I look around my room.

A smile appears at my lips when I remember some of the times my friends and I had in this room, before that day when everything changed...

–

"_There's no way those are real, look at them." Madison shouts at the television._

"_Can you be any louder?" Aiden asks, quirking a brow at our friend._

"_Well I'm just saying..." She shrugs._

"_You know that's not a valid argument right? Cause technically you didn't just say anything." Aiden rebuttals, I laugh and shake my head at my friends._

"_Why don't you can it Dennison? How about that? Is that a good enough argument for you?"_

"_That's not—"_

_"Aide, you're not gonna win. Just let it go." I advise him as Madison turns her attention back to the television. I'm not even sure what we're watching. Some trashy show Madison turned it to, just so she could complain._

"_Why are we watching this again?" Aiden asks with a raised brow._

"_Cause it's quality television that's why." Madison replies, not looking away from the television._

"_Right." Aiden shakes his head._

_I smile as my friends continue to make snarky comments to and about each other for the rest of the day until it was time for them to leave that night._

–

"Ash, mom says dinner's ready." Ty tells me, poking his head in my room. I sit up on the bed and look at the clock on the night stand. I must have fallen asleep, it's after eight now.

"Okay." I smile at my little brother. "Tell mom I'll be down in a minute."

"Kay." He smiles and takes off. I sigh as I get up from the bed and make my way into the bathroom to shower. I take a quick shower, knowing I didn't have much time.

"I'll be back in a while." I say to my family as they sit around the dinner table, waiting for me I presume since no one is eating yet.

"But dinner honey." My mom motions to all the food on the table, all of my favorites no less.

"I'm not really hungry." I shake my head. "I ate on the plane. I'll be back in a couple of hours." I can tell my family is disappointed but there's something I need to do.

"Okay sweetheart, well I'll keep a plate warm for you in case you change your mind."

"Okay." I nod as I grab my keys and head out the door.

–

As I sit in my car, I know I only have about a half hour before they lock up... I didn't think this would be so hard. I've been here before, but not since...

I take a deep breath as I force myself to open the door and get out of the car. As I make my way to my destination I can already feel the tears building. I stop, contemplating turning around.

No.

I have to do this.

I need to do this.

I force myself to keep walking. To go where my heart is telling me to go. Where it needs to me to go. When I get there, I drop to the ground, the tears falling freely now. It's been almost four years, you'd think things would be easier by now.

Not better, I don't expect them to be better... just... easier. A little less painful. But no, I hurt just as much as I did four years ago.

I lean against the tombstone as I try to calm myself.

"Fuck!" I exclaim, slamming my fist into the tombstone I'm leaning against.

"Um, excuse me..." A voice startles me. I fall back, leaning against a tombstone. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..." She trails off, biting her lip. "Here." She hands me a pack of tissues. I wipe my face with my shirt. "Or that works." She smiles a little. I don't say anything. She looks at the tombstone I'm leaning on before looking back at me. I stare at her as she sits down across from me. "I used to come here every day when my brother first died four years ago, thinking it'd make it easier, like if I came to see him every day it'd be like he wasn't gone at all. But I was fooling myself." She stops and shakes her head. "It didn't make it easier at all. If anything it only reminded me of all the things I missed about him. His laugh, his smile, his inability to spell even the simplest of words correctly." She smiles at the memory. I push myself off the tombstone as she continues to talk. "It never really gets easier if I'm being honest, but I know I'll see him again one day so it makes it just a little bit less painful."

"I'm sorry about your brother." I tell her as I wipe the stray tears.

"And I'm sorry about..."

"My best friends." I fill in the blanks for her.

"Friends?" She questions, looking back at the tombstone with Aiden's name on it.

I nod. "Aiden and Madison." I point to the tombstone right next to his. Her face contorts like she's searching for the right thing to say but can't find it.

"Well you'll see them both again one day." She finally settles on and smiles a little.

I have to admit, I'd never thought about it this way and to do so did make me feel just a tiny bit better. I take another look at their tombstones before getting up from the ground and helping the blonde to her feet.

"I'm Spencer." She holds out a hand for me to shake.

"I'm Ashley." I tell her as I shake her hand.

"Nice to meet you Ashley." She smiles as we turn and head towards the gate.

"You too Spencer." I return the smile.

"So, I guess I'll see you around then." She says taking her keys out of her pocket. "Unless you want to give me your number." She adds after a moment and my eyes go wide. "I mean...no..." She shakes her head. "Not like that, I was just saying you know in case you needed a shoulder to cry on or someone to talk to cause I don't make it a habit of going to graveyards and picking up girls. Not that you're into girls or anything I'm just saying that I have a really nice shoulder and oh my God I'm shutting up now." She shakes her head as she rolls her eyes at her rambling. I actually found it quite adorable. "God that was awful, almost as bad as the pick-up line 'come here often?'" She continues to shake her head. "I'm gonna just go." She thumbs towards her car. "It was really nice meeting you Ashley."

"Here, let me have this." I tell her, taking her phone from her hands and programming my number in it. "Call me when you've calmed down." I smile. "Nice meeting you too, Spencer." I tell her before getting in my car and driving away.

–

"Ashley." I hear my mother call to me when I enter the house. I place my keys in the bowl by the door before heading into the kitchen. My mom is sitting at the table, probably waiting up for me.

"Hey mom." I say as I sit down at the table with her.

"I'm trying to understand everything you're going through, I'm trying sweetie. I know the past few years have been hard and you're dealing the best way you know how, but you gotta let someone else in. And that someone doesn't have to be me, or even your father, just someone... okay?"

"Okay mom." I nod. I know she's only being a mother. These past few years have probably been as hard on her as they've been on me, especially since it's been a little over two years since I've even been home. "I promise I'll talk to someone."

"Last time you said that, you went and talked to a recruiter to join the army Ashley." She raises a brow at me. I can't help but chuckle at her.

"I promise it won't be anyone like that. Kay?"

"Okay." She nods as she stands from her chair. "Goodnight Ashley." She kisses me on the forehead before making her way upstairs. My phone buzzes in my pocket and I don't have to look at it to know who it is. I take it out and read the text from an unknown number.

_'It's Spencer, you know from the cemetery, we just met an hour or so ago. You put your number in my phone.'_ I smile and shake my head at the blonde. She's even flustered over the phone. Like I met another person at the cemetery this late at night. _'Anyways, I don't know what you're doing tomorrow or if you even want to hang with me but my friends and I are having a little beach party at The Row and then a bonfire at night. Um... you're more than welcome to come. Just you know, let me know if you want to. K well goodnight.'_

I smile as I write my reply. _'Yeah, that sounds cool. I'll be there. Goodnight Spencer.'_

_'Great!' _I get back less than ten seconds later._ 'I mean, that's cool.' _I get less than a second after that. I chuckle again, stuffing my phone back into my pocket.

I head up the stairs, stopping in Ty's room to kiss him goodnight. I really did miss him. I shut his door behind me and head into my room. Flopping down on the bed, I stare up at the ceiling until I drift off to sleep.


	2. Bon Fire

Thanks for those of you who informed me of the chapter mishap. It's fixed now. Hope you enjoy. Special thanks to duralast406 for the PM.

* * *

Bon Fire

"_The party of the century, hardly." Madison scoffs as we walk into Jackson's house. "There's only like a hundred people here."_

_"Only?" I turn to my best friend with a raised brow._

_"Yeah." She shrugs as we make our way further into the house."_

_"To constitute as a good party there has to be a least three hundred people." Aiden rolls his eyes. "Madison's rule."_

_"You know you look extra gay when you do that right?" Madison asks our friend with a serious look on her face._

_"No." Aiden lips twitches. He hates when Madison says that._

_"Whatever you say." Madison shrugs, brushing past Aiden, disappearing into the crowd._

_"Why does she always do that?" Aiden thumbs in the direction Madison just disappeared._

_"I wish you two would just get together already." I roll my eyes, following Madison's actions._

_"Seriously!" I hear Aiden yell to my back."_

* * *

"Mom I'm headed over to The Row, I think I'm gonna stop by Mr. and Mrs. Dennison's first though." I yell into the kitchen from the foyer, grabbing my jacket from the rack.

"I was just cooking lunch, Ashley." My mom says, emerging from the kitchen. "It's your favorite." She adds for good measure.

"Chicken and Rice?" I question.

"Yes, unless you have a new favorite. Was there something else you wanted me to cook because I can whip something up it's really not a-"

"Mom." I cut her off, placing a hand on her shoulder.

"It's still my favorite mom, trust me. Can you save me a plate? I just made plans with a friend. I don't really wanna be late."

"A friend?"

"Yes mom, her name's Spencer." I answer with a playful eye roll. "I am capable of making friends mom."

"I know honey I wasn't..." She pauses shaking her head. Oh no, I made her feel bad I didn't mean to.

"I was just jo-"

"Have fun baby." She leans forward, kissing me on the cheek. I'll have you a plate in the microwave."

"Mom I-"

"I know." She nods and gives me a small smile. Nice going Ashley! I mentally berate myself for being such an idiot. My mom is only trying to help and I know the subject of my friends isn't something she really likes to joke around with. The thing is... I haven't really talked to anyone or gone anywhere in four years. After the accident I got my GED, joined the army and haven't really looked back. I feel bad that the only time I came home to visit in the past four years was two years ago when my dad was in the hospital for a work related injury. The army has given me tons of leave I just never take it. I didn't see the point. And if it was mandatory to take it, I would just go somewhere like Alaska or something. Anywhere but here.

Being here hurts too much.

Reminds me of what's missing.

"I love you mom." I tell her as she turns to walk back into the kitchen.

She stops, turning to face me with a smile smile replies, "I know darling, I love you too." She gives me another quick kiss on the cheek before scurrying off into the kitchen. I sigh, turning to grab my keys off the table. I hate how stupid I can be sometimes.

I can count on one hand the amount of times I've seen the Dennison's since the accident. I wouldn't know what to say. I lived and their son didn't. It isn't far. Aiden was a far better person than me. If anyone deserved to live it was him and Madison. Neither of them deserved this.

I've been sitting in my car for over an hour now, I don't think I have the guts to go in, to confront them. The last time I saw them was at the funeral and even then I had nothing to say. What can I say? 'I'm sorry that I'm still here when your son is dead' 'I'm sorry for your loss' No words will bring him back and nothing can ease the pain of losing a child, I know this. I close my eyes tightly, trying to push everything from my mind. Trying to gather up the courage to do what I know needs to be done. To tell them how heroic their son was in the last moments of his life. I need to...

But I can't.

I sigh as I turn the key in the ignition to start the car. I take one more glance at the Dennison home as I pull away. In the upstairs window I swear I see a silhouette looking out the window of Aiden's room. I drop my head against my seat.

'I'm sorry Aiden.' I whisper as I drive down the street.

"You made it." Spencer smiles as she approaches me on the beach. I'm not too sure if I'm up for this anymore.

"Yeah, I'm sorry I just came to tell you that I can't make it."

She arches a brow at me. "You drove all the way out here just to tell me that you couldn't come?" She questions, scrunching her brows.

I narrow my eyes, realizing how retarded that must have sounded. "Essentially." I reply.

"Okay." She nods, grabbing my hand. "Come with me." She says as she pulls me further down the beach.

"Spencer where are we going?" I ask as we walk further from the group gathered on the beach. It's a little after four now so the sun is starting to set. I forgot how beautiful the beach could be at night. It's been forever since I've been here. Since I've been anywhere really.

"It's just a little further down." Is all she says as she continues to pull me even further from the group.

"You're not trying to take me to a secluded area to kill me are you?" I question, half serious. I mean I did only meet this girl yesterday. I don't know anything about her.

She stops walking, turning to face me. "Yeah." She smiles and turns around, pulling me again.

What!

"What?"

"We're here." She drops my hand. I turn, taking in my surroundings.

"Where is here exactly?" I question, arching my brow.

A small smile plays at her lips as she sits down on a rock. "My brother used to bring me here everyday when I was a kid. We'd play in that cave." She points behind me. "He'd try to teach me to surf and when I kept failing over and over he'd show me how it's done. Mostly just trying to impress the girls that were watching though. And at the end of every night we would watch the sunset together. We did basically the same thing every summer for almost six years and yet everyday was still a brand new adventure." I study her face as she talks about her brother, they were obviously really close.

"Spencer I'm not sure what-"

"This is our place, his and mine." She turns to me and says. "And no one can change that. This is where I come when I'm having my worst days. I see him here. I can feel him here. When I sit on this rock, look out into this part of the ocean I know he's here with me, out there surfing the waves or sitting right here next to me watching the sunset." She averts her gaze back to the ocean. "Here I don't feel so...empty." She finishes and I get what she's doing, what she's saying."You just have to find your place and maybe it'll hurt just a little less." She turns back to me, smiling. "I promise it does get easier."

"Thank you." I reply sincerely.

"No problem." She shrugs, standing up from the rock. "We should head back." She tosses her head in the direction of the party.

"I think we should stay a few more minutes." I point towards the sky. The sun is setting and it really is beautiful. "It's beautiful." I take a couple steps forward to stand next to her.

She smiles, letting a short breathy chuckle, "Isn't it?" A sigh escapes her, I turn to face her as she closes her eyes; taking in the moment.

"Not if I see you first." I hear her whisper. I step back, knowing she's having a moment with her brother right now. "I love you, Glen." She whispers a little louder than before.

"There you are Spencer!" A brown skinned girl appears from out of no where. Seriously, where did she even just come from? I was looking in the direction of the party and I did not see her walking towards us.

"I was just talking to Glen." Spencer replies nonchalantly. I guess she does this often cause her friend didn't press on after that.

"You're missing the party, you know. I think John and Kay are gonna perform in a bit. Who's this?" The girl turns and looks at me. "Oh and Carmen's looking for you." She turns back to Spencer and says before Spencer can get a single word in.

"Ugh!" Spencer throws her hands up, groaning. "Next time lead with Carmen, k Chels." Spencer says to her friend as they start walking back towards the party. "You coming?" Spencer stops, turning back to me. I nod and jog a little to catch up with them. "Ashley this is my best friend Chelsea, Chelsea this is Ashley, my..." She trails off, looking back to me for an answer.

Hell I don't know either.

"Friend..." I offer with a shrug.

"My friend Ashley." Spencer turns back to her friend and says.

"Cute friend." Chelsea leans back to look around Spencer at me. "Very nice, Spence."

What?

"Chels!" Spencer slaps her friend on the arm.

"So you really are..." I trail off.

"Gay?" Spencer pops a brow. I swallow the lemon in my throat and nod. Spencer shrugs and smiles, glancing over at Chelsea then back to me. "I guess you can say that." They both chuckle. I guess I'm missing the joke.

"Carmen's her stalker ex." Chelsea says.

"Yeah, we broke up months ago and for some reason I can't shake her now." Spencer pops her shoulders up once, turning to me. "You good?"

"Mhm." I nod as we reach the party.

"Cool." She smiles. " I should probably make my rounds. I mean this is kinda my party."

"Your party?" I ask confusion in my voice.

"It's my birthday."

"You should have told me I would've have-"

"What?" She cuts me off, "Gotten me a present. It's not necessary." She waves me off. "I got enough things. Plus I didn't want you to feel pressured to get me anything." She shrugs, shaking her head.

"You're different." I quirk a brow. She's not the same shy, stuttering girl from yesterday.

"For some reason you make me nervous.." Her eyes go wide a little like she's said too much. I can't help but smile. "I mean... I was just a bit caught off guard. That's all. I'm gonna..." She trails off, thumbing behind her. "Will you be okay for a bit?"

"Yeah." I nod. I think I might just be alright.

"Well who might you be?" A tan brunette slides up next to me.

"Ashley." I take a sip of my drink, glancing from the girl to the cup.

A smirk appears at her lips. "I'm intrigued." She holds out her hand for me to shake. I pop a brow, glancing down at her hand. Really?

"Well intrigued..." I start, putting my free hand into my pocket to let her know I wouldn't be shaking hers. "I'm actually just waiting for someone so I'm not-"

"Fucking seriously, Carmen!" I hear a familiar voice shout. I look up and see Spencer headed towards me and the brunette.

"Uh oh." The brunette next to me says, moving away from me.

"I was just talking to this nice girl baby, I wasn't-"

"First of all..." Spencer starts, hitting the girl on the shoulder. "I'm not your baby anymore." She adds matter of factly. "And secondly, I could have sworn I uninvited you to this party months ago." She finishes with a hand on her hip.

"This is a public beach, Spencer. You can't keep me from coming here." Carmen shrugs, taking a big gulp of her drink. "Plus, you know you want me here. I don't know why you're even joking."

"No one wants you here, Carmen!" Chelsea comes up from behind Spencer. I have to stifle a laugh.

"Well no one asked you, did they Chels." Carmen rolls her eyes at the girl before turning back to Spencer. "I really need to talk to you Spence, I think us breaking up was a mistake. I don't think you meant all those things you said. Maybe if we could just-"

"I'm done talking to you Carmen. You're manipulative, sneaky, and frankly a little bit of a slut. I'm done with you!" Spencer yells causing the whole beach to turn and watch the scene unfold.

"You don't mean-"

"The thing is," Spencer moves closer to the girl. "I do. I really fucking do."

"You forgot an adjective Spence."

"Which?" Spencer turns to her friend and ask.

"Bitch." Chelsea says coldly, her eyes now on the brunette.

"You're so right, Chels. How could I forget the most important one. Carmen you're a bitch and honestly I want you to just leave me the hell alone. Life's way too short to have people like you taking up precious time." Spencer finishes. The brunette looks around at the crowd of people staring at her before dropping her drink and storming off towards the parking lot.

"Woo hoo, Spence!" A tall blond boy yells, holding up his cup.

"Good riddance Carmen Sanchez!" Spencer joins in, holding up her glass. Followed by Chelsea and the rest of the crowd. All chanting Spencer's words."Enough, now let's get back to this party!" Spencer yells to her guest. Everyone shouts a 'yeah' and does. "Sorry about that." Spencer shakes her head as she moves towards me.

"It's fine." I shrug and wave her off. "It happens to the best of us." I add. She smiles, glancing down at my cup.

"You're almost empty, want some more?"

"Sure." I nod.

"Be right back." She tells me, taking my cup from hand. I watch as she heads over to drink table.

"You like her, don't you?" Chelsea appears next to me.

"You've got to stop doing that!" I tell her grabbing my chest. Really, I don't know where she appears from.

"Don't change the subject." She narrows her eyes at me. "Do you?"

"I barely know her. I only met her yesterday." I answer honestly.

"Love knows no time."

"What?" I turn to her, confusion written all over my face. How did we go from like to love?

"I'm just saying... if you like her you should go for it. Life is short. God knows Spencer has been through more than most people go through in two lifetimes, in her twenty years. I'm just telling you that if you like her, you shouldn't wait, you should just go for it." She places a hand on my shoulder. "But just know that if you hurt her—in any way—I'm gonna have to kill you." Her eyes go wide as she stares intently into mine.

"Um...okay." I nod slowly, she nods with me. I think I'm genuinely scared right now.

"Glad we cleared that up." She says suddenly, breaking our staring match. I look away surreptitiously hoping to send some sort of distress signal to anyone nearby in case this girl decides to make due on her threat early. I don't know how she could sense any sort of affection coming from me towards Spencer. For one thing I've known the girl for a total of forty minutes. For another I'm not in a position to be feeling anything for anyone. I don't even think i can, and if I could it wouldn't be right for her... or me. So no I can't like Spencer.

"Here you go." Spencer comes back, handing me my cup.

"You roofie that?" Chelsea asks Spencer just as I take a sip.

"You know it." I see Spencer's eyes over her cup as she takes a sip of her drink.

"Good stuff." Chelsea says before disappearing into the crowd again.

I look down into my cup, contemplating if she'd actually roofie my drink or not.

"She's kidding." Spencer chuckles into her cup. I take another long look at my drink, then back at her before taking another sip.

"So that's the ex huh?" I ask as Spencer and I walk towards the bon fire.

"Yeah, nothing special." She shrugs.

"Well she had to be a good person at some point to get a girl like you." I say and immediately regret it. That came out wrong. "I mean that you seem like the type of person that can judge someones character.

"Well I judged wrong with that one." We take a seat on a log, as we watch the fire dance in the light breeze.

"What happened with you two?" I turn to face her. "You know, if you don't mind me asking."

"I met Carmen my sophomore year of high school. She was so charming and amazing really, but I was with someone and she respected that. When my brother died my Senior year, the girl I was with at the time couldn't really handle me so we broke up and Carmen was there for me—in every way you could possibly imagine, she became the one person in my life that I could count on. As the years passed and I started to pull myself back together again, Carmen started to change. She became this person I couldn't even recognize. It's like the better I got, the more shit she did to try and sink me again. I don't need someone like that in my life, so I broke up with her." Spencer finishes with a shrug, turning more towards me. "What about you? Got any juicy love stories?"

"Not really no." I shake my head. "I don't get out much."

"You're kidding right?" She quirks a brow.

"No." I purse my lips, shaking my head.

"But you're so..." She trails off. I stare at her, waiting for her to finish.

"I'm so...?" I question.

"You know," She shrugs. "...you." She finishes and I chuckle.

"Thanks I guess."

"You're welcome." She says awkwardly taking another sip of her drink.

"For what it's worth," I start, turning to face her. "...Carmen's an idiot."

"For what?" She looks at me.

"Disappointing a girl like you." She gives me a look before turning back to the fire, putting her cup up to her lips to try and hide her smile. But the light of the fire dancing off her cheeks give away the redness of her cheeks.


	3. Playing Pretend

I'm really excited for where this story is going and is going to go in the future, I hope you all are too. I appreciate every single review, favorite and follow I've been getting. :) Hope you enjoy. Let me know your thoughts.

* * *

"Ashley, Ashley dear." I listen to my mom call to me from the door. I keep my eyes closed, hoping she'll just go away. "Ashley..." She waits to see if I'll awake and answer. When I don't she closes the door behind her. I sigh as I turn over, putting my back to the door. As least this way I don't have to close my eyes when she comes in again. That was the fourth time since this morning that she's come in. The subtle creaking of the door lets me know that she's back yet again. I'm not even sure why I'm pretending to be asleep really. Especially since I haven't slept well for the past four years; whether it be nightmares, late night drills or middle of the night raids, there was always something pulling me from my sleep.

I listen as she stands in the doorway; watching me, before she moves closer. She hovers for a minute, breathing deeply, then disappears back into the hallway she just came from. I know she just wants to find out about my late night last night. The last time I was out that late she got a phone call. A call no parent wants to get. So I know that she's just worried about me. I get it, honestly I do. But I can't be here and pretend to be normal if she continues to hover like she does.

I grab my phone to check the time completely dismissing the clock that's on my nightstand. I don't know why, but I check to see if have any new messages. I'm not expecting any and I don't have any real reason to receive any but I do. Before I can feel any kind of way about my lack of a social life my door creaks again.

I sigh. "Mom it hasn't even been five minutes since you last came in."

"It's me Ash."

I drop my head to the side to see my little brother peaking his head in. My brows furrow in confusion as he sneaks a look behind him. He quickly faces me again and slides his tiny body through the small space he made in the door way. He shuts it quietly and I can't help the small laugh that escapes me.

"Buddy what are you doing?" I sit up leaning on my elbows and watch as Tyler presses an ear against my door. He waves a hand a shushes me.

"Mom told me you were sleeping and not to bother you, so I had to sneak and she's right down the hall." He explains this to me never taking his ear away from the door. He nods once sure that the coast is clear and steps further into my room. He sweeps his brown hair away from his eyes and clasps his little fingers together.

"Hey Ash."

"Hey Ty."

"So I have a proposition for you."

Did he just say proposition?

"Why do you know words like proposition, you're seven."

"I read." He shrugs and tells me simply like its the most obvious answer in the world. I'm going to have to take a look at these books he's reading. "As I was saying. I have a proposition for you." He climbs onto my bed and looks me straight in the eyes. I'm a little scared honestly. "So I have some birthday money and I'd like to go the mall and buy some stuff. If you take me, I'll buy you lunch." He smiles widely and I laugh at how adorable my little brother is. I sit up and pull my knees close to my chest. Just out of curiosity I ask. "How much birthday money you got bud?"

"$75" He tells me proudly, pretty impressed with himself, I push my lips out and nod in amazement. I take him up on his proposition simply because its evil to tell this little boy no. I offer to pay for lunch though. It's probably best that I leave my room before my mom checks for a pulse.

I send Ty off to get ready and I close the door behind and I hear my mom whine that she told him not to disturb me. He whines back that he didn't and I smile at the simplicity of my family. Simple is all I can handle right now. Even that I'm not entirely sure I can manage.

I emerge from my room in a loose t-shirt and a pair of skinny jeans. I bounce down the stairs and pop into the kitchen. I kiss my mom on the cheek as I see her baking my favorite dessert. She's honestly the greatest mom anyone could have. I dip my finger in the chocolate batter and lick off my finger. She swats me away and giggles.

"I didn't hear you come in last night."

I laugh lightly at my mother's start of a conversation. There was no decent segway with that comment.

"Well mom being in the army for four years they really prefer our 'sneaks ins' to be stealthy opposed to boisterous." She laughs softly and shakes her head at my lack of an answer. I honestly don't know what to tell her though. I went to a birthday party of a girl I met at the cemetery, got hit on by her ex girlfriend, met a ton of people I don't care to meet again, only to sneak off when she momentarily left me to mingle with her guests. Yeah, no thanks. So I settle for the next best thing. "I was just around, getting used to being home I guess."

She smiles softly seeming satisfied with the answer and I'm relieved because I had nothing else other than that.

"Ready Ash!" Tyler announces as he bursts into the kitchen and grabs my hand pulling me towards the front door.

"Taking Ty to the mall." I explain to mother. She waves us off as he pulls me out of the room. I laugh as I hear her playfully shout, 'better you than me'. We hop into the car and head out, myself attempting to obtain some form of normalcy. If not for myself at least for my family. They deserve that much.

Two hours in and the statement my mom made before we left makes complete sense now.

"Ty buddy I'm begging you make a decision."

We're in the third video game store for the second time and if I hear one more gamer try to pick me up with the line that I bear a slight resemblance to the most recent Laura Croft from tomb raider I'm gonna break someone's something.

"I'm sorry Ash. Its hard." He tells me then pouts and I crumble. Little bugger knows he has me wrapped around his finger. I just shake my head and wave him off. He goes to stare at his choices again. I stand by the entrance hoping that seeing me there will coax him to choose a little faster in fear that I'd leave him. I'm desperate here. I people watch and observe the behaviors of the mall goers. Maybe develop some of their emotional reflexes in case I need references on what normal is. As my eyes scan the crowd my heart stops for a second. For a second I feel like I've seen an older version of Madison. I did. Her mother strolls around the corner and we catch each others eyes. Mine widen in horror and she stares at me momentarily perhaps making sure it's me. A crowd of teenagers cut our stare off short. I take this time to find a place to hide. I look around the video game store and jump behind the life size cardboard of Laura Croft and snort at the irony.

I crouch down making sure that I still have an eye on my little brother. He's still staring the wall of games and this time I'm begging he is still uncertain on his decision. I peek around the cut out and see if Madison's mom is around. I catch a glimpse of her through the front as she heads towards the store. I look back at Tyler and he's diligently weighing his decisions, my heart is racing as I stare out the window. She's getting closer but I lose her when a pair of legs block my view of her. I groan in frustration and before I can telepathically threaten them to move they step out of my line of sight. I sneak a peak between the hole in Laura's legs and notice a new customer enter the store, but I'm too busy trying to make sure Mrs. Duarte doesn't see me to catch a glimpse of who it is. Mrs. Duarte takes a step into the store and my heart stops as she continues to search for me.

"Who we hiding from?" A soft whisper breaks my concentration. I yelp and fall into Laura making her move forward. I groan as I sit up to look at the culprit of my near heart attack and see Spencer trying not to laugh.

I take a quick peak around Laura and realize that Madison's mom has gone. She must have given up. I slowly stand up and watch as she retreats down the hall.

"You almost gave me a heart attack." I turn back to Spencer and say.

"Are you avoiding my question?" She pops a brow up, I scoff and step around her.

"No one you would know." I say as I walk towards my indecisive little brother.

"Okay don't tell me then." She jogs a few steps to catch up with me. "I'll just have to guess. So..." She pauses, tapping her chin. "Was she an old teacher?" She asks then turns to gauge my reaction. I keep my face as straight as possible, not giving her anything. "Okay... Was she an ex's mother?" She turns to look at me again and this time I cant keep my face straight. My eyes close as I remember something I told myself to forget. "Ashley." She calls to me. I stop walking, keeping my eyes closed. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to-"

"Was there something you wanted?" I snap, immediately regretting my tone. I take a deep breath and sigh it out. "Sorry." I say, shaking my head. "Ty you almost ready buddy?" I call over to my brother who is now on the other side of the store looking at the PS4 games.

"Yeah, I think I want this one." He says, holding up a game that I don't know. I don't know much about anything these days actually."

"Okay, do you want me to-"

"I got it!" He shouts, digging into his pocket for his money before taking the game and his cash up to the counter to pay.

"Is that your little brother?" Spencer asks when i turn back to look at her.

"Yeah." I nod, smiling. Ty is really the one thing that's been keeping me going all these years. My mom was told she couldn't have anymore children after me and when Ty came into the picture I just... I don't know. I instantly loved him. He's the most awesome little brother anyone could ask for and I feel bad that I've only seen him once in the past four years. I mean we talk on the phone or skype at least twice a week but I haven't seen him in forever and I feel bad.

"He's really adorable." She smiles and turns on her heels towards the exit. "I guess I'm gonna head out. I just saw you in here and wanted to say hey." She starts towards the exit.

"Ty and I are gonna grab some lunch from the food court, you could um... Join us if you want." She stops walking, tuning back towards me.

"Sure." She shrugs and smiles just as my little brother appears next to me.

"Got it." He says, holding up his bag with his game in it.

"What'd you get bud?" I question as we all start towards the exit.

"This really cool game called thief, it's about this guy that... Ashley..." He pauses, looking around me to Spencer.

"Mhm." I look down to him.

"There's a girl following us." He says, grabbing tightly to my leg. I cant help but chuckle.

"Ty this is Spencer, I invited her to lunch with us if that's okay with you."

"Hey." Spencer offers a hand to my brother. He glances up at me then back to Spencer.

"It's okay." I chuckle out. Seriously, how cute is my little brother?

"I'm Tyler." He smiles, releasing my leg to shake Spencer's hand.

"Nice to meet you, Tyler." Spencer returns a smile.

"Are you Ashley's gir-"

"Dont you dare finish that question bud." I bend down, pointing a playfully stern finger at him. His eyes go wide before he smiles and slaps a hand over his mouth. "Go find us a table why don't you." He nods and runs ahead of Spencer and I to grab a table. I make sure to keep my eyes on him.

"He looks just like you."

"Nah." I shake my head, turning to look at her briefly. "He's much cuter." I turn back to look at my brother and thank goodness he's more decisive about a table then he was about getting a video game. I watch as he waves us down unnecessarily.

"You disappeared last night." Spencer says softly as we make our way to the table. I sneak a peek at her, she staring at the floor.

"You were off doing your thing, I didn't want to-"

"I'm sorry I invited you knowing that I would have to leave you to go and mingle." She cuts me off. I steal another glance and this time she's looking right at me.

"It's okay, I understand. I was just..." I got nothing right now. I'm trying not to look her in the eyes.

"Did you not really want to be there? You didn't come just because I invited you and you didn't want to be rude, did you?"

"No I wanted to come I just, I haven't really been-"

"It's fine, I get it." Get what? I don't even get what I'm getting at! I'd really like her to explain it me. She shrugs and shakes her head. We've reached the table but neither of us are moving to sit down.

"This is a good table huh Ash?" My little brother says, oblivious to what's taking place right now. Hell I don't even fully know.

"I wanted to come to your party Spencer I just-"

"I guess I just thought we were... That this was... I guess I thought wrong." She shakes her head. "I forgot I'm meeting someone later so I probably should get going." She thumbs towards the escalators.

"Spencer you don't have to-"

"It was nice meeting you Tyler, maybe we can hang out again some time." She turns to my brother completely ignoring me.

"Aren't you hungry?"

"I gotta get going, maybe next time."

"Okay." Ty nods and smiles, hoping out of his chair, walking around the table to hug Spencer's leg. She gasps before bending over to hug him back. "Bye Spencer."

"Bye Tyler."

"Please, just call me Ty." He waves her off, I give him a look. Who is this little boy right now? Spencer and I both cant help but smile at his cuteness.

"Okay then, Ty." She gives him once last smile and wave before turning to leave.

"Spencer..." That's all I manage out. I really don't mind her being here but I'm not entirely sure how to say it.

"I'll see you around Ashley." She offers weakly as if she's unsure of the validity of her own statement. I open my mouth to say something but she starts walking away. I really have no idea what just happened. One second we were fine and the next...

I shake my head as i sit down next to my brother. "Did you and Spencer have a fight?"

"No buddy we're fine, she just had to leave."

"Oh, okay."

"Ty, why'd you hug her?"

"Mom told me to." He shrugs.

"What do you mean that mom told you to?"

"She said to hug people as much as I can because we never know if we'll ever get to do it again." I stare at my brother for a moment, taking in his innocence. I miss the times when everything was simple, when laughter and joy filled my heart. When spending an afternoon at the mall with people I cared about was something I looked forward to every weekend. "You okay Ashley?" My little brother ask, pulling me from my thoughts.

I breathe out a laugh. I don't really know what I am, but that's no reason to rain on my little brothers fun parade. So I grin and bear it like I've learned to do over the years. "I'm just fine, bud. Just fine." He smiles up at me before we head off to get lunch.


	4. Novacane

Sorry this chapter took so long to get out, been a bit busy. Anyways, hope you all enjoy. :)

_L2GQ: She definitely does. Lol he's actually seven not four though haha. that would be an extremely smart four year old for sure like creepy scary yeah?_

_Guest: I'm glad you like it._

_googoo4u: Aw thanks. I'm glad that I haven't disappointed you yet. Ashley definitely needs to get herself together but she probably should move a little faster haha._

_ItsMeCharlee: Lol no no no Ty is all mine. He is the most adorable little boy ever right? I have five nieces and nephews and I most of the time base my kid characters off of their personalities. I'm happy you like that I'm taking it slow. I think it's necessary for this story._

_Annais81: I'm so sorry you were confused. What had you confused? Spencer's babbling? No you're not weird btw lol._

* * *

I exhale every time my left foot hits the ground. I'm on my sixth mile and I can go for another six. These morning runs have been a godsend. It's "normal," I see other people in the park doing it. My mother doesn't hyperventilate when I yell that I'm going for one as I make my way out the door. Most of all it helps clear my head.

The agonizing guilt that keeps me awake keeps me running and the longer I run, the better I feel. I don't know if attempting to live life normally will make me feel better. People were always saying that moving on, living life is what Aiden and Madison would want. I hated when I was told that. How would anyone know what they would want if they were no longer here to tell them? All I want is to see my friends and when I run I do. I see Aiden laughing, Madison smiling with every step that hits the ground. The images of them flash through my mind and I can feel myself smile with every breath I release.

Left foot, Aiden, right foot Madison and it goes on like this repeatedly. I see a flash of Spencer in my mind and stumble a bit. I catch myself and keep the momentum going. I shake my head as I try to figure out where the thought of Spencer came from. Its true I haven't heard from her for a few days. I don't know if I miss her per say, how do you miss an acquaintance? I don't like how things were left the other day at the mall. I'm used to direct orders, what's said is meant and what's meant is said. This silent emotional conversation thing is a skill I lost after leaving high school. I didn't want to have any form of emotional conversation silent or not and that's why I left. People kept asking me how I felt, if I was doing better and I never had an answer because I felt nothing. All I felt was numb and once that subsided all I felt was guilt, regret, and anger towards myself. So in order to get other people to stop worrying about me, to see something in me other than death I ran.

I go around the bend and another flash of Spencer crosses in front of my eyes. I stumble again this time losing balance. I throw my hands out to steady myself from falling completely. As I push myself up I'm met with a wet nose sniffing me excitedly. I giggle and push the furry face away from mine.

"Doc!"

The familiar voice makes me smile and I'm surprised at the gesture. This so called Doc goes around my legs and gets acquainted with me.

"Hey now..." I shriek in surprise as I move away from Spencer's dog. She jogs towards us and grabs his collar.

"Doc no." She corrects him and he drops his jaw letting his tongue hang out. I just laugh as he dismisses Spencer's rebuke. "Sorry about that, he usually doesn't run off like that."

Doc sits obediently next to his master and looks up at me. She pats him on his neck and ruffles his fur.

"I guess you both like sneaking up on people." I offer with a weak laugh, not really sure as to where to take this conversation.

She breathes out a single laugh and rubs the back of her neck nervously. She mumbles out something that sounds like a 'yeah well'. We stand there momentarily looking everywhere but each other. At least I thought she wasn't looking at me until I hear her say, "Nice tats"

I look down at my torso and see the work I had done while I was away. My dog tags and its chains that go up my ribcage. I see Spencer's eyes dance over my body and I blush a bit.

"So you're in the..." She leaves the question open waiting for me to fill in the answer. When I say army her eyebrows pop up once and she nods impressed.

She touches my shoulder softly and I'm a bit embarrassed because of how sweaty I am. She's examining my tattoo that I got right after Tyler was born. I was underage at the time but my mom and dad both agreed to let me get it. It's his baby footprints with his name under it in cursive. She smiles softly. I just lick my lips and look down at the ground. I notice my laces are untied and that explains my stumble that got Doc's attention in the first place. I bend down to tie them and I hear Spencer breathe out a "wow". I forget about that one sometimes.

My top is only my sports bra so of course she'd see it. A pair of angel wings that rests high on my back. The center of the wings is in the shape of a heart with Madison and Aiden's name, and the dates that I met them both. I'm still on the ground as she takes in the artwork and I feel awkward not knowing when it's a good time to stand up. I'm staring Doc in the face and his breath is getting to me. He's a sweet Lab but his breath isn't so I groan as push myself and Spencer steps back.

"When'd you join?" She asks as I stand.

"2009." I reply as I start to jog in place again. I can feel my body starting to cool down and I still want to run a couple more miles.

"Wow that's like right out of... Oh my god you're bleeding!" I glance down at my hand to see that I am in fact bleeding. It's just a scrape though, no big deal.

"Oh my God, do you need like a band-aid or some gauze or a towel to-"

"No." I chuckle at her. "It's just a scratch its okay." I shrug it off but I know that Spencer's not going to let this go so easily.

"No, I have a first aid kit in my car, I could patch that right up."

I glance down at the small scrape on the palm of my hand. "Spencer it's really not a-"

"Come on Ashley!" I look up from my hand to see Spencer already half way to the parking lot. When did she even start walking away? Doc barks, almost as if he's telling me to come too. How can I say no to that? When I reach Spencer's car she's already waiting for me with her first aid kit. "Sit." She instructs pointing to her back seat. Doc and I look at each other and I clear my throat to grab Spencer's attention. She's preoccupied with finding the right sized band aid. She looks up for a second.

"Me or the dog?" She tuts, says it again and Doc and I both listen. "Spencer this really isn't necessary." I shake my head at how ridiculous she's acting over a cut.

"Shhh." She tells me as she pulls out some rubbing alcohol wipes. "This may burn a bit." I doubt it. I haven't felt a single thing in four years, I'm sure a little...

"Ow." I look down at my hand, examining it.

Pain...

"I'm sorry." Spencer says, blowing on my hand. The cool air feels good against the burning alcohol. I notice her eyes slowly making their way up to mine. When we lock eyes I immediately feel guilty. I don't know where it comes from or why exactly I'm feeling it, but I do.

"I should go." I stand up from the seat.

"Oh okay." She turns to grab a bandage for the kit. "Just let me..." She trails off, placing the bandage over my scrape. "All done."

"Thanks." I give her a weak smile, side stepping past her and Doc. "I guess I'll see you around then."

"Or I could just call you later." She suggest with a shrug.

"Sure." I nod. She gives me a small smile as Doc closes the gap between us, standing on his back legs, waiting for a proper goodbye I suppose.

"Bye Doc, I'll see you soon." I tell him, rubbing his fur; making sure to get behind his ears.

"Wow, he really likes you." Spencer chuckles at her dog before chiding him for jumping on me.

"So later then?..."

"Yeah." She gives me another smile and a small wave. I return the smile before turning and running back into the park.

"Hey mom." I greet my mother as I enter the kitchen to grab a bottle of water from the fridge.

"Hey honey. How was your run?" She asks as she unpacks some groceries.

"Good." I step around her, reaching into the fridge to grab my water. "Where's dad?" I contort my head to look around the wall into the living room. Its Sunday, normally he'd be watching whatever game is on the television. At least that's how he used to be, I'm not so sure anymore.

"He was called into work, he'll be home in a bit. Maybe the two of you could catch a game on the TV." My mom throws out. I smile and nod. Sounds good. I miss the one on one time my dad and I used to have every week. Watching a game or throwing a ball around. Speaking of that...

"Is Ty still asleep?" I ask, twisting the cap back onto my bottle.

"He's out back I think. He told me about the mall the other day and your friend...Spencer, I believe he said. Was there something that you wanted to-"

"She's just a friend mom, I promise." I reply quickly, not wanting to really discuss this anymore. I know what my mothers getting at. "I'm gonna go say hey to

Ty." I say as I'm already leaving the kitchen. I walk out into backyard to see Ty playing on his swing set. "Hey bud, what you doing?"

"Just hanging around." He answers as I take a seat on the swing next to him.

"Sounds fun." I push back, lifting my feet up from the ground to swing with him. "You wanna go to the movies with me in a bit? Cloudy with a chance of-"

"Yeah!" He shouts before I can even finish my sentence. "I'll go get dressed now." He hops off the swing and runs into the house. I chuckle at the cuteness that is my little brother.

"You should tell him you know." My mom says, peeking her head out of the kitchen window. "He's only going to be more hurt the longer you wait." "I will." I nod, getting up from the swing.

"I promised that I'd allow you to tell him, but Ashley it's not fair to him for you to-"

"I know mom." I cut her off. "I'm gonna tell him, I promise." I say firmly, hoping she'll just drop it.

"Okay." She says and pulls herself back inside the window. I sigh relief before heading upstairs to shower and get dressed.

"Fancy seeing you here." A familiar voice says from behind me.

I turn to see none other than Spencer.

"Twice in one day, I'm starting to think you're stalking me." I smile at the blonde.

"Santa Barbara is not really the biggest place on earth." She counters.

"You realize that you didn't deny it right?" I rebuttal, quirking a brow.

"Hey Spencer." Tyler smiles up at her.

"Oh hey Ty, I didn't even see you down there buddy."

"I'm pretty small." He shrugs. "But dad says I'll grow strong and tall soon enough." He smiles at her then turns to me. "Can I have some popcorn Ashley?"

I smile down at him, sometimes his adorable ways are too much.

"Sure bud, here's a twenty." He grabs the twenty and jets off to the snack counter.

"How old is he?" Spencer thumbs in Ty's direction.

"Seven." I answer quickly, sporting the same amazed look as Spencer. The things that come out of that little boys' mouth sometimes.

"He's awesome." She chuckles lightly, turning back to face me.

We stare at each other briefly before I ask, "So what movie are you seeing?"

"Cloudy two." She answers. I glance over at Ty, watching as he gets popcorn, candy and an Icee. He's gonna need help carrying that.

"We are too actually."

"Oh cool." She nods. "My brother and I would come to the movies every Sunday to see a movie." She adds, dropping her head to look at her feet like they're the most interesting things on earth right now.

"Did you wanna sit with us or..." I trail off, I'm not sure what's happening. I feel some sort of something when it comes to this near stranger, something I cant explain. Something that draws me towards her, makes me want to say things that if it were anyone else I wouldn't say them.

"Yeah." Her head pops up. "If you wanted me to I wouldn't want to impose or anything on you and Ty's time.

"It's okay. I don't think he'll mind." I turn to look at him just as he's running towards me; empty handed.

"Can I have twenty more dollars." He asks, holding his hand out.

"Jeez bud, what'd you order?" I ask my brother as I take out my wallet.

"Two large popcorn's, some candy and three Icee's." He replies quickly, taking the money from my hand.

"Why do you need all that, Ty?"

"Not for me silly." He smiles, turning to look at Spencer. "I got Spencer some stuff too." He says then runs off.

I chuckle and shake my head at my brother. "I guess you don't really have a choice now, do you?"

"Guess not." She mimics my earlier actions, before we both head over to help Ty with the snacks.

We make our way into the theater and quickly grab seats. The previews having already started I have to squint to find a decent set of seats. Ty spots three seats together in the crowded theater and we make our way towards them. He decides to take the last of the seats and beckons Spencer to sit in the middle. I am a little taken aback by his insistence, also a little jealous but I brush it off. She looks at me as if she's asking permission to take a spot that otherwise would have been mine and I easily grant it. All three of us easily focus our attention onto the oversized screen and enjoy the flashing images in front of us.

Two and half hours later we file out of the theater with the rest of the children and parents. Tyler repeatedly reenacts a particular scene from the movie and Spencer and I laugh. Even if it had been the fourth time he's done it since we left our seats.

"Thanks for letting me sit with you guys."

"Anytime." Ty says with a shrug and smiles. I ruffle his hair, pulling him close to me. He easily falls into my embrace, glancing up at Spencer.

"What he said." I nod my head towards my little brother, then mentally berate myself. A seven year old is smoother than me.

Spencer giggles and glides her fingers through her blonde hair.

"I'll take you up on that." She tells the both of us. Her eyes lock with mine. "How about I treat you guys to lunch?"

"I've got plans but you and Ash could go."

I look down horrified at my little brother. Did he just set me up? Before I can react Spencer jumps in.

"Sounds good, I'll text you later and we can set something up?" I can only nod. "Cool, see you guys later."

We both say bye and watch Spencer leave. I nudge my brother forward. "What plans do you have brat?"

"Dylan is coming over to play games." Dylan must be one of his little friends. I just grunt standing corrected, feeling silly for assuming that a seven year old can't have plans. "Also you don't keep a girl like Spencer waiting so I figured you can take my spot for lunch."

"Oh really?" I press as Ty informs me on the art of how to treat a woman. He clearly knows better than I.

"Mhm, that's why I let her sit in the middle so she wouldn't have to choose which one of us to sit next to and make one of us feel bad." I stop dumbfounded. Is this really happening?

"So you like Spencer bud?"

He blushes, "Yeah, what's there not to like?" He pops up his shoulders once before grabbing my hand and pulling me towards the exit.


	5. Be Normal

I really enjoyed reading all the reviews for the last chapter. Thanks for taking the time to do so. Here's the next chapter, hope you enjoy it.

FufuTheFallenAngel: Lol he is adorable. My little nephew is the same way.

rosyy: Hey! Welcome to the party. I'm happy you like it so far.

Annais81: I think he can ;) I'm sorry I confused you, that wasn't my intention. Remember that you can always pm me with any questions you have. I am here to answer them. :)

L2GQ: You'll find it out really soon, no worries. :)

SoNFan: Your wish is my command.

ItsMeCharlee: Lol I guess I can share him for a short period of time. He really is too smart for his age and somtimes that can be extremely scary haha. She definitely needs the nudge with all the crazy stuff going on inside her head. I think over time she will be able too and you're right if anyone can help her it's Spence.

Guest: Happy to hear that.

irishinkjunkie1024: I'm happy that you're liking it. Honestly I was a bit scared at how people would react to the story because of Aiden and Madison's deaths but I'm glad everyone seems to be enjoying it so far. All will be revealed in time. :) I like the suspense... don't you? hehe. Ty is the best! Right? That's how kids are though! They have all this game and swag cause they're not worried about anything. They're just living life haha. I was in Europe for a bit, Ireland, France, England, and Italy; just traveling around. I'm sorry that you can't go out and enjoy your awesome weather though. Why are you a klutz?

Sarah: You don't have to decide lol. Both of them are awesome, it's a packaged deal. :)

* * *

I drum my fingers on the steering wheel thinking about what I'm doing here. Seriously what am I doing here? I'm not home to make friends, I'm not even home for that long. I run my hand down my face and groan tiredly. I'm just going to call and cancel because...well just because.

I grab my phone and go to her name. I stare at it as I try to think of why I'm canceling. I don't want to lie. I swallow and my throat feels a bit scratchy. I can tell her I'm coming down with something and I don't want her to be exposed. Yeah that works. I start the message and while I type a knock on my window breaks my concentration. I look up and see Spencer smiling down at me. I smile weakly and delete the message.

"Hey, you made it." She redundantly states as I step out of the car. I'm caught off guard when she wraps her arms around me and pulls me into a hug. I inhale sharply at the contact and breathe her in. She smells really good. She lets my tense body go and takes a step back. "Sorry I thought a hug would be okay, we could like high five or something next time." She tells me slightly embarrassed and I realize that I haven't said one word yet.

"No you're fine I just didn't expect one."

"Well expect the unexpected and whatnot." She responds airily, I snort because it's kind of corny. She laughs as well and shakes her head. "Yeah that was bad."

"Just a little bit, yeah." I nod my head in the direction of the food trucks. "Come on let's eat."

We walk in silence towards the aisle of food trucks. The streets winding down as families head back home to get ready for the new week ahead of them. Summer is fast approaching but the school year is still in. I wonder for a moment what Spencer's status is and I'm grateful for the topic because I don't know how much longer we have before the silence becomes awkward.

"So what do you do when you're not stalking me?" I ask, turning to face her. I can see a smirk playing at her lips.

"Well stalking you takes up so much of my time that I don't really have time to do anything else." She says, finally allowing the smirk to appear.

"Sounds exhausting." I reply quickly, mirroring her face.

"Well, since I know what you do I guess its only fair that you know something about me." She shrugs as we reach a Korean food truck. I glance up, reading the name: 'Kogi BBQ.' Being overseas I've developed quite the palate. I've learned to not be a picky eater not that I ever was one but it's definitely gotten a variety of tastes since I first left home. Either eat what's in front of me or don't eat. More often than not the food has actually been pretty good.

"That seems fair. "

"Doesn't it though!" Spencer exclaims excitedly and I laugh. It feels good actually, weirdly enough it feels natural...normal. I've been trying hard to be normal and the one time I'm not trying something normal happens. I feel a tiny bit lighter. It's making me feel a bit uncomfortable. As I have my internal freak out at how nice it feels to feel something, and decide whether or not I should feel guilty; Spencer orders her food and pays. I look up and notice that she is holding two containers in her hand and two bottles of water.

"I ordered for you, your mind seemed a bit busy."

"Huh?"

I shake my head ridding it of the fog that's gathered and return to my lunch...date I guess. I'm not entirely sure what this is, if I'm being honest. Spencer giggles as she motions her head towards an empty bench nearby.

"I looked at you after I ordered my food you seemed, I don't know, not here so I just chose something."

We sit down and she hands me a water bottle. She then holds both containers on both palms of her hands and holds it up in front of me.

"Pick." She orders and I'm a bit nervous because I don't know what's in either of these dishes. I look warily at the girl in front of me and she's just sporting this smile that's hard to describe but it feels like its inviting me to trust her.

"What if I don't like what I get?" I ask honestly, even if the possibility is slim, it's there. She just shrugs.

"Sometimes you just have to take a chance on what you don't know. You may turn out loving it, or it may even become your favorite thing in the world, so pick."  
I stare at both white containers and sigh choosing the one in her right hand. She gives it to me and I open it. It turns out to be Bulgogi with a side of Pajori, I'm satisfied with my choice as I glance over at Spencer's. She's smirking again.

"It's the same thing!" I shout out and she erupts into laughter.

"Yeah, but you didn't know that and you still took a chance." She smiles cheekily, wiggling her eyebrows before diving a fork into her food.

I savor the taste as I stuff a forkful of the beef into my mouth. I never knew food from a truck could be so good. But then again, I've been overseas for over two years now, just about anything would taste good at this point. I'm not one for complaining much.

"You're doing that thing again." Spencer turns and says with a mouthful.

I swallow the food in my mouth before replying, "You shouldn't talk with your mouth full. I'm sure your mom has taught you that." I pop a brow and smirk.

She swallows and says, "Okay swallowing police." I scrunch my brows and make a face before we both chuckle. "That sounded a whole lot better in my head." She makes a horrified face.

"I'm sure it did." I nod, continuing to laugh at how horrible of a comeback that was.

"Can I ask you something personal?" She turns to face me, placing her box of food down next to her on the bench and wrapping her left leg underneath her right one.

"Sure." I mimic her actions.

"Is it as bad as they say? You know... over there?"

I clear my throat, unprepared for this questioned. No one has ever asked me this. Then again, I haven't really given anyone else the opportunity. I think this is the first time I've spent more than an hour with someone without making an excuse to leave.

"Yeah." I nod. It's the most simple and honest answer I could come up with.

"Then why are you so... normal?"

I stare at her, contemplating my answer. I'm far from normal, believe me. "I'm not." I shake my. I figured it's best to be honest with her. "I try to be, I want to be..." I trail off, looking down at my food. It's hard to be normal when you've seen the things I've seen, been through some of the things I've been through. Normal just isn't really a possibility. "I just don't know how."

I chuckle because I honestly believe that was funny, because when you think about it; does anyone really know how to be normal?

Spencer makes this 'hmph' noise and I look at her curiously, as if at any moment she will reveal the secret of normalcy.

"We all have different definitions of normal…" She shrugs, picking up her food and eating it again.

"Yeah well..." I snort, shaking my head. "I'm pretty sure everyone else's definition is a hell of a lot different from mine."

She chews her food as she tilts her head from side to side contemplating my response. She cutely taps the fork to her lips and I chuckle.

"My comment isn't that wise to deserve such contemplation."

She breathes out a laugh and I just eat another forkful of my Korean BBQ.

"I was just trying to figure out why you think that you're definition is so far from everyone else's."

I glance at her and take a hefty swig of my water to buy me some time. I don't like the depth this conversation is going and I would really like to take the focus off me. I exhale heavily and squeeze my half empty water bottle. I'm anxious, I know she's waiting for me to give some sort of explanation but I honestly am not ready nor do I want to divulge such a confession. She senses that I'm uncomfortable and terribly segways into another topic.

"I write." I furrow my brows in confusion about how we got here.

"I read." I say slowly unclear if I'm supposed to one up her. She licks her lips and shakes her head as a smile splays across her face.

"I'm telling you the one thing, to make my stalking you less creepy."

"Ah right, my one bit of information on Spencer…" I draw out the end of her name waiting for her to finish it. She glares at me playfully.

"Carlin."

"Spencer Carlin the writer." She smiles like she likes the way it sounds.

"Ashley…" She does the same with my name the way I've done with hers and I rolls my eyes, chuckling softly.

"Davies." I finish.

"Ashley Davies the American hero." She giggles at her title and the smile I wore earlier quickly fades away. I'm not a hero. Not in the least bit.

I close up the container and readjust my water bottle so I can hold both in the same hand. I stand up, I'm suddenly uncomfortable and my first instinct is to go. I look down at her and she's just shaking her head. I can't help but ask.

"What?"

"Should I bother?" I'm obviously confused so she clarifies. "Taking a chance?" She stands up and tosses out her trash in the nearby bin. "I'm not asking you to put everything out on the table. I'm here…just being here; trying to get to know you. I just want to—"

"Why?" I shrug. "I'm no one special, I'm just… me." I turn and toss my trash in the bin closest to my side of the bench.

"I know." She chuckles lightly, nodding as she glances down at the ground. "I'm just trying to get to know you… this you. Will you let me?" She asks, finally looking up at me.

I don't know what to say. I haven't talked to anyone on this level in four years. Not even my platoon buddies. I mean we talked to kill time or sometimes because we had no other choice but mostly I kept to myself and until now that's been okay. But here is this girl, trying to get to know me… the real me and I don't know if I'm ready to show her, mostly because I'm not really sure who I am.

"I don't know." I reply honestly. I don't want to get her hopes up. She sighs, glancing towards the parking lot. "I'm sorry." I say for some unknown reason.

"What are you apologizing for?"

"I don't know." I shrug, because I really don't know. I just felt like something needed to be said in that moment and sorry was all I could come up with. "How much do I owe you for lunch?" I dig into my pocket, pulling out my wallet.

"No worries." She waves me off. "It's on me."

"No." I shake my head, pulling out a twenty dollar bill. "I insist." I hold the money out, hoping she wouldn't make a big deal and just take it.

"Seriously Ashley, it's really not a problem, I like getting to buy you lunch. I mean, how often do you get to say you bought an American hero lunch?" She smiles and I can't help the sigh that escapes my lips.

"I wish you would stop doing that." I say as I put the twenty back in my wallet and stuff it back into my pocket.

"What?" She asks, confused.

"Calling me a hero."

"But you—"

"I'm not." I cut her off, my tone a little more abrasive than I intended. The look on her face tells me she's caught off guard too.

"Okay." She says softly. "I won't say it again." I drop my head and watch as she kicks up some dirt under her feet. "I guess I should get going I've got some things to write and you probably got some things to read and whatnot." I lift my head to gauge her expression, I really can't tell with this girl sometimes. She gives me a small smile before turning to look at the parking lot again. "I'm gonna go." She thumbs towards the cars. "I had a really good time today Ashley. Best Sunday I've had in a while. I really hope we can do it again." She lets her statement hang in the air, waiting for me to either shoot down her idea or validate it.

"Yeah." I nod, returning a smile, because truthfully no matter how intense things got today, I still had fun. The most fun I've had in a while actually.

"Cool." She smiles, taking her keys from her pocket. "Later, Ashley." She gives me another toothy smile before strutting off towards her car.

I watch her as she leaves and I back away towards my own car. I drive home thinking about Spencer's request to get to know me. If I let that happen what exactly do I show? I intend on driving home but somehow detour towards the cemetery again. Whenever I had to make a decision about something I'd go to my friends. Friends that were no longer around. Madison would just make the choice for me, while Aiden would help me weigh my options and then they'd both bicker on what I should do. It'd turn into a show for me and make the decision less stressful.

I get out of my car and walk down the path towards the last place they'll ever be and I take a seat in between both of them. I think about how this would look if a stranger were to walk by. Completely morbid I'm sure, but right now I can't let that get to me. I sigh, remembering something I wish I could forget.

–

"_Aiden you're a lousy drinker, maybe you should slow down." I tell my friend as he readies himself to toss the ping pong ball into another cup._

"_I'm good, Ash." He yells over the music and screaming teenagers._

_"He's good." Madison adds. "Plus we're whooping their asses!" She points a finger at Jackson and Theresa. _

"_Beginners luck." Jackson smacks his teeth as Aiden gets his ball in yet another cup. _

"_Whooo." Him and Madison yell, throwing their hands up in the air. _

"_Shit." Theresa mumbles, picking up the cup and drinking it's contents. "Who's idea was it again to use tequila?" She asks, contorting her face in horror as she swallows the clear liquid. "Ah! It burns." She adds, slamming the plastic red cup onto the ping pong table. _

"_It adds to the fun." Jackson shoulder bumps his partner. "Some cups have beer and some have tequila." _

"_You're just trying to get the girls wasted faster so they'll sleep with you." Madison quips. Jackson's eyes pop open wide as he tosses a ping pong ball at Madison. _

"_Shut it, Duarte." He chuckles as she tosses a ball back at him. I watch as Aiden head drops, watching the scene unfold before him. It was no secret that Jackson had a thing for Madison and an even bigger non secret was the thing Aiden had for Madison. The only person who couldn't see Aidens love for her was Madison. Luckily, no one knew my secret. The secret I've kept buried for years. _

–

"I miss you both so much." I say as I feel the tears falling freely. "I don't know how to be here. To be here and attempt to be happy without you." I sigh, shutting my eyes tightly. Sometimes when I concentrate hard enough I can hear their voices. Madison telling me what to do and Aiden helping me weigh the options. "What do I do?"

"Ashley?" I look up to see Mrs. Dennison standing over me.

I quickly wipe my face, standing up. "Mrs. Dennison. Um... hi." Yeah that's all I've got. I've been avoiding this moment for years now.

"How are you?" She asks, a small smile playing at her lips.

How am I? How am I? She's standing in a graveyard, next to her dead son's body and she wants to know how I am?

"I'm here." I shrug. I groan, realizing how stupid of an answer that was. Of course she knows you're here dumb ass, you're standing right in front of her. "What I mean is, I'm just... I'm trying to-"

"I know." She nods, finally letting her lips curl up into a smile. "You don't have to avoid us Ashley, we're not angry with you." She shakes her head and I drop mine to look at the ground. I don't know what to say to that. "We're not." Mrs. Dennison says, lifting my head by my chin. "We're happy that you're here." She nods. "We're happy that your parents didn't have to go through what we did. I'm glad that you weren't in that car. We just..." She closes her eyes, releasing a heavy sigh. I feel like this is something she's wanted to get off her chest for a while but I guess I haven't really given her the chance. "We'd like it if you stopped by more often, you know, when you're in town." She smiles. I nod quickly, not knowing what else to do. "You can come in, you don't have to sit in the car."

So that was Mrs. Dennison all those times watching me from the window. I sigh a little disappointed. I know that Aiden's gone but I don't know. I felt some glimmer of hope or something imagining him watching me from his window each time I drove away.

"Yes ma'am."

"Good." She smiles and nods once as she bends down to place a bouquet of flowers on both Madison and Aiden's graves. "Andrew and I would love to have you over for dinner one day this week if you're available." She says as she backs up to look at me.

"I'd love to." I force a smile, only because I'm imagining how awkward this dinner is going to be. What do I say to them? How do I act?

"Good. Friday sound good?"

"That's great." I nod. She leans forward, kissing my cheek and hugging me before turning and leaving the graveyard. I turn around, flopping back down on the ground. "Your mom just invited me to dinner Aiden." I turn to look at his headstone. "What the heck am I gonna wear?"


	6. Taking Chances

Once again I can't get enough of your amazing reviews. You guys are so freaking awesome. :)

_FufuTheFallenAngel: I couldn't agree more. Spencer is so amazing for helping Ash, in the simplest of ways. By just being there and wanting to actually listen. That is definitely progress on Ashley's part. _

_L2GQ: She is, patience is important. Especially when someone has gone through what Ashley has been through. _

_ReaSoNs2Fall: Normalcy is what we all strive for isn't it? I'm glad you decided to give my fic a try. It makes me happy. :)_

_ItsMeCharlee: That's exactly right! She does need to go at her own pace and not be forced to face things that she's not ready to yet. I don't think this Ashley is very musical haha but I'm sure she'll find her thing. ;) Thank you for reading. _

_Tam24: Yay you're back. I'm sorry you missed the fof. I didn't mean to leave you out or anything like that haha. I'm happy you're enjoying the chapters. I know that you're one of my biggest fans and it makes me feel awesome when I see reviews from you. _

_Annais81: Yay you love Spencer! She is patient because it's a virtue and I think the fact that she lost her brother may also play a part in why she's so patient and understanding. Lol I definitely overdid it with the swallowing police bit haha. _

_rosyy: It is really good! or so i've heard lmao. I haven't actually tried it but I wouldn't be opposed. _

_bookworm848: I'm glad you're loving it. Spashley's the best lol. Aw you really think I'm spot on with the characters? I wasn't sure to be honest. I've never read this take on Spashley and I've heard that it's a bit sad. Glad you don't think so._

_Guest: It definitely will be!_

* * *

I wake up feeling extra weight on my legs and as I struggle to free them, I hear giggling. I can't help the smile that creeps across my face. I sit up, looking down at my little brother. He has his chin in his hands as he sprawls out across my legs.

"Morning Ash."

I groan playfully, wiggling my legs to free them as I rub the sleep from my eyes. "Morning bud.'" I smile down at him.

"Watching doing?"

I chuckle and shrug nonchalantly. "Oh you know…sleeping."

He erupts into a fit of giggles as he collapses on my bed. "So what can I do for you at…" I glance at my phone for the time. "...six forty-five in the morning?"

"I was just wondering if you could take me to school?" He sweeps his bangs from his face. His Spongebob Pajamas falling off his shoulders, the size a little big for his body. It's his favorite though so he doesn't mind it.

"Yeah sure thing bud, go get ready."

He cheers and jumps off the bed. Tumbling towards the ground, he groans a little in pain and says he's okay before I can ask. I laugh and grab my phone. I don't know what possesses me, but I text Spencer. I lean over to place my phone back on the dresser when it buzzes. I smile a bit when I see Spencer's name pop up.

I didn't expect such a quick reply seeing as it's so early in the morning. I smirk at her response to my simple _'morning'_.

_'To what do I owe this pleasure at the cusp of dawn?'_

_'I'm taking my little brother to school do you maybe want to meet for some coffee?'_

_'Yeah sure.'_

_'No poetic response to that one?'_

_'I save 'em for when the count. See you later.'_

I toss my phone to the side and get ready. I'm feeling a bit anxious for some reason. I'm not sure if it's because I'm counting down the days until dinner with the Dennison's on Friday or if it's because I'm about to see Spencer in a bit, but it's a little unsettling and I'm not entirely sure if it's a good or bad thing yet.

I head down to the kitchen and find my mother already in there.

"Do you ever leave the kitchen?" I ask with a laugh as I kiss my mother on the cheek and grab orange juice out of the fridge. My mother gives me a cheeky smile as she sips her coffee.

"No mother of a seven-year old boy does?" She winks at me and I shake my head as I take a seat on one of the stools at the island.

"Ty wanted me to take him to school today and I'm meeting a…I mean I have a coffee d…I'll just be out for the morning." I rush out quickly.

I avert my eyes from my mother. She's looking at me and I'm a second away from squirming. I don't know what to tell her. I'm not trying to lie or anything, I just don't know what to call this thing I'm doing with Spencer. Is she a friend? She's referenced me as such and I her, but lately there's been this weird 'are we interested in each other' tango between us and she's been leading while I'm tripping all over my feet. I finally look up to my mother and she's hiding a smirk behind her cup. I just roll my eyes as my little brother comes into kitchen and saves me.

"Hey mom!"

I watch as he rushes to her and how she easily embraces his little body while still holding her cup of coffee, not letting one drop of it spill from her cup. She bends down and they disappear behind the counter. I hear whispers and I push myself up to get a better look of what's going on. I see Ty shush my mother and she smirks. What's happening right now? They see me trying to eavesdrop and they both give me the same look causing me to slip back into my chair. Seconds later my mother pops back up to sip her coffee again.

"Ash I'm just gonna eat and then we can go, okay?"

"Whatever you say boss." I wink at him and he blushes as he grabs a step stool to get a box of cereal. My mother is staring at me and I look at her and grunt causing her to toss her hands up in the air.

"Will you be joining us for a meal tonight?"

I sigh because I have been avoiding dinners. I've been home for a few weeks and I've used every excuse in the book to not eat dinner with my family. I feel like if I do then it'll be harder for me when it's time to go. Everyone at arm's length, it's best for everyone. It's hard to miss someone when they're gone when they were never really around in the first place. I bite my lip as I try to make up another excuse and nothing comes. My mother is looking at me in that way that's asking me to say yes. So I do and she smiles.

I get up from the table and ruffle my brother's hair. He groans. I think I just ruined his style. "I'll be in the car, come out whenever you're ready." I tell Tyler as I grab my keys off the counter and head out. "Seven-thirty, Ash!" I hear my mom yell as I head out the door. Of course I already know what time dinner is. It's been the same time since I was a kid.

–

"So was there a particular reason you wanted me to bring you to school today, buddy?" I turn to my brother and question as I drive him to school.

"No." He shrugs. "Not really." I narrow my eyes at him. His mouth is saying one thing but his face is saying another.

"Ty?" I say in a warning tone. He knows that he can tell me anything. I glance at him as he tries not to look at me. "Tyler Jackson Davies." I give him a stern look as I alternate between him and the road.

"Okay, okay." He sighs, glancing at me briefly. "Theresthisgirlilikeandmomsalwayscrampingmystyle." He says in a rushed tone. Yeah, I didn't catch any of that.

"In English, Ty."

"There's this girl I like and moms always kissing my cheek when she drops me off. It's embarrassing." He whines and I can't help but chuckle at him.

"Why don't you just say something to mom then, bud?" I question my little brother, still chuckling.

"Because I don't want to hurt her feelings." He says in a tone that causes me to look at him. He's playing with his fingers and avoiding eye contact.

"Ty?" I say in a questioning tone. Any other seven-year old probably wouldn't have gotten what I was asking but I know Ty does. I pull over, putting the car in park. "Ty what is it buddy?"

"She's sad all the time Ashley. Even since you left she's been sad. She cries sometimes you know." He says, finally looking at me. "She goes into your room and she just cries. She thinks I can't hear her but I do. She thinks I was too young to remember how bad things were when you first left. She wasn't okay Ashley and I'm scared."

"Scared of what bud?" I ask, concerned laced in my voice.

"That she's not going to be okay when you leave this time."

"Who says-"

"I heard you and mom talking before. She said that if you didn't tell me she would. I figured it out."

"You're a pretty smart kid, you know that?" I question, ruffling his hair again with a smile.

"Ash." He whines, pulling down the sun visor to fix his hair.

"Sorry." I chuckle at him. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner that I was leaving again."

"It's okay." He shrugs. "I figured you weren't staying. You don't like us much anyways."

"No Tyler that's not it at all." I unbuckle my seat belt so I can face him completely. "I promise you that's not it. It's just hard you know. Being here in Santa Barbara. I feel..."

"Sad?" He asks, his little eyes staring up at me.

"Yeah." I nod, forcing a smile. "I feel sad and a whole mess of other things when I'm here. But it has nothing to do with my like for you guys. I love you Ty. You, mom and dad. I love you all so much and I promise when I get myself together I'm gonna come back here and things will be normal again."

"What's normal?" He asks with a smile.

"I love you kid." I lift my hand to ruffle his hair but his eyes go wide and I contain myself, mumbling a sorry. It's a habit.

"I love you too, Ash." He smiles, unbuckling his seat belt to climb over the seat and hug me. I smile as he wraps his tiny arms around my neck.

"Okay then, enough of this emotional stuff." I joke as he sits back down in his seat, buckling his seat belt. "Let's get you to school."

"How mad do you think mom would be if I hung out with you today instead?" I give him a look and he nods. "Yeah I figured." I smile as I put the car in drive and pull off.

I stretch my hand up as I notice Spencer walk into the small coffee shop. She gives a slight wave once she spots me and ducks her head down. I think she's trying to hide the larger smile that appeared on her face. I'm glad she does because she misses mine. I use my mother's trick from earlier and use my coffee cup to hide my glee. I sip slowly as she sits and rests her things on her chair.

"Good morning."

"Morning." And there it is, awkward silence. Yeah I'm going to need you to go, I'm awkward enough as it is. Spencer places both hands on the table and laces her fingers together.

"So what's good here?"

I nod my head towards the glass display. "They have really great brownies, blueberry muffins are my favorite, and the cappuccino is pretty amazing."

She nods once and gets up without a word. I watch as she patiently waits in line and I take a moment to gather myself. I don't know why I need to gather myself. I didn't know I was falling apart. I didn't know there was still more of me to fall apart. I get lost in my own thoughts, the scuffing of Spencer's chair across the floor brings me back and I see her placing a blueberry muffin in front of me. I lick my lips as I try to hide the second smile she's forced to my lips this morning.

"So that's two meals you owe me." She says as she sits in her seat and shakes a packet of brown sugar to pour in her cappuccino. She took all of my suggestions and I laugh as she breaks a piece of her brownie off.

"So you just take a chance on everything then?" I ask while I pop my eyebrows up once and she closes her eyes as she savors the chocolaty brownie. She moans a little and I can't help the gulp I take. I look around to see if anyone else notices how much Spencer is enjoying the brownie and I'm the only one taken by her. She finally opens her eyes and looks at me. The blue in her eyes so warm and inviting. I feel myself relax a little and it's as if her eyes are slowly soothing aches that I've felt for years. She doesn't take her gaze away from mine as she answers me.

"Only on things that are worth it." I say nothing to that and she hold the silence, letting the honesty of her words filter into my mind…into my heart. She takes another bite of her brownie and this time I look away because I could barely handle watching the first time she did it. There's something wrong with me. "So how are you?"

I look at her and she doesn't have that look when people ask me that question. That look that people give you whenever something tragic happens in your life, their eyes give you this look of pity. Sometimes it's a little watery as if the sheer sight of you makes them want to cry. But no, not Spencer. She's looking at me like she just wants to know how I'm doing and I'm grateful that she's looking at me like…I'm normal.

I shrug and take a sip of my coffee. "I'm fine." There's no hidden meaning behind that because honestly I'm fine. She does it again, looking at me like I'm normal because whenever I make that my answer people raise their brows as if they're expecting me to give them a whole outline of how I don't really sleep at night. Or how I have nightmares, or condemn myself on the things I had no control over but somehow swear that I did. She just smiles and moves the conversation on.

I peel the wrapper from my blueberry muffin and take a piece off and politely place it into my mouth.

"How is your favorite muffin?" She asks with honest curiosity.

"Still my favorite." My mouth half full and she points to it silently asking for a piece. I don't normally share my muffin with just anyone but for her I'll make an exception and I seem to do that a lot. Make exceptions for her. I don't know why that is. I don't know much when it comes to her, I should probably start trying to make sense of that.

Her response is the same as when she ate the brownie and I can't help but stare again. I don't know how someone makes eating a muffin or brownie so damn enticing but she's doing a bang up job.

"What's the verdict?" I redundantly ask because it's clear that it's delicious. She's licks the crumbs from her thumb and nods in affirmation. She takes a sip of her cappuccino and a bit of foam stays at the corner of her mouth. I try to gesture towards it without causing too much embarrassment. She keeps just missing it and asks me to get it. I choke on air and quickly catch my breath.

"Are you okay?"

I gasp a little. "Yeah, yeah. I'm cool."

I'm not though. I'm really not. That was so bad. Who chokes on air like that? I look at her and still see the foam at the corner of her mouth. I reach my hand across the table and wipe it away for her with my thumb and accidentally brush over her bottom lip. I stop my hand midair at how natural the motion felt for me. She mumbles out a thank you and I just nod dropping my hand into my lap. I order them to stay and look back up the blonde.

"This place is really great Ashley. I don't know how I've never been here before. I'm always looking for cozy coffee shops to just sit and write in."

"That's very Hemmingway of you."

Her mouth shoots out into a large smile and I can tell she's extremely flattered by the comparison.

"Yeah he's one of my favorites. So you do read!"

I laugh out loud at our ongoing joke, and I notice that I'm building a lot of ongoing things with this girl. The jokes, the quip on taking a chance on things, the running into her at different places, and I can't help but wonder if I'll be able to keep her at arms length.

"It took me a while to get to the big words but I manage. Yeah I like Hemmingway, during one of my leaves when I didn't come home I went to Paris and hung out in Shakespeare and Co. all day. It was surreal. I'm by no means a writer but I can only imagine what it would feel like for one to be where the greats once hung out."

She looks at me with amazement and I quickly get uncomfortable. I look away nervously and she just picks up where I left off.

"I can't even fathom the emotional overload I would have if I ever did that. I can practice here maybe." She chuckles at her corny joke and I smile softly at her. I don't remember smiling this much in a long time. At least not smiling without forcing it. "So how did you find out about this place?"

I look down for a second and turn in my seat a little to point to a corner booth. "Aiden, Madison and I used to come here every morning before going to school once Aiden got his license. We felt so grown up grabbing coffee before class. Aiden couldn't stand the taste of coffee though and always ended up getting hot chocolate."

I see the three of us collapsing into seats that are already occupied by customers that are physically here but the memory is too real to recognize their existence. I only see the three of us as I reminisce and retell Spencer memories of my friends that I haven't had the strength to retell myself.

"Madison would always make fun of him for that. He'd get so mad though. She always ordered the most obnoxious drink and get mad if the barista messed it up. It got to the point where she had a designated barista because everyone else was too scared of her." I laugh and I can see Spencer smiling in the corner of my eye. "She'd order a large mocha coffee with no sugar, no whipped cream, extra dry, with half skim, half full milk. No I don't want 2% milk, just a mixture of the both. And raspberry syrup, mix with the milk, then the coffee."

I recite the order the way Madison would and I picture the way she moans after taking her first sip. Spencer's moans don't sound like Madison's but the feeling I get when I hear them feel familiar but different at the same time. That makes no sense.

I sigh as I force myself to swallow the lump that forms in my throat. I turn back to fully face Spencer and she's looking at me in the same way she's always looking at me. Like someone that wants to get to know me and not just about how I'm doing for the time being. I wipe away a small tear that tries to become something more.

"Thanks for sharing that with me." She says sweetly.

"It's not a big deal." I answer and before I can even contradict myself she does it for me.

"Yeah…it is."

We sit silently for a minute and despite the emotional mood shift I feel comfortable. I look at the time and notice the crowd dying down a bit.

"Don't you have class or something?" I try my best to ask in the least abrasive way because I am enjoying her company. I'm just curious as to how she's able to do nothing with me.

"I graduated school a semester early, and I'm just taking some time to write."

"Plus you wouldn't be able to stalk me with a full course load."

She lifts her hand up as if she just remembered the most important detail. "Exactly, now you get it."

"How are you not sleeping in all the time though? I try, but Ty always manages to wake me up."

We share a quick chuckle at the antics of my younger sibling and finish my drink as she answers.

"I'm always up early, I go and sit at my spot every morning at dawn and watch the sunrise. Glen and I used to always catch the best waves in the morning. We'd wake up before our parents and head towards the beach, wetsuits half on, flip-flops smacking against our feet as we ran to beat the sun so we can surf into the orange that hits the blue. So yeah I was already up."

I'm not entirely sure if she only shared that with me because I shared my coffee shop story but I'm happy that she's giving and not just pushing to know everything at one time. I think that's why I'm so comfortable. She's not forcing me to be or do anything when she wants it. I'm appreciative of that.

"So have you found your spot yet?" She asks in the most carefree way, like she just asked for the time. I don't hyperventilate at the question though like I expect I would. I just shake my head no.

"I really haven't thought about it. I do want to look though."

"Well I can reschedule my stalking for today and help if you want me to."

I think and realize I have nothing to do all day anyway. Just pick Ty up from school later on in the afternoon. I also don't know if I can go home yet. I'm not sure I can face my mother yet after learning what I learned this morning. I want to be strong for her and let her know I'm okay but I don't want to pretend that I am. She needs me not to pretend anymore. So I make the choice to go find my spot with Spencer in hopes that it will create some form of closure, for me and for my family.

"Yeah, let's do it!" I answer a lot more enthusiastically than I thought I would. It catches both Spencer and I off guard. She smiles brightly at me and eats the last of her brownie.

"Let's go." I easily follow her out of the coffee shop and head into the day with a perspective that I haven't had in a long time. Before I fully exit the shop though I look back at our booth and smile softly. It's not sad nor is it happy and for right now, a mixture of both is better than one over the other.


	7. A Place To Call Home

The reviews for the previous chapter were amazing as per usual. I hope everyone enjoys this chapter.

L2GQ: Slowly but surely is definitely the route their taking. They both have a ton of healing to do. It'll take time but they will definitely get there.

Godlove: Hey hey where you been? Good to see you back. Thanks. :)

FufuTheFallenAngel: I believe she will in due time. Spencer is magical right? I would love to have her stalk me too... I call dibs on Spencer as a stalker lol.

ItsMeCharlee: Lol that's the only way isn't it? I think it's better to have them as the caring parents don't you? I don't think I've written them any other way except maybe in a couple of my stories. I like for parent's to actually be parents you know and not just be meaningless characters in the story. I had awesome parents so I want people to see what awesome parents look like.

gina32: Ahhh Tunes was one of my favs to write. Heart warming? Really? I'm glad you think so. YOU better prepare yourself for the upcoming chapters then. And thank you for saying I'm a wonderful writer. It means alot.

ReaSoNs2Fall: Yeah it's hard when a kid has to be the strong one in the family but it seems as though it's made ty a completely awesome kid with infinite wisdom.

dani: hey missed you around here. :) Lol I think I was going for that with the way I stated it.

guest: Spencer is so awesome right lol

googoo4u: Heeeey i missed you! Where you been? Hmmm? That's very nosy of me eh lol. I'm glad that you like the chapter titles. I'd like to think that I put a ton of thought into them so that when you guys read them you can kind of get a feel of what the chapter will be about, you know in the big picture sense. I think that the way Spencer is has a lot to do with who she surrounds herself with you know. She also feels kinda like she has to be strong and not show any weakness. Ashley definitely needs to let a lot of stuff go before she can completely heal and give herself over to Spencer.

guest: Me too lol

DominoL: lol I'm happy that you like it. And happy to see a review from you :)

Tam24: Longest review you've ever done. I'm gonna send you a PM cause it'd take me forever to reply to all that in a FoF lol.

* * *

"So where do we start?" Spencer asks me once she hops into the front seat of my car. We decided to take mine instead of hers because it'd be easier for me to drive through old streets than give directions on where Madison, Aiden and I used to hang out. I go to start up the car and my hand hangs onto the keys as I realize that I have not one clue on where to start this hunt.

"I don't know." I say in defeat.

The brand new perspective I left the coffee shop with only moments before has now left me. It came quick and left even faster. I fall back against my seat and feel sadness start to make its decent from my head down to my heart and before it can go any further I notice Spencer's hand as it rests on my leg, showing me full support and I feel myself freeze under her touch. Uhm…what is this? I look at her and her eyes are bright and hopeful and the internal panic that I am clearly undergoing has no affect on her whatsoever.

"Ash it's okay. It took me a while to find my spot with Glen even if we did go there pretty much every single day. I had to follow a routine he and I would do every morning just to realize something I always knew. So how about we do that?"

I felt weak. Like a small child, helpless, on their first day of school. I look at her bashfully and mumble out an 'okay'. Who is this person?! I was being shy and pathetic and really sad. Not in that 'I feel sorry for this person' kind of way, like a 'grow a pair' kind of way. I do not like it one bit but when it comes to this part of my life I feel like I need to be lead by the hand to do anything. Spencer's holding out hers for me to grab, dare I take it?

I sigh, scratching my forehead and I taking my lip between my teeth, nodding in response because right now I can't speak. I'm feeling…I don't know. There I go again, not knowing a damn thing. All I know is that I want my best friends to make sense of this for me, because nothing makes sense. I want them back and I'm going on a search to find a piece of them, a piece of me that left when they did. I exhale like I'm about to take a giant leap into something I'm not ready for. Maybe I am, maybe I need to, Madison would tell me to go for it. Aiden would tell me that annoying acronym 'yolo'.

"Yolo Ash, yolo." He'd say it exactly like that. His voice rings in my head. I hated when he said that because he should still be here. He didn't realize how true that statement was…is. As exasperated as it is.

I'm not entirely sure how much time has passed since I got in the car and I don't think Spencer is keeping track. Her hand is still on my leg and she's still looking at me supportively. I'm growing to really appreciate the way she looks at me. She's the only one that doesn't look at me the way that I feel. Like I'm broken. She looks at me like there's still hope, like there is still life in me.

I turn my car on and Spencer pulls her hand away and sits back into the chair. I look at her briefly and put the car in drive.

"Where's our first stop?"

"School." I say, choosing to follow the routine I started without realizing. I started a regular school day with my friends, first at the coffee shop and now we're off to class.

"Cool." Is all Spencer says as she lets her arm dangle out of the window that she just rolled down. "Onward." I snort out a laugh and she joins in freely.

It only takes about twenty minutes before I'm in front of my high school. I park the car in front and sit in my seat.

"Do you want to go inside?"

I look at the building hoping that would help with my decision. I haven't stepped foot in those halls since before the accident. I didn't even go to graduation. I didn't see the point. If I couldn't reach a milestone with the people I grew up with then it wasn't worth it. Two months left in school but I couldn't take it, so I left school early, got my GED in the mail and off to the army I went. I exhale deeply and shake my head no.

"Alright that's fine. This day doesn't have to be overwhelming." She tells me and I drop my shoulders in relief. She gets it… of course she does. She's gone through this herself and I forget that a lot of the time.

"Thank you." I tell her with much appreciation and she just nods knowingly.

"So you go to the coffee house, and then head to school, then…"

I just shrug and run my hand through my hair. I'm growing frustrated really quickly and I don't want to do this anymore. I think Spencer can sense that as well because she places her hand on my shoulder this time.

"We can just call it quits. We don't have to do this today. It'll help but only when you're ready."

I'm ready I just don't want to have to go through all the heartache of remembering everything in order to get there. I've spent all this time running from it and now I've got to go through it all to find an inkling of peace. I don't know when I got so lazy, I'm used to my ass being whooped into shape in some way. It's always been physical I guess now it's time for an emotional ass whooping. I'm not doing any favors to Madison or Aiden by forgetting who they were; forgetting who I was with them. I try my best to shake the coward off of me and start thinking of all the places I ever went with them on a regular basis.

"We were normal teenagers I suppose. We did the normal things, mall, hanging at the beach, hanging at each others houses. Randomly ended up places we never planned on ending up."

I look at Spencer and she's wearing her smile that I'm growing quite fond. I pull my bottom lip into my mouth to fight off the effects of her contagious smile. I just shrug as I wrack my brain for a spot that means more than I ever thought it would.

"What's one place you guys found and it felt like yours even if it may have been visited by other people. A place that you guys went just because it made you feel like you were the only people on the earth."

The more she describes the place the clearer it becomes for me. I smile and start the car back up. She doesn't ask where we're going. She can see the determination in my eyes as I drive through the traffic. A little excited to go to a place I haven't been to in so long. I pull into a spot in the parking lot of Skofield Park and Spencer looks around the area with curiosity.

"I know it doesn't look…" She cuts me off with a look that's telling me to stop talking nonsense.

"I'm just happy you're allowing me to go on this journey with you."

"I'm happy you're doing this with me." I reveal and her breath hitches a bit. I'm just as surprised as she is with how straightforward I've been. We share the moment for a few more seconds until I remember why I'm here. We break eye contact and get out of the car.

I inhale with enthusiasm and take a familiar step forward. Even though I haven't been here in years walking to our spot feels as if I only left it yesterday. Spencer is kind enough to stay several feet behind, allowing her presence to be comforting opposed to overwhelming. I can't help but marvel at this person that collided into my life. I imagine a group of twelve-year olds ahead of me.

A lanky boy with curly brown hair on the left, a shorter brunette in the middle with a straight ponytail, and a sassy girl to the right of her with wild light brown hair, I breathe out a laugh as I watch them race the trail ahead of me. The little Latina pushes the lanky boy and he whines petulantly while the small brunette laughs along with her friend. The boy threatens to give the girls noogies and chases after them. I turn down off the beaten path and duck under low branches. The group grows in front of my eyes as all three of them are more filled out. Whether it be muscles, chests, or backsides. It's clear that they are older. They're sixteen this time and the teenage boy is talking about a party as the sounds of water become more distinct.

I reach our spot and the group disappears. Everyone except for one, I see a younger me turn to look at me and smile genuinely. I look around and close my eyes. The light filters in through the leaves from the trees above. The creek flows smoothly as waves of water cascades down from one boulder to another. I take a spot on my usual boulder. I take off my shoes and let my legs hang off my rock as the water glides under my feet. I lean back against my palms and lift my face towards the sky. I hear them, their laughs, their taunting. I remember old conversations. Conversations that consisted confessions of sexual experiences, our fears, our dreams, our plans, where we would go from here. Things that they'll never get to experience and tears start to roll down from my eyes. I don't try to stop them because this is our place. We never held anything back from each other here and I'm not going to stop now. I pull my legs from the water, towards my chest as I cry into my knees. My cries turn into sobs and I know I'm loud but I can't care because here I need to cry, here I know they know how sorry I am, here I take the first step I need to make in order to let go of all the bad and remember good. Here I say a proper goodbye and turn it into a see you later.

"I miss you guys so much. I'm sorry you aren't here. If there was anything I could do to bring you back I'd do it in a heartbeat. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to realize where I could find you. Nothing is the same without you. I'm not the same without you." I drop my forehead against my knees. The rest of my tears are accompanied with some sniffles. I keep my eyes closed, felling the pain of a slight headache from all the crying. I inhale deeply before I slowly rock myself back and forth.

I lose myself in my memories that the creek brings back to me. I feel warm and the guilt I always feel is nonexistent in our spot. It's like I can hear Madison telling me to suck it up and feel Aiden supportively rub my back. The imagined feeling turns real as I feel a smaller hand on my shoulders. I look up and Spencer's smiling down at me. I return the smile and she's looking a little shy. I'm remembering the Spencer the first day we met. It feels so long ago since she came into my life and she's easily—quickly—became someone I can't imagine it without.

"I'm sorry to bother you, I just grabbed you water, I figured you'd be dehydrated from all the…" She clears her throat leaving the assumption in the air. I'm not catching on and she clarifies. "…crying."

"I do have a headache." I confess and grab the water bottle from her. I look at it, curious where she got it from.

"The snack bar near the parking lot." She answers before I can even ask and she giggles knowing that my confusion turns into horror because she can read my mind. She rolls her eyes, clearly knowing the internal monologue that is going on right now. "When I figured out my spot I was there for six hours straight crying, I even fell asleep a few times. When I finally got home I ate and drank as if I'd never had food before."

"Wow six hours?"

She just nods and sighs. I know she's thinking about Glen, so I sit in silence with her showing respect to him as well. I didn't know him but knowing his sister I consider myself lucky and imagine how great he must've been.

"Yeah it's easy to lose track. You've been here for a little over two."

My eyes shoot open in surprise and she giggles. I push myself up and lose my balance. She catches me and helps me up. She's very close and I breathe her in by accident. I shut my eyes and let her consume my senses.

"I guess I'm more tired than I realized."

"Yeah." She breathes out as her eyes scan my face. We take a step away from each, blushing slightly. "I'm not rushing you or anything I'm fine writing. I found my way back to the car I can just…"

"No no it's fine, you've done so much for me I don't want you just waiting around too."

"I'd wait any amount of time for you." She answers smoothly and my stomach flips. She's looking at me with a charming smile and I just nibble on my bottom lip.

"I'll try my best to not make you wait much longer." I answer that with a subtext that I wasn't aware I was trying to make. She just winks at me and points back in the direction she came from. I watch as she leaves and I turn to face the creek again. "She's the reason I'm here." I tell my friends as I drop my feet back into the water. "I wouldn't have this… have you again if it weren't for her." I smile as I think of the blonde haired girl whose enthusiasm and amazing view on life has brought me such a wonderful gift. As I sit and listen to the water splash against the rocks, reminiscing on old times with my friends I hear the breaking of sticks behind me and it pulls me from my memories.

"Ashley." Spencers soft voice echoes in my ear. I smile, standing up from the creek to turn and look at her. "I'm not sure if you've got something to do, I'm okay staying here all day I just didn't know if you had any—"

"Oh my God!" I gasp as I look down at my watch.

"I'm guessing you had—"

"Tyler!" I interrupt her again. "I was supposed to pick him up from school." I slide back into my shoes in a hurried fashion as both Spencer and I make our way through the woods to the parking lot. "Ugh! I can't believe I forgot about him."

"How late are you?" Spencer questions as we reach the parking lot.

I glance down at my watch again. "I'm not yet. I've got ten minutes to get to his school, but I need to drop you off to get your-"

"I'll just go with you." I turn around to look at her. She's smiling this infectious smile.

I shake my head as I try my best not to smile back at her. "You don't have to, you probably got better things—"

"It's not really like you have much of a choice do you?" She pops up her shoulders once, tilting her head to the side. Ugh! Who is this girl and why has she been thrust into my life so abruptly?!

I weigh my options for a moment. If I call my mom and ask her to get him then she'll grill me about where I've been and what I've been doing all day. If I try to make it back to the coffee shop to let Spencer get her car I'll be late for sure. I mean what's the big deal? It's not like she hasn't met Ty already anyway and he likes her so…

"Stop weighing your options and just get in the car Ashley." I groan, playfully rolling my eyes.

"Fine, get in." I tell the blonde. I unlock the door and she quickly climbs into the passenger seat, buckling her seat belt. I slide into the driver's seat, mimicking her actions before putting the keys into the ignition and driving off.

We make it as soon as the bell rings and I exhale a sigh of relief. I probably broke a couple of laws on the way here but that's neither here nor there.

"There he is." Spencer points; I look up and see that is indeed my brother. Oh my God! No! "Who is that woman with him?" She asks, waving at my little brother. I groan as my brother and my mother head towards us.

"Great." I mumble under my breath.

"What's great?" Spencer turns and asks with a look of confusion. She'll understand in a second.

"Ashley what are you doing here?" My mother asks. I lift myself up from the hood of my car, ruffling my little brothers hair before turning to my mother.

"I thought I had to pick Ty up from school today since I dropped him off. I didn't know that—"

"And who might this be?" She turns to Spencer, a smile planted on her face.

"I'm Spencer." Spencer holds out a hand for my mom to shake.

"Ah!" My mom claps her hands together, smiling even bigger than before. "The infamous Spencer." No no, don't do that mom.

"Infamous?" Spencer turns to me with a bright smile. I shake my head in utter horror but before I can get out a word my mother chimes in… again.

"Well of course. I've heard so much about you." What! I haven't told my mom a single thing about Spencer. What is happening right now?

"Is that right?" Spencer turns and looks at me again. I close my eyes, wishing this moment away.

"Mhm. Tyler here hasn't stopped talking about you since the mall a few weeks ago." My mother says in a tone that causes me to open my eyes and look at her. She's giving me this look I can't really explain. Kind of like 'ha, got you!' That sneaky woman.

"Well this little guy left quite an impression on me as well." Spencer says sweetly, bending down to kiss my brother on the cheek. He blushes and hides behind our mom's leg.

"I'm glad to finally meet the girl that's been keeping my daughter occupied these past few days." My mother smiles warmly at Spencer. The sheer truth of her words filling the air. I know my mother wants me to be happy and I think she sees the changes Spencer is causing in me.

"Well it's been amazing to hang out with your daughter ma'am." I turn to look at Spencer. She glances at me, flashing me a grin before turning back to my mother.

"Well I should get this little one home." My mom pats Tyler on the back. He whines, swiping her hand away. She chuckles at him, shaking her head. "Spencer what are you doing this evening?" My mother starts and I already know where this is going. I shake my head as Spencer opens her mouth to answer.

She purses her lips and shrugs. "I don't really have any plans at the moment." Spencer answers and I don't have to hear what my mom is about to say to know what's coming.

"Would you like to join us for dinner?" Leaves my mom's lips and I roll my eyes. Not that I don't want Spencer to come over but I mean seriously mom?! You couldn't even let me be the one to ask her?

"Sure." Spencer answers quickly. My mother smiles and nods, saying a 'good' before she kisses me on my forehead and heads off towards the parked cars to go home and prepare this dinner she just invited Spencer to.

"I guess you're coming to dinner." I turn to Spencer and say awkwardly.

She chokes out a laugh, avoiding eye contact. "Yeah. I guess I am." She turns silently, getting back into the car. I close my eyes, soaking in what just happened. Spencer's coming to dinner. No big deal. I shrug, trying to shake it off.

No big deal my ass.


	8. Tripping And Falling

I can't get enough of reading you guys awesome reviews thanks so much!

bookworm848: I'm sorry I'm posting too fast lol. I'll slow down a bit to make sure I let you get your review, but then you'll have everyone relying on you to post your review fast lol. You sure you want that kind of pressure on you. I really appreciate you saying that I've got the core of our two favorite girls. That's what I was going for. Talking seems to do the trick. I think for Ashley she was just looking for someone to actually hear her and not just listen with this preconceived notion that she's not okay no matter what she says. Idk if that makes sense or not lol.

Godlove: Thank you :)

FufuTheFallenAngel: Thank you, I'm glad you liked it. Lol I see you with your amazing negotiation skills cause I mean, how can I say no to you giving me four days... I guess sharing isn't so bad.

DominoL: lol isn't she though.

rosyy: I'm amazed that I was able to bring that out in you and happy that you feel so strongly and can connect so well with Ashley.

L2GQ: Definitely! Home is where the heart lives and right now Spencer is opening up Ashley's world as well as her heart.

NDFightingIrishFan: She will try her best to continue down this path that Spencer is trying to lead her down. Whatever it takes.

gina32: I shoot for detail because it's important to paint a picture for the reader as I do for myself when I'm writing the story. Tyler's the cutest lol. Christine is a mess yes. Here's the next chapter for you.

Tam24: Seriously lol. This one is longer than the last one lol. You're killing me here. Not that I'm complaining cause I'm not lol. I got way too much to say and not enough time. PM is on the way.

Guest: Thank you.

Annais81: Yay swooning lol. That's the perfect pick up line right! Spencer's so adorbs I can't even deal with her lol. I seem to be making alot of people go through a mix of emotions and I don't know whether to pat myself on the back or kick myself lol.

dani: Well I do miss you! Stay with me! LOL. Spencer is a pro at this right? Seems like she's had tons of experience, I guess losing someone close to you like that you can sort of empathize with others. Ty is the best and Ashley does have this way of showing only certain emotions around him but it's hard to be anything but happy when he's around.

Guest: Glad you think so.

SONNOC: YOu didn't get up to this chapter but I'm gonna put you here anyway cause I see you trying. I'm glad you're reading again. I've missed your reviews. And you of course :)

googoo4u: OH NO! I'm glad you're feeling better cause seriously, being sick sucks! I think I'll check that song out. I think the fact that she's allowing Spencer to even attempt to break down her walls is a break through. Wouldn't you agree?

ShardsOfRayne: I absolutely love you. I have been getting all these emails and such saying this story and that story has been Favorited by you and I'm just like wow. I was actually going to send you a pm today and thank you but then I saw you reviewed so I said let me tell you how I'm feeling lol. I'm ecstatic btw if you can't tell. I'm sorry that you lost a friend to suicide that is never an easy thing but I am glad for you that through that horrible tragedy you found your bright spot, much like Ashley has found in Spencer. The upcoming chapters are dedicated to you and your strength to pull through a tragedy and be here today. Thank you so much for sharing your story with me and for taking the time to read mine.

* * *

After dropping Spencer off to pick her car I headed home and proceeded to freak out. I'm not really sure if I'm more horrified for myself or for Spencer. My mother can definitely be a handful and I know she already has it in her mind that something is going on between Spencer and me and there's no changing it. So basically, Spencer better expect the third degree.

"Ashley." My brother pulls me from my thoughts. I turn over to see him standing in the doorway.

"Come in bud." I swing my legs to hang off the side of the bed as he plops down next to me.

"Mom invited Spencer to dinner." He says simply, glancing up at me.

I choke out a laugh, looking down at my little brother. "Yeah I know. You nervous, buddy?" I pop a brow and wait for his answer.

"Not a chance." He says quickly, slapping my arm. "I'm just wondering how you're feeling…" He lets his statement linger in the air as his eyes slowly make their way up to mine.

Why does he care what- "Oh my God!" I half scream, cutting off my own thoughts. His eyes go wide like he knows I've figured out something I wasn't supposed to. "You little munchkin." I flip him back onto the bed and start to tickle him. "Spill it, now." I point a playfully stern finger at him with my left hand as my right continues to tickle him.

"Okay, okay, okay." He chuckles out, barely able to catch his breath. I narrow my eyes at him as I dismount, allowing him to sit up. "I'll never tell." He says quickly, trying to run away. I grab him and toss his little body back on the bed softly; continuing my tickle fest.

"I've got all night Ty." I explain. He chuckles, trying to catch his breath.

"No don't make me." He laughs out.

"Spill your guts little boy." I tickle him even faster.

"Alright, okay!" He shouts through giggle fits. "I tried to set you up with Spencer because I didn't want you to leave." He finally gets out. I pause my tickling, looking down at my little brother.

"What do you mean?" I ask as he sits up, fixing his hair and clothes.

"I don't know." He shrugs.

Oh no, he's not getting away that easy. "Of course you do Ty, you said it." I turn to face him, pulling my right leg under me.

"I don't want you to go, Ash." He says softly as he plays with his hands.

"Ty buddy I don't really have a choice." I try to explain to him.

"Mom told me about your friends; the two that left you." He turns to look at me, his eyes sparkling with unshed tears. "She told me that because they left you, you had to leave too." I place a comforting hand on my little brother's shoulder.

"Ty I-" I honestly don't know what to say right now. He's partly right. I did leave because Aiden and Madison left, but it's so much more than that too.

"I thought maybe if I could get you a new friend you wouldn't have to leave again. If you cared for Spencer enough you'd stay home this time." His tiny eyes bore holes into mine as he awaits my response. My heart breaks because he has no idea how much more I feel at home because of Spencer and it makes leaving that much harder. And don't even get me started on how hard it's gonna be to leave this little guy. "I just don't want you to go." He adds, finally letting his tears fall. I grab him, pulling him into my arms.

"I know bud, I know." I whisper, rubbing circles in his back as he cries into my arms.

It's unintentional but we both fall asleep. A day of tears can take a toll on a person. After crying at my new spot and having the talk with Ty, my body is wiped. I stir awake and smile at my little brother curled into a ball, digging into my side. I laugh quietly and stretch out my arm to grab my phone. I look at the time and it's already half past six any other day I wouldn't care but my heart begins to race as I notice the screen of texts from Spencer. Each one is asking me about dinner. I start to panic again and I try my best not to wake Tyler up.

I rush to my bathroom and stare at myself in the mirror. I look awful! What the heck is going on with my face? My eyes are all puffy, my hair looks like a squirrel tried to make a home in it, and I've got those lines on my face when you fall asleep on something. This is not a good look, not a good look at all. I start doing breathing exercises as if I am trying to be at the top of my Lamaze class. I jump when my phone starts to buzz and see that Spencer is calling. I take a deep breath and try to put on an airy tone, why? I don't know. When it comes to this girl I know nothing.

"Hey there, Spence!" I stick out my tongue in disgust at how ridiculous I sound.

"Uh hey?" She sounds like she's trying to hold back a laugh. I'd laugh at me too if I were her. I sound like an idiot. "I sent you some messages…"

"Yeah no I just saw them I'm sorry."

"No it's cool. I just wanted to make sure you still wanted me over for dinner…"

"No, yeah, right…I mean yeah of course I still want you." I say and my eyes shoot open. "For dinner! I want you for dinner!" Horrified face excels times ten. "I want you _over _for dinner not that I don't want you for dinner or oh my god..." I want to scream. I want to scream, run away, and hide in that order. I slap my forehead and turn to lean against my sink. This is the worst. She's not saying anything and I'm afraid to even speak. "I would love to have you over for dinner, Spencer." I say each word slowly, like I'm reading from a card.

She giggles and there goes my stomach again. I'm going to blame it on hunger.

"Okay Ashley." Her tones robotic and she laughs. I respond with a fake laugh and her laugh becomes livelier as she enjoys the way I just teased her.

She calms down and so do I.

"It's at seven-thirty and I'm assuming you need my address."

I guess correctly and give her directions to my place. She stresses the acceptance of her invitation and I repeatedly tell her it is fine. I'm looking forward to seeing her. I really am. We hang up and I see myself in the mirror and I realize I have only forty minutes until she gets here. Let's get to work Ashley.

I've gotten ready in record time. I look in my mirror impressed with myself. I shake my hair out a bit, trying to make it look like that I don't care when I really do. More than I should. More than I thought I would. I run my thumb under my bottom lip, getting rid of the excess gloss. I smile at myself for reasons unbeknownst to me and back away as I hear my mom shout that Spencer is here.

I feel like I'm in high school again and my crush is here. I get sad for a minute and try my best to shake it off. I'm not allowed to be sad anymore, that's what I feel like Madison would tell me. I miss them though and I walk backwards and drop to sit on my bed. I run my hands over my legs and squeeze my knees. I look up at the sound of a knock on my door. I get up to answer the door and already know to look down instead of straight. I smile at Tyler and his eyebrows raise a bit when he sees me.

"Wow Ashley." I roll my eyes. "You look really pretty."

"Buddy I'm not wearing anything special." I'm really not I'm just in a flowing white tank with a pair of jean capris and sandals. Okay yes I put on makeup but eye shadow and lip gloss doesn't mean anything.

"Yeah but still…you look real nice." I breathe out a small laugh and place my hand on his shoulder and lead him away from my room, closing the door behind me.

We both walk down the stairs and I overhear my father talking to Spencer. She's laughing so that's a good sign. Unless he's showing her baby pictures of me, what is that obsession with parents anyway?

"So I'm in the portable john…"

"Ugh dad, don't tell her that story." I say as he gets more animated over the disgusting story of how he got locked in the portable toilet and how it got flipped over. My mother wouldn't let him in the house. She hosed him down in the backyard and made him bathe in Tyler's kiddie pool for three hours, and then he had to buy him a completely new one.

Spencer looks up at me and my little brother rushes down the stairs and greets her with a hug. I laugh and shake my head as I slowly move towards my dinner guest. I stop at the bottom of the stairs.

"Easy buddy, don't break her." She laughs and he moves away bashfully, mumbling out a sorry. She squeezes his shoulder and tells him it's alright.

"I'm indestructible, like your sister here."

I shake my head and rub the back of my neck shyly. Indestructible is not even close to how I see myself. It's nice to know that she does though. My dad leads Tyler out of the foyer and towards the dining room shouting over his shoulder that he'll finish telling Spencer the story later.

"No you will not." I order and he guffaws as he disappears into the next room.

"Don't be such a lame-o. I want to hear the end of the story."

"It's nothing appealing I'm telling you that right now." I say as I lean against the banister and she just shrugs.

"It's the things that no one else finds appealing that interests me the most." I stare at her, trying to decipher if there's some hidden message behind her statement. She's not revealing anything though and I let it go.

I push myself away from the steps and buck my head in the direction of the dining room. I start to walk but I notice that she hasn't moved.

"Ya comin'?" She looks around like she trying to find the quickest exit out of here. I don't blame her. I walk closer to her and grab her hand lacing her fingers with mine. "Don't worry…we won't bite." I say with a laugh and she squeezes my hand.

"Imagine my disappointment at hearing that." She tells me and quirks a brow. I blush and turn to walk forward before I trip over my feet. "You look really pretty by the way." And there goes my effort at not trying to trip over my feet. I stumble forward slightly and Spencer's grip on my hand tightens reestablishing my balance. I mumble out a thank you and she just shrugs. "Just stating a fact."

My stomach flips. I'm going to need her to stop making it do that.

"Oh Ashley you look great." My mom says in surprise when she sees me as we enter the dining room. She's acting as if I've never put any effort into what I've worn in the past.

Instead of getting feisty I just smile at my mother and say thank you. She looks down at my hand in Spencer's and Spencer is the one to let go before I do. She just smiles embarrassed and places her hand on a seat.

"May I?"

"Please." My mother offers happily and I don't know what comes over me but I pull her chair out for her and she looks at me. I don't allow myself to freak out though I just raise my brows waiting for her to sit down. She does without allowing another second to pass by and I help her scoot in.

I try not to look at the members of my family because I know what they're thinking. I don't need them to think it's something that it's not. Especially since it's not what they think it is…at least I don't think it is.

"Ashley you gonna sit or…" Tyler asks and I realize I'm the only one standing up. I shake my head and take a seat.

I force out a laugh, embarrassed at myself. I don't know why I act this way when I get around this girl. It's like she was the bumbling, tripping over her words person when we met and now I'm her. But instead of just tripping over my words I'm tripping over my feet, my words, tables, chairs, couches, hell even other people.

"Yeah." I swallow the lemon in my throat as I take a seat at the table next to Spencer. No freaking out Ashley. This is just gonna be a nice dinner with a friend and your family.

–

I'm not sure why I ever expected anything less than what I've gotten this whole night. A nice dinner with my mom and someone she thinks I'm starting some kind of something with. Yeah right!

My mom has been either grilling Spencer or telling her embarrassing stories about me. And my dad of all people has been helping her. I'm really not sure what the heck is going on around here, it's like I'm in the twilight zone.

"And that's how Ashley got that scar on her right butt cheek." I come out of my thoughts as soon as my mom is done telling yet another embarrassing story. I watch as Spencer, my dad, my mom and even Tyler laugh. That little bugger! I thought he would be on my side.

Nope I'm done!

"And on that note we're gonna go take a walk." I grab Spencer's hand, pulling her away from the table.

"But I'm enjoying-" I whip my head around to look at her, begging her with my eyes to just come with me; no protesting. "Okay." She nods.

"We'll be back." I shout to no one in particular as I rip open the front door, Spencer hurriedly grabs our jackets hanging on the rack in the hall. Summer is fast approaching but it's not here yet so some spring nights can get a bit chilly. I'm grateful she does because as we step out into the night air a chill hits my spine.

"It really wasn't that bad." Spencer smiles as she hands me my jacket.

"Right." I playfully roll my eyes at her as I put on my jacket. "The stories aren't about you."

"True." She chuckles and nods. "So where are we going?" She asks after a moment. I glance up at the night sky, taking in the sheer perfection of it. "Nice night out." Spencer pulls me back to earth. I turn to face her, a smile planted firmly on her face. I'm starting to really envy that smile; so pure and full of joy. Spencer clearly has this view of life that can make even the smallest things seem like the most amazing thing on the planet.

"It is." I agree, glancing up at the sky once more before turning back to the girl who has made her way so effortlessly into my life… into my heart.

"I didn't really have a particular place in mind." I answer her earlier question.

She shrugs, stepping down off my porch to stand next to me. "Then let's just get lost in the night." She looks down at my hand, lacing her fingers in mine. I can't help but smile at how natural this feels right now.

"Sounds good."


	9. Face Your Fears

This chapter and the next are two of my favorites and a later chapter. I hope you all enjoy! Also I would really like to start posting a chapter a day, I'm really excited. So...maybe I'll do that.

L2GQ: Look at you throwing out two compliments in the same sentence lol had me blushing and what not lol. Thank you for continuously reading and commenting on this story it means so much. You'll find out all about the military stuff soon. I promise.

gina32: I think we all wish for the type of relationship Spencer and Ashley have. He really does. I think it could be because she was so loving towards him when he was born because he was a miracle baby in the first place.

FufuTheFallenAngel: Spashley cuteness is the best right! Lol almost? I might have to take her back from you now...

ShardsOfRayne: I know but I want to. You're so awesome and I can't think of a better way to express how awesome you are. Ooooh I loved writing gravity. That was one of my favorite stories lol. I think I'm gonna go back and reread it now lol.

ReaSoNs2Fall: Your wish is my command.

bookworm848: You did an amazing job I'm the slacker here. I've wanted to get this update out all day but I was being lazy and then I got a headache and blah blah lol. I laughed out loud when I read your comment about wanting Ash for dinner, you and every other girl in the world. I'm so jealous that you got to meet them. I wanted to go to that SoN Convention but I couldn't :( Let's pray for another one.

Annais81: Okay I'll try not to hurt myself lol. That's exactly what I'm going for. A mix of every different kind of emotion cause I love when stories can make you laugh, cry, scream, blush, hot and everything else lol. Goosebumps are always good right? Here's the next chapter, hope you like it.

Guest: He's seven and he's awesome!

dani: Thank you for sticking around. :) Hmmm... I never really thought about it like that but you're absolutely right. I mean I think it's mentioned in the story later that she's just treating Ash the way she'd want someone to treat her but I didn't really think about it in depth. It's never easy to lose someone you love but surrounding yourself with people that genuinely care for you can sometimes help. When I lost my dad I know I didn't want to be bothered for months. I lost my gf and a few friends in the process but the people that really cared about me stuck around and helped me through it. And my gf was one of them.

Tam24: Aw you went from essay to a couple paragraphs. Anyways, thank you so much for noticing the title play. It's something I sit and think about before naming the titles or in some cases its the name of the song that inspired me to write the chapter. Lol dads are always telling embarrassing stories thinking they're funny.

This chapter is Dedicated to ShardsOfRayne, bookworm848, and anyone else that's lost someone important to them.

* * *

I roll over, glancing at the time on the clock on my nightstand. I smile, remembering the events of last night. Spencer and I ended up in the park. We swung on the swings for a while before we walked down to the wishing well about both tossed in a coin. We didn't have to ask to know what the other wished for.

I close my eyes, taking it all in. I never imagined that I'd come home and bump into a girl as amazing as Spencer. She's changing me… bringing me back to life in a sense. I don't think I've smiled, laughed or enjoyed myself this much since the beginning of senior year. My mind instantly taking me back to a place I wish it wouldn't.

"_I'm dancing like a penguin Mads look!" Aiden shouts over the music as he opens his stance wide, his feet pointing out and he moves from side to side. He looks ridiculous. Madison and I both laugh at him and in his drunken stupor he probably thinks he looks good. _

"_You're never gonna get a girl dancing like that!" Madison shouts. Aiden stops dancing, moving closer to her. _

"_I don't want a girl, I want you." Aiden slurs his words. Madison's breath hitches as my eyes go wide. _

"_What?" Madison seems to sober up a bit to ask. _

"_I want you Madison Duarte. Can't you tell?" Aiden tries to balance himself as he declares his love for the girl he's liked for almost five years. I stand back, watching the scene unfold in front of me. Madison looks genuinely dumbfounded. It could be the amount of alcohol she's consumed or she might have really not known. But how could she not know how easy it is to fall in love with her? Her sassiness, her inability to lie to you even if she knows the truth will hurt your feelings, the way she speaks Spanish only when she's upset. There's nothing about Madison that isn't loveable. _

"_Aiden I-"_

"_Don't you dare tell me don't feel it." I don't know why I'm subjecting myself to this right now. I should just leave. Just walk away. But I can't, something is keeping me rooted in this spot. I watch as Aiden moves closer to her, I know what's about to happen. I know what he's going to do. He's going to kiss her and as much as I want to stop him right now I can't. I can't because she doesn't know. She doesn't know how I feel and that's my fault. But I can't watch this. I need to leave. _

_As Aiden moves in for the kill I close my eyes, the sharp intake of breath hurting my chest. I can't be here, move Ashley. Walk away. Just go! I open my eyes, pulling myself away from them. _

"_Ashley wait!"I think I hear Madison shout, but that can't be, because right now her lips are being dominated by a set that aren't mine. _

I shake my head, forcing the memory to stop. I can't go back there! I just got a little bit better. I bite my lip as I mull over a way to make sure my negative thoughts don't consume me. I reach over to my nightstand grabbing my phone. A small smile appears as the other line picks up.

"Good morning." Spencer's voice fills my ears and every bad thought that I had just floats away.

"Morning." I reply as I sit up against my headboard. It's only seven-thirty in the morning but I can tell Spencer's been up for some time by the tone of her voice.

"Why are you up so early?" She questions as I hear papers rustling in the background.

"I was gonna go for a run." That's not entirely a lie. Now that I'm up I _am_ gonna go for a run.

"Ah ok going over hills and over dales, hitting those dusty trails?"

I erupt in laughter and shake my head at the wit on this girl. "Yeah rolling along with those caissons and such."

She laughs and I feel like I'm the funniest person in the world.

"Are you going to run around your spot or where you fell the other day?" She asks seriously and I grunt in embarrassment.

"Really you have to bring that up? Do I have to remind you about your freak out regarding my barely there scrape?"

She tuts and I have to bite my bottom lip to control the size of my smile, any larger and I fear my cheeks will tear from the inside out.

"Well next time I'll let you suffer." She says airily but I know that won't be the case should I never scrape anything. I answer her question after our little quip fest. She informs me on her morning and tells me how she went surfing this morning.

"I got a little beat up by the waves it's been some time since I've been out there. Took me a minute to get my legs back but once I did it felt good."

I smile for her because I can tell she's genuinely happy. I feel like I'm to her what she's been to me even though I haven't really done anything. In fact I feel a little bit selfish acting like I'm the only one who has lost someone close to them. I try to think of a way to repay Spencer for all her generosity and sweetness. I'll make sure to ponder on that one because it's got to be something special.

"So do you?"

"Huh?"

I must've spaced out and she just giggles. "Want to learn to surf?"

"With the fish?!" I ask in horror.

"No don't worry I'll tell them not to come near you." She replies easily and we fall back into our banter.

"Hey ma." I greet my mother as I take a seat on the stool. She places a smoothie in front of me before kissing me on the forehead.

I glance down at my smoothie. Confused at how my mother knew I was awake and to make me a smoothie. "How did you-"

"I heard you get up." She cuts me off and smiles as she walks around the counter.

"Someone's in a good mood." I smile at her, taking a sip of my smoothie.

"I'm always in a good mood." She shrugs, going back to putting up the groceries. "Going for a run?" I nod, continuing to sip my delicious beverage. "I'm cooking lamb chops and greens tonight, will you be eating?" She turns to look at me with a raised brow.

"Yes mom." I tell her, hopping off the stool with an eye roll. "I'll be home for dinner."

"Maybe you could invite your friend Spe—"

"Nope." I cut her off. That's not gonna happen. No way no how I'm going through that with my parents again. My mother chuckles as I step around her to place my now empty glass in the sink.

"Oh!" She pops up from a bag she was grabbing something from on the floor. I quirk a brow and wait for her to continue. "I saw Maria at the grocery store this morning." My eyes go wide with alarm as my mother continues to tell me the story. "She told me that she could have sworn she saw you at the mall the other day but when she went to look for you she couldn't find you." I start to panic, taking short deep breaths. Please don't let my mom have told her I'm in town.

I grab my mother, spinning her around to face me. My eyes bore holes into hers as I ask the next and most important question. "Mom, please tell me you didn't say I was here!" I half shout, nearly giving my mother a heart attack.

"Well of course I did." She shrugs, confused at the way I'm freaking out right now. "Why wouldn't I?" She narrows her eyes at me, putting together the pieces of the puzzle. "Ashley Fiona Davies have you not been to see Maria since you've been in town?!" She raises her voice. Uh oh! I'm in trouble.

"I, I, I—I was gon-"

"What the hell Ashley?" My mother scolds me. I close my eyes as I take all this in. There's no avoiding this now. Madison's mom knows for sure that I'm in town, I have to go see her. "You go upstairs right now and put some clothes on to go visit that woman. You know you were like a daughter to her. How dare you not—"

"I gotta go mom." I cut her off mid sentence, backing out of the kitchen.

"Ashley you go upstairs and change."

"I'm going for a run." I tell her absentmindedly as I continue to walk backwards towards the door.

"Ashley!" My mom shouts, but I'm already out the door and in my car. I need to clear my head, to figure out what to do and the only thing that'll help me is running.

As my feet slam into the pavement I try to forget the fear I'm feeling. This isn't how I wanted things to turn out. Yes I hid from Madison's mom but I mean that's because I didn't know what to say. I still don't but now I'm being forced by my mother to do something I wasn't really ready to do. My time here isn't an eternity so I can't push things to the very last minute. It'd be rude if I dropped by during my last night and be like 'yeah sorry been here for like a month and half I just couldn't face you by the way how are things?' Yeah no, that doesn't work.

I exhale every time my left foot hits the ground. My mind races as I think of all the scenarios of Mrs. Duarte's reaction when she sees me. There's the one where she slaps me in the face because she's disappointed. Then there's the one where she cries, hugs, then holds me because she hasn't seen me in so long. Or there's the one where she just sits me down and tells me old stories about Madison. I really don't think I can handle the last one just yet. I've just come to terms with being able have any positive feelings without guilt suffocating the life out of me as a consequence.

I stop to catch my breath. I lean over placing my hand on my knees and shut my eyes tight and see my best friends mother's face appear before me. I grumble and lurch myself upright. I can't believe this happened! It's even worse now because it's going to be like I was hiding from her. Which I was, but that's not the point. The point is that my mother is an awful liar, like the absolute worst, why on earth would she divulge this information.

I duck under the branch and leap over logs effortlessly. I get small scrapes on my arm from the branches as I run faster and faster. The sound of the water is bringing me comfort. I'm almost there because I need to talk to them. I need to talk to her. I slow down once I reach the slope of boulders. I check my pulse and catch my breath. Once I control my heaving chest I inhale deeply and let out a huge scream. I scream until my throat hurts.

I rub my neck hoping that'll soothe the little bit of pain I've caused myself. I shake my head and undo my ponytail letting my hair fall down to my shoulders.

'Ooooh you're in trouble.' I drop to my knees as Madison's voice filers into my head. I grab some of the water from the creek and splash some on my face.

"I know Mads. Trust me I'm well aware of how much trouble I'm in." I say out loud to her even though she isn't really here. This feels like some sort of Charlie St. Cloud type of shit, but its helping. I hear her laugh and I grit my teeth. "It's really not funny."

'It is a little bit though because you hid and everything.'

"And busted my ass don't forget that." She hmphs then sucks her teeth.

'Serves you right tryna hide from mi madre. It's the same as hiding from your own mother, Ash.'

"Please lay the guilt on thicker feels nice. I thought I came here to talk to you to feel better?"

I hear her suck her teeth and I sit down, Indian style. It feels a little warmer than before and I chalk it up to the inner fire that Madison always had in her. She's close.

'You come here to talk to _me_. The me you know, so don't go making up who you know I'm not.'

I just nod as her sassy tone echoes through my mind. "So what do I do? What do I say to her? I've just been running this whole time Madison and I can't even imagine how she feels. I didn't even think of anyone else when I ran. How do I talk to her?"

'The same way you talk to me. There's a piece of me in you and she needs to see you more than you need to see her. Just go, I'm always with you. You don't have to be scared.'

I open my eyes and sigh. I don't know if I'm ready for this but I don't think I have much of a choice. I groan as I stand and get ready for this debacle of a reunion. I pace a boulder, as I try to buck up the courage to face a parent who lost their child. She comes to mind easily, I'm not sure if it's because I've been thinking about her a lot lately or if she's just the perfect candidate to talk to. It's possible that it's both.

I jog back to my car using this time as my cool down and I feel a lot better than when my mother told me earlier. Anxiety is still floating within me but I think after this talk with Spencer it'll finally subside. I sit in my car and scroll through all the missed calls from my mother. She's sent some texts as well but I don't bother to read them. I go to my recent calls and press her name. It doesn't ring for long and I can't help but wonder if she's this eager for any other caller. I hope not. Is that bad?

"Twice in one day. You better stop it or I might start thinking you actually like having me around."

I smirk. "We can't have that now, can we?"

"Most certainly not, I think we'll chalk it up to possible short term memory loss and you just think this is the first time we are speaking today."

My shoulders shake as a laugh echoes through my chest. "That sounds perfect."

We sit quietly for a couple of seconds and I hear noise in the background. She shushes someone and I quickly feel bad.

"I'm not interrupting anything am I?" All this time we've been spending together I forgot that she does have other people in her life. She's been so amazing at being there that I didn't think to realize that she was leaving others to be with me.

"No you're fine, just Chelsea being…Chelsea."

Meeting the dark skinned girl once and with her leaving the impression she left on me, that's all I need to understand the situation. She's being questioned on our status. What is our status? Is it anything, can it be? Especially with me leaving in a few weeks.

"I didn't mean to…" She cuts me off by saying my name in a tone that's authoritative. In that way that's warning me not to finish that sentence or I'm in trouble. I sigh and just let it go the best I can, even if I do feel a bit bad. "I just needed some advice, we don't have to meet up or anything we can just talk now if that's okay."

"No meeting up? Now you're short term memory loss is really kicking in because you don't realize that I haven't seen you in a really long time. It's probably best that we do because you may forget what I look like, we can't take that chance."

I smile widely at her exaggerated excuse to see me and I am eager to see her as well, possibly more.

"Tell Chelsea I'm sorry for stealing you…"

I hear a 'you better be' and I'm genuinely scared of this girl. I gulp grateful that there is a lot of distance between us so she can't see the terror in my eyes. I don't think all my army training could save me from Chelsea. I force out a fake laugh hoping that will restore the indestructible persona that Spencer thinks I have.

"Should we meet up at your place?" She asks and I'm a bit hesitant to say yes especially with my mom as hostile as she is. I feel like a kid again, despite that I am grown mothers have a way of instilling fear in their children. It's sad really.

"How about lunch, I still owe you a couple of meals. I can pick you up."

"Yeah I'd like that." She breaths out and I can hear the smile in her voice. I did that! That makes me smile.

"Good, I'll see you in a couple hours? Text me your address."

We reluctantly get off the line and I head home with Madison's mom on my mind but the worry I feel slips away as I look forward to my lunch with Spencer.

I drop my keys on the table by the door and tiredly climb the stairs.

"Ashley is that you!"

"No it's a figment of your imagination." I shout as I find new energy to race up to my bathroom and avoid my mother.

"Ashley!"

Her voice grows fainter the farther I get. I quickly strip off my sweaty clothes and jump into the shower. I let the water fall onto my head and run down my face. Both my hands fastened to the tiled wall keeping me upright. I yelp as I hear my door slam open and my mother shout my full name.

"Mom I'm in the shower!"

"Good so you can't run away." I growl annoyed with this situation I've been trapped in. "Ashley how could you not have seen her mother yet? You've seen Aiden's."

She's not yelling like she was earlier which is a welcomed change because I couldn't deal with it earlier. I explain to her how I saw Aiden's mother on accident. I wasn't trying to prolong my visits to my departed best friends' parents. I just wasn't ready but it's all being thrust upon me in one week so I'm going to have to take it one day at a time. At least I don't have to do it alone. She listens diligently and chimes in every so often with a grunt or a 'hmm'.

"So yeah I'm sorry I haven't seen her but I'm going today after my lunch with Spencer."

"Lunch with Spencer?" Intrigue laces her voice and I really just want to finish my shower.

"Mom, get out please." I say politely as I can with the rude request.

"Fine." She huffs out and I hear the door close. I mumble out a thank you and proceed with getting ready.

I finish up my shower and sneak into my room to get ready. Maybe I can escape without my mom seeing me again. I really don't feel like discussing this thing with Spencer with her right now. I know she's going to have a million questions. When I'm done getting dressed I grab my bag and open my bedroom door slowly so it won't make a sound. I turn to close it even slower. I head down the stairs. Maybe I will be able to do this. I creep down the stairs as stealthily as possible, when I reach the table in the foyer I grab my keys and turn to leave.

"Ah!" I scream as my mother stares at me. She's standing in front of the door giving me this creepy look. "When did you… how did you even…where did you come from?!" I settle on.

"Were you trying to sneak out without talking to me about your lunch date with Spencer?" She asks, quirking a brow.

I choke out a laugh, shaking my head. "No." I fiddle with my keys, avoiding her gaze. "But could you be any creepier right now?" I mirror her face.

"Don't try to change the subject." She gives me a stern face.

"I wasn't aware that we'd started a conversation about anything in particular." I shake my head and shrug, pursing my lips.

"Is something serious happening between the two of you Ashley, is there something I—"

"No mom." I cut her off, side stepping her to get to the door. "I'll see you later." I kiss her on the cheek before heading out the door.

I pull up to Spencer's house where she's waiting outside for me.

"Hey." She smiles as she climbs into my car.

"Hey." I return a smile. I don't know what it is about this girl but every time I see her I feel… freer; lighter. Like everything that has weighed me down in the past doesn't really matter anymore. There's no guilt or feelings of regret. With her I'm just… me.

"So where are we going?" She asks, buckling her seat belt.

"Another one of my favorite spots." I say as I put the car in drive.

"This place is cool." Spencer smiles, looking around the restaurant Eureka! Burger. It's one of my favorite places to eat.

"Madison, Aiden and I used to come here all the time." I smile as I watch a group of teenagers occupy the booth in the back we sat in. We came here most of the time during lunch break and pretty much every day after school, just for the milkshakes.

The mention of Madison reminds me why I asked Spencer here. I watch as the blonde across from takes in her surroundings, she's cute.

"Thanks for introducing me to all these great places."

I shrug nonchalantly. Truthfully if it were anyone else I might steer clear from any place that would give me the slightest remembrance of my friends. With her though I don't mind, and sharing the experience is even better than I always imagine it to be. She smiles and takes a sip of her drink. I've quickly gotten used to her enjoyment of food and have practiced to be as appreciative of it as she is.

"So what did you want to talk about?" She asks once she's done, setting her elbows on the table and resting her chin on her clasped hands. Straight to business with this one I see. I scratch my eyebrow as I think about how to start this conversation.

"Well remember the other day when you found me hiding behind the Lara Croft cut out." She breathes out a little laugh and fights her smile. I know she's trying to be serious for me but the situation was pretty ridiculous now that I think about it. "Yeah so I was hiding from Madison's mom." Spencer nods once as she takes in the bit of information. I take her silence as an opportunity to explain further. "So she didn't know I was in town. I've been meaning to go see her but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I've just been avoiding this and now it's caught up with me."

"How do you mean?"

She leans back in her chair and rests her arms on either armrest. The way her hair is falling over her shoulders adds to her beauty. I take her in and I have to will myself not to stare for too long. I see her cheeks rise slightly as she smiles at obvious interest. I shake myself out of it and come back to the conversation.

"Well my mom didn't know I hadn't gone to see either of my friend's parents and she bumped into Madison's mom…"

She cuts me off with a long 'oh' as she pieces the rest together. I lick my lips subconsciously as she leans forward again and the neck of her shirt drops a little. Ashley focus!

"Well I mean it sucks that she had to find out that way but you lost someone too. You have to face certain things on your own time."

"Yeah I get that, but given the situation I shouldn't stay away much longer."

"Right." She agrees. "So when do you plan on seeing her?"

"Today."

Her eyes shoot open in shock at my response. I really don't think staying away longer will be helpful. It's a rip off the band-aid situation this week. It just sucks all the band-aids are on the same giant wound.

"Wow, okay. Do you…you know, want me to come with you?"

"You don't have…"

She places a gentle hand on the one that I have lying lazily on the table. I look down and feel the warmth that is Spencer in the soft touch. I flip my hand over and we connect hands. I look her in the eyes.

"Do you want me to?" She stresses 'want' and I didn't even expect the desire of her presence to be there but once she offered it was definitely something that I wanted.

"Please."

She nods once and squeezes my hand. 'Okay' is all she says and I know that she won't be an overwhelming presence. She always seems to know what to do without really thinking about it. Her attentiveness is second nature and she's always tending to me I question what it is I do for her.

"So do you know what you're going to say?"

"Haven't the slightest. What do you say to a parent that loses their child?"

I see her glance away for a second and I think I made her think of her own parents. I hope that I didn't make her feel some type of way just now. That's the last thing I want to do is associate anything negative when it comes to our relationship…relationship?

"Well my parents…it's hard. I honestly don't even know, each parent handles it differently. My mom cried for what felt like months. I'm not entirely sure I was in a state myself where I could recognize time. We each went to counseling as a family and separately but once we slowly came to terms with it we started communicating again. The key is stop trying to act normal when the old normal is gone. You have to transform with the new and know that it's okay to talk about the person you lost. It's even better to listen when the other person wants to talk about them."

I look at her as she explains and she blushes a little. "You're amazing."

She bites her bottom lip and mumbles out a thank you. We are interrupted by the arrival of our food and once our plates are placed in front of us we get back to each other. Having heard the advice that she's given me I'm ready to move forward and enjoy my time with her.

After lunch we took a small walk around the shopping center it's located in. To Spencer it was a casual walk but I was really trying to prod her interest as we passed stores so I could see what a good gift for her would be. It helped a little as I narrowed down my decisions on what to buy her. Now we are sitting a block away from Madison's house in my car and I'm gripping my steering wheel trying to slow my heart rate down. I have to calm down because I know Madison is with me and so is Spencer.

"You can do this Ash. I'll be in the car the whole time if you need me."

"That's like human torture or something you can't sit in the car in this heat. You'll catch heat stroke or something." I rush out the words in one long sentence not really making sense but she understands because she's giggling.

"Okay I'll sit on the hood of the car or something. Or you can just crack the window open for me so I can get some air."

I snort and realize that her teasing is helping me calm down. I look at her and she smiles cheekily. I just nod and pull away from the curb that I parked by driving the last block and stopping in front of a house I haven't been to in years. We both exit the car and Spencer just leans against the closed door.

"You sure you're going to be okay out here? I could always take you home." I offer and she shakes her head no, pulling a pen and pocket sized notebook from her back pocket.

"I've got my writing to keep my company. Now go." She points at the house with the objects in her hand and I slowly make my way up the walkway to the front door.

My hands are shaking as I raise them to knock on the door. I'm not even sure if anyone is home. If no one answers after ten seconds of knocking I'm leaving. I knock softly and count to ten. Nothing. I turn and grab my chest.

"Ah!" What is it with people and doors and scaring me today! She raises her eyebrows and I sigh. I notice her hand reach up and ring the doorbell.

"Nice try." She says as she makes her way back to the car.

I watch her leave and I'm brought back to the sounds of the door unlocking. I take a deep breath and see an older version of Madison, only a few difference in features, open the door.

"Hi."


	10. What Hurts The Most

Thank you so much to everyone who takes the time to continuously review this story. It means the world. Also a thanks to everyone that has favorited and or followed this story. :)

ShardsOfRayne: Thank you. I'm happy you thought so. That's what I'm trying to do. I'm channeling all the emotions I went through when I lost my dad. Except I didn't find a place and talk to him. I wish I would have, maybe it would have made things easier.

DominoL: :)

L2GQ: ooooh I like that. Walls coming down and bridges being built. Amazing way to put that.

FufuTheFallenAngel: Lol aren't all moms like that on some level though? Uh oh... love me forever? I like the sound of that. Fiiine we're back to sharing again lol

Godlove: Thank you

ReaSoNs2Fall: Me and you both. I wish everyone could have someone like Spencer in their lives. The world would be a better place.

Annais81: K good. Spencer... flawless? I like the sound of that. Tell me more lol. Um.. I'm not sure. I had no particular person in mind when writing SPencer's character. I guess she's a just really a mix of different emotions that. I don't know how I come up with these things. Probably my muse... She's amazing. Ashley did feel something for Madison and it's explained further in this chapter.

NDFightingIrishFan: I don't think she can. She's in the army, she's made a commitment to the United States of America. I think the only thing she can do now is be honest about her feelings and honest with Spencer about leaving.

SONNOC: Wow you finally caught it. I think that's awesome that you sat down and wrote all those reviews after writing a chapter of your own story. It always means a lot when someone that I admire likes my work as well. It's like what! you like me? You really like me? lol inside joke. Eye of the tiger playing in the back ground huh? I can dig it. (Approving head nod and lip purse) can you see me doing that right now? No I didn't think about happy feet, damn you and your insane knowledge of movies. I mean seriously! I wasn't thinking break dancing though I was thinking wide stance side to side what the fuck are you doing right now Aiden penguin type dancing.

bookworm848: I can't thank you enough for your compliments. Can I ask which line it was that took you back? I really enjoy reading your reviews. Ahhhh I would die if they came close to me. I'm on the east coast no where near Cali lol. So east coast one would be amazing!

Tam24: Sent you a PM.

This chapter is dedicated to ShardsOfRayne, googoo4u and irishinkjunkie1024.

* * *

"Hi." I breathe out, my voice weak but I know she hears me.

I just stand in the doorway staring at the Mrs. Duarte. Her bottom lip is quivering as I scan her face to try and read the situation. The sound of my breath the only thing that echoes through my ears and before I know it I'm pulled into a tight hug.

"Ashley! My beautiful girl. It's so good to have you home." I smile into her shoulder as I wrap my arms around Maria. We stand there for a long time as she just squeezes tightly. I let her get it out as I try to match the strength of her embrace.

She pats my back and I know she's done with the first hug. She steps back, letting me go.

"Are you hungry? I can fix you something real, quick. Your favorite?" She asks as we walk further into the house. I look around at the same pictures of Madison that I passed by everyday when I came to see her and hang out. Her face is everywhere and my heart aches a little. How Maria passes these every day and manages to smile amazes me.

"No thank you." I reply softly. "I just ate."

She turns to a scans my body. I sigh and grin. I know she's not going to let up that easily.

"You're wasting away, they can't be feeding you well, you're a growing girl. I'll fry you up some platanos at least for you to munch on while we talk."

I press my very full belly and whimper a bit. I mumble out an okay and follow her into the kitchen. She points to a seat at the kitchen table and I silently oblige. I take what used to be my usual seat and scoot it under the table. I look at the empty one next to me and place my hand on the cushion. I run my hand smoothly over the fabric and sigh. It's Madison's seat. I'm not sure who the last person was to sit in it but to me it will always be hers.

I look at Maria as she digs into the fridge. She's been in there a long time for someone that's only making platanos.

"Maria por favor, you don't have to honestly." I tell her sweetly and get up from my seat. I swiftly rush to her side and guide her out from the fridge. I place my hand on her lower back and she backs out with a ton of things in her hands. "That's not only platanos." I tease and she comes out with all the ingredients necessary to make my favorite, pastelon. I shake my head and look at her. She turns to place everything on the counter. I make sure to move out of the way, she's on a mission but I wish she weren't I just want to sit with her and as bad as it sounds get this over with.

"Escuchame." I say with a light laugh. "I'm not hungry. I came to see you. Now you come sit with me and stop fiddling with all this food. I'll come back another time for dinner."

I think I said what she needed to hear. I think the food is to keep me here longer in case I don't come back. I think though if I can get through this, this one time, the next time won't be so hard. She grabs my face and kisses me on the cheek. I lightly pat her shoulder and escort her towards the table. She sits in the seat that I know to be hers and I take mine. I grab her hands and look her in the eyes.

"I'm sorry I took so long to see you…"

She shakes her head. "Don't apologize. I know this has been as hard on you as it has on me."

"I should have come sooner though." She shushes me, waving me off.

"I'm just glad you came at all." A small smile appears at her lips. "I've really missed you around here. It's been so quiet without the three of you running up and down the stairs to grab food, or Aiden chasing Madison around for something she called him." We both chuckle at the memory and sigh out of our laughter soon after.

"So how are you?" I ask after a moment. I don't have to clarify any further than that; she knows exactly what I'm asking.

"I've been hanging in there. It's always hard around this time. Janice, Roy and your mom and dad always stop in and we have dinner or something. Eddy and I probably wouldn't make it without them."

Why has my mom never told me about hanging out with the Dennison's and Duarte on the anniversary?

"I'm sorry that I—"

"Bastante." She cuts me off. "Stop apologizing. I know that if you could be here you would."

"I just feel like I should have been around more. I should have made more of an effort to see you and Mr. Duarte."

"You listen to me, feeling sorry and not doing anything does nothing for no one, because you came to see me you're already doing so much."

I don't mean to but I cry. I let my head down and I cry because for one this isn't supposed to happen. I'm not supposed to be crying especially not in front of her. I try to pull my hands away from hers and she grips tighter. She pulls me into a hug and I cry harder. This is the worst. I'm not supposed to be crying in front of a parent who lost their kid. I'm not supposed to be the one needing consoling when I haven't lost as much as she has.

"I'm so sorry M…" I choke out through the tears. She shushes me.

"I miss her every day but I grieved for my daughter so I can miss her properly instead of blame everything there could be to blame. That's not honoring her memory at all. When have you given yourself a chance to grieve?"

She lets me go to look into my tear filled eyes and I don't have to answer. She knows the answer and so do I. I've been running this whole time. I lean back in my seat and she gets up to grab me something to clean up my face. I sniffle and wipe my nose. I shake my head at the situation, this wasn't how things were supposed to go. I gather myself together and try to talk without bursting into a fit of tears. She comes back with a damp washcloth and I hold it against my eyes and attempt to control my breathing.

I don't talk right away. Mostly because I don't know what to say even if I did, how exactly do I say it? There's just so much I don't know how to do and I feel like I'm the only one putting pressure on myself to do it. Everyone else is just waiting for me to be and I feel like everything I do is inadequate. I come home but I'm distancing myself. I'm only here for a short while, I come to visit the parent of my friend for it to be some sort of resolve for someone and I end up being the one to break down. I start something with a person and I don't even know what it is. It's not even fair to her especially since she's been nothing but supportive even though she's gone through so much herself. I don't even ever ask her how she's doing. I'm so wrapped up in how I feel or don't feel that I completely disregard what everyone else is feeling.

I face Madison's mother and try to not to break under the gaze. I'm not sure what she expected when she saw me but I'm sure this isn't it. I shift in my seat and she's just smiling at me. I just breathe out a laugh at how this all turned out.

"It's good to see you mija."

I blush lightly at the fact that she just called me her daughter. She has done so before but it's been a while since I've heard her say it. I'll never replace Madison and I know she doesn't expect me to be but I can do the next best thing which is be here.

"You too. " I reply softly and she pats my shoulder.

"So tell me how you've been, how's everything going?"

She's asking me like Spencer asks me and I'm momentarily brought back to the blonde sitting on the hood of my car. I always seem to space when she floats into my mind. I'm usually very well focused but she's like my defibrillator. Jolting back emotions that I haven't felt since the person that sat in the seat next to mine was here.

I fall into conversation with her. Talk about all the traveling I've done and how long I've been home. I don't mean to but I end up mentioning Spencer. Like I said she's been on my mind and I can't really help it.

"So this girl, where is she now?" She asks in a sassy tone but not in a mean way, in a way Madison would ask.

I whimper because I don't even talk to my mom about this stuff, even though it's a heck of a lot easier to talk to someone other than my mother. I look everywhere that's not her and I know that she's waiting. The silence is killing me.

"She outside, waiting." I say softly. Maria smiles, narrowing her eyes at me.

"You like this young lady?" She questions, moving her head, forcing me to meet her gaze.

"I'm not sure." I shrug. "I think I might." I sigh, finally getting that off my chest feels good. Although I have only known Spencer a few weeks it still feels like something could happen, like something should happen. Things are so easy around Spencer. I feel… I feel like I can tell her anything and I know she would get what I'm feeling. She doesn't poke or prod me for information. She lets me come to things in my own time and she's been super amazing at just being there when I need her.

"It seems like you may know a little more than you're allowing yourself to think." Maria smiles, standing up from the table.

"I'm not gonna be here long." I shrug as she motions for me to join her in the living room. As we take a seat on the couch I flashback to the many times Aiden, Madison and I got in trouble for crawling and jumping on and over it. Maria would yell at us to sit down but we never listened. She'd smile, playfully threatening us before continuing her prior task.

"Have you told the young lady this?" I shake my head . A small smile plays at her lips, she looks as though she's in thought for a moment before she drops her gaze back to me. "Life is short Ashley. We of all people know this. Sometimes things that don't make sense can be the best things for us. It's better to tell people how you feel about them while you have the chance, you never know if you'll get to do it again." I narrow my eyes. I don't know why I feel like there is some sort of sub text behind her statement.

"I don't…" I pause shaking my head.

She cuts in before I can continue. "While you have the chance Ashley." She nods, placing a hand on my shoulder.

"Mrs. Duarte?" I say in an almost pleading tone. I feel like she's trying to tell me something right now.

She closes her eyes for a moment, sighing as she opens them back up. "Ashley." She says my name in a way that sends shivers down my spine. I feel like she's about to tell me the biggest secret anyone has ever told me. The soft smile that was on her lips disappears. "I never told you this because I knew that you were already going through so much with losing them and your mom told me that you blamed yourself and—"

"Maria, please." I beg her to stop beating around the bush. I need to know whatever she's about to say and I need to know it now. The look on her face tells me that she knows what I'm asking.

"Madison cared for you, Ashley." The soft smile reappears, as I stare at her intently.

"I know, and I cared—'

"No." Maria stops me, shaking her head. "She felt more for you than just friendship love." She says a little slower making sure I get it.

"No." I shake my head. This can't be right. Madison would have…. "She would have said something."

"She wanted to." Maria nods. "She was going to."

I stand up from the couch, continuing to shake my head. "No."

"I wasn't going to tell you mija, but I thought you deserved to know. I wasn't trying to—"

"No." I drop back to the couch. The realization that everything Maria is saying right now makes sense. Is this why she didn't know what to say to Aiden at the party?

"Before she went into surgery she told me—"

"Don't—" I beg Maria not to say what I know she's about to say.

"She told me that at the party she called to you and you kept walking. She said—"

"No." I cut her off again. No and don't are apparently the only two words in my vocabulary at the moment.

"She said that she was going to tell you then, she was gonna tell you that she didn't like Aiden, she couldn't like him because she was in love with you." Suddenly I'm finding it hard to breathe. I can't form coherent thoughts, let alone figure out something to say to Maria right now. "Ashley, she was always in love with you. She told me years ago."

"She never… I didn't… she…" See, nothing.

"I'm not trying to peel off old scabs Ashley, I'm just trying to show you that life is short and sometimes you just have to dive in head first even if you're not entirely sure how deep the water is." My brain is too fried right now to even try to understand exactly what Maria is trying to tell me.

"I need to go." I stand up quickly from the couch. I can't be here. Not in this house. Too many memories.

"Ashley I-"

"It was really good to see you, Maria." I hug her quickly and head towards the door before she can protest any further. I just need to go. This isn't exactly how I expected to leave things with Maria. I guess I expected some sort of closure, instead I got new wounds.

"How'd it go?" Spencer asks as I make my way to the car. Usually the smile she's sporting right now would be contagious, but I can't smile right now. I can't smile at her… at anyone. I was wrong. I was stupid. The person I heard shout my name that night was Madison. She was shouting to tell me to wait… to wait because she felt the same way as me. She didn't love him, she loved me. But I left. I let my anger and jealousy cloud my judgment and I got my friends killed because of it.

"I need to get home." I tell her simply in a monotone voice.

"Ashley is everything okay?" She asks confusion evident in her tone. No Spencer… right now nothing is okay.

"I forgot I had something to do later, that's all." I try to keep my face as neutral as possible because all I wanna do right now is curl up in a ball and die. Here I am doing this thing with Spencer… falling for her while all along Madison actually…

I shake the thoughts from my head.

"Ashley did you want to talk about what—"

"No." I cut her off, cranking up the car. "I'm just gonna take you home." I turn to look at her. My heart almost breaks in two. I know that my behavior right now is a bit erratic but so are my thoughts and feelings at the moment. "Did you want me to take you somewhere else?" I question.

"No." She shakes her head. "Home is good." She turns forward in her seat, buckling her seat belt. I feel bad because I know that I've probably hurt her feelings. She doesn't know what Madison's mom told me in there. She has no clue what's going on in my head and I feel like she's been so amazing that she deserves an explanation. Maybe I'll give her one… but it can't be now, no now I have somewhere to be. I put the car in drive and head towards Spencer's.

–

It didn't take me long to get here after dropping Spence off, even though this is almost on the other side of town. I shake the thoughts of Spencer out of my head as I make my way up the trail. My heart aches with each step. I balance myself on a tree momentarily, trying to slow down my breathing. This isn't how it was supposed to be. But then again, nothing really is.

After regaining my composure I continue back on my path, stomping up the trail now.

I'm mad.

No I'm pissed; pissed at myself and "Pissed at you!" I shout once I reach our spot. "Why didn't you tell me? You could have just told me Madison. Why didn't you tell me?!" I shout as I feel a stinging in my eyes and a pang in my chest. "What were you afraid of?! I loved you too!" I shake my head as the tears fall freely now. "I loved you so much!" I add, falling on my knees. "I loved you and I was afraid that you didn't feel the same way so I never told you. I was a coward and now you're gone. You're gone and I can't tell you. I can't tell you how mad I am at you for being a coward too! You were supposed to be the strong one, the fearless one! But no! You were a coward just like me!" I drop my head into my hands as I sob freely. "Why didn't you tell me?" I whisper as I feel a hand on my back. I jump, looking to see who it is.

"Sorry." Spencer holds her hands up.

"Spencer! What are you doing here?!" I question, picking myself up from the ground, wiping away the fallen tears. "Did you follow me?" I ask a bit more abrasive than intended.

"No." She shakes her head, not taking offense to the tone of my voice. "I promise I didn't. I figured you were coming here." She shrugs. "I wasn't try to—"

"Did you hear any of that?" I straighten out my clothes, using my shirt to clean my face.

"Bad habit." She says pointing to my shirt. "I heard a little." She nods stepping back a little as she fiddles with her hands. "I wasn't trying to eavesdrop it's just you were shouting and I came up here to make sure you were okay, but I didn't mean to like listen to anything or be in your business I honestly just wanted to—"

"It doesn't matter anyways." I pop my shoulders up once, sitting down on a boulder. If I didn't cut her off she would have rambled forever.

"What do you mean?" She comes and sits on a nearby boulder.

"She's gone." I start, feeling the tears building again. Gosh! I'm so sick of crying.

"Yeah but that doesn't mean she isn't listening." I sigh as another wave of tears fall. Please God, just stop this. "You're angry with her?" I turn to look at her, nodding. "Why?" She curls up Indian style on a boulder, waiting for my reply.

I shrug, avoiding her gaze as I wipe my face. No matter how much I wipe, the tears continue to fall. "For leaving me." I finally get out.

"I understand." She nods. "I was mad at Glen for months. But then I realized that being mad at him wouldn't bring him back; nothing would. I had to move past it. To forgive him for going and understand that maybe just maybe that better place that people speak of does exist and he's there… surfing an endless wave, watching over me." A small smile appears at her lips and I fight the urge to cry even harder. No matter what this girl has been through she always seems to find the right words. "You have to forgive her. It's the only way you can start to move forward." Spencer stands up from her boulder, walking over to me and kneeling down in front of me. "Tell her that you forgive her." She says grabbing my hands. I try halfheartedly to pull them away because I know another wave of tears will come soon and I'll need my hands to wipe them away.

"But I don't." I shake my head. Cause right now, with this new information I'm still pissed at her.

"Then tell her that. Tell her that so you can move towards forgiveness."

I shake my head, closing my eyes. I don't know if I'm ready for this. "I can't" I say weakly.

"You can." She nods, releasing one of my hands to lift my face to look at her. "You can do this, Ashley."

I sharply intake a breath trying to calm myself. I need to stop crying. I need to slow down my breathing to calm my racing heart. I stand up from my boulder with Spencer's help. I wipe the tears away, pulling together the courage to say what needs to be said. I know that I can't move forward until I face this. I was already having trouble before and now that Maria has put all this new information in my head I'm in some sort of information overload. I need to get it all out.

"I'm so mad at you." I say softly to the wind as Spencer steps back, giving me some space. "You left me. You left me to be here without you. Both of you!" I shout, including Aiden in this conversation because even though everything I'm feeling right now is based on the bombshell Maria just dropped on me, I'm mad at him too. "Did you ever think of how I wouldn't be able to live without the both of you? Your parents? You were so incredibly stupid!" I drop my head, choosing my next words carefully. "You should have just told me how you felt. Maybe if you did both of you would still be here. How could you not know I was in love with you Madison. How easy it was to love you." I see Spencer from the corner of my eye as she drops her head, trying not to hear this part. "I loved you from the moment I met you." I say softly, smiling a little at the memory of first meeting her. "But you're gone and I don't get to tell you. You'll never know and I think that's what's killing me the most; that you'll never fully grasp how much I loved you." I sit down on the ground, releasing a sigh. I close my eyes forcing myself to say the next words. "I forgive you. I forgive both of you." I can hear Spencer making her way over to me as the twigs crackle under her feet. She wordlessly sits down next to me, offering her presence as a comforting gesture. "I forgive you." I tell them again but mostly I'm telling myself. I'm trying to get it in my head that I have to forgive them, it's the only way.

"They know." Spencer whispers quietly next to me. I open my eyes and turn to look at her, staring into her eyes. Where did this girl come from? Who put her here? I allow my eyes to flutter shut again as I lay a head on her shoulder.

"I know." I whisper just as softly. "I can feel it."


	11. Heaven Sent

Can't get enough of you guys' amazing reviews. The next update might not come as quickly because I'm sick, been sick a couple days now but I wanted to get this chapter out for you guys.

Tam24: Lethal combination... yes lol. Were you or were you not upset about that pretty little liars season finale?

Godlove: Aw. I'm sorry I made you cry. I'm glad you liked it.

MADDY22: Here you go... I hope this chapter doesn't cause for a box of tissues.

DominoL: I'm sorry. Ahh I keep apologizing. I don't mean to make everyone cry.

punkerocker07: Thank you so much.

L2GQ: I think Spencer is definitely in it for the long haul. I'm not sure she'd still be around if she wasn't. Some people would run for the hills with all the emotional baggage Ashley has.

googoo4u: Thank you so much. I definitely believe that the losses I have suffered helped me through this chapter.

Annais81: Awww I feel so bad making everybody cry like that? Perfect? Flawless? Stop it you're making me blush lol. I can't tell you where exactly Spencer has come fro yet. My muse says thank you for thanking her lol.

NDFightingIrishFan: It's a okay. No worries. Nope, no discharge yet. I think she will definitely continue to move forward with her progress as long as Ashley sticks around.

ShardsOfRayne: Wow is a good word. :) You didn't see the Madison thing? I tried to put little subtle hints here and there. Lol I guess I did a good job at hiding it.

FufuTheFallenAngel: Aww ok I'm sorry for making you cry so damn me too. The Madison thing broke my heart too as I wrote it. I know, madison is so hard to not love. Especially in all my stories. Sigh... Spencer is a dream period haha.

son-lyn: I hate when things are rushed as well. It takes away from the character of the story. I think it's important for the readers to grow along with the characters.

ReaSoNs2Fall: Noooo I was not going to do that! I can't have that happening We need forward progress here.

dumle2209: Thank you for taking the time to let me know how much you're enjoying this story. It means so much to me to here that. You're welcome.

bookworm848: Lol 'how do you mean' that pulled you back into the show. Theres a chapter coming up soon that has a direct quote from the show, if you can figure it out... I think I'll love you forever. Spencer seems to always be there at the right moments, doesn't she? I think this conversation was essential to them moving forward together as well as for Ashley to come to terms with everything on her own.

SONNOC: Sent you a pm.

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_As the night air cools my skin, I take a deep breath trying to forget it all. Everything my eyes just witnessed. As I release a puff of air I kick the dirt underneath my feet. _

"_Dammit!" I shout to no one in particular. Why'd Aiden have to choose today to proclaim his love to her?! I can't be mad at him. He was able to do something that I couldn't. Still though, telling Madison you have feelings for her in that state...she deserves better than that. I can give her better than a drunken confession; I think as I stand in the driveway contemplating my next move. _

_I can't go back there. The air in their compared to out here is suffocating. Plus Aiden probably has his tongue down Madison's throat. That's what usually happens, I've seen it in all the teen movies; you confess your feelings to the girl you love you end up having a disgusting make out session. Don't get me wrong a make out session with Madison wouldn't be disgusting it's everyone else doing it and most especially Aiden with her that's nauseating. I grit my teeth as I fight off the anger I feel towards my male best friend. I just want to leave. I barely had anything to drink but I rode here with Madison and Aiden in Aiden's car. _

_I walk down the walkway towards the sidewalk. I live quite a distance from here but the walk sounds like the best way for me to calm down. Plus it'll keep me unreachable as I figure out how to react to my friends and their new status. I'm going to have to figure out how to be around them when they start acting more like a couple than my best friends. I groan as the reality of the situation becomes more inevitable. As I walk down the brightly lit sidewalks, I imagine how they'll be close and I'll be off to the side. I can't help the feeling of misery that sweeps over me. I've loved Madison for as long as I can remember. Practically the day we met I knew she would be trouble; trouble for me and trouble for my heart. My heart pangs with every step that I take. This has to be the worst feeling I've ever felt. Betrayed, disappointed, heartbroken and most of all defeated. I can't even talk to either of them about how I'm feeling, advice on how to get over this or how to steal Madison away from her new beau. _

_I drag my feet, scraping of the bottom of my shoes; the sounds are what I imagine the shredding of my heart to sound like. I can't get over this feeling and I don't know if I ever will. Everything is going to change and there's nothing I can do about it._

_I'm halfway home and my phone buzzes. I'm sure it's Aiden trying to tell me the great news but I'm not in the mood to hear it. I ignore the call and just keep walking. I think how I'm going to face them the next day or if I'm even going to see them. Will they be too busy with each other and forget all about me? How would I want Aiden to be if it were the other way around? I run my fingers through my hair and grip the roots wanting to pull my hair out in frustration. It's supposed to be me! _

_My phone goes off a second time but I ignore it again. I really can't handle any form of great news when it comes to those two and I know Aiden will go into detail about everything. That's just the kind of guy that he is. When you're not around he will make you feel as if you were there to witness it yourself. Yeah, no thanks. _

_I try to still my mind of all the possible scenarios and I am interrupted again by my phone. They're being so persistent so I pull my phone from my pocket and go to turn it off when I notice the name on the missed calls. Before I can call back the phone rings again. I answer quickly and am met with the cries and a forced statement. _

"_Mrs. Duarte what's going on?" My heart is racing. I don't know what's happening, hopefully she doesn't have bad news about Mr. Duarte and she wants me to deliver the news to Madison. I will if I have to but I never want her to associate me with bad news. At least she'll have Aiden to hold her if this is the case._

"_There's been an accident." She tells me through her sobs. _

_My heart drops. I'm trying not to piece the situation together. Hoping the possibility is as outrageous as it sounds. I pick up my pace not really sure where I'm rushing to. I turn the corner at the end of the block and am met with headlights of a car driving down the street. I close my eyes at the severity of the brightness, the alarm of the lights cause me to stop in the middle of the sidewalk. _

_The cries of Madison's mom are still in my ear as I hold the phone. _

"_Mija, you have to come quick. There's not much time." Her sobs garble her words but her words cut through me like ice. I don't want her to repeat herself. I can't handle her repeating herself. _

–

I squint at the streams of light coming through my blinds. I press my eyes as I wipe the sweat that streamed down from my forehead. I always sweat when I relive this memory through my nightmares. A nightmare that was more real than I'd care to remember. Seems my psyche doesn't care so much about my emotional strength, you'd think one body one goal but yeah, no, heart and mind aren't sound when it comes to Madison.

I sit up and rest my back against the headboard. My head pounds with all the information and the emotional hurdles I've jumped through and still have to go through. I look at my phone and notice that it's still really early in the morning. My body feels heavy and I know what I have to do. I roll out of bed and grab a change of clothes. I wash up real quick, splashing some water on my face. I move to quickly to run into my mother. I hear her rummaging through the kitchen and I just don't have the energy to get through a conversation with her. I quietly close the door behind me and start a fast walk as a warm up.

I think about the memory, my nightmare, and Maria's reveal of Madison's feelings for me. So many things to conquer in my mind and the frontrunner doesn't surprise me. I think of Spencer. Think of how she knew where to come, what to say, how to say it. I think about what she's been to me and I wonder why she has. I don't know why I met her now at this point in my life but I do know that I wouldn't have made it as far as I have if it weren't for her.

I pick up a steady rhythm as I begin to jog down the street. I blow out air and I let every emotion drop with each step I take. It's time for me to run towards something instead away from it. I missed my chance with Madison and even if she hadn't left this earth I might have still missed out. She never told me but that doesn't mean I couldn't. She was brave in the end and knowing that she loved me as much as I loved her means something. It's not fair that it couldn't have blossomed into something more. Being in the Army and having the history I have regarding my friends, Maria is right. Life's too short. Madison will always be my first love and no one can take away what we did share. I'll hold it in my heart but I won't let 'what ifs' suffocate my living.

I make a sharp turn and I pick up the pace. I don't keep track of my mileage, or the speed I'm going, I'm just focusing on getting to the end result. That's life for you and I realize that now. There will always be hills to climb, obstacles to jump over, blockades to dodge, and if I let those things stop me I'm hurting myself. I've hurt for four years I'm ready to heal.

I stop in front of the house and look up at the window I imagine is her room. I see a flash of blonde rush past the window and I try to make myself look as presentable as possible. I look at my state and come to think of it this is probably a bad idea. Yeah, yeah I know I talked about running away and not doing it anymore but I'm not running away I'm simply stepping off the track to freshen up.

I back away from the walkway I subconsciously walked up. I turn around and a tall man with shaggy brown hair is smiling widely behind me. He's carrying a large brown paper bag.

"Hello there."

I grab my chest in horror. Honestly for a soldier I really need to stop allowing people to frighten me so easily. His gray eyes are friendly and his scruff of a five o'clock shadow added to his character. I try to find my voice but a squeak comes out as I try to speak. He laughs.

"Are you here to see Spencer?"

He nods his head towards the house and I just turn to look at it like I've never seen what a house looked like before. I turn back to him my mouth still agape. What is wrong with me? Speak Ashley, speak!

"Uh…" Wow a syllable. Good for you. Dumbass. I just nod my head.

He breathes out a laugh and walks around me. "Do you like bagels?" He asks nonchalantly as he walks towards the front door. "Come on in."

I don't protest. I just follow him. Apparently I don't follow the stranger danger rules. I think I'm still a little stunned at his presence to comprehend what's happening exactly.

"I'm Arthur by the way."

"Uh…" Great I still don't know how to speak.

He just laughs and opens up the door. I follow him in and I really don't know where this sudden trust of a stranger came from. It's possible that Spencer's name triggered something. Spencer's name is my safe word so I feel inclined to follow this man who is probably her father. With Spencer I know things can be okay.

He closes the door behind me and hangs his keys on one of the hooks on the wall. I look around the hall and the house seems cozy, just like the blonde that lives here. A bark stops me from examining the rest of the house. Finally someone I know.

"I see you've met Doc." Arthur states as he rubs Doc's head. The Lab quickly passes by his owner and happily greets me. I bend down and let the dog curl into my body. It's probably a bad idea seeing as his shedding fur is sticking to my sweaty body.

"Hey Spence you back yet?" We hear no answer and I can only assume she's still at her spot. "She should be back soon, she's usually back by now would you like me to call her?"

I look at Doc hoping he'll help me provide an answer. He's just looking at me expectantly, much like Spencer's dad. I have no answer to give right now I need a miracle. There's clearly something wrong with me.

We hear the door unlocking and he smiles again. I'm sure there is relief behind that smile.

"Ah there she is. Hey sweetie." He greets his daughter once she's completely in the house.

"Hi dad." She says as she hangs her key up and places her surfboard against the wall behind the door. "Hi puppy!" She greets Doc quickly and I didn't think it were possible but her smile gets even larger when she sees me. "Ashley." I don't know why, but I'm sure I'm happier to see her than she is to see me.

"Oh so you're Ashley!" I'm a little startled at the volume of his voice once he recognizes who I am. "Nice to meet you, we've heard so much about you; my wife and I."

I'm still not speaking and Arthur looks from me to his daughter. He's probably silently asking her if I'm some kind of mute. The blonde giggles and walks over to connect our hands. My defibrillator brings me back to life and I jolt into conversation.

"Yes it's nice to meet you. I'm sorry I just…" He just shakes his head and winks at me.

"So bagel?" I want to decline but he's been kind enough to let me in so I just nod. "Great. Come in when you two are ready. Let's go Doc." The dog follows Arthur out diligently.

"Thanks dad." He grunts in response and leaves Spencer and I alone. I finally take in her appearance. She's wearing a tank with really low jean shorts and flip flops. Her hair is in a messy bun and she just stares at me with a smile. She wears disheveled really well.

"I'm sorry to just drop by like this."

"Not at all, I'm happy to see you." She points to the stairs and takes a seat. I sit on the step below hers. She leans against the wall and I lean against the banister.

"I'm sorry for yesterday. I just…"

"Ashley…" She places her hand on my shoulder and I want to grimace because I'm sweaty but the fact that she doesn't flinch makes my heart melt a bit. "You're apologizing unnecessarily. I get it, honestly I do."

I just shake my head. "Where'd you come from?" I ask honestly and she just laughs. "No seriously because I can't be this lucky to have found someone as amazing as you, as patient, sweet, smart, and beautiful."

She's taken aback by my change in persona. I haven't been this forward with my feelings towards her since the inception of them. She's always been the one doing all the work and I can't let it be that way. Not anymore, not when I'm running out of time. She blushes and looks away from me. I scoot up the one step so we're level and I take my hand in hers. Her blue eyes are boring into mine. I'm not entirely sure as to what I'm trying to say to her but I just let the words flow out. She's understood me so far I don't think she'll have trouble now.

"I like you Spencer." Her lip twitches as she decides whether or not to smile. "I don't know what I did to deserve you but I'd do it again if it means meeting you all over again. You've been so great with me even when you didn't have to be. You just embraced me in a way that I never thought anyone ever could. I just want to thank you and say I'm sorry for being so erratic with my feelings. I've just never really had to deal with my feelings like this, in this way."

She's taking in everything I have to say. She's being attentive. I feel heard, I feel safe, and most importantly I feel alive.

"Ashley everything you're telling me…I really appreciate. I like you too. I really do. I understand that you have to deal with things in your own way in your own time. I'm just treating you the way I want people to treat me. Honestly I'm just really glad you said something. You keep thanking me for being this person for you when you've been the same to me. After my brother and Carmen I didn't feel much. I still had the same outlook on life and tried to live each day to the fullest but once I met you and started tripping over my words I knew there was something about you that made me want to be around you. You're like the first intake of air after holding your breath for a really long time"

I bite my lip. "I have to go to dinner tomorrow night at Aiden's will you accompany me?"

"Like a date or are you trying to use this as an excuse to make up for the last meal you owe me."

I laugh feeling so much lighter than when I woke up this morning. I know it's more Spencer than it was my run.

"It's neither. I'd like you there if you want to come. I would however love to take you on a real date."

"I'd like that too." I mumble out a good. I stand up and hold my hand out for her to take. I pull her up and she falls into me a little. "Thanks."

"You were there to catch me, only right I do the same for you."

She just looks away slightly embarrassed and leads me towards the kitchen. I feel a little self conscious now because of the fact I just ran over eight miles and I'm not one to glisten, at least not after an eight mile run. Spencer feels me slow down and I look away from her for a second. She steps closer to me pressing her body against mine. I gulp and she pushes a sweaty strand of hair from my face.

"The bathroom is right here if you want to freshen up real fast? I know an impromptu breakfast wasn't something you had on the books…" She leads me towards a smaller door and opens it for me to show me a washroom. She walks in first and grabs me a washcloth. She hands it to me and I shake my head at the wonder that is Spencer. I lift my hand and gently pinch her chin.

"Thank you beautiful."

She blushes as she passes me, leaving me alone in the bathroom. She closes the door behind her and I look at myself in the mirror. She must think a lot of me because I need more than one washcloth.

I make sure not to stay inside the bathroom too long. I do the best I can to look decent. I give myself a once over and exit the bathroom. As I walk out I bump into someone.

"I'm so sorry." I say before looking up to see an older blonde. Her smile looks a lot like Spencer's but Spencer's eyes twinkle like her father's.

"You're fine." She says politely. "I'm Paula." She holds her hand out and I shake it firmly. "It's nice to finally meet you Ashley. We've heard a lot about you."

I tilt my head slightly and smile softly. I'm a mute again. She seems to understand and laughs lightly.

"Mom are you harassing my guest?" Spencer asks playfully as she comes out of the kitchen a half eaten banana in hand. Paula tuts and throws her hand in the air.

"I was just coming in from the garden to wash my hands for breakfast and we crashed into each other. Isn't that right Ashley?" She pops her eyebrows up once and looks at me as if I'm supposed to go with some sort of cover story when really that's all that happened.

"Uh yeah, that's what happened." I say very unconvincingly might I add. I smirk as I see Spencer playfully glare at her mother. She reaches for my hand and I grab it instinctively. I'm pulled away from Spencer's mother and I look back at the older blonde. She's smiling at us and I force one out. I'm sure it comes out awkward because well I'm the epitome of awkward. "Nice to meet you." I shout over my shoulder and she wiggles her garden covered fingers at me then disappears into the washroom.

I would normally feel uncomfortable about having breakfast with people I'm just meeting for the first time. It doesn't surprise me though that I'm not. Spencer makes things normal for me like she's always been the answer to the thing I've been trying to maintain. I fall into conversation with her father and we go over boot camp stories. I feel Spencer's eyes on me as I bond with her father as we share the commonality of the army. I take a quick glance at her, at least it's supposed to be quick but I end up staring at her sweetly. We all finish up breakfast and Spencer goes to walk me out as her parents finish up getting ready for work.

"Thanks so much for breakfast."

"Thank you for stopping by, you were a welcomed surprise." As we head towards the front door she grabs her keys.

"Did I keep you from going somewhere?" I ask, feeling guilty from keeping her from something. I seem to be good at that.

She furrows her brows in confusion, looking at me as if I have three heads. "You ran here did you not?"

"Yeah."

"You're crazy if you think I'm letting you run back. I'm gonna drive you come on."

"Spence you don't have to." I urge. "I can walk it's…" Her stern look orders me to shut my mouth and get into the car. I just nod and follow her out.

We drive the entire route I ran earlier that morning. We don't talk, we don't need to. The music on her radio plays softly and I'm resting my head against the seat one hand out the window the other one holding Spencer's hand loosely. We pull into my driveway and I see my dad getting his things into his truck. I wave at him and he lifts his head with a smile.

"Thanks so much for the ride." She smiles at me and leans over to kiss my cheek. Her lips feel so soft and I quickly want to know what it feels like to have her lips on mine.

"Anytime. Call me later?" I just nod as I open the door. I get out, close the door and watch as she backs out of the driveway. She honks her horn as she drives away and I wave.

"Morning dad." I say as I walk up to him and give him a kiss on the cheek.

"Morning honey. Interesting run?"

"That's saying the least." I quip as I pat his back and head into the house. I inhale deeply and smell that my mother is cooking breakfast and I feel a little bad that I already ate. It smells like French toast.

I enter the kitchen and see Ty eating a hearty batch of the sweet breakfast food and he greets me with a full mouth.

"Ty honey, swallow your food before you talk. Morning Ashley." She turns back to the stove as she flips another slice of bread."Can I make you something before I take your brother to school?"

"No thanks mom I already ate. " She looks at me confused because it's clear that I'm dressed and look like I just came back from a run. "I ran to Spencer's house this morning."

She looks at me and fights a smile. I sigh and realize that I'm not going to escape her questions forever. So I just give her the gist. "She's coming to dinner with me tomorrow night at the Dennison's and then we're going on a date. I like her she likes me but it's new so don't go freaking out okay?"

My mother takes the food off the stove and places it on a plate. She walks over to me and pulls me into a hug.

"As long as you're happy." She whispers lovingly and leaves it at that.

I wrap my arms around my mother and hug her tightly. I mumble out a thank you and she lets go. I look at my younger brother who is staring at me with a smirk. I glare at him and he giggles.

"Ashley's got a girlfriend." He sings out and I lift my fingers up starting to wiggle them, he shrieks and covers his mouth.

"That's what I thought." I see his eyes get smaller as he smiles, his hands still covering his mouth. I laugh and leave the kitchen in need of a serious shower.

As the water cascades down my body I can't help but think of the blonde that has so easily entered my heart while it was under lock and key. I smile, remembering the events of the morning, but that smile quickly fades when I realize something I've still failed to do…

I have to tell her that I only have three weeks left on my leave.


	12. Dinner With The Dennisons

I really wanted to do FoF but I'm not feeling well but I wanted to get this update out. I will pick it back up next update so let me know your thoughts on the chapter or anything else you'd like to discuss is cool too. :)

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I stare at the clock, knowing I have some place to be in less than an hour and I still have to pick up Spencer. I thought I was ready for this but I kind of feel like I'm not. I don't know… with Maria's revelation about Madison I guess I'm just a little scared of what may or may not happen tonight with the Dennisons. I know Aiden wasn't in love with me or anything but hey you never know what kind of secrets your friends could have kept from you. I sigh, grabbing my phone from the dresser.

I'm surprised when Spencer picks up on the first ring. We have barely talked these past couple of days. I've been sort of avoiding her. Well not really avoiding her, more so avoiding the inevitable conversation I have to have with her and soon. So I've been talking to her, but sparingly. "Are you outside because I don't see you?" I imagine her peeking out her window right now, looking for my car.

"No." I shake my head, standing from my bed. "I'm not. I can't do this Spencer." I tell her as I begin to pace the length of my room from my door to window.

"What do you mean you can't do this?"

"I mean I can't go. I haven't seen them since the funeral." I stop pacing, letting a ton of thoughts filter into my head. "What if Aiden has this big secret that he never told me too? What if he was like some kind of—"

"Ashley." Spencer lightly chuckles. Hey! This is not funny! I am genuinely freaking out here. "First of all I need you to calm down." I can hear the smile in her voice. "Listen to me, you can do this. If you could get through your friend Madison's mom telling you the things she did, you can get through anything do you hear me?" I take a deep breath attempting to calm my nerves, letting my eyes close. "Plus I'll be there." She adds softly. I can't help the smile that appears at my lips. I don't know why but that did the trick. Her telling me that she'd be there, knowing that… I feel a whole lot better.

"Thank you." I tell her as my eyes flutter open. "I'll be there in twenty minutes."

"Okay." We say our goodbyes and hang up. I grab my bag from the bed and head downstairs.

"Headed to the Dennisons?" My mom questions, turning around on the couch to look at me. Her, my dad and Tyler are watching a movie.

"Can I come?" Tyler asks, turning around on his knees as I answer my mom with a nod.

"Not this time buddy." I shake my head, walking over to ruffle his hair. "But how about you and I have a fun day together tomorrow?" I bend down to his level.

"Sure!" He shouts gleefully. "Can Spencer come?" He asks, the question bringing an instant smile to my face.

"Sure." I nod. "I'll see if Spencer can join us."

"Yay!" He shouts before turning around to watch his movie. I think they're watching frozen.

"See you guys later." I wave to my family, kissing my brother on his head, and my mom and dad on their cheeks. "Spencer and I are gonna go out after dinner so I'll be home late." I shout to no one in particular, but I guess for my mom's sanity because no matter how old I get I'll always be my mom's little girl.

"Can I just let it be known that I really like Spencer!" My mom shouts to my retreating figure.

"Of course you do mother." I roll my eyes playfully as I yell back into the house. I open the door, a smile appearing on my lips as I close it behind me because as hard as it was to admit a couple weeks ago, it's not so hard anymore. I really like Spencer too.

As Spencer and I pull up in front of the Dennison's I take a deep breath, preparing myself for what's about to happen.

"I'm here." Spencer says softly, putting a comforting hand on my back. I close my eyes, relishing her touch. I nod slowly as I put the car in park and pull the keys from the ignition.

"And I'm grateful for that." I say, turning to look at her. She turns from me as she blushes and smiles tenderly. "Come on." I unlock the doors, getting out and walking around to the passenger side to open the door for her. She accepts my hand to help her out of the car, closing the door behind her and we head up to the Dennison's front door. I knock softly, taking another deep breath. Spencer slips her hand in mine, squeezing it gently, reassuring me of her presence. An unnecessary gesture though. I know she's here. She's always here.

"Ashley hello." Mrs. Dennison answers the door with a smile. I watch as her eyes stray to Spencer. "And who might this be?" She holds out a hand for Spencer to shake.

"This is Spencer." I reply quickly as they shake hands.

"Well come in, come in girls." She waves us into the house. I let Spencer inside first and she sweetly keeps her hand in mine leading me into a house that she's never been in before. She's a lot braver than I. Taking part of this dinner when she barely knows the people. She's here because I asked her to be.

"Thank you for having us over." I say as she leads us further into the house. I hear Roy in the kitchen and I smile as he sings along to Jason Mraz's Butterfly, that's playing through the stereo. Janice giggles as she watches her husband dance around the kitchen. I pull my lips into my mouth as Roy does a spin and pulls Janice to dance along with him.

He lifts wiggles his brows at Spencer and I, we both giggle as his wife is swept into his arms.

"You have your own engaging style, and you've got the knack to vivify." He winks at us and whispers the next set of lyrics in her ear which Spencer and I are both grateful for. "Come on Ash grab your woman and get over here."

My woman? Spencer looks away for a minute clearly blushing extremely hard at the prospect of dancing with me. I don't normally do this but what the hell. I grab her hand pulling her close to me and we keep up with the beat easily. When the song slows down for a minute we sway side to side and she rests her cheek against mine. We don't have a lot of time to do the whole stare into each others eyes cutely before the tempo picks back up. I spin her around a couple times and pull her close to me again. The song changes and we stop. Roy and Janice are kissing each other sweetly and it's nice to see that they're still very much in love. A lot of couples when they lose a child it tears families apart. I'm glad that everyone I've been associated with new and old have found a way to remain strong. I admire them greatly. Especially the girl that's standing beside me.

"They're so cute." Spencer whispers into my ear. I feel a shiver run through me as her lips brush against the shell of my ear. I gulp down my nerves as I turn to face her and my nose brushes against her. She pulls back slightly and smirks. I mumble out a 'yeah' in agreement.

"Who's ready to eat?" Roy asks as he grabs a set of tongs from the drawer and points towards the deck. "We're having steak, right off the grill."

"Mmm, yum." Spencer says eagerly. He points the tongs at her.

"That's the reaction I'm looking for. You can be my sous-chef" Roy has always been super friendly even if he never met a person. It used to embarrass Aiden the older we got but I know that he really appreciated his father's enthusiasm for people and life.

Seeing everyone and expecting that I had to be all these things for people. It turns out I put all the pressure on myself. I only had to be here and nothing more. My presence is all they wanted. I'm not sure why I thought they'd want more. Why I thought they'd expected more.

Spencer joins Roy in the backyard and Janice comes around and wraps an arm around my shoulders. She gives me a gentle hug.

"It's so good to have you here sweetie."

"Sorry it took me so long."

"Better late than never." We share a soft smile and head out to join the rest of the dinner party.

An hour into dinner and things are going well. I'm not bursting into tears. I'm not hearing any confessions of reciprocated but never communicated feelings. Lastly I'm not feeling as if things are anything less than normal. Spencer and I are sitting together, across from the Dennisons and Roy is retelling a story of how he and Janice went kayaking in Puerto Rico last year and a frog incident occurred causing them to tip over.

Roy is laughing heartily as he imitates his wife and the shriek she released as the frog nestled comfortably in her hair. She covers her face embarrassed, Spencer and I are laughing lightly. Janice gets annoyed and starts to hit her husband with a napkin.

"Awful, you know that?" He lifts his shoulders and smiles at his wife.

Then turns to Spencer. "Spencer the sous chef do you mind helping me bring out dessert?"

She just nods once and looks over at me as she stands. She tells me she'll be right back and I don't know what comes over me but I place a soft kiss on the top of her hand. She smiles and disappears into the kitchen. I start to help Janice clean up.

"It's so good to see you so happy Ashley."

"Thank you…believe me it took a long time to get here."

"I don't doubt that. It's hard for parents but it's hard for siblings as well and Aiden always saw you as his sister; Roy and I as our daughter. I'm sure Maria said the same to you." I just blush and nod as we grab the plates and silverware. "We want for you what we wanted for our own children. I love seeing that smile again."

"She does that with ease." I say as we walk further into the house.

"You smile the way Aiden smiled when he looked at Madison." She says as she starts to wipe down the glass table with her napkin. I trip up and drop the knives. I apologize quickly and she dismisses the accident.

I gather everything and place them on the pile of plates. She continues the conversation as if I never made a mess at all. It's proving a bit difficult to hear.

"He was so smitten over her, did you know?"

I just shake my head no. I honestly didn't, at least not to the extent of love. I didn't know until the night he told her. She throws the napkin over her shoulder and grabs the glasses we drank from. My silence causes her to persist with a topic I was hoping wouldn't come up.

"He never said anything to me of course, but you know when your kids are developing feelings. At least he's with the one he loves now for eternity." She stands quiet for a minute while she thinks of her son. She exhales slowly and nods. "Well as I was saying I'm happy you found someone that makes you happy. You deserve it."

I whisper out a thanks and follow her into the house. We have dessert in the house, the change of scenery extremely welcomed on my part as the backyard now reminds me of the conversation I just had with Mrs. Dennison.

Aiden's with who he loved for all of eternity... with a girl that loved me. Is he better off not knowing how she felt? I found this new set of guilt because I know how she felt and he never will. He'll never know that the love he wanted was meant for me. All the things he wanted from her was reserved for me and he never knew the truth. He'll never know the truth. I'm barely there as we eat dessert. I laugh when I hear laughter but I let Roy and Janice do most of the talking and attempt to listen. I feel warmth in my hand and Spencer's bringing me back to reality. She's rescuing me from my masochistic thoughts and her eyes are melting the security walls I was attempting to put up because again I feel like this is all my fault.

"Thank you so much for dinner." She says reading my eyes, knowing that I'm ready to leave.

"Oh do you have to leave already?" Janice asks as she stands up along with us.

"Unfortunately." I say, Spencer's initiation of our departure giving me the courage to speak up. "I have to get Spencer back home and we still have one more stop to make before I do so."

"Well it was an extreme pleasure. Please do come again soon." Roy looks at me sternly and I slowly bow my head.

"Promise I won't disappear again."

Janice pulls me into a tight hug and Roy, Spencer. We switch hug partners then are led towards the front door. We share our thanks one last time before we exit the house.

"Thank you." I say in exasperation when I look at Spencer.

She just nods and laces our fingers together. "Want to talk about it?"

"Yeah." I say without a fight because this back and forth of emotions is exhausting and it'll only hinder any progress that can come.

I drive us to the pier and we walk hand in hand. The area is surprisingly almost empty given the nice weather. I tell Spencer what Janice told me in the backyard about Aiden and she's listening attentively like always and I'm falling for this girl with every word she soaks in. We stop and lean against the banister once we reach the end of the dock. She's looking at me and waiting for me to finish up the rest of what I'm feeling.

"I just don't know how to absorb all this guilt and come to terms with this secret."

"Why do you need to feel guilty?"

"Because she loved me and not him."

"Do you mind if I ask you a hard question?" I just nod though I am a bit nervous about what she's going to ask. "If they weren't gone and she told you how she felt would you not be with her to spare Aiden's feelings?"

My chest constricts at the thought. I look out to the water and contemplate. I breathe out my answer and I feel her hand on my back in support.

"It's alright that you said no Ashley, but the fact is that you had a choice depending on the circumstance but the circumstance changed before you were able to make that choice. You don't have to feel bad for choices that you didn't get to make. You have to give yourself the benefit of the doubt and know that if the situation were different you'd do what was right. Things happen and we control so little, you do the best you can with what's given to you. You don't have to feel guilty."

I look at her and her brows are raised slightly as she awaits my response to her words of wisdom. I say nothing though. I've talked enough. I take a step closer to her, placing my hand softly against her cheek. She buries it into my palm and exhales. I pull her closer to me, the task effortless as she leans forward.

I stare into her eyes, my mind flooding with thoughts. It's going to happen. The way my heart is pounding out of chest and the soft smile she's giving me is confirming it. I close my eyes briefly, taking a deep breath. I hear Spencer chuckle and I open my eyes. She nods her head and I know what she's telling me.

I tilt my head to the side and prepare for my first kiss. Not just with Spencer but with anyone I've had feelings for. Our lips touch and my mouth melts against hers as she kisses back. It's sweet and calm, just like the girl I'm kissing. I never thought I'd find someone that I could share this moment with.

I feel her grip my hips as she kisses harder, pressing her face closer to mine. I smile as I bring her body closer to mine. I wasn't aware that there was still space between us but now I'm sure there isn't.

We break apart reluctantly and I just lean my forehead against hers. We're both breathing heavily, puffs of air hit my lips as she stays close to me. I give her quick peck before stepping back. I'm not sure if I was any good or not. At least I wasn't until she solidifies my confidence.

"Wow."

I laugh a little because she totally stole my line.

"Yeah." Is all I manage to say. She giggles and comes closer to lean into me. "One more time?" I ask redundantly and she just grips my blouse and pulls me into her our lips colliding together without any damage.

I pull up in front of her house and we sit in the car for a minute. I don't want her to go and I hope she doesn't want me to leave. The thought of leaving her is starting to become physically painful. I have to tell her but I don't want to ruin our night though. It's a lose, lose situation regardless. The longer I wait the harder it'll be. The time I do want to tell her though are nights where our time together has been absolutely amazing.

"Thanks for coming again."

"Anything for you." She says with a shrug.

"Do you have plans tomorrow, pretty much all day?" I ask a little shyly because really I'm starting to think that she's blowing everyone off for me.

"Wow all day?" She asks with obvious excitement in her voice.

"Yeah, I'm taking Ty out and he wanted to see you and I was hoping to take you on that date that I promised you."

"Both of those sound extremely amazing, count me in."

"Are you sure?" She leans over the console and steals a kiss. I lay my hand on the back of her neck to keep her there because this is becoming my new addiction. Kissing her, feeling her in a way I've never felt anyone before. She feels wonderful.

"Positive." She answers against my lips before stealing another one. She groans as she pulls away. "If I don't get out this car right now, I'll stay attacking your lips all night."

"I'm sorry, what about that statement is supposed to make me tell you to get out?" She giggles and I stare at her. "I'm serious." I say with a laugh.

The laugh probably took away from my seriousness but I can't help but smile when I'm around her. She leans over one more time and kisses me again. I feel the bottom of my stomach start to warm up and I keep her there longer. I like the way this feels, my heart racing, this euphoria of how I feel about her consuming everything within me. I'm trying to show her that in my kiss and I think she's trying to show me the same thing. She bites my bottom lip and it pinches a bit but I like it. I run my tongue to graze her top lip and she moans. The pit of my stomach gets hotter and she pulls away.

"No seriously I have to go." She's breathing heavily. "Like you're setting my body on fire right now." She grips the handle, staring at me as if she's deciding whether or not she should actually leave. She scans my face and shakes her head. "Yeah no, goodnight!" She says in a rush and I laugh. I shout goodnight and watch as she walks towards her house. She throws a wave behind her and I smile.

As I put the car in drive and pull away from the curb I can't help but smile thinking about the girl that's done more for me then she'll ever know. She's opened my world; my heart and showed me what it's like to live again. This amazing girl… the one I'm one hundred percent sure I'm falling for.


	13. Say Something

Just wanna say thank you to each and everyone of you. You are all amazing, not only for taking the time to review and read this story but for supporting me in everything I've ever done. It means so much to me. Also a really big thanks to everyone that wished me well. I am feeling much better now. My muse did her awesomely awesome gf duties and got me well again. Another one of my favorite chapters. Hope you all enjoy. Aslo, the chapter title has no connection to the song by A Great Big World whatsoever lol. Just throwing that out there.

Godlove: Thank you so much!

IhEaRtSpAsHlEy: I'm happy you enjoyed it. I hope you love this chapter too. :)

Annais81: My muse did an amazing job at taking care of me. Happy sounds like it would have fit pretty well actually lol. Yes... the kiss... were you happy with it? Lol Spencer so amazing she seems like a mirage of some sort right? That's what I'm saying lol. I think it's the energizer bunny here. I hope you like this chapter too.

ShardsOfRayne: I know right freaking finally! That kiss was well over due lol. Aw thank you for saying I did it justice because I was a little worried about that. I was actually looking to start writing actual books. I'm happy to know I would have your support! :)

L2GQ: Thank you. I love that you review every single chapter. It brings a smile to my face. They are definitely growing together. Progress! Thank you for wishing me well too! :) I didn't get a chance to try the whiskey but next time I get sick, that's the first form of cough syrup I'm taking lol.

dani: Thank you for wishing me well. Being sick definitely sucked. They are the cutest ever right? Lol I love that you and I are on the same thought plane cause every time I write a scene with her running I have to stop and re read it lol. Good stuff I tell you. Children can definitely be creepy lol and tyler isn't helping their case. He's as smart as they come and even more adorable than that which makes it even more creepy. You can't chose whether or not you go back if you still have time left on your enlistment. Although, once your contracted years are up you can choose whether or not to re-enlist. Which we both know Ashley would be crazy to do and leave Spencer again.

bookworm848: I'm sorry, honestly I was trying to wait lol. I will be a good girl and just let you know before the chapter when you should look for the quote, is that fair? Or is that too easy and you like a challenge? I'm glad you enjoyed the kiss. It was especially hard to write because I knew that so much time had passed and everyone has been waiting on it so there was tons of pressure to make it just right. I hope I did it justice. Thank you so much for wishing me better. I feel great.

Degrassi1son: Thank you. :)

dumle2209: Aw no! No more crying guys! You're making me feel so terrible :( I'm glad you loved the update. I hope you like this one too. :)

DominoL: Those girls have that way about them. THey're the cutest.

googoo4u: Oooooh! You told Ashley! You're right though, she can't fully move forward with anyone until she allows herself to grieve and move forward from her past. She lost someone she really cared for and I think more than anything she's just upset with herself for not ever expressing how deeply she cared for Madison. But Spencer is allowing her to move on in a way that suits exactly what Ashley needs.

FufuTheFallenAngel: Warm hearts are always good... right? lol. I like it when you write a lot btw. ;)

gina32: Spencer has been a godsend hasn't she. The dancing was my fav. my gf inspired that. Yes! That kiss, I was jumping in my seat too. lol

ReaSoNs2Fall: Thank you so much!

a1721: Aw, thank you for bringing a smile to my face.

SONNOC: I PM'd you!

* * *

"Ready to go buddy?" I peek my head into my little brother's room. He pops his head out of the closet.

"Almost." He smiles and disappears back into his closet. I lean on the doorway and wait patiently. He jumps out seconds later and smooths out his shirt. "How do I look Ash?"

My little brother is sporting a designer t-shirt, pair of khaki shorts, and a pair of black and white chucks. He looks cute but seeing as he's not going for cute. I say the next best thing.

"Better than Justin Bieber bud!" He tosses his hair to the side and smirks.

"Obviously." He answers knowingly and I wink as I leave him to finish grooming himself. I head downstairs and find my mother not in the kitchen. Ha! Just kidding, she's always in there.

"Hey ma."

"Hey honey. How was your night last night?" She passes me a smoothie and I thank her.

"Wow mom getting right to the jugular. Not even going to give me a second to drink my breakfast." I tease her playfully and she tuts.

"I'm just asking, seeing as you look a lot happier this morning than most."

"I do not." I say as I try not to smile. I manage to stop for a second but then it shoots back up again. Damn you face for not sticking with me!

"Uh huh." Is all she says as she leans on the island waiting for me to say more.

"It was fine. Nothing crazy."

Do I mean nothing crazy like hot make out session with Spencer nothing crazy. Then yes nothing crazy.

"Did you have a lovely time with Spencer?" My mother says lovely in a way and I don't like it very much. I squint my eyes at her like I'm trying to read something that she's not saying.

"What are you insinuating here, mother?" I sip my smoothie making sure to make my slurp extra obnoxious.

She glares right back at me and her eyebrow twitches once. She's daring me to deny the chemistry between Spencer and I. How dare she act as if I'm hiding some monumental thing? Nothing monumental is happening besides the fact that I'm falling for this girl every second that I spend with her. It's the type of falling where you see something that has nothing to do with anything and you somehow relate it to that person you're smitten over.

For instance when I was running this morning, I saw a bird and I thought to myself I wonder if Spencer has a favorite bird and if she does which is it? Does she even like birds? Is she allergic to birds and if she is, does that mean she's allergic to down feathered jackets or pillows. Then I start thinking if she's allergic to down feathered pillows does that mean she has regular cotton stuffed pillows, and how many pillows would she have on her bed. Is she a throw pillow kind of girl or is she more of the bare necessities kind of girl and it went on like that the entire run.

My mother snaps her fingers in front of my face and I gently smack them away.

"Oh good you're with us."

I roll my eyes and take another sip of my breakfast. I wonder if Spencer likes smoothies. Dear God someone stop me.

"Yes mom I'm still here."

"So your night?"

"I already told you it was fine."

"Well Janice called me last night said she had a lovely time with you and Spencer, that you two were a cute couple."

Ugh old women and their gossip.

"Mom…leave it alone." I shout Tyler's name so he can hurry up and stop messing with his hair and save me.

"I would just like to know about what's going on in your life sweetheart there's so much you already don't tell me. So are you and Spencer a couple?"

"No! I don't know…No. Maybe. Ugh! Mom stop. We are just taking things slow, like going to the zoo together with Ty. We're just spending time together. When I figure it out and it's serious I'll send you a postcard telling you all about it."

"You don't dance with your maybe girlfriend's when you're here." My mother says in a sad tone. Really how on earth is that even a thing to be sad about?

"I'm sorry mom, next time Spencer's here we'll put on a two woman show for you, kay? Kay good. Ty let's go!" I shout with urgency, backing my way out of the kitchen. For the love of God boy come on! I sigh in relief when I see my little brother running down the stairs. "Bye mom!" I yell, grabbing Tyler and practically running out the door.

"This place is awesome." Ty stops, turning in a circle as he takes in his surroundings.

"It's only the entrance buddy." I chuckle at him. "How about we go look at some animals, yeah?"

"Sure." He nods and smiles wide. He skips a few steps ahead of Spencer and I as we follow closely behind.

"Thanks for inviting me out with you guys today." Spencer turns to me with a smile.

"Actually, this little guy invited you." I correct her, nodding my head in Ty's direction.

"Yup, all me!" Ty says in front of us.

"Well thank you." Spencer chuckles before turning back to me. "But you didn't have to ask me, so I'm glad you did." The tone of her voice is doing things to me right now. Or it might just be me remembering last night's events.

"It's my pleasure." I mirror her face as she easily slips her hand in mine and leans over to give me a chaste kiss. My eyes flutter shut at the feeling. I don't think I could ever tire of this feeling.

The kiss is over way too soon and I think I whimper. The giggle that escapes Spencer has to be the most adorable thing I've ever heard in my entire life.

"We always have later." She leans over and whispers in my ear. "And trust me, I want more." She adds before releasing my hand and jogging a bit to catch up with Ty. That meanie!

I smirk at my… hmph…um… my Spencer as we walk further into the zoo.

Well today has been amazing… for Ty and Spencer at least. He stole her! He stole my Spencer! And the fact that he's so freaking adorable with her kills everything in me that would normally pull her away to be with me.

After seeing all the lions, tigers and panda bears; we saw some penguins, elephants, and fed a ton of barn animals, during which I had a run in with a goat. Seriously! That goat attacked me. I think I was ready to go an hour ago, but Ty and Spencer are both having a blast still so that's all that matters.

The more we hang out the guiltier I'm feeling. I have to tell her that I'm set to leave in 20 days time. I'm not a hundred percent sure how she's going to take it and that's what's scaring me. But I'm being selfish. I love how she's making me feel; the fact that before her I felt nothing and now… now I feel everything. I've come leaps and bounds since I first got here and none of it would have been possible with her.

We sit down on a bench as we watch the woman discuss the giraffe habitat. Ty is in his own little world listening so I take this as my opportunity to tell her. I mean she rode here in my car so she can't really just get up and drive away.

"Spencer." I say softly. She turns to me with the most loving smile I think I've ever seen on her. My heart pangs. I close my eyes and sigh, when I open them her smile is gone.

"Ashley what's wrong?" She leans in and whispers.

The weight of the words I'm about to speak are too much. I don't know exactly how she'll take it and I really don't want to hurt her, not when she's been so amazing to me.

"Well, um." I clear my throat softly. Don't be a pussy Ashley! Just tell her!

"Ash look I'm feeding the giraffe." Spencer's gaze breaks from mine as we both focus our attention on Tyler. I smile, then pout as he calls Spencer over. She tells him to hold on and she's back on me.

"What's the matter?" Her hand grips my wrist softly and she pulls me a bit closer to her. I nibble on my bottom lip and contemplate if I should do this right now or wait. She sees that I'm having trouble deciding on what to say. Her hand drops mine and she gently caresses my face. "You can talk to me about anything you know that by now right?"

I just nod because I do know that, but that doesn't make the situation any easier. I nod towards my younger sibling and tell her to go. She hesitates but I lean in a kiss her softly and mumble the command against her lips a second time. I feel her smile before she turns to join Tyler. I watch the both of them realizing that leaving had never been this hard before. She's given me so much life and now I want to live it, but prior commitments have me in a bind. I'm more than positive that she'll understand, she doesn't seem like the overbearing, unreasonable type.

I sigh and drop my head, resting my arms on the banister between me and the giraffe cage. I look up at the animal and smile. "Got any advice for me?" I ask it playfully. It stares at me like it's looking into my soul. It never takes its eyes off me as it lowers its head to grab a tongue full of leaves and back up. It's freaking me out a bit and I turn away, I jolt a bit in surprise as I see that Spencer has returned. She's laughing at me.

"Don't worry I ask Doc for advice all the time but I mean a giraffe is a good choice too."

I shake my head and turn her around wrapping my arms around her and we slowly walk back over to Tyler.

"So what were you asking the giraffe advice about?" She asks me curiously and I'm almost honest with her.

"When I should tell you about leaving, you two look like you're having a blast and I don't want to ruin the day." See? Almost honest.

We end up staying at the zoo for another two hours. I never want to see another animal again. I'm all zooed out for a while and I'm just ready to be alone with Spencer. I pull up to her house and she turns around to say bye to my little brother. She looks at me and confirms our plans for tonight.

"See you at seven." I answer and she smiles. A quick kiss and she's out of the car. Tyler climbs over the console into the front seat and puts his seat belt on. He flashes me a smile because he knows I am not a fan of him up here. "I'm going to drive like mom if you sit up here."

"Cool more time for us to spend together." He jokes and put my car into drive taking my time to pull away from the curb. "So does she know yet?"

I steal a quick glance at him making sure to keep both eyes on the road. I'm pretty sure I'm going twenty in a forty. I really don't give a damn to be honest with you. My little brother is in the front seat and I'm just keeping him safe. It'd be better if he wasn't asking me such adult questions and causing me to hyperventilate. I say a quick no and check my rear view mirror. There's a line of cars starting to form behind me. They can go around.

"Why not?"

Oh the innocence of children. The simple question why, always produces such complicated answers. He has so much to learn in making things more complicated than they have to be.

"Because I don't want to make her sad."

"But won't you not telling her and you leaving make her more sad?"

Horns are starting to blow and the only thing breaking my concentration is Tyler's third degree.

"I don't know maybe."

"I think it will. I think that if I didn't find out and walked in your room one day and you were gone. That'd make me super sad."

Great. Hey guilt, long time no see. Oh what's that? You couldn't bear to be away from me anymore. Yeah well I wish I could say the same about you. I sigh in defeat. The little twerp got the best of me. I pull off to the side and seven cars zoom past me.

"I'm going to tell her." I start to explain. I'm not entirely sure why he is only seven and I don't have to make my life clear to a seven year old. Maybe though saying it out loud will make it clear to me. "I'm not going to disappear anymore Ty. I promise. I like her a lot."

"Like a lot a lot?" his brows raise as he awaits my answer.

"More than that." I say and he whispers out a 'wow' in astonishment. "Yeah. I know. So I will tell her it's just that sometimes we have so much fun together I don't want to ruin it. Like today at the zoo when you were feeding the giraffe and we told you we were leaving soon."

He giggles. "Yeah but then you let us stay even longer."

"Exactly because I knew leaving would make you and Spencer sad and I just wanted to make you happy. Make the both of you happy."

"Yeah but Ash even though we had to leave at least I know we could go back so it's not all bad. Maybe just promise Spencer that you'll be back so that way even if what you tell her makes her sad you can still make her happy."

I'm floored. I stare at him. Is this like a Benjamin Button situation where he's older than he looks or something? I shake my head as I sit straight in my seat.

"How on earth did you get so smart?" He doesn't answer he just laughs and I seriously think he's an evil genius. I shake my head and smile at my little brother.

"Get back in your booster seat buddy." I nod my head towards the back seat. He groans but does I say nonetheless.

"I'm too old for this thing." He whines as he buckles himself in.

"I agree, but it's the law buddy." I watch as he buckles his last strap in the rear view mirror, before putting the car in drive and heading home.

"How was the zoo, Ty?" My mom asks as we walk into the kitchen. Tyler climbs onto a stool, grabbing an apple from the bowl on the island.

"It was so awesome!" He shouts, full of enthusiasm. "Me and Spencer fed the donkeys and the goats and then Ashley got chased around by a baby goat." My little brother laughs, probably reliving the moment in his head. My mother's head snaps to me.

"Animals have never liked you baby, ever since you were a kid." She shakes her head and laughs.

"Ah." I tut and pout. "That's not true. Spencer's dog Doc loves me." I tell them matter of factly.

"Well that goat didn't." Ty chimes in, bursting into laughter again. Okay, I think I've had enough of this for today.

"I'm gonna go." I shake my head at my mom and little brother.

"Aw come on Ashley, we were just kidding. Stay and have treats with us." My mom begs, Ty joining in.

"No thanks." I hold my hands up. "I'll be back later tonight. I'm gonna take Spencer out later."

"Speaking of Spencer, when will I be seeing her again? Oh I know," My mother claps her hands together like she's just thought of the best idea in the world. "How about you invite Spencer over tomorrow and we'll spend the whole day together as a family." She suggests. I cringe at the thought. Do I really want Spencer spending an entire day with my family? "Oh fix your face Ashley, we're not that bad."

I choke out a laugh. "Yeah okay mom." She rolls her eyes, turning back to the stove to grab her apple pie, I'm assuming from the delightful smell that's filling the air. "Plus have you ever thought that maybe I just wanna spend time with my girlfriend alone before I have to get shipped overseas again." I scoff. I narrow my eyes as my mother turns quickly to look at me with wide eyes. "What?" I question as a smile appears on her face. "Mom, stop being creepy." I glance at my little brother and he's sporting the same smile as my mother. Seriously, what's going on right now? "Will the both of you stop being creepy and just—"

"You called Spencer your girlfriend." Tyler speaks up.

I did no such thing. I shake my head and scoff at my little brother. "You're hearing things bud." I grab an apple from the bowl on the island as my mother nods and smiles wider.

"You did." She confirms.

"I did not." I shake my head, looking back between my mom and brother as they both nod 'yes.' "No I didn't." I practically shout, dropping the apple back in the bowl. "You people are crazy, I'm out of here." I say then pretty much run out the house to my car.

–

I walk up the path, feeling like I haven't been here in forever. I sigh when I reach the creek we used to play in for hours upon hours.

"Hey guys." I greet my friends with a smile. I imagine Aiden chasing Madison and me with some creek creature he'd found, knowing the pair of us hated it. "I feel like it's been forever even though it's only been a couple of days." I say then look down at my hands.

"Love does that to you." A faint voice says. My head shoots up, looking around.

"Aiden?" I call to my friend. His voice sounded so real just now. Not like it was in my head at all. A slight breeze blows my hair at my shoulders and I flinch. "Aiden is that you?" I call again. I hear his laugh as I close my eyes. I've never felt him so close before, it's like he's right here next to me. "Aiden are you here?"

"I'm here." My eyes shoot open. That was Aidens voice. I know that voice anywhere. Seriously I'm getting really freaked out right now.

"I don't know what to say." I whisper softly. I don't know if this is my subconscious playing tricks on me right now but I don't care. My friend is here and he's talking to me. I feel him, I hear him and that's all that matters.

"Tell me about Spencer." I smile at the mention of her name.

"She's amazing." I breathe out, closing my eyes again as I picture her face. "She's funny and smart. Oh and she likes to write. She's been the most amazing ray of sunshine in my life for a long time."

"Not to mention she's really pretty." I can hear the smile in his voice.

"Isn't she?" I sigh, opening my eyes.

"How are you?" I ask stupidly. I shake my head at the sheer dumbness of that question.

"It's not a stupid question." He chuckles. "I'm good. You know just, hanging around."

"I miss you. Both of you." I tell him honestly as my heart constricts a bit.

"We know." I can see him nodding in my head. He walks closer to me, kneeling down in front of me. "We miss you too, Ashley. So much. But we want you to be happy, we want you to live your life and we're glad that Spencer is helping you do that."

"Speak for yourself." I hear Madison's voice and the tears I felt building now fall.

"Mads?" I question.

"Yeah I'm here."

"Stop it Madison and tell the girl you're happy for her." Aiden scolds our friend and I can't help but chuckle at them.

"I'm happy for you Ashley. I really am. Spencer seems like an amazing girl."

"Say it with a little more enthusiasm." I laugh sadly, wiping the tears from my face.

I can see her shrug, "That's the best I got." A smile appears at her lip and I swear I can see all this as though they're both right in front of me. "I'm happy you're happy Ashley, that's all I ever wanted, it's all I ever want. Spencer makes you so happy so I'm glad you found her." Madison nods and turns to Aiden.

"She's gotta go, Ashley." He looks at her then back to me.

"What why? No stay, both of you." I beg.

"I'll see you soon." She tells me then walks away until I can't see her anymore.

"Why'd she have to go?" I ask my friend, wiping the tears that continue to fall.

"Wanna know something funny." Aiden says, avoiding my question. I nod and he smiles a little. "I think I always knew she never loved me."

"She loved you." I tell him. He chokes out a laugh before shaking his head.

"She didn't. But that's okay. I've come to terms with it. She loved you, I think I always knew that." I narrow my eyes at him. "I'm more perceptive than you think. I guess I was just in denial or selfish." He shrugs. "One of the two."

"I'm sorry , I didn't mean for it to happen that way." I tell him honestly because as much as I loved Madison I'm not sure what I would have done if the time came for me to choose a relationship with her or a friendship with him.

"It's okay." He shakes his head, waving me off. "I know what you're thinking and I know you would have made the right decision." He smiles. "Speaking of right decisions, you wanna tell me why you haven't told Spencer you're leaving in 20 days yet?" He pops a brow, waiting for my answer. I stumble over my words and he just shakes his head chuckling at me. "You need to tell her Ashley, it's not fair for you to have kept her in the dark so long."

"I know, I know." I shake my head at myself. "But in my defense, I didn't expect to come home find someone that I want to spend every waking moment with. This was so unexpected."

"Most amazing gifts are." He smiles and I can't help but smile back. He looks behind him briefly before turning back to me. "I've got to go, Ash."

"No." I shake my head. "Please don't."

"Don't worry." He stands, smiling softly. "I'm always around." He leans down, kissing me on my forehead. "You're never alone, okay?" I sniffle, nodding my head. "Go, tell your girl before it's too late and she doesn't forgive you for the bombshell you're about to drop on her. And Ash…"

"Yeah?" I look up.

"Tell her I'm sorry okay?" I narrow my eyes, confused.

"Sorry for what?" He closes his eyes and as quickly as he appeared he's gone. "Aiden wait!" I shout. "Sorry for what?!" I open my eyes, looking around. There's no use, he's gone. I sigh dropping my head in my hands. I have no idea what that was but I know what I have to do now.

As I knock on her door, I gather myself. She's either gonna understand or completely hate me. And the latter is what scares me the most.

"Oh hello, Ashley." Mr. Carlin greets me. I look down to see Doc staring up at me expectantly.

"Hello Mr. Carlin." I give him a warm smile before bending down to rub behind Docs ears. "Hey boy, how you been?" He wags his tail and licks my face.

"He really likes you." Mr. Carlin chuckles, opening the door wider. "Come on in. I'll let Spencer know you're here."

"Thanks." I smile, glancing up at him. I rub Doc a little more before standing up, closing the door behind me. Mr. Carlin disappears into the kitchen and reappears with Spencer.

"Come on boy." He calls Doc as Spencer smiles, engulfing me in a hug.

"What are you doing here? I thought we were going out a little later." She kisses me sweetly and I can't help but feel guiltier.

"Can we talk?" I thumb towards the front door.

"Sure." Her smile fades a little as she shouts to her mom and dad that she's stepping out with me for a moment. Her mother yells a 'hello, Ashley.' I decide not to shout and opt to peek my head briefly into the kitchen to say a proper hello. "So… what's up?" Spencer asks a little timidly. I think she senses my mood right now. We take a seat on the curb as I try to figure out the best way to tell her this. Should I just rip off the band aid? "Ashley you're kinda freaking me out." Spencer says, pulling me from my thoughts. I nod and apologize.

"Well you know that I'm in the army and that well… we have times where we get to come home from tours and things like that. Of course you know, your dad was in the army." I shake my head at my rambling. "Well basically, what I'm trying to say is that I-"

"You're on leave and you're not gonna be here for much longer?" She pops a brow.

"Basically." I nod. "The thing is I didn't expect to come here and find someone. Honestly, I didn't come here to do anything." I glance down at my hands, finding them interesting at the moment. "I just… I promised my parent's that on my next leave I would visit and so I did and then I went to the graveyard and you were there and then I went to your party and we hit it off and I just, I don't know what happened. I started falling for you and I didn't know how to tell you that I was leaving because I didn't want you to be mad at me but then I realized that the longer I waited the more angry you would end up being with me, so I'm here now telling you because I don't want you to be mad at me. ." I tell her. I don't think I took one breath during that monologue. I look up to see Spencer smiling. I'm confused. I don't know what I said that was funny.

"Are you done?" She questions, smirking at me. I nod quickly. She turns to face me completely, taking my hands in hers. "Ashley, you're so cute." She says and I have to look away briefly to hide the blush. "I knew you were leaving. I mean, I didn't know but I kinda figured. You know, cause my dad was in the army and all when I was kid. I'm not upset with you and I definitely don't hate you. I'm so happy that you allowed me into your life even though you didn't plan on it. I thank God every day that you allowed yourself to open up to me." She moves impossibly closer. "I don't care that you have to leave, as long as you promise me that you leaving won't change anything. That we'll still be us." She looks at me, waiting for an answer.

I nod. "I promise." I can't help but smile because I honestly don't know how I got so lucky. "Where did you come from?" I question her as I pull her into a hug.

"Well when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much—"

I shriek out a laugh, lightly slapping her on the arm. "You know what I mean." I shake my head and continue to chuckle at her.

Her face turns serious as she says, "I ask myself the same question about you every day. You may think you've done nothing for me Ashley, that this relationship is one sided." She shakes her head. "You've done more for me than you will ever know." I smile and drop my head. She lifts my head by my chin. "You're so amazing." I try to drop my head again but Spencer's not having it. She leans in, kissing me sweetly. I whimper when she goes to pull away. She chuckles and reconnects our lips.

I'm not sure what I did to deserve this amazingly beautiful girl…but no amount of words could begin to tell you how happy I am that I have her.


	14. Green Grass And High Tides

Thank everyone so much for being awesome and reviewing and just well... being awesome lol. I love each and everyone one of you!

googoo4u: First off, thanks for always calling my updates amazing. :) Spencer is the most amazing girlfriend in the world and I think the two of them together are just magic, wouldn't you agree? I figured you would be the first to figure it out lol. But thanks for not giving it away. I appreciate that.. Ty is awesome lol.

NDFIghtingIrishFan: I think Tyler is the most popular character in this story lol. He's talked about in every chapter haha. I will definitely reveal that in a couple chapters. Not going to keep you guys waiting too long.

bookworm848: So the fact that you love a challenge, does that mean I'm not going to tell you the chapter that has the quote? Lol. Just to clarify... AH! I know the scene you're talking about and yeah, that just brought me back there too, now that you mention it. They are super adorable!

Godlove: Thank you. :)

DominoL: Aren't they though! ;)

L2GQ: I will reveal it soon enough hehe. I like that I have you guys thinking though. :)

FufuTheFallenAngel: TYLER is indeed a CYBORG lol. Don't get anxious about Aiden's comment. I promise to reveal it super soon! Yes, I like when you write a lot I understand though that you can't because I have a lot of fans that English isn't there first language. It's cool!

Annais81: My gf is actually the one that told me to tell you guys that the song and the title had no semblance. lol smart woman that girl! I will definitely tell you guys in the next couple of chapters the reasoning behind Aiden's apology. I'm happy you think the story is getting better and better... I hope the end result blows your mind if it doesn't then I didn't do my job. :)

a1721: Chemistry is definitely important. I think if a relationship doesn't have chemistry then it won't last very long and I don't even mean sexual chemistry. Just chemistry in general.

gina32: She definitely is but when you do find someone like her, you should never let them go. Trust me... Thanks I thought that part was funny too. I feel like it's so hard to write humor in such an emotional story but I'm glad you liked it.

ReaSoNs2Fall: Thank you. That explanation is coming up real soon.

Degrassi1son: lol. Um.. no it's cool. I thought about making it go that way if I'm being honest, but then I looked at the character that has been built within the last 13 chapters and I said to myself... there's no way this person would get mad. She'd understand and see the bright side of it cause that's just the type of person she is.

* * *

I smile as each foot hits the pavement. I never expected my trip home to be so… amazing. I've reconnected with everyone in my life that matters and it's all thanks to a certain blonde.

As the cool morning air hits my skin it takes me back to yesterday, the whole 'Aiden and Madison' thing. I still don't know what Aiden meant when he told me to apologize to Spencer for him. What'd he do to her? I shake the thoughts from my head as I turn down my street, finishing up my fifth mile. After Spencer and I talked last night we headed for a late dinner and then a walk. I don't think I've ever felt so… complete.

My heart is so full of love, a feeling I thought I'd never feel again; a welcomed feeling though. I slow down as I approach my front door, jogging in place for a moment before going inside.

"Well good morning, Ashley." My mother greets me at the door with a bottle of water. Creepy much?

"Hey mom." I reply, taking the bottle of water from her hand and taking a big gulp. "How'd you know I was back?" I pop a brow as I twist the cap back on the bottle.

"I heard you coming." She shrugs and turns around to head back into the kitchen.

I scrunch my face. What the hell does that mean? "What am I, an elephant?"

My mother chuckles, throwing a hand up. "I didn't mean it like that. I just meant a mother can always sense the presence of their child." I stare at her with raised brows. She rolls her eyes, "I was sitting at the table and saw you running up to the house."

I nod once. "Mhm." I grab a plum from the fruit bowl and turn to head upstairs. "Spencer and I are gonna spend the day at the beach so we can't really make it to your full day of Davies fun." I tell her, trying to muster up as much fake regret as I can.

"Oooh the beach! Sounds good." She nods, turning around to grab something from the cabinet. What? No!

"I wasn't really inviting you guys mom. Didn't we have this discussion yesterday?" I ask in a tone that causes her to turn around and look at me.

"Yes." She nods then scoffs. "But I didn't think you were serious." She lightly chuckles. I keep my face as serious as possible to let her know I wasn't kidding. "Oh Ashley be serious." She waves me off. "We're not as bad as you make us out to be." She rolls her eyes and turns back to the cabinet.

"You're right mom." I sigh in defeat. I don't want to hurt my mom's feelings. "You guys aren't that bad, but I'd like to spend the day with Spencer alone if that's okay?" I ask, like she really has a choice in the matter.

"Okay honey, whatever you say." She replies, not bothering to turn around.

"Okay." I mumble to myself before turning and leaving to head up and shower.

I don't think a shower has ever felt so good. I get dressed, text Spencer to let her know I'm on the way before heading down stairs to grab something quick to eat from the kitchen because the plum I had did absolutely nothing for my hunger.

"Ashley." My little brother greets me with a hug. I smile down at him, taking in his outfit.

"What's up buddy? Where you headed?" I question.

"To the beach." He says cutely. Wait what?

"Mom!" I shout a bit angrily because I know what she's doing. She's using my little brother to get what she wants right now.

"Yes dear?" She appears in the kitchen with my dad close on her heels. Oh that innocent look is not gonna work on me Christine.

"Mom I thought we discussed this."

"Morning sweetie." My dad kisses my cheek. I smile at him then turn back angrily to my mother.

"We did." She nods. "And we're not going to bother you guys. I just decided that it's a really nice day out and we shouldn't spend it inside." I roll my eyes. Yeah right mom!

"Christine what are you doing?" My dad asks her, looking back between the two of us.

"Nothing Raife." She says sweetly to my dad, putting on her best innocent smile.

"She's hijacking my date dad!" I shout, pointing an accusatory finger at her.

"Oh don't be so dramatic Ashley. I'm doing nothing of the sort. I'm simply trying to enjoy a day at the beach with my family." She shrugs.

"Oh yeah right mom." I shake my head at her.

"Ashley dear we don't have to go if you're uncomfortable with it." My dad says. I scan the faces of all my family members. Oh that sneaky sneaky woman. This was her plan all along! I sigh, dropping my shoulder in defeat.

"No, it's fine dad. I'll just meet you guys there."

"Yay!" Ty shouts, running over and hugging my waist.

"Kay, see you later sweetheart." He kisses me on the forehead. I give my mother an intense stare before I turn and leave.

–

"I'm really sorry about this Spencer." I roll my eyes as I park the car. I explained to Spencer on the way here that it would no longer be just us. She took it really well actually. She says that she loves my family and that she's honored to be able to spend the day with us; that when I leave she wants to visit and hang with them often anyways.

See! She's perfect right.

"It's really okay, Ash." She smiles, grabbing my hand. I turn to look at her. "I don't know how many times I have to tell you that. I'm happy to be anywhere with you, even if I have to share you with your family." I shake my head.

"More like I'm gonna have to share you." I scoff and roll my eyes.

"It's not gonna be that bad." She places a soft kiss on the back of my hand and I can't help but smile. "Come on." She instructs me and I comply quickly. We both get out of the car and move towards the trunk. She pulls out her board and then a spare that she lent me.

I'm not entirely sure why I agreed to this it's not like some kind of contact sport that will allow me to have her on me. Like basketball or cheer-leading or something along the lines of her hands being on my body, or her body being very close to mine. She's going to be on her own board floating away from me. To make things even better my family will be observing the goings-on between me and Spencer.

We both carry our own boards, wetsuits hanging around our waits. Flip flops are hitting the bottom of our feet with every step we take and I'm brought back to the memory she told me about the morning we had coffee. That was only several days ago but it feels like so much time has passed. I see my family has already arrived and I try to distract Spencer so she won't see them, but my little brother has shouted for our attention. Very rarely do I dislike my little brother but in this moment he's not my favorite little person.

We reach the three of them and Spencer digs her surfboard in the sand and I'm looking kind of helpless. She does it with such ease and every time I try I have to have quick hands and grab it before it falls over. She giggles and comes to my aid.

"Here let me help." She slams it in the sand and my mother is the first to say something.

"I didn't know you could surf Spencer?"

I'm not sure why my mother would know so many details about Spencer but okay. I try not to have a sour face while she tells my mother the history behind her love of surfing. My dad and Tyler are just watching the exchange and absorbing the awesomeness that is Spencer.

"So I'm teaching Ashley here to surf." She turns to me and my scowl easily turns into a smile. Oh she's good this one.

My mother snorts and I glare at her. Why is she snorting?

"My daughter is not a friend of the ocean."

I grit my teeth and force out the word "mother" begging her to stop embarrassing me. She's going tell the story I know she is.

"Ever since she was a little girl she didn't like that the ocean came up and touched you. Every time she went close to the water she'd scream that the water was chasing her and run away."

"For the love of…Ma!"

Tyler falls back laughing and I glare at him. He shrieks and urges my dad to go with him to dig a hole by the shore. He better run.

"That's so cute." Spencer comments sincerely, rubbing my arm. I blush and look away from her for a moment. The gentle squeeze she gives me causes me to turn back to her.

"Thanks." I whisper not really fond of the memory. I'm not scared anymore…at least not much. The ocean is a dangerous place.

"See it's cute, which was what I was going for. Thank you Spencer." My mother chimes in cheerfully. I grunt and point to the boards.

"So should we do this thing?"

"Yes but first we need to wax the boards." Spencer grabs the bag she carried from the car along with our boards. She drops her board flat in the sand. I manage dropping the board without even trying so at least I've got that down packed. I mimic Spencer's motions and look down as she kneels beside her board and starts showing me how to wax it. Her back flexes with every move she makes and I know I don't need to say it but I think it's necessary that I point it out; she's got a hot ass body.

She tosses her hair up to look at me and makes sure that I understand just how to do the task. I stop drooling for a moment to tell her. "I was too busy staring at you to follow what you were doing."

She smirks and I bite my lip as my eyes scan her body. I hear my mother clear her throat as we try to imagine things you like to imagine if there wasn't a chaperone. I whip my head to look at my mother.

"No one invited you ma." I say plainly and she quirks a brow at me. I feel a gentle tap on my leg and look down at Spencer.

"Be nice." She says playfully.

"Yeah, listen to your girlfriend and be nice to your mother."

My eyes shoot wide as I watch Spencer stare at me for a minute and see what I say about the girlfriend comment. I just drop into the sand and kneel next to her.

"Only because Spencer told me to, I'll be nice." I answer as I wax my board. We share a smile and finish off the work before the fun begins.

–

Okay I was wrong this is not fun.

"Spence I'm gonna die out here." She giggles as I struggle to get back on my board. It slips out of my hands and pops out of the water landing close to me. I want to cry. "Shouldn't I have started paddling in the sand or something?"

"That doesn't work." She answers as she paddles closer to me.

"It works in all the movies." I answer with a whimper and finally manage to get onto the board as Spencer holds it place.

"Do you really believe everything you see in the movies?" She asks once I'm fully situated on the board.

"Yes." I answer in a faux serious tone. She snorts and points behind me.

"Shark."

I whip so fast I fall off my board. She throws her head back in laughter. I pop out of the water and splash her.

"Spencer Carlin that was not funny."

"I'm just reenacting Jaws." She says through her fit and I lift myself onto the surf board for what feels like the twenty millionth time. Spencer pulls my board close to hers. "I'm sorry, you're just cute."

I grunt and lift my head in mock anger. She skillfully leans towards me and manages to steal a kiss. I don't fight her for much longer and kiss her back. She pulls back and smiles.

"I'm glad you're not the kind of girlfriend to stay mad over little things." She winks at me and this is the first time she's mentioned the 'g' word since my mother said it. She nods her head in the direction behind me. "That's all you babe, get it."

She turns her board around and lays on it. I follow every movement as if my life depended on it. We've been out here for at least an hour and I've managed to drink more salt water than to surf it. We are both looking behind us timing the water and Spencer tells me to start paddling and I start. I dig my hands in the water like I'm trying to separate every particle from each other. I hear my girlfriend shout for me to stand and I grip the sides of the board, pop myself and slowly stand up. I keep my legs in the stance she's shown me and I feel that my level is a bit higher than the flat surface of water. I smile widely as I stay up for the duration of the wave. The wave breaks and I'm still standing. Spencer cheers for me in the distance and I feel a rush of pride surge through me. I turn the board around and paddle my way back to her.

"You were awesome!"

I giggle as I pull up next to her. "I have a great teacher." I tell honestly. She shrugs and her face turns serious for a moment. "You okay? Did I say something that upset you?"

She just shakes her head and sniffles a bit.

"It's just been a while since I've been out here with someone, and I'm just glad it's you."

I realize the last person she must've surfed with was her brother. This time I pull her to me and kiss her softly.

"Thank you for sharing this with me." She just nods and I lean forward again. I'm a little too sure of myself at this point, thinking I'm this debonair on the board, then reality hits me as I slip off and land in the water. I resurface and she's laughing. I seek refuge as I hold onto her board for support and she leans down and kisses me. I bury my hand in her hair and we stay like that for a while. We drift amongst the waves, getting lost in each other as we get lost out to sea.

We all gather around the small campfire my dad built in the sand making s'mores; after watching the sun set. Spencer is in between my legs with a blanket over us. I watch as my little brother burns another marshmallow. He likes it to a crisps, he says it gives the s'more a smoky flavor. Spencer is munching away happily on her treat and I look around at my family. They weren't as bad as I expected, though my mother did have a few stories I wish Spencer never but if those didn't scare her off I guess it's safe to assume that she's not going anywhere. I pull her closer into my body and she snuggles into me. I can't help the smile that shoots across my face. I look at my mother and she's staring at us. She doesn't notice that I notice her but it's sweet to see her happy. It'll give her some peace when I leave again. She won't have to worry about me not coming back; especially since there's so much more to come back to this time than when I left the first time.

As the night comes to a close, my family and Spencer gathered around the fire, I close my eyes soaking it all in. Tyler falling asleep on dads lap, my mom's head leaning on his shoulder as Spencer snuggles closer to me. The breeze coming off the ocean feels nice. I look up and catch my moms eyes, hoping she can read between the lines. A small smile appears at her lips, she nods subtly before whispering something in my dads ear.

He stands, lifting Tyler up with him. "Well, we're gonna head out. This little guy has school in the morning."

"Aw, okay." Spencer stands, hugging both my mother and father as best as she can with Tyler making the task a bit difficult. "It was really fun hanging out with you guys today." Spencer smiles brightly at my family.

"It was our pleasure." My mom leans and hugs Spencer again, this time kissing her on the cheek. "We hope to see you again really soon." My mom says looking around Spencer to me. I playfully roll my eyes.

"Of course you will." Spencer answers quickly

"Good." My mother walks over and hugs me, "She really is a lovely girl Ashley." She whispers in my ear before her and my father head towards the car with a sleeping Tyler.

"I officially love your family." Spencer walks over to me, wrapping her arms around my neck. I snake my arms around her waist, pulling her closer to me.

"I think it's safe to say the feeling is mutual." I smile before closing the distance between us. I've missed having her lips on mine. It's been sort of difficult with my mom, dad and little brother watching us all day.

"I'm sorry you were at the beach didn't get to go to your spot today and watch the sunset, we were here and you didn't even-"

"I watched it." She shrugs, smiling. "I watched it with people I really care about and that's all that matters." I can't help but return the smile. Spencer does have a way with words.

"You really are amazing you know that don't you?" I ask as lean my forehead against hers. She just smiles, giving me an Eskimo kiss. "Do you want to go?" I ask softly and she doesn't hesitate to delay our departure.

"No can we just sit here a few minutes longer?" She drops down into the sand as she asks, like I would ever say no to this girl.

I position myself behind her again. She naturally leans back against my chest. Usually my mind is reeling with thoughts, memories, and scenarios. But right now, in this moment I choose not to get lost in my head. I want to get lost in this moment so that when I need to revert back to my memories this will be one I can't forget. This will be one where I relish in my happiness with my girlfriend who I never expected to enter into my life. She's everything I never thought to ask for and she's all mine.


	15. Angel Of Mine

Okay so let me just start this off by saying the next couple chapters are my absolute fav ugh. I think every chapter from here on out are just... they were so incredible to write. What I need from you guys is to read really fast so I can post really fast lol. Okay on to the FoF.

L2GQ: Sigh... I live on the east coast. Not many beaches near me, but yes it sounds good lol.

Guestyguest: Love the name btw lol. I'm super excited that you get happy when I post cause I write for my fans enjoyment so it means a lot to know that you're liking it. :)

son-lyn- No no no no, lol on't get worried. I wasn't trying to do the whole calm before the storm thing.

cOmPeLLeDbyLoVE: Thank you so much!

IhEaRtSpAsHlEy: I love youuuuuu! lol :)

Guest: I forgive you. lol. Why thank you so much for your support it means the world to me seriously! I was thinking of turning this one here into a book but I'll have to see how much you guys like it once it's played out completely. Ashley and Spencer are adorable.

DonminoL: I know right!

NDFightingIsrishFan: It's important that she has that relationship with them I think for when Ashley leaves. Christine is a sneaky sneaky woman right?! I don't think anyone wants Ashley to leave. Especially me. :(

Godlove: Thank you. :)

FufuTheFallenAngel: Oh you can say it! That's where we're all hoping this goes lol. I was amazed at the amount o different people from all over enjoy my writings. (^_^)

Annais81: Wow this hasn't to be your longest review to me ever. It brought a smile to my face. You and a couple other people seem to think that it's the calm before the storm and honestly that's not what I was trying to make you guys think lol. I just wanted a really cute chapter. I'm really happy that people like what I write because I put a lot into my writing and I like to know you guys' thoughts on it and what you do and don't like about it so I can improve as a writer. Are you talking about my gf in the last paragraph? Lol cause if so yes she is smart girl and I love her very much. I see how much you love those 'ness words too haha.

a1721: Aw, I smiled so much at this review. You guys really know what to say to make me smile.

gina32: Ugh they are really hot right! Ashley's family loves Spencer which is so awesome and not always the case with every family lol.

bookworm848: Okay then... no hints lol. Um... that's another one that I didn't realize was in there. I haven't seen the show in a few years you seem to have a great memory of it though. I really hope you guess the quote but no that wasn't it lol.

dumle2209: I swear I thought I remembered replying to you in the last FoF. I'm like what is she talking about she didn't miss a chapter, I seriously had to go back and check lol. Well anyways, I'm glad that you enjoyed the fact that you had two chapters to read when you finally were able to check them out. The zoo part was awesome I loved that whole scene. Christine is a sneaky sneaky woman but I think that's what I love about her in this story. Her love for her daughter and wanting Ashley to be happy. OK, thank goodness so now I don't feel soooo bad that I'm making everyone all sad and whatnot.

SONNOC: Where the heck did you go again lol. I let you catch up and then what?! You get slack on me?

Tam24: Hey friend, what happened to you? :(

Shardsofrayne: Sorry I'm posting before you get a chance to review. This chapter is again dedicated to you!

* * *

I knock on the door of Spencer's house and rub the back of my neck as I patiently wait for it to be answered. I still get a bit anxious whenever I get to see the blonde. It's not a bad anxious more so an anticipation to see her. I try my best not to countdown to the day I leave and every second I spend with Spencer it feels as if time stops. As I wait I hear someone behind me clear their throat. I slowly turn around and my heart stops as I see Spencer's friend Chelsea. She has her arms crossed over her chest, her head slightly titled to the side and her lips pursed. I'm scared.

"Well, well, well."

I look around hoping that if something were to happen someone will see; but no one is around. That's just awesome.

"Hi." I say timidly. I want to turn around and knock again but I can't look scared in front of my girlfriend's best friend. I don't want to seem intimidated, even if I am, but only slightly.

"Come to steal my best friend again?" She asks seriously but I laugh softly. I can't help it because I'm not forcing Spencer to do anything she doesn't want to do.

"I don't mean to steal her. She's kind of hard not to want." I smirk softly because I want Spencer more than I'm admitting. Chelsea gives me a long 'mhm' and takes a step closer to me. I want to back up but there's a closed door behind me. I start to wonder where Spencer is. She does know I'm here, I sent her a message. I wonder if she's just staring from the window enjoying this little show down I'm having with the girl in front of me.

"You know I'm watching you right?" She asks pointing a finger. I clear my throat again and nod.

"Yes I do. I took what you told me seriously the first night I met you guys. Now that we're together it's my duty to not hurt the girl who's stolen my heart."

I stare her down and she reads my eyes trying to see how serious I am. I let her examine me and she just nods once. I think I'm in the clear. She reaches behind me and rings the bell. I don't know why I didn't think of that. I probably wouldn't be subjected to this situation but I'm sure it was bound to happen sooner or later.

I move over so Chelsea can stand on the porch as well and we both wait patiently. The door swings open and it's Carmen that answers it. What the hell?

My eyes go wide, my mind is spinning with questions but I have to act first; jumping quickly in front of the hurdling body next to me to prevent Carmen's face getting beat in. I only know what Spencer has told me of the situation between her and Carmen but I know that Chelsea doesn't like her and right now her presence here is pissing Chelsea off.

I grab her very light body and hold her back. She's swinging her arms trying to get to the Latina but I block her attacks, while still holding her. I don't know if it's all the army training I have or what but I'm keeping Chelsea at bay right now even though I'd like nothing more than to let her go crazy on Carmen.

Seriously what is she even doing here?

Spencer comes up behind her ex and gently pushes through the doorway making sure to avoid her friend's vicious swings. She's throwing all kinds of threats the girl's way and I'm smirking at how feisty she is.

"Thanks for seeing me again." Carmen says politely but borderline cocky and jumps back as I loosen my grip on Chelsea. Yeah! Keep your words to yourself and don't ever speak to my girlfriend again or I'll release Chelsea on you. I connect eyes with Spencer, asking her to please explain this situation with me. She looks away though, turning her attention to her friend; asking her to please let Carmen through. I pull Chelsea off the porch so Carmen can pass, Chelsea yelling a few obscenities.

"Chelsea, can Ashley let you go now without you chasing after Carmen?" Chelsea nods, rolling her eyes. Spencer looks and me and nods once and I let Chelsea go. She straightens out her clothes and walks over to her best friend.

"What the hell was that piece of shit doing here?" Chelsea questions her friend. I think I'd like to know the answer to this question too. I turn to face the pair, waiting for Spencer to come up with an answer...any answer. She scratches the back of her neck, glancing down at the ground before looking back to me. What the hell is so hard about this question? Why was the girl that you told off a little over a month ago in your house with you?

"Can I have a minute with Ashley alone?" Chelsea sighs and wordlessly walks into the house. I watch as Spencer makes her way over to me. My brain is reeling. I'm not sure what to think right now. Spencer reaches out to grab me and on instinct I step back. She gives me a confused look. I don't know where that came from. I think I'm angry with her right now. "It wasn't what you think, Ashley." She tries. I shake my head. She has no idea what's going on in my head right now.

"She was here... in your house." I say weakly. This is what I was afraid of... giving myself... opening myself up to someone. It makes you vulnerable. Susceptible to pain. God knows I don't need anymore pain in my life.

"She just came over to apologize, I didn't even-"

"She's apologized before. You told her off. Why is this time different?" I question seriously, because I wanna know.

"I don't know." She shrugs. "Ashley it's not like it meant anything she just—"

"She was here. Do you want to like get back with her or something?"

"No." Spencer shakes her head quickly. "Not even a little bit. Ashley I want to be with you. I don't know what's going on in your head right now but I assure you you're overreacting."

"I'm overreacting?!" I half shout. She steps towards me and I step back once again. I can't have her touch me right now cause I need my head to stop being so cloudy and when she touches me everything gets foggy. "I just witnessed your ex girlfriend walk out of her house. Are your parent's here?" I look around for their cars.

She shakes her head, shrugging he shoulders. "No, but-"

"So the two of you were alone?" I force out a laugh and shake my head. "I need to go."

"Ashley." She holds out a hand, trying to stop me. "Seriously are we doing this right now?"

"I guess so." I shrug. I turn and head to my car. I can hear her chasing after me. She runs and stops in front of me, impeding my progress.

"Ashley you are not leaving me like this. You're getting angry about something that means nothing." She explains, stopping me from walking by putting a hand to my chest.

"It means something to me." I stop trying to push my way past her. "You knew that I was coming over-"

"She just stopped by, I didn't even know she was coming." She shakes her head.

"That's not the point. You could have told her to get lost or at least texted me and let me know what I'd be coming over to." We both stop our movements, she's staring at me; I'm assuming trying to figure out what to say.

"You're right." She nods. "I'm sorry that I didn't tell you she was here and I'm sorry that you feel like I disrespected you or that I was trying to hide something from you because I wasn't. She came over and begged me to hear her out. I was just thinking that in order to move forward with you, I needed to put that part of my life to rest. And that's what I was doing. I was getting closure." My heart pangs as Spencer continues to explain herself. I feel so selfish. She was doing something she needed to do in order to move forward with her life, the exact same thing I've been doing the past month and she's been so patient with me but she does one thing and I freak out.

"No I'm sorry."I shake my head as I pull her into a hug. "You've been amazing and I shouldn't have freaked out. I don't know..." I shrug as I step back. "I guess seeing you with her made me think that maybe she was going to-"

"Never." Spencer smiles, shaking her head. "She means nothing to me, Ashley. I promise." Her lips curl up into a smile and we're right back to the way we were. My heart swells as I pull her closer to me, kissing her sweetly. "I have to admit..." Spencer starts, pulling back to look at my face. "Jealous you is pretty sexy." She wiggles her eye brows and I can't help but chuckle at her.

"Yeah I bet." I shake my head and kiss her again.

"So are you coming inside or are you still storming away?" She quirks a brow, sporting a smirk.

I roll my eyes. "I'm coming in. I wanna see you try to explain this to Chelsea."

She sighs and shakes her head. "Ugh! Chelsea is not going to be as understanding as you." I laugh as I lace our fingers together.

"Don't I know it."

I sit on the couch and watch as Spencer's friend angrily paces back and forth. She's asking questions and answering, I'm not really sure why she even asks them if Spencer isn't the one that's supposed to answer. I'm sitting on the couch—away from my girlfriend—because I would distract her from the rebuking she was giving Spencer. Doc is sitting diligently by his master's side.

"I told you time and time again not to let her near you."

"I know…" My girlfriend says quietly and I'm just watching this in complete agreement with Chelsea. Doc apparently feels a bit responsible because he whimpers in response.

"You know how she can get under your skin. Yet she's in your house! I'm just looking out for you Spence!"

She's smiling softly and I know she's appreciating her very protective friend. Chelsea stops pacing and looks at me. I quirk a brow wondering what she's going to say to me, she's smirking and I take a quick glance at my girlfriend.

"So how you plan on communicating with my girl while you're back fighting the good fight?" Everyone's gaze is on me, even Doc's. All of them are staring at me expectantly.

I clear my throat and buck up because lately I've been a little bit of scaredy cat if I'm putting it lightly. My antsy behavior isn't adding credit to the soldier I know I am.

"Well…" I start off confidently. "I'd Skype her every chance I can. Staying connected to her will be a priority. Distance means nothing to me as long as she knows that I will always be there for her then I know I've done my job as her girlfriend. She has me without any effort but it will take a great deal of it to make me go away."

I continually get the third degree from this girl but that's okay. I understand that Spencer is precious to her but I tell her like it is because I'm growing tired of her threatening glares. Also I'm tired of the small bit of intimidation that I'm allowing her to have on me. I stand up and take move a little closer to Chelsea.

"No one will care for Spencer more than I. She's done a great deal for me and even if she hadn't she's stolen every emotion that I can muster up. You can glare, threaten and do what you must but just so you know I'm more scared of losing her than I am of you."

Her lip twitches and I know she wants to smile. She holds it back though and there's a miniature amount of tension in the air. It's clear Spencer is easy to love but the fight to prove who cares for her more, I will always make sure I come out on top.

–

After spending a few hours with Spencer and Chelsea I decided to grab some Ice cream from McConnell's Fine Ice Cream for Tyler before heading home.

"Double chocolate chip, with whipped cream and extra cherries in a cup please." I tell the lady behind the counter, she gives me a smile and heads off to make my order.

"Funny seeing you here." I roll my eyes, recognizing the voice.

"Not really." I say as I spin around to face the Latina.

She shrugs and smirks, "You have to admit, it's a little funny."

"Listen Carmen." I smirk, moving closer to the brunette. "I don't know you, and I frankly don't care to know you. I think you're a piece of trash that messed up and broke Spencer's heart so really you're probably the dumbest piece of crap I know." I try to keep my words as PG as possible since this is a family place and I have a reputation to uphold.

"Here you are ma'am." I turn back around to the counter, pay the cashier and take Tyler's Ice Cream, giving the woman a friendly smile before heading out the door.

"She's never gonna forget me you know." I roll my eyes, realizing I'm being followed. "I will always be her first. Her first kiss, her first love, her first time." She stresses time, forcing me to understand what she's getting at. I groan, turning around. She nearly runs into me.

"I don't care." I spit out my words, hoping she can fully comprehend what I'm trying to tell her. "You may have had Spencer first, but I'm gonna have her from now until forever, thanks for keeping her company until I came along though." I pat her on her head with a smirk. She smacks my hand away and I decide I've wasted enough time on this chick.

"She let me in this time, she's gonna let me in again. Trust me. When you're gone she's gonna get lonely and I'll be the first person she-" Yeah, she didn't get to finish that sentence. Before I can realize what I'm doing Carmen is on the ground holding her face. I punched her. "You fucking bitch." She snaps, blood oozing from her lip.

"Don't you ever talk about Spencer like that." I point a finger at her. "Next time I'll do more than hit you." I turn quickly, getting into my car and driving home. That wasn't the best thing I've ever done seeing as though I'm in the army and hitting a civilian can get me in a hell of a lot of trouble with my CO, but no one talks about my girlfriend like that.

–

"Hey ma." I greet my mother as I enter the house.

"Ashley Davies, what were you thinking?" My mother practically stomps over to me.

"Huh?" I question. "Ty come here buddy!" I shout up to my brother because there's no doubt he's in his room playing video games. First thing he does when he gets out of school everyday.

"I just got off the phone with Jackie who heard from Gina that heard from Rachel that you punched a girl outside of McConnell's fifteen minutes ago."

Say what? How in the hell did all those people talk in the fifteen minutes it took me to get home? "It's fine ma. I'm handling it." I assure her as my little brother runs down the stairs. "Here bud, I got you some ice cream." I hand him the cup of ice cream. He shouts gleefully and runs back up the stairs.

"Not too much before dinner, Tyler!" My mother shouts up after him. We hear him groan and shut his door. My mother turns back to me, "How exactly do you have this handled?" She questions, popping a brow.

"Don't worry about it mom, seriously." I wave her off as I try to ascend the stairs to go to my room.

"No Ashley. You don't get to walk away that easily. Did you stop to think about the consequences of your actions? What if this young lady presses charges? And what on God's earth would posses you to punch someone in the first place?" My mother gives me a confused look.

"She was talking bad about Spencer." I reply quickly. My mother sighs, shaking her head.

"No matter the case Ashley, you can't go around punching people. Not if you wanna stay out of jail and in the army for the little time you have left, you understand?" I nod, because I know my mother is right. Punching Carmen was stupid and reckless. "Go get washed up, dinner will be ready soon." She shoos me up the stairs. I nod and head up to my room.

I sigh as I shut my door, flopping down on the bed. I hear the door bell ring but I don't pay it any mind as I think about all the trouble I could get into if Carmen decides to press charges.

I grab my phone out of my pocket and text Spencer. _'I did something stupid.'_ I type and wait for her to reply. I lay back on my bed, waiting for her response.

"You sure did."I sit up and see Spencer standing in my doorway. I scrunch my brows in confusion. "Your mom let me in." She comes in and sits down on my bed.

"How'd you-"

"Carmen called me."

"Oh." Is all I say.

"I talked her out her pressing charges, Ashley. What were you thinking, you can't just go around punching people."

"You sound like my mother." I groan, laying back.

"Well she's right." Spencer lays down next to me. "You could have really gotten in trouble, I'm not sure how the army works or anything like that cause my dad never really talked about that stuff, but I figure fighting is pretty frowned upon."

"She was talking bad about you." I turn to look at her. "I didn't like what she was saying." I shrug, taking my bottom lip between my teeth. A small smile appears at her lips.

"Still, it wasn't right for-"

"When it comes to being right and protecting you, even if that just means protecting your character... I'll be wrong every time." I explain. The small smile she was sporting turning into a full out grin. She stares at me, not saying a word. "What?" I question my girlfriend.

"Nothing." She shrugs, staring at me. "I just think you're adorable."

"Stop it." I drop my head into the bed. I'm pretty sure I'm blushing. Spencer pulls my head, forcing me to look at her.

"I'm just speaking the truth." She leans forward, kissing me sweetly. Ugh! This girl gets more perfect every second.

"So will you be joining us for dinner, Spencer?" My mother clears her throat from the door, I groan as Spencer pulls back to answer her. Aw she looks a bit embarrassed we got caught.

"Um, yes ma'am if you'll have me."

"Of course." My mother smiles, staring at us.

"You can go now mom." I say, getting up from the bed. I have to physically remove my mother from my room.

"Dinner will be ready soon!" She shouts through the door. I lock it for good measure.

"Sorry about that." I shake my head, making my way back over to the bed.

"I love your mother." Spencer chuckles. I cringe as I sit down next to her.

"Could you not talk about loving my mother when I'm about to kiss you." I tell her, climbing on her, as she leans back on the bed with me straddling her. "It's messed up that you told me you love my mother before you love me." I smile down at my girlfriend before I reconnect our lips, yup I just decided, punching Carmen was definitely worth it_. _

Spencer looks up at me, breaking the kiss.

"What is it?" I question, the serious look on her face making me a bit uneasy.

She swallows thickly, the gesture causing me to roll off of her. She sits up, turning completely to look at me.

"I think that I am..." She says softly and I stare at her confused.

"You are what?"

She closes her eyes briefly, looking down at her hands then back up to me. "Falling... you know." She swallows again. "In love with you." My eyes go wide briefly, caught off guard by the revelation. I don't know what to say. Do I tell her the truth? Tell her what's going on in my head? "It's fine if you don't feel the same." She adds quickly. "I know that you've been through a lot these past years and it's not easy to-"

"No." I cut her off, placing a hand on her knee. "I do." I nod, a small smile creeping to my lips. "I'm falling in love with you too." She smiles brightly, obviously happy with my response. I pull her into a hug, she pulls her head back, kissing me a little harder than she's ever kissed me before. We fall back against the bed; lying on our sides we become lost in each other. She grips my hips and my body starts to tingle as she slips her hand under the back of my shirt. I moan and this is not how I want this to happen. Not with my family downstairs or the possibility of my brother popping in at any second. I inhale as I break away from the kiss and look into her eyes.

"I want you." I tell her honestly. I see her gulp and she raises her hand to pull me in for another kiss. I let her guide me toward her and I know that everything I want with her she wants with me. She pecks my lips and she slips her knee between my legs.

The action is killing me so of course being the masochist that I am I start a motion. I feel her smile into the kiss, her hand becomes firmer against my lower back. I release a guttural moan and reluctantly pull away. She pouts a bit and I nibble at it softly.

"I know, I know." She responds, she knows I want to but we can't. She drops her head on the mattress. I mimic her motion and look into her eyes.

"Tell me a story." I say as I tangle my legs with hers. She smiles softly.

"What kind of story do you want to hear?"

I shrug my shoulders and link our hands together. I start playing with her fingers absentmindedly.

"Something you wrote, you never told me what you write."

"I write everything my mind will allow me to create. I write poetry, fiction, non-fiction, journaling…" She just shrugs. "It varies."

"Will you let me read some of your stuff?"

She bites her lip and I want to kiss her again. She's thinking of what she'd let me read. She leans closer to me to get a better reach into her back pocket. She opens her little black book to a certain page and holds it in front of me.

_An unlikely place to meet a beautiful perfect stranger. I falter over words as if they weren't in my nature. The cacophony of emotions she's stirred within me. A frenzy, a melody of bliss I no longer thought would be attainable for me. A story behind her eyes I want to unravel but more so become a part of it. My brokenness still a factor, but my heart refuses to linger in the darkness that's tried to overcome me. This beauty that is she, that she brings to me, a light unexpected. A need to know her, a desire to show her that she's a gift to me because for the first time I've felt my heart beat after death has consumed me. _

My eyes are welling up and I feel a lump in my throat. I never imagined that I brought anything to the table that made her feel remotely close to what she wrote down. She closes the book, slips it back into her pocket and looks down shyly. I lift her hand up to my lips and kiss it gently. I kiss her wrists, then make my way up her arm and start on her neck.

"You're amazing." I tell her, mumbling against her neck. She holds me close and I inhale everything that she is.

"You bring out the best in me." She says and I need her to stop saying things that are making me fall faster. We already admitted to falling in love with each other and time isn't on our side. Since it's not, I have to allow our emotions to rebel against it. I pull back and we commence in our normal display of affection. Our lips smoothly glide together. I can't help but think to myself that I've found the one I was always meant to be with.


	16. Heart Strings

I freaking love every one of you guys so much! Thank you so much for all your kind words. Here's the next chapter woot woot!

son-lyn: LOL do not come after me! I'm genuinely scared now lol. I'm glad you like the update. But if there was something coming... I wouldn't be able to tell you about it just yet lol.

Godlove: Thank you so much! :)

dumle2209: My gf wrote the poem, it was incredibly adorable right? Man that's crazy how you thought you read it and I could have sworn you did too. That's cray lol. I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter and yes you noticed the line as well haha. It definitely made sense in that moment right.

ShardsOfRayne: Posting! lol. Wow your favorite chapter ever?! I like the sound of that. Haha you fist pumped that's so awesome. I bet your mom was like 'the hell?' hahah.

bookworm848: Darnit, I didn't realize that quote was so iconic lol. I wasn't expecting it either actually. I didn't have that in mind when I started writing the chapter. It kind of took on a mind of it's own. Oh yeah that did happen in the show too! You're so awesome for knowing these things. Yeah... we can never get too much spashley. They are adorable and sweet and every other thing in the book. Sigh. Did you happen to see Girl Trash all Night long?

L2GQ: Oh no! Not mush lol. How will you be able to read the next updates if your brain is mush? I really love all of you for knowing the quote from the show it just shows me how truly awesome fans you all are!

FufuTheFallenAngel: Haha! You and me both. Chelsea wouldn't put in work! You can say that about Spashley as much as you'd like! woo! No it's not weird to say that... is it weird to say I'm in love with all of you?

Guestyguest: Yes your name rocks. I love putting out chapters fast because you guys all rock so much and I don't like making you wait! :)

IhEaRtSpAsHlEy: Thank you, well my girlfriend thanks you since she's the one that wrote it. :) I'm glad you liked the chapter. Haha, marriage is a bit early lol. Maybe in the future ;)

gina32: Everytime I read you guys' reviews I fall more and more in love with each of you. Everyone is happy that she hit Carmen. Why is that? lol. Tunes of Betrayal will always be my most favorite story ever! I had such a blast writing that it was ridiculous how awesome everyone accepted that story.

DominoL: Everyone wants to punch Carmen! lol

a1721: thank you so much!

dani: I wanted to start every chapter that way tbh lol. No problem, I have tons of army family and friends which is the only really I know. I think they're both equally cute... let's say that. I don't know how I do it. I think it's just something she does on her own. It's weird cause the characters kind of write themselves id I'm being honest. No Ashley has never been with anyone in every sense of the word. She loved Madison for six years and never had eyes for anyone else. Thank you again for reading and reviewing! You're so awesome!

googoo4u: That second line you mentioned was actually something I was going to say in this story but I changed my mind. I'd completely forgotten it was used in the show. You guys are so freaking awesome for knowing these things I swear. Lol Carmen deserved to get beat down. I completely agree. Spencer is always adorable! Aw thank you I'm just happy that I make all of you happy.

Annais81: Oh snap! Speechless? That's whats up. I'm happy that you guys are all happy. I think I may try my hand at writing a novel one day. It seems like it would be so amazing. Chelsea is very dangerous. She seems like the type that can kill you with her bare hands hell just her pinky haha. I think everyone debates in their heads about one thing or another. I had to throw carmen back in there to spice things up a bit lol. haha I think everyone yelled go Ashley at that point. Um... I think I may identify with Ashley a little more than Spencer and my gf would be the Spencer. I was guarded and a recluse. she's trying to change that. :) I never said there wouldn't be a storm though lol. Just that I wasn't making that the calm before the storm haha. Aw, thank you but I think there is always something to improve. I love all you guys so much! lol.

SONNOC: PM'd you. :)

* * *

I rub my eyes to help rid the tired from them. I'm getting up to meet with Spencer. She asked me to join her and I can't ever say no to her. I don't think I ever will. It's still dark out and I tiredly get dressed, slipping on a pair of sweatpants and a light sweater for the brisk morning air. My phone goes off and it's Spencer is letting me know she's on her way.

I quickly go through my routine and quietly make my way downstairs. It's too early even for my mother to be up. Or so I thought. I reach the bottom step and see the kitchen light is on. I shake my head and walk inside the room.

"Mom what are you doing up it's four thirty in the morning."

"Couldn't sleep." She says quietly and I try my best to read her. She's blowing on her hot chocolate and I grab a stool at the island. I scratch my forehead and run my hand down my face.

'I love you mom."

She smiles as she holds the cup up to her mouth. She mumbles an "I know." I'm brought back to several weeks prior and my discussion with my little brother. I remember how he told me how she cries herself to sleep sometimes. How she lingers in my room, praying for my safety, for my return. I sigh and look at the woman who's given me everything and I realize that my theory of 'at arms length' can't and won't work.

"Where you headed off to so early in the morning?"

"Spencer is picking me up to watch the sunrise." I answer easily and I think the fact that I don't put up a fight catches her off guard. I further the conversation and discuss the gift I recently bought for Spencer. My mother smiles as I give her a full on description of the small gesture in response to Spencer's insurmountable affection.

She leans on the counter and giggles at the small jokes that I'm making. I raise my brows as she stifles a yawn and I stand up, walking to the other side of the counter. I take the cup from her hands and slide it away from her. Nodding my head in the direction of the stairs, I gently order my mother to go to bed.

I pull her in for a hug and her grip tightens. Usually I'd make a joke about how she's squeezing the air of me but I relent; squeezing just as tight. She gives me a kiss on the cheek and I watch her leave the kitchen. The timing is perfect as I feel my phone buzz and see that Spencer is waiting outside for me. I turn the light off as I leave the kitchen and blindly make my way towards the front door. I grab the small gift bag before I head out of the house, quietly closing the door behind me.

I turn my face away from the bright headlights that beam up the driveway. She turns them off and I briskly jog down the driveway. Some may think I'm skipping but get this straight...Ashley Davies does not and will not ever skip. I get inside the car and I'm greeted with a pair of soft lips puckered up for a kiss. Giggling, I lean forward and peck them softly. She notices the bag in my hand and points down to it.

"What's that?" Curiosity written all over her face and I just blush slightly because I'm a little shy about it. I never really bought a gift for a girlfriend before and wasn't entirely sure just how she would like it.

"It's a gift for you but I'll give it you later."

She doesn't whine about it and I'm appreciative of it because I want the moment I give it to her to be special, not just a hand off in a car. She starts the car back up and backs her way out of the driveway.

Our conversation to the beach is light. We aren't talking about anything too serious, just particular things that interest us. It feels good to establish some form of monotony, life has been filled with revelations, emotional breakthroughs and confessions. I don't mind the talk about the commercial that she's obsessed with that she flips through channels to find it just so she can laugh at it. I'm even pleasantly surprised that I can talk about all the trips that I've taken during previous leaves without feeling the guilt of not coming home. Those stories easily turn into future plans with the girl to my left. Most people having discussions like this would freak out at the prospect of doing something like traveling with their significant other so early on in the relationship, but I look forward to it. It's nice to not be afraid of something that other people are terrified of and for once I'm glad I'm not normal.

We reach the beach and take a quiet walk down to Spencer and Glen's spot. She has a basket and a blanket and I come to the conclusion that it's a good idea to definitely give her the gift during this time. No other time would be as perfect. We set up and get cozy, listening to the ocean; digging our feet into the sand while we rest against the blanket Spencer laid out. I feel her reach for my hand I instantly link mine with hers. She starts to talk but it's not to me and I know having been in my own spot that she's talking to her brother. I just sit quietly much like she has whenever she's accompanied me through my own discussions with my friends.

"Hey Glen, as you can see I'm not alone this time. I know you wouldn't mind seeing as you'd want to meet the girl that stole my heart."

My eyes are closed but I can hear her smiling as she talks. I'm not sure if her eyes are closed as well but I know that they aren't on me. I feel when they are.

"She's pretty great and don't worry Chelsea took care of the talk that you would have given her. She handled herself quite well if you ask me. It was a bit sexy honestly."

She starts laughing and I'm sure it's because she's imaging the grossed out response he would have given her, if he had still been here. I chuckle quietly not wanting to ruin her moment. I feel her gently squeeze my hand.

"Okay, okay I'm sorry geez. Here I thought I can tell you anything but apparently there are limits, she is hot though right?"

I can't laugh quietly anymore because the comment alone catches me off guard. She's laughing as well. I feel her move closer to me and I welcome the warmth. I'm not sure if it's just her body heat or her but everything about her radiates warmth.

"I know I got myself a looker don't be jealous. Anyway she's just here and she's leaving soon so I brought her by so she could talk to you."

My eyes shoot open. This is a complete surprise to me and I don't look at my girlfriend but I do feel her eyes on me. I clear my throat knowing that me talking to him is important. If I didn't have to do this with Madison and Aiden I'd be terrified of what to say but I've had some practice. I close my eyes again and imagine his face. There are a lot of pictures of he and Spencer in the Carlin residence so it's not hard for me to picture what he looks like.

"Hey Glen, thanks for being so understanding about letting me in on you and Spencer's secret spot. She's been teaching me to surf and even though I didn't get to know you I feel a tiny bit closer to understanding who you were and who you were to Spencer. She's amazing and I care about her so much, she's helped me a lot and the way she talks about you I feel like I know you a bit. I'm sorry we didn't get to meet, but I know one day we will. Until then I'll just get to know you through your sister."

I turn to her in hopes that my talk was decent enough. She's tearing up a bit and I reach my hand over and brush it away with my thumb. I cup her face and she lays her hand on top of mine and I smile softly at her.

"Thank you." She says in a whisper. I just shake my head.

"No, thank you."

I feel her cheeks heat up a bit and I know she's blushing. The sun is starting to peek in the horizon and the small bit of orange, purple and blue is breathtaking. I drop my hands from her face and watch the natural beauty unravel before me. We're both too captivated by the sunset to talk right now. The colors flood our eyes and we melt into the scene as if we were permanent fixtures of it. Not paying any mind to anything else but each other. She leans her head against my shoulder and I drop my head on top of hers.

She lets go of my hand to loop our arms together and we sit quietly. I'm so in love with her and where we are right now. It's like the perfect place in all degrees. She inhales deeply, sighing contently.

"I'm so happy" she admits and I grin.

"Me too."

I'm not sure how long we sat there in silence, but honestly I don't care. I don't want time to ruin this moment so I just act as though time doesn't exist.

Much to my dismay she pulls away and grabs the basket that sat beside her. She opens the one side and hands me a bottle of orange juice. She starts digging around and pulls out a plate, utensils, napkins and I start to giggle.

"If you pull a table outta there I'm gonna start calling you Hermoine."

She smirks as she turns to me slowly.

"Didn't take you for a Harry Potter fan."

I look away from her a bit embarrassed. "I skimmed the books." I answer noncommittally.

I brave a look at her and she staring at me knowingly. She caught me. The detail of Hermoine's charmed handbag that I referenced is too minute to be remembered by someone that barely paid attention. I scoff and release an obnoxious growl.

"Fine I read them all the way through...three times."

She erupts in laughter and I pout. She coos me leaning forward to give me a quick kiss. I grab the hem of her short so she can't escape too quickly because I need more than a peck after that reveal. She doesn't fight me on it as she deepens the kiss forgetting the breakfast that she packed. We break apart to catch our breaths.

"Let's eat yeah?" I just nod licking the taste of Spencer from my swollen lips.  
She pulls out muffins, scones, a fruit salad, croissants, a thermos full of coffee and some yogurt. I'm bewildered by the amount of food that she's brought. She laughs lightly.

"I like a variety." She says as she hands me a blueberry muffin remembering that it's my favorite. She's so damn cute.

I take it with a thank you and she just nods taking a healthy bite out of her scone. She shakes the thermos, silently asking if I want coffee. I let her cater to me because she's made it clear that she enjoys it.

We have our breakfast on the beach watching the sunrise and I prepare myself for the gift I want to give her. I take a drink of my OJ hoping it'll take some of the nerves down. I grab the bag and hold onto the straps. I look at her and even though she doesn't know what it is she already looks grateful.

"So I got you a little something. It's not much and if you don't like it just tell me I promise not to get upset or anything. I just wanted to get you something that reminded me of you and hopefully you like it..." I'm rambling.

She places a hand on my leg and rubs it comfortingly. I release a harsh breath and hand her the bag.

I nibble on my bottom lip nervously. She pushes the tissue paper aside and pulls the biggest gift out first. I squint my face as if I'm in pain, the anticipation of her response is killing me. She gasps and I take that as a good sign.

"Ashley..." Then nothing... "It's.." What! It's what?! For the love of God tell me! I'm gonna pass out. She doesn't say anything. She's running her fingers over the engraving of her name at the bottom of her leather bound journal. The pages like cloth, thicker than normal, it absorbs the ink of fountain pens so it doesn't run through to the other side.

"Do you like it?" I ask because I'm really not sure.

"I love it so much! Thank you." She holds it to her chest hugging the intimate object and I want to pat myself on the back, she kisses me and I rather that gesture instead.

I tell her she's welcome when we separate and point to the bag.

"There's one more thing."

She dives into the bag excitedly and pulls out a square velvet box. She looks at me quickly before opening it. She opens it slowly and gasps for the second time. Gasping equals good just in case you weren't sure.

She whispers my name again and it does something to my insides. I swallow down the rage of hormones and focus on my girlfriend. She lifts the sterling silver heart and it's two pieces on the same chain.

"Do you get the other side?"

"I'm supposed to, but I'm giving them both to you. The jagged heart is how you found me it's only right that you get my whole heart, not half. You made it complete and that's how I want to give it to you."

"It's beautiful Ash thank you. I love everything you gave me. They're both so special in such a special place. You're so amazing."

I give her a crooked smile and she holds out the necklace for me to put on. She turns around and squeals excitedly. I giggle as I lift the jewelry over her head. She pulls her hair out of the way and I fasten the clasp. I gently kiss the back of her neck making my way to the side. She leans further into me and I slide my hands down her arms engulfing her in a hug.

"You're so beautiful." I tell her and I know she understands that I'm not just referencing to her looks. She tells me thank you and we stay quiet for the duration of our time.

We make our way off the beach once the sun is completely risen, hand in hand.

"I just had a crazy idea." I tell her and it really is crazy. Old Ashley wouldn't even mention it but I'm turning a new leaf.

"Mhm." She subtly urges me on and we disconnect our hands once we make it to the car.

"Do you and your family maybe want to come over for dinner tonight?"

"Really?"

"I know crazy right?"

She giggles and nods in agreement. "Only cause it's you." She answers as we climb inside the car. I want to counter but she is right.

"So do you think your parents will go for it. I think it's time they met."

"Definitely." She starts her car up and backs out of the spot.

"Oh and bring Doc, that way I don't have to share you with Ty. He'll be so distracted by the dog." I laugh and she shakes her as she joins in.

"You're not a good sharer."

"Not when it comes to you."

–  
I enter the house and it's buzzing with the normal morning energy. I find my mother again in the kitchen cooking breakfast for my father.

"You love what you do right?" I ask as I hop on the counter and swing my legs haphazardly. She smiles brightly.

"With every fiber of my being."

As long as she does. I know my dad appreciates the things she does, being a housewife is the hardest job. My mom calls it being a domestic goddess and she's amazing at what she does. I don't ever want her to feel as if what she does goes unnoticed. She pats my leg softly, that's her way of telling me to get down.

I wring my fingers together as I muster of the courage to ask about dinner tonight. She looks down at them then smirks.

"Want to tell me something?" She asks knowingly.

"I know it's sorta last minute and we can just go out to dinner if you want but I'd really like it if..."

"Yes." She says sweetly.

"Ma you don't even know what it is yet."

"I'd do anything for you sweetheart you should know that by now."

"Okay can I at least tell you what it is so you can plan accordingly." She nods once and I continue. "Spencer and her family are coming over for dinner tonight."  
The smile on her face is huge. I would think feeding an extra three mouths would throw her off but she's glowing.

"Oh Ashley that's an amazing idea. I'd love to meet the Carlins. Their daughter is so lovely I can only imagine her parents. I'll get started right away. Anything particular you want me to make."

I shake my head. "Whatever you want mom everything you make is awesome."  
I'd say she smiles again but the one she was sporting previously never left her face. She finishes up my father's breakfast and like clockwork he steps into the kitchen and grabs her by the waist kissing her neck softly. I should be grossed out but it's cute to see that they're still so much in love after twenty-two years. Gives me hope that the love I have for Spencer isn't puppy love it's something that could last. She giggles and swats him away ordering him to eat his breakfast.

"Hey kid how's it hanging?"

I laugh at my fathers attempt to sound hip and pat him on the shoulder. He tried... can't fault him for that.

"It's hanging dad. You'll be around later?"

"Yeah unless you're kicking me out." He quips before taking a sip of coffee.

"Spencer and her family are coming over for dinner so, you know, be here."

He winks at me and then looks at his wife who's nose is buried in her homemade cookbook.

"So that's the reason she's smiling more this morning. You had something to do with it?"

I just shrug and jump off the counter my mother told me to get down from ages ago.

He grabs my hand and squeezes it gently. I take a step forward closer to him and he whispers in my ear.

"You're doing great kid, all we want is for you to be happy. The happier you are the happier we are. We're just glad you're letting us in."

I look at him and give him a bashful look. He places a fatherly kiss atop my head and lets me go. I head out of the kitchen giving my mom a gentle kiss on the cheek before I'm completely gone. I jog up the stairs and think about how happy I've been. This is the week I've been dreading, the anniversary of the passing of Madison and Aiden. It's like the grief I've been dreading has somehow vanished. Like the anticipation was worse than the circumstance. I feel my phone go off and I already know that it's Spencer anyone else that would contact me is in this house.

I answer the phone and I'm smiling like an idiot already. I probably should catch a grip but I haven't felt this high on life in…ever so pardon me if I float away.

"Beautiful." I answer as I reach the final step and walk to my room.

"Am I ridiculous for missing so much this quickly?"

I walk into my room and drop onto my bed.

"Not at all, if it is then consider me ridiculous."

"So my parents are in for tonight. Doc is excited as well." I hear a bark in the background and we both giggle.

"Clearly. My mom is really excited to meet your parents as well. She's got her head buried in her cookbook trying to find recipes for tonight. It's going to be a feast I can already tell. So don't eat too much today."

"I'll try not to but I'm sure I can manage. I'm a bit of a food monger. Glen and I used to bet who could eat more of what on different holidays."

"Well that's certainly something you can do with Ty, I swear that boy puts it away like no other. He eats like a grown man."

She laughs but I'm serious. It's jaw dropping really. We chat about nothing in particular for a while and I feel the mood shift. She's a bit distant and I want to clear it up right away before we ruin our good streak.

"What's the matter?"

"I was just thinking about your departure."

"Spence don't think about it okay. We still have some time together."

She sighs and I know ignoring it won't make it less painful. "I know but I'm still sad."

"How about this, I come pick you up before I get Tyler from school and we can be alone before dinner. That way we can be together for longer."

"You don't have to." She responds cutely. I can picture her pout and I want to kiss it away.

"I know I don't. I want to though. So should I come now?"

She laughs and smirk. "Tyler doesn't get out of school for like another five hours."

"I'll drive really, really slow." She giggles but agrees to my speedy appearance. "I'll see you in a bit."

We hang up and I take a quick shower. When I'm satisfied with my appearance I hop down the stairs two at a time. I inhale deeply and my stomach growls at the aroma. The amazing smells coming from the kitchen and for once I'm excited about the plans involving my family. It's most likely because I'm in the greatest mood I've been in for years.

I walk into the kitchen and my mom has all kinds of kitchen gadgets spread among the counters. Mixers, knives, spoons and bowls litter the kitchen along with every spice from our cabinets.

I grab a water bottle from the fridge and lean against the door. My mother is happily twirling around the kitchen.

"You need anything from the store ma?"

"No honey I'm great."

"I'm going to pick Ty up from school today alright? So you're not overwhelmed or anything."

"Oh that's so sweet of you Ashley. Are you off to see Spencer?" I blush and look down at my shoes. She comes over and lifts my head by my chin. "It's sweet to see you so in love honey."

"Thanks ma."

She winks then twirls towards the lump of dough she has perfectly packed out on the counter. I watch her as she kneads it and I take in the essence of my mother. She really is amazing. I leave her in her arena and head out to my car. I slide inside the seat and make my way to my girlfriend.

–

I feel like I've slept with a hanger in my mouth. I can't stop smiling and it's because of a certain blonde. I'm glad that I make her feel the same way. Before I know it I'm in front of her house and she's outside waiting for me. Doc is diligently sitting next to her. She stands up from her porch and waves at me. She has a blanket in her hand and as she makes her way towards the car I get out to assist her. As I get closer to her Doc quickly moves forward and jumps up on me. He balances himself on his hind legs resting his front legs on my shoulders. I don't know if I'm really short or this dog is really tall but his face is lined with mine. He lays his head on my shoulder and I notice my girlfriend giggling softly.

"He wants a hug."

"Seriously?" I ask in shock and surprise myself even more as I actually hug the dog. He growls in appreciation then gets back on all fours.

My girlfriend kisses me softly and wipes away the bit of fur that Doc shed onto me.

"Sorry about that." She says with furrowed brows. She wiping the fur away from my chest and I quirk a brow.

"Did you put him up to this so you could feel me up?" I joke and she smirks.

"I don't have to work hard to feel you up Davies."She winks at me and opens the back seat of my car laying the blanket on top of the seat. Doc jumps inside and sits obediently and I'm extremely impressed.

I open the door for Spencer and she gets inside. I hold up my end of the deal and we drive aimlessly and slowly. We stop at the park to let Doc stretch his legs and before I know it it's time to pick up my little brother. We pull up to the school and my brother shouts in excitement when he see the dog in the backseat he completely forgets about the person who owns it in the front seat.

"It looks like your evil plan is working." She teases mildly. I just shrug and try to look innocent.

"I don't know what you're talking about. " Is my response as I get out to get a hug from my little man. He's hugging me but I know his eyes are focused on the Lab in the backseat.

"Hey Ash can I show off the dog to Lacey?"

"You gotta ask Spencer bud, Docs hers."

He leans to see Spencer and she's smiling at him from the passenger seat. She wiggles her fingers at him in a wave.

"Can I Spence?" She winks at him and nods her head for him to take the dog. Doc gets out of the car and licks Tyler's face. He giggles and ruffles Doc's fur. Spencer instructs him to hold him by the collar and that he doesn't have to hold too tight. Doc's well behaved.

Tyler walks over to his little crush. The dog is as big as he is and the picture is adorable. I lean against the car, Spencer and I watch the scene unfold. Doc sits down and the little girl that I'm guessing is Lacey is going crazy over him.

"It's always the dog."Spencer chortles and I look down at her.

"Busted."

She whips her head up at me. "What do you mean?"

"You just gave yourself away."

"Huh?"

"The day at the park when I was jogging did you send your dog to distract me?" She erupts in laughter but it's forced and she looks away for a minute.

"I did no such thing. If Doc went after you it's because he saw a squirrel or something."

"Is that so?" I ask.

"I don't know what you're talking about." She says it in the same fashion as when I said it earlier when she was referring to my evil plan, which by the way is clearly working. Tyler starts to walk back, walking with a swagger as if he's the coolest kid in the world. He is though so no fault of his.

"Alright Lacey I'll call you later. Say bye Doc." Doc obeys and gives the girl a quick bark.

"How'd you know he'd bark?" I ask.

"Cause Doc knows when we want the ladies." Spencer says in a soft tone. I playfully glare at her and she smirks.

Tyler laughs and lets Doc go so he can hop into the backseat. Tyler climbs in and goes on the other side to get into his booster seat.

"Thanks so much for letting me borrow Doc."

"Anytime buddy."

"Hey Ash can we get some Italian Ice from Via Veneto?" He buckles himself in and I look at him through the rear view mirror. So there are two people I can't say no to. I agree and he shouts in glee. I'm glad that I'm spending so much to with him but more specifically I'm glad that I get to enjoy all this time with her. I look over at Spencer and she's looking out the window. I reach over grab her hand and kiss it sweetly. She looks at me with a smile and I can't imagine being away from her. I'm grateful that this is my last tour because I'm ready to start my life and I'd really like to figure it out with Spencer by my side.

We get icees and hang out in the closest park. Tyler runs around with Doc while Spencer and I watch from a distance eating our tye dye ices.

"You know I'm glad I found you when I did. I wasn't going to go to the cemetery that night because I was feeling a certain way that I can't really explain but I'm glad I did."

"I'm glad you did too."

"I wonder if we would've met if it wasn't the cemetery."

"I would've found you between Lara Croft's legs." She teases and I groan.

"I'm not living that down am I?"

She forces her statement out through her laughter. "No way in hell am I letting that go." She kisses me on the cheek, her lips cold from her frozen treat. I pout and she does what I'm hoping for. Giving me a quick peck but I prolong it until her lips are warm.

She pulls back blushing and I'm impressed that I make my first girlfriend as flushed as I have been. Emotions are making up for experience. We finish up and get ready to head back to my house.

–

Tyler runs into the house with Doc by his side. "Keep him occupied in the back bud."

My little brother shouts out an 'okay' as he throws his book bag on the floor by the door and runs towards the backyard with the dog. Spencer and I walk into the kitchen and it smells even better than when I left.

"Mrs. Davies everything smells so good. My mouth is watering just at the scent." My mother blushes and waves a dismissive hand at my girlfriend.

"Thank you dear. I'm just happy to have a crowd to cook for."

"I hardly call three more people a crowd mom." I giggle as I take a brownie from the mountain that my mother has created. She glares at me. "Just one mom…plus two." I say as I grab two more and jump back dodging the handful of flour my mother tried to throw at me. She got some in my hair!

Spencer laughs and I can't help the chuckle that escapes me because I do know how my mother gets about her cooking. She set the treats up in a pyramid that I ruined. Before my mother can berate me I pull my girlfriend from the kitchen and up to my room. Once we enter I close the door behind us and hand her a brownie. She takes a bite and she groans in appreciation.

"Right?" She just nods and walks around my room as I take a seat on my bed. This is the first time she's actually gotten the chance to look around my room. We're usually…occupied with each other she hasn't gotten the chance. She stops at a photo of Aiden, Madison and I at some party.

"Is this them?" She asks making sure, picking up the picture frame with her free hand. I say a soft yes. "Madison is beautiful."

"Yeah she was." I know she's not saying that to receive a response complimenting her. Spencer doesn't give me the insecure I need a compliment every five seconds kind of vibe. I think she's honestly just telling me Madison was beautiful. She really was.

She puts down the picture and joins me on the bed. "You two together would've made jaws drop." She tells me seriously but I can't help but laugh. "What? It's true!"

"Well I think you and I are pretty jaw dropping." I lean forward and capture her lips with mine. I don't know how I became so good at being smooth with a girl but I lay her back and rest my body on top of hers. Dinner will be ready in a few hours. That's definitely not enough time for me to get my fill of Spencer, but I can try.

–

Dinner is going off successfully. My mom really has outdone herself. She's made a five course meal with three choices of appetizers. The fathers are talking shop, hashing sports statistics while the mothers discuss cooking and gardening. They seem to be hitting it off so well and I can't be more pleased. I'm getting some payback as Paula retells embarrassing stories of Spencer but she's a good sport and just laughs along instead of scowl, so that takes the fun out of it for me. Tyler is rolling around with the dog somewhere, then there's Spencer and I glued to each others side. My mom escorts everyone to the dining room and calls for my brother. Telling him to wash up for supper, it's just the adults in the room and my mother raises her glass clinking it gently with her knife. She's giving a speech…of course she is.

"I want to thank you so much for coming to our home. It's been such a treat getting to know you and getting to know your daughter. She's been lovely to have around but most especially I'm grateful for what she's been to my daughter…"

Oh geez.

My mother takes a moment gathering herself and my dad lays a hand on hers in support. She clears her throat to say more and I feel Spencer squeeze my hand under the table.

"When Ashley was expected to come home I didn't know what I was going to get. The first few days were hard she was distant and kept to herself which I understood but I just wanted to know that she was alright. Ever since the induction of Spencer she's brought life back to my baby and now I see so much joy, peace, and love in her and I couldn't be more happy. So thank you Spencer and thank you Paula and Arthur for raising such a beautiful girl."

"May I add something to that?" Paula chimes in before my mother gets a chance to say cheers. My mother smiles widely and I think it's official. She's found her new best friend. She nods giving the okay to Mrs. Carlin to continue.

"First of all thank you for opening your home to us and cooking such a feast. This all looks delicious. Your hospitality, kindness, and generosity are so heartwarming and I am glad to finally find out where Ashley gets all those qualities from and then some. Since Spencer has met Ashley I've seen a light in her eyes that I haven't seen in a long time. Her tenacity for life has increased insurmountably and I know that it has to do with the young lady sitting right here."

I blush looking away. I squeeze Spencer's hand this time. I'm wasn't expecting any of this. They're grateful that we fell in love with each other. I guess we were so busy falling for one another we didn't see the impact that it had on the people around us. How often does anyone pay attention to that though? When two people fall in love it's supposed to be just the two of them but it never is. We didn't pay attention to how our mood changes affected our families, we just fell for each other. We mattered to one another and we forgot that we matter to other people. I think Spencer and I are both a bit embarrassed by the toasts our mothers are giving. We thought we were just having a dinner to get to know one another. Turns out we're celebrating the love Spencer and I are growing into. I turn my attention back onto Paula as she finishes up.

"You've had such an impact on Spencer's life and both Arthur and I are so grateful. We feel like you've been with us for so long and I think I speak for Arthur as well as myself when I say that you're a welcomed addition to our family."

My mouth goes dry as she says that. I choke out something that sounds like words but I can't be sure. I know I feel Spencer's lips on my cheek. That's an unmistakable feeling. I don't know what to say but I mechanically raise my glass as everyone says 'to Ashley and Spencer.' We steal a glance at each other and smirk. I can't help but lean forward and kiss her quickly ignoring all the eyes that are on us right now. Their gratitude is pleasantly overwhelming but nothing is more pleasantly overwhelming than knowing that this girl is mine.


	17. Hazy

I love you all! Enough said :)

SONNOC: I do not need help, I am just you know... review happy lol. I will listen to that song as soon as I get a chance but I'm sure I'll love it cause it has two of my fav artist in it. You still calling me miss two a day I see. Lol. Wouldn't you rather just be calling me 'baby' though? lmao. I'm gonna get in so much trouble for that. Doc is the dog and Ty is the man! You heard me! lol. I'm such a weirdo sometimes don't mind me. Thank you for saying that I'm amazing. I personally think I'm just meh but you know if you wanna say I'm amazing I'm not gonna stop you or anything lol. I don't like to breathe cause when you take a step back and breathe you get lackadaisical. I don't want to do that. I'm so enthused about this story and I just want everyone to see why. :)

ShardsOfRayne: Lol you can't decide huh. Well maybe we should just say you love them all and they're all the best... yeah, that works for me. hehe. You were watching Lost the tv show? I've never seen it, how is it? I'm happy that you stopped watching it to read the update and that you liked the update. LMAO your mom seems awesome and hell so do you!

son-lyn: Whew! Thank goodness cause I was genuinely scared for a moment there haha. I have absolutely no idea if that's a word or not but if it isn't... it should be haha. It's so awesome. All of them were lol. All families use every opportunity they have to embarrass you, at least I know mine does lol. Here's your more I hope I didn't make you wait too long.

punkerocker07: They really are the cutest couple ever. I think they should win some kind of award for that.

Godlove: I love that you review every single chapter haha. I'm happy you're enjoying the story though. :)

L2GQ: Seriously... the best? You guys ugh you're killing me I'm grinning from ear to ear reading these reviews. Dogs definitely help with the ladies lol.

Kindermind: I'm not sure Ashley even understood what Aiden was talking about so until she figures it out she probably wont. I'm happy that you enjoy all my stories, you're so awesome for reading them all. :)

googoo4u: OOOOOh I agree that was one of my favorites but then again these upcoming chapters ahhh! I think they will blow your mind. Hmm, I like that quote, maybe I will try to incorporate it in somewhere. It fits this story line yeah? I know that song. I like it alot! Yes! My gf is definitely a big inspiration in my writing.

IhEaRtSpAsHlEy: Your name is so hard to write out when I'm doing this FoF lol. I have to check to make sure I have it exactly right so many times haha. I see I see, us lesbians do like to move fast, that I cannot lie about lol.

gina32: Thank you so much! I've done the whole someone is broken and someone is putting them back together with Saving Me, but that story wasn't nearly as emotionally driven as this one so I'm glad you think I'm doing this story justice. :)

bou-j525: Thank you lol. I'm glad you think so. It's okay that you're a lurker as long as you pop in now and again like you've done to let me know what you think because like I said, the opinion of my readers means a lot to me. I'm glad you like the length of the chapters, I have been known for my short chapters... I'm trying to get past that haha. Ah, pessimist... always thinking the worst lol. I can't either deny or confirm these accusations.

bookworm848: Of course I do! That was the deal. I'm a woman of my word. Lol this is fanfiction, I think it may be their resemblance to the Spashley we know from South of Nowhere and all the quotes you've been thinking of. Yeah, I don't think it gets any better than the Spence I have created in this story... she is the perfect woman lol. Ah! Girltrash was so freaking good! I could hardly contain myself at the end...

dumle2209: I will definitely do so. :) The presents were well thought out and I think they fit the story and the characters perfectly, would you agree? Lol Doc is so the dog. Not only did he pull Tyler a gf but he also distracted Tyler from interrupting important Spashley time yeah haha.

* * *

I smile and roll over, looking at the clock. It's still early so I can go for my run. I can't believe this leave is almost over. My smile widens as I think of everything I've gained since coming home. A stronger relationship with my little brother, my mom and I are closer than ever, I've gotten to spend quality time with my dad, mended my relationships with the Dennisons and the Duarte's, did I mention the amazingly beautiful girl that I now call my girlfriend? No? Well yeah there's that too!

I pull myself out of bed, get dressed for my run and head downstairs to the kitchen.

"Hey mom." I greet my mother with a kiss on the cheek.

She smiles and places an orange in front of me. "Good morning, Ashley."

I smile, peeling my orange as my little brother climbs on a stool next to me.

"Morning, Ash. Is Spencer coming over today?" He questions with a smile.

"Not today bud." I shake my head, putting a piece of orange in my mouth. "She's a little busy." I hop down off my stool as my mom places a plate of food in front of my brother. He pouts and I ruffle his hair. "I'm sure she'll come over to see you tomorrow. We'll be here when you get out of school okay?"

His smile returns as he nods then stuffs a forkful of food into his mouth. "Going for my run."

"Are you going to the Dennison's later?" My mother questions. I nod as I'm leaving the kitchen, she shouts an 'okay and she'll see me later.' I head out for my morning room.

–

Today has been amazing so far. I won't let the date get me down. This is suppose to be a celebration of Madison and Aiden's life so I'm refusing to sulk. Plus I'm going by Spencer's later and that thought alone is keeping me happy. She said she had a busy morning but wouldn't really discuss it. I didn't press her about it though. I know she's probably preparing for her brother's memorial, I think it's one day this week. She hasn't really liked to talk about it much, but I completely understand what she's going through.

I pull up in front of the Dennison house and Mr. Dennison doing some light yard work on this sunny day.

"Hey Mr. Dennison." I greet him with a wave as I make my way up to the house.

"Hello Ashley." He smiles. I step inside the house, an action that would usually bombard me with memories. Force me to remember that he's gone. Not so much anymore. Now I chose what to feel, what to see. I think I've finally gotten a grip on my emotions.

"Well hello there, Ashley." Maria pulls me into a hug. I smile, saying a hello. "Is your family stopping by? I didn't get a chance to speak with your mother this morning."

"Yes ma'am they're coming over after Tyler gets out of school." I nod as Mrs. Dennison appears from the kitchen.

"Hello, Ashley.." She greets me with a kiss to both cheeks. "Your parents?" She questions. I'm starting to think they want my parents here more than they want me. I chuckle and nod.

"After Tyler gets out of school." The two women in front of me nod head back into the kitchen, talking to each other. I head up the stairs to the room I frequented in my childhood. It feels weird to be in here. But not like a strange weird, a good weird if that makes any sense. I run a finger over a few things on Aiden's desk. His parents haven't touched the room since the accident. I think it helps them to come in and see it exactly the way Aiden left it.

"I miss you guys." I say aloud as I take a seat on Aiden's bed. "I really do." I curl my lips into a smile remembering the time we were jumping on Aiden's bed and he fell off nearly hitting his head on the drum kit he got for his ninth birthday. I think we laughed ourselves to sleep that day. He said he saw his life flash before his eyes. I told him he was being dramatic and he damn near tickled me to death.

"Ashley." A gentle hand shakes me awake. I look up and see Mrs. Dennison standing over me sporting a smile. I must have fallen asleep.

I didn't even realize that I was tired. I sit up, placing Aiden's favorite bear back on his pillow. Yes, in case you're wondering, he still slept with a teddy bear. In his defense, his grandmother gave it to him when he was two and she died when we were eleven. It was all he had left of her so he dug it out of his closet and started sleeping with it again.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to fall asleep."

She shakes her head, waving me off. "It's okay. I do it sometimes too." She smiles. "Dinner's ready." I nod and she leaves giving me a couple more seconds.

"I know you're watching over me Aiden, I just wanna say thanks for putting Spencer in my path." I smile at the prospect of my friends being the ones to push me towards Spencer. Yeah, it probably makes no sense but the thought alone brings a smile to my face. I kiss my fingers then place them on a picture of the three of us on his desk. "Sleep well, dream dreams and wake up, for the love of God wake up tomorrow." I say quietly, closing my eyes. I smile as I think of all the times Aiden said that before we got off the phone at night. It was corny then and Madison and I would pick at him for it, but what I'd give to hear him say it to me now. I leave his room, closing the door behind me and head downstairs.

"There she is!" My dad half shouts when I enter the dinning room. I shake my head as the group of adults all cheer for my arrival. Mr. Dennison, Mr. Duarte and my dad all start talking about baseball stats while the women discuss the recipes to the dishes they've each contributed. Tyler's looks up at me and shakes his head as I take a seat next to him. I feel you buddy.

This little makeshift family is crazy... every last one of them, but I wouldn't trade them for the world.

–

"I've missed you today." I greet Spencer with a kiss as she pulls me into the house.

"You have no idea." She smiles, hugging me.

"So what are we doing? You wanna go for a movie or something?" I ask, she drops her head looking timid. "Everything okay, Spence?" I question, pulling her head up to look at me.

"I know this is last minute and I know it's kind of selfish of me to ask but um... today is kind of the memorial for my brothers death and I didn't tell you because I know that you have a lot going on this week yourself and death is not really something that you're all that comfortable with, but I was wondering if you would come with us to go-"

"Yes." I cut her off, not even having to think about it.

A smile plays at her lips. "Really?"

"Yes." I nod. I pull her closer to me, taking her hands in mine. "Spencer you've been there for me in ways you will never understand. I was broken, I was shattered to pieces and you fixed me. You put me back together piece by piece and I will never be able to repay you for that. Anything you ever ask of me I'll do. No questions asked. Do you understand?" I try to make her realize how serious I am about what I'm saying. Spencer has been a Godsend. The least I can do is support her in a time of need, like she's done for me countless times.

"You're so amazing." She smiles, pulling me into a kiss.

"Ready to head out?" Her mom, dad and doc appear from... somewhere.

"Mhm..." Spencer nods. "Is it okay that Ashley comes?" She asks her parents.

"Of course." They nod. "Ashley is always welcomed."

"Thank you." I tell her parents as I grab Spencer's hand entangling her fingers in mine.

"I'm gonna ride with Ash." She tells her parents as we head out the door.

As I follow behind Spencer's parents on the way to honor Spencer's brother I realize she's never told me anything about his death.

"Spence." I say softly. She mumbles out an absentminded 'hmm?' as she plays with my fingers. "You never told me what happened to your brother." I say just as softly. I don't want to upset her or anything. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want, I was just wondering."

"No it's fine." She shakes her head, glancing up at me briefly. "He died in a car accident." She says after a moment. I sigh and shake my head. "What is it?" She questions. I turn to look at her briefly making sure to keep my eyes focused on the road.

"It's just my friends died in a car accident too." I purse my lips, feeling the sadness coming on.

"Curse these man made contraptions." Spencer says after a moment of silence, hitting my dashboard for emphasis. I can't help but smile at her. She looks at me, returning the smile. It's amazing how in such a short time she can sense when my mood is changing, read my mind and then say the right thing to make me feel better.

"Easy with Jessie, she's sensitive." I rub the spot Spencer just attacked. She turns to me with an amused look.

"You named your car, Jessie?" She quirks a brow. I alternate between her and the road.

"Yeah." I reply with a shrug. "And she's sensitive so I think you should apologize."

"I'm sorry Jessie." She rubs the spot she hit, leaning forward and kissing the dashboard. "Thank you so much for keeping my girlfriend safe whenever she drives you." She adds for good measure and I can't help but smile wider at the cuteness that is my girlfriend.

As we come to a stop I get this overwhelming feeling. Something isn't right. Spencer and I get out of the car, walking up to Mr. and Mrs. Carlin and Doc. This all feels too familiar.

"This is where your brother got into his accident?" I turn to Spencer and ask. She nods sadly.

"He was hit by a drunk driver, they ran the light." She points to the intersection.

What is happening right now?

"Spence do you know who hit him?" I ask, backing away from her a bit. She moves closer to me, confusion and concern written all over her face. I watch as her parents pull candles from the backseat of their car. Lighting four, one for each year they've been without their loved one.

"No." Spencer answers pulling me back to earth. I forgot what I even asked. "The records were sealed, something about protecting the identity of the people, I think they were minors or something." She shrugs as her dad comes over and hands each of us a candle. "Ashley are you okay?" She asks. I shake my head.

I'm not okay.

This street... this corner... this place... it's...

Oh my God!

–

_This isn't happening, this can't be happening. None of this is real. It's a bad dream that I'm going to wake up from any moment now._

_As I run into the hospital my heart is breaking. I know what's happened, I know cause it's all my fault. I left them, I left them and now._

"_I'm sorry." I bump into someone, not paying attention to where I'm going._

"_It's okay." Her voice comes out in a whisper but I can feel pain seeping from her. The same pain I feel. I glance up briefly, seeing a flash of blonde but I can't focus on the person I just crashed into. I can't focus on anything right now._

"_Two teenagers just came in, they were in a car accident." I tell the woman at the first desk I come to, she points to her right. I look at the hall, the word Emergency written over the entrance. I close my eyes, my breathing erratic as I turn and run down the hall that seems never ending. I flashback to the party in my head. What I could have done differently. What I should have done differently._

_I knew they were both drunk. I shouldn't have left them. No matter how mad I was at them, I should have stayed. They were my friends and I just left them. _

_I left them and now..._

"_Ashley." Mrs. Duarte's voice pulls me back to reality._

"_Are they..." I trail off, unable to even think the words. _

"_Aiden was driving." She pauses shaking her head. "He didn't make it." I close my eyes, taking in her words. _

"_No." I drop to the ground, or at least I would have if Maria wasn't holding me up. "Madison?" I look at her, barely able to make out her face through the blurriness. _

"_She's in surgery. I barely got to talk to her before they took her up." Her face contorts in pain with the realization of her words. Her daughter, her only child is in surgery right now, clinging to life._

"_This is all my fault." I tell her as the tears fall harder, because it is. "I left them, I just... I was so angry that I-"  
_

_"Don't you dare do that Ashley. This isn't your fault. You didn't force them to drink and drive. This is not on you!" Maria chides me. But no matter what she says it will always be my fault. Aiden is gone and Madison is... she's... I can't force myself to say the words. I continue to cry in Maria's arms as Aiden's mom and dad sob into each others arms. I need to go hug them, I need to tell them... I don't know, something. Something that would make them feel better. _

_My mind is blank. _

_I try to listen to the doctor that comes out a few moments later to talk to Maria but I can't hear anything. Everything is hazy. The shrill of a cry that leaves Mrs. Duarte's lips tell me everything that I need to know though. They're gone, they're both gone and there's nothing I can do to bring them back. There's no amount words I could string together that would make this okay. I faintly hear Aiden's mom ask the doctor about the other boy that was involved in the accident, but I don't hear what the doctor says as I wrap my arms around Maria this time. Pulling her into a tight hug. Aiden's mom and dad join us, all of us attempting to bring some sort of comfort to the other. _

"_The other boy didn't make it." Aiden's mom tells Maria. I look up to Madison's mom as her face contorts in horror. Her daughter and our best friend killed someone. Now I feel extra guilty. Not only did I get my friends killed, I got another boy killed, an innocent person. I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself. _

_I can't remember how long we stayed this way. Sobbing on the floor of the emergency room. All I remember is my mom and dad picking me up off the floor and taking me home. The days that followed would be the worst days of my life._

–

My eyes go wide with the realization. I hand Spencer the candle back shaking my head. This isn't happening right now. Please don't let her read my mind... my face...

Her face mirrors mine and I know it's too late. She's figured it out.

"It was your..." She trails off, the words dying in her throat as she stares at me, examining my face.

I hold a hand up, trying to touch her. She steps back. "Spencer it's not-"

"It was your friends. They got drunk and ran a red light, crashing into my brothers car. Wasn't it?" I can feel the tears building in my eyes. No matter what I say right now I'm gonna lose her. So it might as well be the truth.

"Yes." I nod, dropping my head. "I think so." I whisper. Her face contorts in pain. Her jaw slack. She's trying to find the words to say, anything to say. Much like I was doing on that night. But nothing comes out. Nothing ever comes out.

She shakes her head, backing away from me. "I can't be here right now. I can't be near you."

"Spencer I-"

"Did you know, this whole time?!" She half shouts, causing her parents and Doc to turn and look at us.

"No!" I shake my head quickly. "Of course not, Spencer. If I knew I would have told you. I swear I would have." I go to touch her again but she moves away.

"Spencer, is everything okay honey?" He dad questions.

"I wanna leave dad." She continues to back away from me.

"Spencer please. Let me explain." I don't know exactly what I'm going to explain but I need her to not leave me right now. I need her to understand this from my point of view. She's been so understanding up to this point, I guess there's a limit.

"No." She shakes her head. "Just go away." She waves me off, turning around completely and heading towards her parents car. Her parents and Doc stare at me, waiting for me to explain why their daughter/master is walking away in tears right now. But I can't speak. I don't want the first person I attempt to explain this to, to be her parents and dog instead of her. So I opt to shake my head and shrug then take off towards my car.

My heart breaks with each step.

I may have just lost the most amazing person in my life. And then another wave of guilt rushes over me when I realize I'm the reason for her and her parents pain all these years. Her brother... their son would still be here if I wouldn't have stormed out and abandoned my friends. If I hadn't of left them I could have saved all their lives. I could have... I close my eyes, stopping my movement for a moment. The night air whips through my hair, it's cool but not cold. I remember the breeze from that night as I walked away, as I abandoned two of the people I cared for most in this world.

I open my eyes, shaking it all away. Attempting at least. But it's still there and it's ten times worse than before. The guilt, anger and pain I felt before is now multiplied by a hundred. The thought that I'm the reason for the Carlins loss, the reason Spencer was so broken all those years...

I get into my car, tears blurring my vision. I look back to see the Carlin car is already gone. This can't be how it ends. I take a deep breath trying to calm my nerves. I need to figure this out. I need to find a way to make Spencer hear me out. She has to hear me out. I can't go forward with my life without her. My mind spins as I try to put the pieces together. I'm so distracted that I don't hear the horn blowing; the horn telling me to stop, the horn warning me of impending danger. I don't hear it and now it's too late.

My head hits the steering wheel and darkness takes over.


	18. Objects Closer Than They Appear

Switching it up. I hope you all enjoy. I know that accident was out of the blue but it was essential to the development of not only the characters but to the story itself. Please forgive me for causing you all heart attacks with that scene.

Also.. I don't know how many of you know about the petition to get south of nowhere back on tv in some capacity whether it be a movie or a TV show but there is a petition and it is legit. If you haven't already go to this site: the petitionsite dot com /813/127/413/we-want-south-of-nowhere-back-on-tv/ and go sign it. You won't be able to copy and paste the link because fanfic doesn't allow that anymore but you can just type it in. It'll only take a second and it's for a great cause so please if you have a moment do this for me would you :)

_ShardsOfRayne: I don't know. My girlfriend didn't see it coming until I told her either lol and she reads it before everyone so I guess I'm just pretty good at it. I'm sorry that you're heartbroken. Hopefully I'll make up for it soon._

_GuestyGuest: Surprise! Hope you weren't too taken aback lol. I don't wanna give anyone an popped vessel or heart attack here._

_FufuTheFallenAngel: I don't know. This story is completely centered around them though. Spencerlicous haha I like it. She definitely shouldn't have stormed away though cause you're right, she's gonna feel super guilty later on. Aw it's okay, I'm just glad that you're still with us. :)_

_a1721: You're welcome. Here's another one just for you ;)_

_NDFightingIrsihFan: I could have gone either way with her reaction I think. I feel like this one was better because it sets up what I wanted to do in future chapters and thats the only reason I chose to go this way with Spencer._

_Annais81: I really appreciate you taking the time to go back and review a chapter you missed. That shows some serious dedication right there. lol. Yes you did start both reviews the same way which is cool with me lol. I cannot discuss pretty much anything you talked about in your review. Lol. but when you read future chapters you will understand why I'm so creeped out by your review haha._

_IhEaRtSpAsHlEy: ha! I got your name down packed now. I only had to look back once to check it lol. I'm glad I caught you off guard, means I did my job. :)_

_cOmPeLLeDbyLoVE: Aw thank you so much. It definitely is heartbreaking a bit but its for a purpose not just to be doing something you know?_

_LadiiMouse: Aw well hello there! Nice to have you on this story as well. :) I'm so glad you decided to give my stuff a try. You have no idea how much it means to me. I ramble too sometimes so it's a-ok with me haha. I think you're right. Maybe she just needs to gather her thoughts._

_gina32: Epic? You're spoiling me here with all these amazing words you're throwing out to describe my chapters._

_Godlove: :) Thank you very much._

_googoo4u: I kinda figured you knew everything you've been on your game this whole story. I gotta keep you quiet though cause some others may not know lol. Fate definitely has its ways and though tragedy brought them together... we hope tragedy is not what tears them apart and that's allllll I can say hehehe._

_FlopFlip: Oh no don't die, here's another chapter for you!_

_ComeAlive: I forgive you for not reviewing. I must admit. I am too sometimes a silent reader but mostly because I don't have the time to sit down and write a proper review like I would like to. But I'm happy you're here now enjoying this FoF party! Woot!_

_Guest: Addicted? I like the sound of that._

_SONNOC: So it's like that? I give you that awesome FoF and now you got nothing to say? I see how it is. _

_L2GQ: No no no get your heart out of that trench!_

_DominoL: I don't think Spencer is actually mad at Ashley I think she's just a bit surprised and caught off guard but I see where you're coming from._

_sonfanatic- Well of course I won't make you wait on the edge of your seat too long... wouldn't want you to fall off lol. Here you go._

_Derpalicious: Well hi there, haven't seen you around in a while I missed you. :)_

_makebelieve1999: Good to hear. :)_

_bookworm848: You sure did call it and you're exactly right about Spencer's reaction. I'm glad you still love me and the future chapters make up for the huge cliffie. hehe._

* * *

_Spencer's POV_

"Spencer." My father's gruff voice pulls me from my thoughts. How did we get here? I've been so out of it that I didn't even notice the fact that we're all the way home. I turn to look at him, twirling the necklace Ashley gave me between my fingers. I didn't even realize I was doing that. I drop the necklace and squeeze my eyes in attempt to press the thoughts out of my head. I sigh heavily and rest my head against the back of the seat. We're in the driveway but none of us are moving. I feel their eyes on me and I know they are waiting for me to say something, anything. The thing is I don't even know what to say. Truthfully I'm not even sure what's happening right now. I'm hurt but I don't know exactly what for. I'm trying to piece together my emotions and logically come up with some valid reason why I'm as distraught as I am.

"Spencer do you want to tell us what happened back there, honey?" My mother chimes in. I look up, examining my parents' faces. They look concerned and the way Doc is gently nudging his head into my arm, he's trying to comfort me with his furry body and any other time I'd appreciate it but right now I just want to be left alone. I feel myself slowly descending to the place that I left so quickly when Ashley entered my life. I forget that my family is waiting for me speak so I give them an honest answer to their difficult question.

"Not really." I shake my head, opening the car door to exit. I can't really discuss this with my parent's right now. Even if I did I wouldn't know exactly what to say. How do I even tell them? Should I even tell them? They've both been healing so well and I don't want this new information to upset them. I feel my chest constricting and this pressure I'm putting on myself is exactly how it started last time. This pressure to be strong, to be visible so the loss of a child didn't become overwhelming is gradually building back up. I just got over that and now I don't know what to do. I need time to process.

How did I not figure it out? I pride myself on my attention to detail. I should have paid more attention to the details. I should have examined their graves better maybe the fact that they all died on the same day or how they died would've tipped me off. I got distracted and not realizing makes it so much worse. I'm smarter than that.

I stop, scanning my brain for an answer…any answer. I get out of the car and it's as if my family had been waiting on my initiation of movement because they all follow me. I hold the door open for Doc to jump out. All my movements are robotic and I'm moving with no life. I sigh as I walk up the driveway to the house, Doc at my side. I close my eyes, picturing her face. I shouldn't have stormed off the way I did. It wasn't fair to her, it wasn't fair to all that we've built over this past month and a half. I feel like I don't have a right to be mad at Ashley, yet I am. She wasn't driving the car, hell she wasn't even in the car but I can't help to feel the way I'm feeling right now. Does that make me a bad person? She's been blaming herself for so long maybe I'm blaming her for the same thing. I don't even know what that thing is. Yeah, I'm a bad person.

I'm trying to force my brain to stop thinking about all this, but it's not working. I walk into the house, trudge up the stairs and close the door to my room behind me. I hear Doc whimper on the other side but I don't even have the emotional capabilities to soothe him right now. I just want to feel better and move on and the only thing that's helping is the thought of Ashley. My eyes shoot open as I quickly realize something. I need to get back to Ashley, we need to talk about this. Running away from her was an awful idea because as bad as I'm hurting right now, I know she's ten times worse. A guilt that she's been carrying for so long has now possibly worsened and I didn't make things better. I reach for my phone and attempt to call her but it goes straight to voice mail.

I berate myself. She's probably ignoring me. I would ignore me too if I blew up on me for something I didn't do, or didn't realize until that moment. I drop onto my bed, stare at my ceiling. She's already blamed herself and now this too. I try again…voice mail I try to reason with myself. It was the shock, she can't be mad forever. I didn't know how to handle it, where to put this new information, the people she knew are the reason my brother is not here. Then again if it were the other way around would I still be arguing the same thing? If Glen hadn't of gone out for a late night Taco craving his car would have never been there, they probably wouldn't have gotten into an accident and they'd all be alive. Is that a stretch?

I call a third time, again her voice mail. I'm feeling pain for a different reason because now I just want to speak to her. I miss her. All these what ifs that are going through my head don't do anything. They just create new scenarios that would keep me in a depression I don't need to be in. I don't want to create new scenarios when Ashley leaves. Regretting the decision of not fixing things. I have to talk to her. I get up to grab my keys and decide I just need to go to Ashley. As I wrench the door open I jump slightly at my mother on the other side. I grab my heart and chuckle a little.

"Mom, you scared me." I finally get a good look at my mother and her face brings ice to my bones.

"Spencer…"

My mouth drops open slightly. My throat dries quickly. She's only said my name like this one other time.

_I look out my bedroom window waiting for Glen. He left to grab tacos. He was craving them and now he's out in the middle of the night grabbing an obnoxious amount of them I'm sure. I hope he hurries though because mom and dad will be mad if they know it's their car he took. I hear the house phone ring and some scuffling. I furrow my brows as I hear my mother shout hysterically. Her shouts become sobs and my father asks if she's okay in a panic. I walk out of my room to check on them. As I stand in front of their door my hand raised in midair I'm scared to move. I don't know what's waiting for me on the other side and I'm hoping Glen gets back soon because whatever is upsetting my mother this much she's going to need us all to comfort her._

_I knock on the door and I hear hurried footsteps. My mother opens the door; her face red, tears streaming down her face._

"_Mom are you alright?" I don't recognize my own voice. It's quivering with fear._

"_Spencer…"_

"Mom what's wrong?" She reaches out for my hand but I pull back.

She's trying to comfort me. Why is she trying to comfort me? I wish she'd just answer me with something other than my name.

"Mom!" I shout. I don't mean to it just happens that way. She comes off surprised and honestly so am I. I don't yell at my parents.

"It's Ashley."

My knees give out and just like that I'm on the ground. My mom's arms encircle me and just like a lot of things today; I don't realize the tears that are down my face until my mother wipes them away. I can't speak but the look I give my mother let's her know what I'm asking. She nods once calling for my father and Doc. My dad appears from somewhere, lifting me into his arms and carrying me downstairs to the car. I'm not a hundred percent sure what's happening right now. My mother didn't really give me anything but the way she said it's Ashley tells me everything I need to know.

Something has happened to Ashley and I can't help but feel guilty. If I hadn't of stormed off the way I did we'd both be back at my house, watching TV, holding hands and cherishing the time we have left together before she heads back overseas.

But no... I'm in a car right now on my way to what I'm assuming is the hospital. I close my eyes tightly praying that this is all just a dream, this isn't happening. None of this is real. I wish, but I know it is. These are the same wishes I wished for Glen and we know how that turned out.

–

"_I close my eyes and pray as my parent's and I make our way towards the hall the woman at the desk just told us Glen was on. This isn't happening. It isn't real. I try to hold it together as we rush forward. I lose grip on my fathers hand as a crowd of people past us. In the back of that crowd a brunette._

"_I'm sorry." She whispers as she bumps into me._

"_It's okay." I shake my head and reply barely above a whisper. It doesn't even seem like the words left my lips but the subtle nod of her head lets me know she heard me. I don't get a chance to really look at her face because right now I have somewhere to be. I have to go be with my parent's and comfort them. _

–

"She was in an accident." Mrs. Davies continues to explain to my parents. I can barely hear what she's saying though. Ashley ran a light and to avoid smashing into another car, to avoid hurting an innocent person she swerved her car into a tree. A head on collision with a tree to possibly save the life of another person, she sacrificed herself. Her own safety.

"Where is she?" I open my mouth finally, forcing the words out. I look around at all the people that have gathered for Ashley. The Dennisons are sitting together in a pair of chairs behind us, the Duarte's standing up next to them, her parents trying desperately to comfort one another while her little brother is laid out on a few of the chairs asleep. It's good they didn't wake him, I'm not sure how Ty would handle this and of course my family standing, waiting for the doctor to return. She has no idea how much she's loved.

How much I love her.

I was so stupid to run away.

"She's in surgery, they won't let anyone up right now." Mrs. Davies shakes her head, dropping her head into her hands but not before I catch a glimpse of her eyes and I can see the tears in them. She's trying to put on a brave face, much like I did that night with Glen.

I walk over to her and wrap my arms around her. I'm not sure what comes over me, the gesture catching her a bit off guard as well. "She's gonna be fine." I glance up at the taller brunette. "If there's anything I've learned about in the time that I've known her is that she's a fighter and she'll fight as hard as she can to get back to us. She loves you, every last one of you more than you'll ever know and she's grateful for all that you've done for her. She really is." I nod for emphasis as the Dennisons and Duartes make their way over to us.

"Ashley is so lucky to have found you." Mrs. Dennison nods, allowing a small smile to appear at her lips.

"No." I shake my head, looking around at the group of adults. "I'm the lucky one." I close my eyes as a tear falls down my cheeks. I'm trying to be strong but I can't. Not when it comes to her. A single tear turns into a wave and as I feel my knees get weak a set of arms wrap around me and then another set and another...

I'm warmed by the fact that so many people care for me, care for us. I barely know the Duartes or the Dennisons, but because Ashley loves me they're comforting me. I tried to be strong for all of them but they took the role from me. They're comforting me and the Davies. We're all huddled together. Christine's hand is gripping mine and her husband has his arm wrapped around her shoulder. We are just sitting quietly and I realize the connection we all have to each other and just how important Ashley is. How this probably doesn't affect me only. I'm the only one that knows though. I'm the only one that realizes that we've all been here before. That we've all lost someone this way. The universe has a real bullshit way of discerning déjà vu. I don't want to be here again. Waiting to see if someone I love is going to open their eyes again. Waiting to see if I'll hear their laugh again, or if I'll feel their touch again, it's not fair.

I look at each couple and then at the Davies. They don't deserve this, they don't need to know what it feels like to lose a child. They just got her back and I want to scream. I feel my face get red with anger. I let go of Christine's hand and excuse myself as calmly as I can. Everyone just looks at me and I back away from the group.

I push my legs to the limit as I speed out of the doors of the emergency room.

I don't care who is around or that they may end up looking but I run towards the grassy area and drop to my knees letting out a large long scream. It's agonizing. It rips through my throat, my chest is constricted, my fingernails dig into the palm of my hand. I run out of air and the power of it finally dies down. I sob. I thought I was done with that but apparently my emotions still have to reveal themselves in some way. My body shakes as I sob heavily. I feel a pair of hands on my back. I quickly turn around and though I didn't care if anyone saw me like this, this one matters most.

"Hey Tyler." I try to say as cheerfully as I can. He gives me a soft smile. His innocence in this whole thing makes it even harder to hold back my tears. They fall freely. "What are you doing out here bud?"

My voice is hoarse as I address him. I'm still on my knees and I attempt to get up but he just walks in front of me, wrapping his arms around my neck.

"You can keep crying if you want Spencer."

I choke out a pathetic laugh. A seven year old comforting me, how cute is he? That's too much responsibility at that age. Before I can do or say anything he drops into my lap and I instinctively wrap my arms around him.

"It's okay buddy I think I'm all cried out." I lie because there's a lump in my throat that's growing by the millisecond and it hurts the more I fight off the tears and attempt to talk. "How'd you get out here your parents must be worried."

I turn to look behind me to see if the Davies are searching out here for him. The last thing they need is to panic about another child. He grabs my face and looks me in my red puffy eyes.

"I told them I was going to the bathroom. I woke up and saw that you weren't with everyone. I came outside first to check because my dad says the best thing to do when you're upset is to get some fresh air, and I saw you." He looks at me deeply in the eyes and I swallow the lump in my throat. It's killing me.

"Do you know what's going on Ty?"

He looks at me as if I asked the stupidest question in the world.

"I'm smarter than people think I am. I know Ash is hurt but I also know that she's the strongest person ever. She also always keeps her promise, she told me she's coming back and I know she won't let us down. She won't let you down."

I assume he's referring to when she discussed her departure for her last tour with him but the level at which this kid thinks is extremely dumbfounding. Deep down I know Ashley is going to pull through. I believe in her. I believe in us.

"Thank you Tyler, that was really sweet of you to come out here and check on me."

"You'd do the same for me." He answers nonchalantly.

I smile and nod in agreement. I muster up the little bit of strength I have and push us both from off the ground. I keep him in my arms and we both hug each other tightly. I put him down and we walk back hand in hand into the hospital.

We make it back to the waiting room and take my seat back next to Mrs. Davies. Tyler climbs into my lap and rests his head on my shoulder. I fall into this peace when I realize I have so much of Ashley around me. Her little brother and her parents are pieces of her. They don't make up for who she is to me but for right now they'll do until I get her back.

I feel a gentle hand on my thigh and my eyes slowly open. I must've fallen asleep, drained from the myriad of emotions from this day. Mrs. Davies is looking at me and she turns her head. The doctor is coming. His white coat, green scrubs, and blank look on his face sends me back to that night.

"_Who is here for Glen Carlin?" My parents' and my head snap up in unison. The doctor is finally here to say something. After hours of not knowing anything, I debate if it's better to be ignorant. He has a blank look on his face and in that moment I despise the ability a doctor has to build suspense. Smile, frown, do something instead of looking like you have no ability to muster up an emotion. I swallow as we all get up and make our way over to the doctor with an amazing poker face. I shake my head again, wishing this moment away. I don't have to hear the words he says. When the scream leaves my mothers lips I know... I know that my brother is gone. Twenty-four years old and he's gone. I wanna cry. I wanna fall to the floor and break down but I know that I have to be strong for my parents because they've just lost one child, they shouldn't have to bury their emotions to comfort another. So I do the comforting as the doctor explains what happened._

_A drunk driver ran a red light and smashed into his car, the doctors did everything they could but his injuries were too severe._

_My face contorts in pain as I realize that I'll never see my big brother again. He just went for tacos. He was hungry and wanted some stupid tacos. I fight the tears that threaten to fall as I wrap my arms around my broken parents._

_No... right now I can't be anything but strong for them._

Tyler fell back asleep in my lap and I wonder if he woke up just to be my emotional savior. My father takes him gently and easily cradles him. I imagine how I must've looked when he carried me out of the house earlier. I stand up and Christine is holding her hand out for me. I take it and we all three walk closer to the doctor.

"What's the verdict doc?" Mr. Davies starts and I swear I hold my breath. I may pass out if he takes any longer to answer.

"Well…"


	19. Saying Goodbye

I think this is by far the shortest chapter in this story. I am so sorry that I can't FoF individually as I'm about to head out to eat with my family. You guys were so amazing that I wanted to get this chapter out quickly. My gf isn't happy with me about it btw lol. I can answer a few questions though: No one has overstepped or hurt my feelings in any of their reviews so id I made it seem that way at all I apologize because that's not the case. Most of you are pretty creepy at how much you knew before I ever posted it lol. But I guess that's just you guys knowing the writer yes?

I'm sorry I left the last two chapters with cliffhangers they're so fun though. As for Tyler he is the way he is because he is exactly how my seven year old nephew is and I mean to a T. My nephew is wise well beyond his years like Ty.

I sincerely appreciate every single word you all take the time to write to me and thank you so much for reading my stories. :)

* * *

I take a sharp breath gathering as much as I can into my lungs. My eyes slowly open and I see the sun peeking through the trees. How'd I get here? I slowly sit up, confirming my surroundings. The last thing I remember was getting into my car and going after Spencer. I carefully push myself off the ground, it's clear something happened. I am not supposed to be waking up in my spot. I'm clearly out of it.

I take in my surroundings; how warm the sun that's peeking through the trees feel, the sound of the water running through the creek, the green grass.

"You need to leave." I snap my head in the direction of her voice.

"I don't even know how I got here."

"Doesn't matter how you got here as long as you don't stay." She's walking closer to me. It feels different this time though. It's not like all the other times where I've imagined Madison in front of me it's like she's actually here... right in front of me.

She's only inches away, her arms crossed over her chest, her hazel eyes burning a hole into my face. I inhale deeply and I can actually smell her. I'm tripping out right now. I slowly lift my arm to touch her and she smacks it away. I felt it!

"What the hell is happening right now!" I scamper back because Madison can't be touching me. She's dead! In my attempt to get away from the girl that I wanted nothing more than to be close to again, I fall backwards but I don't land on the ground; I'm caught in burly arms I used to know so well. He laughs and my heart is racing. I'm truly terrified. This is the type of stuff that gets people into strait jackets and lifting their tongues to show nurses they took their pills.

This is a dream.

Isn't it?

"You're not dreaming." Aiden tells me. Get out of my head Aiden. He mumbles a sorry and my eyes widen in horror.

"Someone tell me what the hell is going on!" I shout as I jump out of his arms. "You guys are dead! I went to your graves, I carried guilt, I…I…"

"I told you she'd freak out." I hear a voice that isn't familiar to me. He appears on the other side of the creek. He waves at me and I don't know why but I wave back. He smiles and it looks so much like Spencer's.

"I'm assuming I don't have to introduce myself." He says as he hops from one boulder to another to join me and my apparently not dead best friends. I just shake my head. I can't speak. Apparently I don't need to because they can read my thoughts.

"Glen." I answer knowingly.

"In the flesh!" He presents himself and spreads his arms out bowing a little. He pops back up and smirks. "Well I mean not really in the flesh but you get what I mean."

"No… no I don't actually."

"Can we stop pussyfooting around? She needs to leave before it's too late." Madison orders as she sits on a rock and leans back against her hands.

"Mads calm down we have time, stop being such a brat." Aiden orders then looks at me. "We have to clear stuff up for her."

"Yes please do." I'm not calm I sound calm but the rate at which my heart is beating is astronomical.

"Well…" Glen starts then clears his throat. "You're in limbo and we're just here to ya know send you on back." His voice is so friendly and warm. The way he talks shows off this nonchalant persona. His humor is audible.

"Yeah Ash people need you. You need them." Aiden adds. He smiles at me and I forgot just how much it warms me up.

"You're stronger than this, you can't let a tree be the end of you. If you stay here and miss your chance I'm gonna kill you." I smirk at her words. She was always so hostile. Her feistiness was always so appealing.

"I'm sorry that…" I try to apologize for my friends to Glen, he shakes his head and places his hand on my shoulder.

"Aiden apologized enough for all three of you…I think he'll go eternity doing so. Just take care of my sister. She really loves you."

"I love her too." I say honestly, I steal a quick glance at Madison and her eyes are nowhere in my direction.

"I know, I kind of got that the other day when you were at our spot." He laughs softly and removes his hand.

"I miss you guys." I tell them. Madison gives Aiden and Glen a look and I know what she's telling them. She's telling them that I need to leave. But I can't go yet, I just got here. I'm here and I see them and I can touch them and... I just can't go yet. I have so much to say to them. So much I need to get out.

I open my mouth to start... to say something... anything, but nothing comes out.

"You've said everything you need to say." Madison explains. "You don't need to apologize, feel guilt, regret, or anything. We're with you all the time. You can feel us because you're fighting for your life right now. You're too close to being what we are and I need you not to be." She moves closer to me, finally allowing her eyes to fall on mine. God, how I've missed those eyes. "You need to go back right now. Say you're goodbyes, your I love yous and get your hugs until your time comes again. It's not right now though. I didn't fall in love with a weak person, you're a fighter and I need you to fight. I wasn't as strong as you and maybe that's how it was meant to be. Don't feel bad, you're happy so we're happy." She finishes off with her natural smirk and my heart clenches. I pull her into me, wrapping my arms around her tightly. I close my eyes, relishing this moment. She feels amazing. It feels amazing to hold her again. The girl I loved for so long... I didn't think I'd get to do this. But as amazing as she feels I know in my heart that Spencer is the girl I was always meant to love.

I let her go and she gives me a soft kiss on the lips. It's gone before I even realize that it happened. I touch my lips and give a sad smile. This is goodbye. I turn to Aiden and he pulls me into a giant bear hug. He lets go after I pat his back and laughs softly. He apologizes and I honestly wouldn't mind if he hadn't. It felt nice. I turn to Glen and hug a man I never got to meet.

His arms aren't as burly as Aiden's but his embrace is just as inviting. I take in his scent he smells a bit like the salt air from the beach mixed with coconut, a scent that was in his wax for his surfboard. His hug gets a bit tighter towards the end then he lets go.

"Thanks for being there for her." He tells me and I just nod.

"Now seriously it's time for you to leave." I look at the girl who never got to be mine, but I know she's only rushing me to get to the one I want to be with.

"And how exactly do I leave?" I ask looking around.

"Walk away from us." Aiden says simply.

"But you can't look back." Madison adds, giving me a sad smile. She's telling me that I have to let them go. Not that I can't ever think of them or miss them, just that I have to move forward with my life in order to live.

I take one final look at all of them and then turn to walk the path that I'd walk if this were reality. I walk forward, off the beaten path back to what I've fought so hard to get. I got it once and I'll get it again. I won't give up.


	20. Victim of Love

I seriously freaking love you guys... and that's all I have to say lol.

NDFightingIrishFan: I'm sorry I worried you with the title. I didn't even think about that when I was thinking of the title. So my apologies. I'm so glad you liked the chapter and we definitely couldn't have Ashley staying in Limbo. She has to get back to her woman!

dumle2209: Aw you're welcome. Wow, did I seriously post three chapters in one day haha. I sure do have a problem. Glen does seem like he was a really awesome big brother. Thank you, I did have fun out to eat. Hope you enjoy this chapter as well.

southfan12191989: I think that was as real as they get. Ashley's body may not have been in limbo but her spirit was and that's what really matters right?

munch-in92: Well hello there. Thank you for taking the time to write me and let me know that you're enjoying this story and for calling me a great writer it means so much! Every few hours huh?

lyricsofmyheart: It's okay that it's your first time reviewing, I'm just happy that you're enjoying the story.

SONNOC: It is not 17 stop it lol. I will be pming you missy!

ShardsOfRayne: Lol but it's so fun! Aw let's not talk about this ending yet. It makes me sad as well.

dani: It's okay that you don't know what to say. I like hearing random thoughts. Don't worry about the translation. I tend to read between the lines and know what people are thinking sometimes. They definitely will be stronger after this.

L2GQ: Exactly! It's hard to move on when you never got the chance to say goodbye to your loved ones. :) Now that Ashley has that closer it'll be easier.

FufuTheFallenAngel: Mhm. Closure is definitely what she got from this experience. I'm sure she wish she could have got it some other way but that was the only way. Addictive? Seriously I love the words you guys use to describe my writing. It makes me smile so much. No I don't mind you asking haha. I'm 25 years young cause most of the time I still act like a kid lol.

Annais81: No it's okay you're creepy in a good way haha. Is that even possible? Oh Ashley was definitely freaking out but I think she kept it on the inside because ultimately she was able to see her friends again. Ah you like Spencer's POV so you'll love this chapter. hehe. You don't have to apologize because if my nephew wasn't the way he was, I honestly would never believe that a seven year old is capable of such emotions. My nephew continues to surprise me daily with the things that he says. It's crazy. I'm excited for the future too. :)

ReaSoNs2Fall: Whoaaaaaaaa you got five chapters in one day? lucky you lol. I wish my fav stories would be updated like that. That was what Aiden was referring to, at that point it was only Ashleys subconscious trying to connect the dots for her. She met Spencer in passing at the hospital and didn't know it.

bookworm848: She definitely has started to move forward, she needed this time with her friends and even Glen so her relationship with Spencer could be stronger. Sorry I posted too fast for you to review lol. You want me to slow down hehe.

guest: Well thank you very much. This story is quickly becoming one of my favorites out of all my stories so I'm happy you all feel the same.

googoo4u: Thank you so much! :)

jsquare: I'm so glad that I have inspired you to continue your story. I am happy to be an inspiration you you period. I hope future chapters are able to do the same. You're awesome! :)

Chillaxin1: Heeeeeey. Glad you're back and happy that you're enjoying the story. Lol my cliffhangers are the best haha. I hate them too though that's why I post so much hehe.

* * *

Spencer's POV

"Well..." The doctor pauses. I hold my breath as I await his answer. I hate when doctors do this. Just tell me, don't prolong my agony. I look around the room at the group of people who care for Ashley the most. It seems like we're all holding our breath waiting for the news. I shut my eyes tightly when I see the doctor opening his mouth again. I need this to be good news, I can't take anything else.

–

_Another late night visit to see my brother. I've been doing this a lot lately. As the anniversary of his death gets closer I can't help but want to be closer to him. I'd normally feel closest to him at our spot but earlier today I just didn't feel it. So I'm here, next to his grave asking him to come back to me._

_I've been here for over two hours when I glance over to my left and see a brunette bending down in front of a grave. She's crying, much like everyone does when they're in a graveyard. I glance down at the pack of tissues in my hand, lifting myself off the ground I make my way over to her._

"_Um, excuse me..." I say and it's clear I startle the girl because she stumbles backward into a grave. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..."I bite my lip to hide my embarrassment. I didn't mean to scare her. "Here." I hold out the pack of tissues for her to wipe her face but she opts to use her shirt. "Or that works." I force a smile, looking at her then down at the grave she's sitting in front of. I don't know what comes over me but I sit down across from her. "I used to come here every day when my brother first died four years ago, thinking it'd make it easier, like if I came to see him every day it'd be like he wasn't gone at all. But I was fooling myself. It didn't make it easier at all. If anything it only reminded me of all the things I missed about him. His laugh, his smile, his inability to spell even the simplest of words correctly." I smile at the memory of my brother. "It never really gets easier if I'm being honest, but I know I'll see him again one day so it makes it just a little bit less painful."_

"_I'm sorry about your brother." She says wiping her face. I didn't tell her any of that to get her sympathy, I'm not exactly sure what I was expecting to be honest._

"_And I'm sorry about..." I trail off, waiting for her to fill in the blank._

"_My best friends." She says. Plural?_

"_Friends?"_

_She nods and points to the two grave stones in front of her. "Aiden and Madison." I briefly glance at the grave stones. I don't know what to say, she's lost two people and anything I say right now won't bring them back._

"_Well you'll see them both again one day." She half smiles before standing and helping me to my feet. "I'm Spencer."_

"_I'm Ashley."_

"_Nice to meet you Ashley." I give her a soft smile as we turn and head out of the graveyard._

"_You too Spencer." She returns the smile but I know she's forcing it. I can tell._

"_So, I guess I'll see you around then." I grab my keys from my pocket with the intention of just turning and heading home but something comes over me and I ask her a crazy question."Unless you want to give me your number." When her eyes go wide I feel my heart rate pick up and I know I've screwed up. I shouldn't have been so forward. I must seem like a creeper right now. "I mean...no..." I shake my head and try to explain myself, tripping over my words. I cannot believe this is happening. I'm not usually like this. I roll my eyes at myself and say, "God that was awful, almost as bad as the pick-up line 'come here often?' I'm gonna just go." I thumb towards her car. "It was really nice meeting you Ashley."_

"_Here, let me have this." She says, grabbing my phone from hand. "Call me when you've calmed down. Nice meeting you too, Spencer." She says, turning and getting into her car. I stare down at the screen wondering who this girl is that's so quickly bringing a smile to my face, speeding up my heart rate, and making me trip over my words. I smile and get into my car. I don't know who she is but I definitely plan on finding out._

–

"Your daughter made it through surgery." He finally says and I hear everyone release a sigh of relief. I still don't open my eyes though, I know there's more. "We're not out of the woods yet though. When she crashed into the tree she hit her head pretty hard. She's concussed and still unconscious. She also has four broken ribs and a broken leg."

I contort my face in pain at the news. She's hurt... she's hurt because I walked away and she feared losing me.

"Can we see her?" Her mother asks. I don't hear anything so I open my eyes just as the doctor finishes nodding.

"But only two at a time." He adds. "Right this way." He escorts Ashley's parents to see her. I close my eyes again, swallowing the lemon in my throat. I don't want to think right now, don't know what to feel, how to act.

I back away from the crowd and drop into an empty seat. I watch as each couple comforts each other and for the first time since Ashley, I feel alone again. I stare off into space and try to feel her again, I know she'll be okay. I have hope but a part of me is fighting to believe otherwise. I have more faith in my girlfriend than that so I fight off the negative thoughts and think about her.

_I look around the small coffee shop in search of the brunette who is quickly growing on me. I see her towards the back and I notice her hand in the air. I walk over and try my best not to skip. I'm excited she asked me out for coffee. I'm glad that she's taking a step forward because I didn't want to become overwhelming. I know when my brother first passed people were forcing me to get out and do things. I grew to resent them because I just wanted to be left alone. The only person that really got it was Chelsea. She just spent time with me, didn't talk unless I talked to her, didn't do that annoying idle conversation that people do to fill the awkward silence, then there was Carmen. Who just led me down this dark hole because it made her feel better about herself._

_Ashley though , she's good at not allowing her emotions be a burden and because she does that, I know that she needs to confront them. If she wants me to be that person she can open up to, I will be because everyone deserves to heal. Everyone deserves to live, we only get one life and there's something about her that's making me want to live mine. Not that I wasn't before but I was just going through the motions of life and the moment I saw her in the cemetery something happened when she took my phone. I was looking forward to the next day instead of just knowing it was coming and getting through it. _

_I sit down and she smiles, she doesn't think I see it behind her coffee. I find her absolutely adorable. I greet her with a good morning and she responds quickly. That thing I hate so much, awkward silence, makes it's way over and I slightly panic because everything I couldn't stand about people who forced their company on me is now happening. I quickly calm myself down and act the way she makes me feel. Comfortable _

_I joke with her, tease her, learn about her, and without hesitation I talk to her about the things that I haven't reminisced with anyone else. I tell her stories about Glen. I haven't even really done this with Chelsea, or my parents. They'll talk about him but I wouldn't share my memories.; it hurt to do so. With her, she makes it the most natural thing in the world. In this moment I feel myself grow more than I have over the past four years. _

"_So you just take a chance on everything?" _

"_Only on the things that are worth it."_

She's worth it. She's worth letting go of anger, letting go of resentment. She's worth so much and I need her to be okay. I don't know what I'm going to find once I go inside and finally see her. I look up as Raife comes back into the waiting room with Tyler in his arms. The little guy fell asleep again. He walks over to me and readjusts his son his arms.

"Hey Spencer, how you holding up?" I shake my head and give him a sad smile,

"I should be asking you that."

"Yeah well I asked you first." I feel my eyes burn slightly with the threat of tears. He shouldn't be comforting me. I try to speak but this lemon in my throat is trapping words from escaping. I look at him helplessly and I stare into his eyes. They are so much like Ashley's. I swallow down hard, the action extremely painful. I swallow down the hurt and it's burning my chest.

"I've been better." I finally force out. I don't recognize my voice. It's true, I have been better, my best self is when I'm around her.

He just nods and I know he understands the meaning behind it but not the extent of truth that lies behind it. He holds out his wrist.

"Take the bracelet I've gotta take Ty home, get him into bed. Family gets a different bracelet than other visitors. You can stay overnight with her if you'd like. "

He sees me open my mouth to fight him on that and his look turns stern. It's obvious he's not really asking. He knows I'd want to stay, so I take bracelet from his wrist and put it on mine. I stand up and hug him tightly, trying my best not to squeeze Tyler awake. His gruff voice fills my ear as he tells me, "You are part of our family."

A rebel tear manages to roll from the corner of my eye down my cheek. I force out a 'thank you.' He rubs my back and we let each other go. I notice my parents looking at us, my mother is smiling tiredly. He tells everyone goodbye and leaves to take his son home. I sit next to my parents looking at the visitor bracelet her father just gave me. It warms my heart and I realize that he hasn't mentioned her state.  
I don't know if the lack of notification is a good or bad thing. Just as I fight off the slew of negative questions I see Christine. She tells the Duarte's to go on up and takes a seat next to me. I take her hand and she squeezes it thankfully. I just go back to waiting and get lost in my memories of her.

–

_I stay as far behind as I can, giving her space but letting her know I'm here if she needs me. I didn't have anyone with me when I found my spot with Glen. Now that I think about it I'm not sure if someone else's presence would have made things more bearable or not. I will be here for her as she goes through this because I like knowing I'm not on my own. I'll just make sure she knows that she's not. I see her pace slow down and then she stops. I take this time to quietly back away and give her a chance to do what she needs. I go back to the car and wait. I understand that it takes time and I've grown to be patient. I understand that emotional healing isn't an overnight thing so I do what a lot of people aren't capable of doing; I wait. _

_Writing down thoughts, ideas, and emotions allows me to pass the time. I remember when I found my spot with Glen. How much I cried, how tired I became but most of all how thirsty I was, all the crying dehydrates you and I hate to bother her but I want her to be okay. I go over to the snack stand that's by the entrance of the park and buy her a water. I take my time to get to her and I over hear her talking. I get closer to her and place a gentle hand on her back. Her body stiffens as she turns to see who it is. I hand her the bottle of water as I apologize. She tries to leave but I know that she could still go for a little longer. I'm in no rush and I tell her so. She argues that she doesn't want me just to wait around and without hesitation I tell her something she doesn't expect. _

"_I'd wait any amount of time for you." _

–

I'm not sure how much time has passed. In moments like these, time doesn't really agree with you. It can feel like hours and only be seconds, so I don't bother to look at the numbers that control the pace of how people are supposed to live life. The Duartes came and went, so have the Dennisons, giving their love and support advising Christine they are here if she needs them. The four of them look at me and inform me of the same thing. These acquaintances are loving me as if Ashley and I have been together for an eternity. I think about what Chelsea told me when she informed me that she grilled Ashley the first night. Love knows no time. I thank them for their graciousness and they leave. My parents tell me they'll be right back. I know Ashley has stolen their hearts as quickly as she's stolen mine.

I sit quietly with Christine and she sniffles. I look over to her and she has a small smile on her face.

"Are you okay?"

"I know she's going to get through this." I nod because I agree but Christine further explains her belief. "When she came home, she was already running off and the night she got back after meeting you I believe there was already something different in her eyes. She told me she'd talk to someone and Ashley is a woman of her word. That's what I've always admired about her and she's stubborn as hell. That's why I know she'll come back. She's got something to fight for."

"Yeah you and Mr. Davies and Ty…" I list the names and she's looking at me a certain way. I stop and she shakes her head.

"She has us it's true but she'll fight the hardest because it's for you. You've given me back my daughter once and you'll do it again."

I would feel pressure if the person fighting was anyone else but because it's Ashley I only smile, blushing slightly because I know in my heart if it were the other way around I'd fight for her too.

My parents return and I stand up. They look at me and smile softly. No one is telling me how she's doing and I know I can't avoid knowing for much longer.

"Do you want us to wait for you sweetheart?" My mother asks me, I just shake my head gently.

"I'm gonna stay."

My father gives me a kiss atop my head, then my mother embraces me. I over hear Christine ask my parents for a ride home. I look at her and she just bows her head at me.

"She's in great hands. I trust you with her I'll be back in a few hours."

I just nod, she tells me the room number and I watch as all three of them walk away. I see my mom loop her arm with Christine's and the brunette drops her head on my mother's shoulder. I'm grateful for the bond that they have. I take a deep breath and walk in the direction I've seen everyone go in. I stare down the long hallway. I'm ready.

–

"_Today is starting out pretty great. I've watched the sunrise with my brother and come home to Ashley standing in my foyer with my dad and dog. I smile brightly at her, her presence a welcomed one. I greet my dad and my dog, saving my greeting for Ashley last. I really want to kiss her right now. My dad makes a big deal of her presence and I chuckle at him. _

_My dad leaves giving us space and I silently thank him as we both take a seat on the steps. I can tell by the way she's dressed and the lack of car in the driveway that she ran here. My heart swells as she apologizes for dropping by unannounced. I tell her there's no need for apologies but she apologizes for what happened yesterday anyways. She doesn't have to apologize. I understand exactly what she's going through. Well maybe not exactly, but I do get it. _

"_Where did you come from?" She asks and I can't help but chuckle at her cuteness. "No seriously because I can't be this lucky to have found someone as amazing as you, as patient, sweet, smart, and beautiful." I'm a little caught off guard by her choice of words and I have to force myself not to grin like an idiot. I blush and turn away from her as she moves up to the step I'm on. "I like you Spencer." She starts with a smile and that's really all I need to hear although she tells me so much more. She has no idea how much it means to me to hear these words from her. I knew there was something about her the moment I met her and now I know she feels the exact same way as I do. I can't help but smile as I tell her exactly how I'm feeling. Everything she's saying to me is all I've wanted and I want her to know that I'm ready. I'm ready for whatever we are... whatever we are destined to become. _

–

I stand outside of Ashley's room, trying to will myself to go inside. No one told me what I'd be walking into and I still don't know if that was a good or bad thing. I take a deep breath, inhaling as much oxygen as I can because I hold my breath as I place a hand on the door knob, turning it to go inside. I release the breath when I see her and fight the tears that have been threatening me the past half hour.

I close my eyes, I hate seeing her like this.

I swallow the lemon in my throat and move closer to her. The beeps from the machine matching my stride. I force my eyes open, shaking my head. This isn't how I was supposed to tell her. Not how I planned on telling her but she needs to know. She has to know.

–

_I head over to Ashley's after getting a call from Carmen telling me that Ashley punched her. I couldn't help the smile that appeared on my lips at hearing that news but I know this is serious. Carmen is as vindictive as ever and I know she's going to try to press charges against Ashley. I swiftly talk her out of her out of it. She tells me to keep my crazy ass girl away from her and I assure her that her and Ashley won't see each other again anytime soon. _

_I pull up in front of Ashley's, her mom lets me in and I head up to her room. As I'm about to knock on her door I get a text from her. I smile at the message, but put back on my stern face as I open her door and reply to the text vocally. She looks surprised to see me, I explain that her mom let me in, how I heard about the fight and that I also got Carmen to not press charges. We banter a bit before her mom comes up and invites me to dinner. I happily accept and turn back to my girlfriend. She makes a comment about her mother and I tell her how much I love her mom. She makes a disgusted face before kissing me. _

_Suddenly things turn serious... I turn serious. There's something I need to tell her and I'm not sure how she's going to react. I swallow thickly before just spitting it out. I'm not expecting her to say it back, I know that we haven't known each other exceptionally long but I've always been a firm believer in going after the things you want and not backing down. _

_I'm happily surprised when she tells me that she thinks she's falling in love with me too. The smile that spreads across my lips threaten to rip my cheeks in two but I don't care. The girl I'm falling in love with is falling in love with me too..._

–

I didn't know for sure then but I know for sure now. I sit down in the chair next to her bed, grabbing her hand in mine.

"I love you, Ashley." I don't whisper it but I don't shout it either. I say it loud enough so she can hear me and it can resound in her mind. I need her to know that I love her. That she's so loved and... "I need you to come back to me. I need you here with me. I only just found you. I can't-" I stop, the words dying in my throat. I listen to the beeping of the machines as I stare at her motionless body. A tube down her throat, bandage on her head, leg in a cast and a wrap around her torso. I close my eyes tightly. I need to finish this. To tell her how I feel. "You can't go anywhere." My eyes snap open. "You can't leave me because you have so much to live for. So many people that love you. I love you." I say again, staring down at her.

–

"_Good boy." I tell Doc, rubbing behind his ears before giving him a treat. I look up from my dog and I can't believe my luck. Or maybe I can, seeing as though this isn't the normal park I usually walk him in since it's over fifteen minutes from my house and there's one literally ten steps away. Okay maybe I'm stalking her. She looked like the type that ran and I know this park has amazing trails to run so I just took and chance and look I was right! I watch as Ashley runs towards us, I need to come up with a plan. A way to get her attention without seeming like a creeper. Then it comes to me. I bend down in front Doc, looking him square in the eyes. _

"_Listen really carefully Doc." I tell him and his ears shoot up like I have his full attention. "You see that girl over there." I subtly point and he looks at Ashley then back to me. "I want you to go and distract her so she'll stop running. If you do this, I'll give you all the treats your little doggie appetite can handle. Got it?" I question and he barks letting me know he understands. "Good boy." I rub him and give him a treat. "Now go get her." I send him off and he runs off to do his job. But before he gets there Ashley trips and falls. _

_My eyes go wide in horror, oh no! What if she's hurt?! I run after my dog, yelling his name like he'd broken loose on his own. When I reach her I smile as we easily fall into conversation. I admire her tattoo's as she tells me the history behind each when I realize she's hurt. I make her come back to my car so I can bandage her up. While I'm bandaging her there's a brief moment where we connect eyes. Something inside me warms and my heart swells. I think that's when I knew... it was early and I barely knew her but I could feel something inside of me growing. _

–

"I think I always knew I would love you." I smile as I remember one of the many memories Ashley and I have created together. "But can I be totally honest with you about something?" I ask, leaning forward to whisper to her like this is a secret only meant for her ears. "I was terrified when you asked me to go with you to the Dennison's house for dinner." I tell her honestly, chuckling a bit as I sit back, remembering how I had a conversation with Doc that day asking him for his advice on how to act once I got there. I was happy that you asked me to come with you. I think I was more afraid of that dinner than I was to have dinner with your family." I continue to chuckle. "But it ended up being amazing. I was so happy to be there for you. I'll always be there for you." I say as I stop chuckling. "I'll always be around when you need me. I'm here, Ashley." I lean closer to her and whisper. "I'm here." I close my eyes and lean my head against her.

I sit back, pulling my notebook from my back pocket. "I want to read you something." I tell her opening up to the page. I clear my throat unnecessarily before I start. "_I never thought that I'd love again, that something so pure and perfect would ever make it's way into my life."_ I stop and glance up at her. Sighing before starting again. _"Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve you, to have someone so amazingly perfect in my life. Someone that makes me happy in every way possible. Then I start to think what if the love I thought I knew before wasn't love at all? What if there's only ever one person you can truly love? If that's true then I know I've never known love because what I feel for you I've never felt for anyone. I believe wholeheartedly that you and I were put on this earth for each other and things are working out exactly as they were always meant to."_ I finish, closing the book.

"This isn't how the story ends." I look up at her as I place my notebook on the bedside table. "This isn't our story Ashley." I can feel myself getting angry, not really at her but more so at myself for the last thing I said to her.

–

_Ashley's doing that thing again where she stares off into space like she's remembering something and usually I think it's adorable but right now the look on her face is telling me this isn't a good memory. When we got out of the car she seemed weird, looking around like all this looked familiar. I narrow my eyes as I stare at her and when her eyes go wide I figure it out. This corner looks familiar because it is. I'm not entirely sure how I put the pieces together but I know what happened. _

"_It was your..." I stop myself, unable to get the words out as they die in my throat. I need this to not be real. She reaches out for me and I surprise myself when I step back. Why am I so angry at her? Do I have a right to be? She tries to explain something to me but I can't hear it right now. I need to know. I need her to tell me definitively what I'm thinking is true. "It was your friends. They got drunk and ran a red light, crashing into my brothers car. Wasn't it?" _

"_Yes." She nods, dropping her head. The shock of the words punch me in the chest as I try to think of something to say, anything to say..._

"_I can't be here right now. I can't be near you." I tell her as I back my way towards the car. Her presence right now is throwing me off. _

"_Spencer I-"_

_"Did you know, this whole time?!"_

"_No!" She tells me quickly and the look on her face lets me know that she's telling the truth. "Of course not, Spencer. If I knew I would have told you. I swear I would have." She reaches out to touch me again but I can't. I can't be here right now. _

"_Spencer, is everything okay honey?" My dad asks. What do I say? Ashley's friends killed my brother... your son?_

"_I wanna leave dad." I tell him as I continue to back away from her. She begs me to let her explain but I can't hear her out right now. I can't be here. "No." I shake my head. "Just go away." _

–

"Please wake up, Ashley." I shake her gently. "Those can't be my last words to you. My last actions you have of me can't be of me walking away. Of me deserting you because I would never do that." I explain as the anger grows within me. "You need to wake up." I stand, looking down at her. "You need to be okay, we need to be okay. I won't accept this as my reality." I clench my jaw as I fight the wave of tears that threaten to fall. I take a deep breath and let it out, releasing the anger in the process. I sit back down in the chair, scooting it as close to the bed as it'll get.

"I love you." I kiss her hand, wrapping my right arm gently over her thighs. "I would die for you, Ashley." I whisper. "Without a second thought I would, but I can't live _for_ you... so I need you to come back. I need you to come back to me and I need you to live. Please." I say barely audible as sleep takes me over.


	21. Holding On and Letting Go

I'm glad everyone enjoyed Spencer's POV. It was a blast doing her Pov so... maybe I'll do it again. :)

dumle2209: Oh no, don't start your day off with tears. I don't think that's a very good way to start. Spencer's POV was a bit difficult to write at first because once your mind starts with one character it kind of stays in the mind of that character. But I think... I hope it came out alright. I love that you read this before you left for work but don't be making me make you late lol.

L2GQ: Lol that's why Doc always under Spencer, he's like where are these infinite doggie treats I was promised haha.

LadiiMouse: No don't be dying over there. Here use this chapter as your defibrillator to get that heart going again. :)

ShardsOfRayne: Ohhh I like goosebumps hehe. I'm happy you liked everything in Spencer's pov. Since it was such a hit, I think I'll do it again. AHAHAAH. I love that you're planning my life out right now it's so awesome. Let's finish up this story and see where to go from there haha.

googoo4u: Thank you so much. You PM was so awesome haha! You may be on to something here but I can't disclose just yet.

ReaSoNs2Fall: All your questions happen to be answered in this chapter. Cause I know you like that lol

bookworm848: Hey hey hey. Whoa, that was very fat albert of me lol. Anyways, you're doing a stand up job at getting your reviews out in a timely manner do not worry about that darling.

Godlove: Thank you. :) I love you for loving this story.

Anjela78: Although I had to use a translator to know what you were saying that was still one of the most awesome comments ever. Thank you so much for wishing me inspiration. I am glad this story has touched you and I'm glad that you enjoy it. :)

a1721: Lol, I'm glad I didn't wait too long to post it then, your patience may have run out. I think I may give you all a glimpse into that side of Ashley.

gina32: Aw, thank you so much. I think I'm hoping to get published one day now. I wasn't at first I was really honestly doing this all or fun but now that people are really enjoying them, I would love to see what a career in writing could be like.

Annais81: Aw see if I didn't love you before I do now. It's so awesome that your gf would do that. She seems like an awesome person and you can tell her for me that I love her for taking care of one of my favorite readers, kay? I think that details pretty much make the story and without them, there's just dialogue. It's important to feel in the moment and that's what I try to do for my readers. Lol the whole trigger thing, I actually read it as trigger first then triggerfinger when you pointed it out. I was like oh, I didn't even see that. haha. I don't know if it's easy to fall in love with me. I'm a bit much too handle according to some people haha. Lol, my nephew goes around telling people that I'm his mom because he says that I'm the most awesome auntie anyone could ever have and that I make him feel like he can do anything. I was like... booooy are you even real? lmao. Yes! Let's get them to meet haha. That would be awesome.

totaleclipse9110: Thank you so much! Here's the next chapter for you. :) You can get back to your stories btw you just need to find someone or something that inspires you.

FufuTheFallenAngel: She sure was stalking her haha. That makes her even cuter though doesn't it? Lol why'd you think I was older? Do I seem older to you?

IhEaRtSpAsHlEy: And I love you. ;)

southfan12191989: That wasn't such a bad cliffhanger though right? lol

* * *

I slowly open my eyes. The beeping of the machines fills my ears. I take a look at my surroundings, the smell of sterility fills my nose. I groan in disgust and the action hurts my throat. I inhale deeply and a scent fills my senses. A welcomed one and one I've grown to love. I slowly drop my head to my right. My face buries into a blonde mane and I place a soft kiss on top of her head. She stirs slightly and the movement places pressure near my torso. I groan a bit and she jumps off the bed in horror.

"Oh my goodness I'm so sorry…" She looks terrified but then her eyes open wider. I didn't even think that to be possible they are already pretty big. I breathe out a soft laugh and lift my hand toward her.

"You're awake! You're…" She moves closer to me and grabs my hand. "I should get the nurse or something..." She trails off, thumbing behind her. I don't say anything I just stare at her lovingly. She leans forward but then pops back up. I furrow my brows. "I wanna kiss you but…"

She scans my very broken body and I just pucker my lips. She carefully places her hand on the bed to give her balance capturing my lips with hers. This is the best feeling right now and my body is feeling pain but she is my anesthesia, my morphine. I feel so much better already and I want her closer. I press my face loser to hers and she knows to pull away. I attempt to move over and she quickly berates me.

"Don't move."

"I want you to lie down with me." I say as I attempt to sit up. Okay this really hurts. It's really truly extremely painful. I should probably listen to Spencer. I've already gotten a momentum and I don't want to look bad.

"Ash, stop." She whines and I smirk. "I'll lie down just don't move." I nod and carefully lie back down. I watch as she carefully crawls back into the hospital bed. I grab her arm and put it over my chest she whimpers and I giggle. then groan from the pain of the laughter, Spencer flinches away.

"Spencer I'm fine, it's more painful to have you away from me." I tell her honestly and she smiles sadly. We lie quietly and I can hear the gears in her brain turning. I try to ease the tension with a small joke.

"First time I get you in bed and I needed to crash into a tree." I laugh at my bad joke and I'm completely alone in that department. She sniffles and I stroke her arm. It's not long before she's on her feet again. She shakes her head and I'm watching her.

"It's not funny. This isn't funny. I can't lose you." She whispers.

"You won't. I'm here." She lifts her head and I notice tears in her eyes. "I'm here Spence…just like said you were here for me."

Her breath hitches and I smile softly. "I heard you…everything you said. I love you too." Talking is very painful right now. My voice is extremely hoarse but I need her to hear this. I need her to know that she is everything to me She sits back in the chair. She's probably afraid to touch me. I just continue.

"You are everything that I need to live, I would fight anything just so you wouldn't feel pain. I'm not going to leave you, you say you can't live without me well I wasn't alive until I met you. You're it Spencer…" I have more to say but my lips are busy kissing my girlfriend. I tug at her shirt and this time she doesn't fight me. She just lies right next to me. When she's away there's always pain but by my side all I feel is her. As she snuggles in closer to me, I close my eyes loving every moment of this. "I would never want you to die for me Spencer." I whisper and she turns to look at me. "But I would for you, I would do anything for you."

"I know." I nod, the gesture causing the pounding in my head to magnify. I wince from the pain and close my eyes to push it away. "I would never want that though. I could never live in a world where you don't exist." I open my eyes slowly, the truth resounding in my ears. I've never spoken truer words. She lets a smile play at her lips before kissing me gently and loosely wraps herself around me to keep from causing me anymore pain.

–

"Ms. Davies?" A voice pulls me from my dreams. I open my eyes to see Spencer still sleeping next to me and a nurse standing over us. "I need to check your ribs." She tells me and I wish there was a way she could do it without Spencer having to detach from me. I reluctantly shake Spencer awake. She stirs and it's the cutest thing on the planet.

"I don't wanna go to school today mommy." I stifle a laugh and shake her again. This time she wakes up.

"I'm not gonna make you go to school, but I do need you to get up for a second so the nurse can check my ribs." I smile at her. She gives me a confused look but gets up. After the nurse checks my ribs and does a couple of test to see if I'm still concussed she leaves Spencer and I alone again. "You were talking in your sleep." I chuckle a little as she climbs back into bed with me.

"No." She shakes her head, clearly embarrassed.

"Mhm." I nod and smile. "Was that a one time thing or something you do all the time?" I pop a brow and wait for her answer.

"I don't know." She shrugs. "Why? Would that be a problem?" She mirrors my face and shake my head no, smiling harder.

"I think it's the cutest thing ever. I can't wait to hear it every night." I say and I can tell my words catch her off guard. Talks of the future and our plans have never really came up. We've been living in the here and now but after an incident like what happened I think that we should. "I can see myself being with you forever, Spencer. Does that scare you?" When she doesn't answer right away I feel my heart speed up and I'm not sure if it's the morphine I was just given or how long it's taking her to answer the question. "Oh my God, you're-"

"No." She shakes her head quickly. When her lips curl up into a smile I know what's coming next. "I want to wake up next to you everyday." She nods and I can't help but smile. I don't want to help it! This is the best news ever. "You're it for me too, Ashley Davies."

I smile at the revelation and I can't help but be okay with the turn of events. Sometimes tragedy leads to beauty. Sometimes you have to sacrifice to receive a blessing. Spencer is the best thing to ever happen to me, she won't replace what I had nor can I with her but we can lead a fulfilling life. Together. I lace my fingers with hers and she kisses the back of my hand. We just lie in silence letting the peace of our situation flow over us. The quiet doesn't last too long as my family knocks on the door. Spencer motions to get up but I hold her in place.

Tyler pops his head in the doorway and though it hurts to laugh I do so cause he is the coolest kid ever. He beams a smile at us.

"Ash! I knew you'd wake up. See told you!" He gloats triumphantly as he rushes towards the side of the bed.

"Be careful sweetie." My urges and I dismiss her softly. She of course ignores me. "Her leg Tyler, honey."

Tyler goes towards the front of the bed and climbs over making sure to watch where he lands. I move my good leg giving him room. He lifts the bottom of the blanket exposing my cast.

"Can I sign Ash?"

"You better." I tell him and he smiles brightly.

I subconsciously stroke Spencer's arm. My parents greet her with a cheek to cheek kiss then kiss me on top of my head. They get comfortable in the room and notice that my mother brought a basket of food with her. I laugh lightly.

"Did you bring breakfast?" I tease her and she just tuts placing it on top of the table. She wheels it closer to the bed. Spencer gets up to help with everything and I miss her body already. My dad pulls the chair closer to me and grabs my hand.

"You scared us sweetie."

I look away ashamed. It was a heat of the moment situation. I was just upset at the time, and all I wanted to do was get to my girl. I flick my eyes up at her and she's looking at me lovingly. I can't help but feel bliss overtake my disheveled body. I look back to my dad and he notices where my gaze has lingered, he laughs quietly patting my hand.

"You did good Ash, you've got a keeper." I agree with him, nodding softly making sure not to aggravate any pain in my head. "Listen. I gave your CO a call earlier this morning and explained everything, they've agreed to an extension to your time home but they'll handle your physical recovery. He says that the rest of your unit is still scheduled to return from their R&R this weekend and are shipping out the following week, but you'll stay at base til you heel up enough."

"How much longer?"

"A few more weeks." He answers sadly, it's better than the two days I had left here. I squeeze my father's hand. He just nods his head and leans back in the chair. My girlfriend brings me a cup of water and I'm grateful. With the excitement of Spencer being here, discussing our future, and my family coming I forgot all about the soreness from my throat. I rub at it in confusion.

"You had a tube in..." Spencer explains, "to help with your breathing, a nurse took it out over night when your oxygen levels were stable."

Everyone has their eye on Spencer as she explains fully. She answers fully informed, like a wife would. I force the thoughts out of my head, a bit early to think of Spencer as my wife, though it does have a nice ring to it.

"Well it's obvious you were in great hands. I knew you would be." My mother speaks up first as she winks at Spencer. All she does is look away, blushing a bit. She sits next to Tyler as he pulls another marker from his schoolbag and colors on what used to be a plain white cast.

"No school today bud?" I ask taking the attention off Spencer, she looks at me with a thankful gaze and I just wink at her.

"Nah, mom said I could skip and be with you today."

"Good call mom." I compliment and she just shrugs nonchalantly placing flowers in a vase and putting it next to my window. When she finally moves away from the table that they were "preparing" breakfast I notice it's a stack of pancakes, bacon, and sausages and my eyes widen.

"Mom that's too much food." I comment and she waves a hand at me.

"The Denninsons,Duartes, and the Carlins are on the way what are they going to eat."

"Only you would make a feast of food in a hospital room." I joke and my dad laughs along with me. "How do you intend on keeping all that stuff warm?"

"Can't tell you that, it's a mother's secret. I'll tell Spencer though it's s wife's secret as well." She says and I think my heart machine starts beeping erratically. My mother did this last time calling Spencer my girlfriend before I even get the chance to and now she's doing it with the word wife!

"Ma don't domesticate my girlfriend!" Spencer is covering her face and I completely understand her horror.

"Cause you're a good girl." My little brother sings as he colors my cast. I thought he was just signing it, not painting the Mona Lisa on it.

"Why do you know that song?" I half shout and regret it as my ribs and throat twinge in pain.

He looks up shyly. "You said the word, domesticate and I don't know I just started singing it." He goes back to coloring like nothing happened. I think he knows how to use his innocence to his advantage that boy is sneaky. I look at my girlfriend and she's just giggling away.

The rest of my visitors filter in and Spencer sets me up a plate of breakfast. She's taking great care of me just like she's done my entire time home. I don't know how to ever repay her, I hope loving her and devoting myself to her can be the start of something in a form of gratitude. The food is surprisingly still very hot and I think my mother is a wizard. No one bombards me with questions they just keep me company and express how happy they are that I'm safe and back with them. I think about my memories and the limbo I experienced and I don't chalk it up to a dream. It was real and I won't water it down with my mind playing tricks on me. I said goodbye to my old family and embrace my new one as they talk among themselves letting their presence be the support I never imagined to have.

Later that evening everyone left, promising to come back the next day. They've spent the entire day here and wanted to give me rest, despite how much I begged them to stay. The only person that did was of course the love of my life. The lighting in the hospital room is dim. The television in the upper corner is on a low volume just adding to the background noise. I had just had a quick check up with my nurse and doctor, giving me my numbers. I have a long recovery road but better this is better than not being here at all.

She comes out from my private bathroom in a fresh set of clothes that her mother brought her earlier. She seems a lot more relaxed. I'm looking at her and she catches my stare.

"What?" She asks me shyly.

"You look happy."

"I am." She sits at the other end of the hospital bed and looks at me sweetly. She rubs my good leg and I chortle. "What?"

"If I tell you something will you think I'm crazy?" She just shakes her head no so I continue. "Before I woke up…" I gather up the nerve to tell her, she'll be the only person I ever tell. She'll be the only person that ever needs to know. She nods letting me know I have her full attention. I start over.

"Before I woke up, I saw Madison, Aiden…and Glen." Her breath hitches as I whisper her brother's name. "He told me to take care of you." She smiles and I see a shimmer in her eyes. I know it's probably tears. "It wasn't a dream, I felt them. It felt too real and I'd never seen Glen besides pictures…he had a goatee…"

Spencer chokes out a laugh and the tears she tried to fight off flow down her cheek. She's just nodding. I had never seen a picture of Glen with a goatee.

"He was…"She takes a breath trying to calm her quivering voice. "He was trying out this awful look. He was so proud of that goatee. It took him months to get it right. I told him he looked like a bum." She laughs a little harder, I assume she's replaying the conversation in her head. Spencer sniffles and wipes at her eyes. I wish she'd come over here so I could hold her. I can barely move. "He told me his goal in life was to be a beach bum so he was already halfway there."

We both share a quiet laugh. I whisper for her to come here so I could hold her. It's been too long since I have.

"He smelled like coconut." I tell her as she lies down in my arms.

"He would."

She starts to tell me more stories and I her. I quickly realize that for once, reminiscing my friends isn't painful at all and I know that it's because of the girl I'm holding. I'm able to hold her because I was finally able to let go of everything else.


	22. A Perfect Kind Of Love

I think it's safe to say that I have the best readers ever! You seriously keep me smiling.

ShardsOfRayne: Seriously? Best one yet? :) hehe. Thank you. Christine is one sneaky woman. She knows exactly what to say and when to say it and hot to say it. I love this version of them as well. This is how I wished the show would have portrayed them. He definitely used his little cute face and pretend innocence to get out of that one haha.

FufuTheFallenAngel: Lol she does have magic powers but when you think about it, don't all moms? I think once they become a mom their dna code is rewritten haha. I do remember our deal and because you have been so awesome I've decided I would let you have four days and I'll take three. Let's do every other day shall we. That way it's not too long before we see her again haha. I get what you're saying and I'm not offended lol. People say I act older than my age but then when I get around my friends I'm like a little kid lol.

Godlove: Thank you :) You're an awesome person.

NDFightingIrishFan: Future talks are always awesome haha, especially when it comes to our favorite girls.

L2GQ: Exactly, broken but not shattered. She can be put back together again and I know just the girl for the job. Tyler little smart self be knowing everything haha.

dani: I don't want it to end either. I get sad thinking about it. I think Ashley and Spencer will take a few broken bones over Ashley dying any day. Aw... I'm sorry you know the feeling of that. I lost my grandmother to cancer and she spent her last few days in a hospital bed just mentally wasting away and it was the hardest time ever. I don't wish that pain on anyone. Haha I wish I could promise you that many more chapters but I think I'd run out of ideas and start posting old chapters over lol.

a1721: Well I thank you for being so patient with me. Things are definitely a little on the new side and it'll be interesting to see how it goes from on out.

punkerocker07: I am so sorry I kept you waiting. I love you! lol

gina32: I love you too. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on my story time and time again. You're so awesome. Ty is the cutest lol. I don't know about that lol Tunes of Betrayal was one of those stories that when it good you just let it be haha. Okay I will tell her lol.

bookworm848: Of course theres a reason. You're thinking about Spencer and all her wifely duties and you're getting excited much like I did. haha. OMG i died at your sentence where you wanna watch them cuddle but have sex at the same time. I think it's possible, I'm gonna try it haha.

dumle2209: That's what Spashley will do to you, enlarge your heart. I think it's important for Ashley to go back because she made a commitment and it'll show just how much she likes to keep them when she makes them. Its' okay if you can't review. I'm just glad that you'll get to read them. :)

totaleclipse9110: Well thank you for liking my story because well I kinda love you hehe.

ReaSoNs2Fall: Ashley is so lucky to have Spencer in her life she doesn't even know haha. Or maybe she does. Yes he was and you're probably wondering why he even knows that song haha. I have no idea.

son-lyn: Oh well I don't even know how to respond to this lol. Um... I think that all I can really say to this is that love pretty much can conquer anything and when you think about it, that's what this whole story is based on.

Anjela78: That was such a nice poem. You are very talented. I think you should try your hand at writing a story. Thank you for your well wishes. :)

googoo4u: Aw Ms Amazing? So sweet I totally love you for that. I'm happy you liked the chapter and I agree. I think it's sweet that Spencer has put Ashley in such an amazing place that she can even imagine having a future.

Annais81: LMAO my gf got so upset when reading that first line she was like omg, why she trying to wake up next to you, that's my job haha. I just giggled and told her to calm down. I do love the fact that you love how sweet and adorable they still are. A couple people aren't happy about how this is turning out I don't think. Yay I brought a smile to your face, that's always nice to hear. Yeah, I guess I'm just a little too hot to handle haha. Your gf seems freaking awesome btw.

IhEaRtSpAsHlEy: Love you for loving it :)

guest: Here it is... I'm so sorry for making you wait lol.

* * *

I grab the handle that was situated above my head. I pull myself up and with the help of my nurse I manage to transfer into the wheelchair that was brought into my room. I get to go home today. After waiting hours for the doctor to discharge me, I can't get out of here fast enough. It's been over two weeks and with a lot of persuasion on both Spencer and my mother's part they've released me a lot sooner than planned.

My injuries have been healing pretty well, Spencer's been taking really great care of me. She hasn't left my side and it gives me hope for the future. My mother has brought Spencer and I food from home every day. Every meal, snacks included and I'm starting to think that's the reason I'm getting better so quickly. There's nothing like mother's cooking to cure the most serious of ailments.

I groan a bit a little bit both sore and weak, dropping into the wheelchair. I'm winded, and surprised how tired I am already. My nurse grabs my shoulder and looks me in the eyes.

"You doing alright?" I struggle to calm my breathing and nod as she keeps my healing leg up and gently lays it in the foot rest of the chair.

I sneak a peek around the older woman and wink at my girlfriend. She's gathering my things. She wanted to help me out of bed but was scared that she'd get in the way. Too embarrassed and sad to watch someone else help me. She packed up the things I've accumulated during my stay. She packs my clothes, bath and body products, and get well gifts that I've gotten from not only her but everyone that's come to see me. She smiles looking away with a blush. I love that I still have that affect on her. That I can still make her shy and make her feel giddy. She does the same for me.

My nurse makes sure I'm properly in the chair and my mother comes strolling in, in that Christine Davies way. She's ready to take over but Spencer quickly steps up announcing that she'll push me. I quirk a brow as I watch my mother reluctantly pass the imaginary baton that she's held for so long over to my girlfriend. She realizes in that moment, that the blonde is now the woman who will be doing all the coddling that she used to do. Christine nods with a smile and steps out of the way so my girlfriend can take the nurses place.

"Hi babe." I greet cutely as she steps behind and pushes slowly. She bends down and kisses my cheek whispering a soft 'Hi gorgeous,' in my ears. It sends shivers down my spine and I catch chill.

"We all set?" My mother ask as she takes my bag from Spencer and rubs my shoulder gently. "Your father is organizing the car downstairs."

"He's throwing me in the back of the pickup isn't he?" I ask with a laugh and both special women in my life share a giggle. I'm not exactly sure why they are laughing because I'm being serious. We get into the elevator and I wave the staff off cheerily. They've been so great and helpful, of course that's their job, but I can tell they do it with care and love.

"I can't wait to get home."

"I've made your favorite, you must be hungry. Also I had your father buy a bed and set you up in the den so you don't have to deal with the stairs."

I giggle as I can imagine my mother hustle my father into all those different projects, preparing for my return home. The elevator jerks to a stop and Spencer's carefully leads the chair through the doors, my mother close behind. We reach outside and the light from the outside world is blinding. Even though sunlight peered through the blinds of my window of my room it's a whole different experience when I am wheeled outside. The fresh air extremely welcomed and I think about how lucky I am to be outside again. It was too close of a call and though I'm leaving soon I'm looking forward to my return home.

It used to be the opposite. I always couldn't wait to go back. I couldn't wait to be stationed again so I can have normal duties to distract me from my memories. Now my memories will keep me going to have the enthusiasm to come back home. Enthusiasm that I have never had until Spencer came into my life.

She stops my chair at the curb and I see my dad pull up. He seriously brought the pick up. I feel Spencer gently grip my shoulder. She's reassuring me, clearly giving my father the benefit of the doubt. I'll try my best to follow her lead. Clearly she forgot about the man who wanted to tell her a story about being locked in a potter potty.

"There's my girl!" My dad shouts as he gets out of the car and rushes over to us. He places a hard kiss on my head. I flinch at the pressure but laugh anyway.

"Hey dad. So how we doing this?" I ask wanting to know because I'm not flying around the back of this thing. He opens up the back seat and orders Spencer to get into the car.

She looks at me warily. She's clearly done the math as well. There's no way we are fitting everyone in this car comfortably. He doesn't take no for an answer and ushers her behind the driver seat.

"Dad…"I whine. I'm not really sure why I'm whining I think it's more out of fear than anything else.

"Trust your old man Ash." I watch as my girlfriend gets into the car and she looks a little more confident when she's inside. There must be something inside that calms her nerves and if it's good enough for Spencer it's good enough for me. So I do what my "old man" asked and trust him. He opens the passenger door, pulls the seat all the way forward and down.

"Spence, you mind helping me with this one?" He asks my girlfriend and I can't help the glee I feel at the way he shortened her name. Everyone is so comfortable around each other. The short amount of time we've all been together and it feels as if years have passed. It feels like Spencer has been part of my family, been part of my life longer than she actually has.

My dad looks at me softly and I sigh wrapping my arms around his shoulders and he lifts me out of the chair. He guides me in as far as he can and once I'm in the middle of the seat I sigh in relief. My sweet old man has made a make shift harness for my foot to rest in.

"You ready?" My girlfriend asks me and now it's time to stealthily maneuver my legs so it doesn't hit the car and cause pain to shoot through my body. I groan and she just giggles kissing my temple. "I've got you."

Hearing those words, I've never felt safe. She lets me handle myself because she knows how independent I can be and I lift myself up, she's spotting me from behind and with my father's help manage to get my leg into the car, over the front seat and rested into the harness. My leg doesn't dangle too much off the console. My father has made it sturdy enough so it doesn't go flying haphazardly. When I'm safely in the car and buckled up my parents load the wheelchair and my things in the back of the truck. Spencer and I have few seconds alone and I take this time to steal a kiss. She moans softly and smiles as I attempt to deepen the gesture.

I am interrupted though as both front doors open up. I pout and she kisses it quickly.

"Later." She reassures me and I reluctantly settle for that option.

"Buckle up." My mother says and I don't hesitate to do so. I'm more than happy to follow the rules of the road after what happened. Spencer slips her hand into mine and I tighten my grasp. It feels good to have her so close. Granted we've been close every day in the hospital but being outside it's so much better. It doesn't feel limited and when it comes to the girl next to me. I don't want any limitations on us.

"Dad you can drive faster than twenty miles an hour." He laughs nervously pushes the speed to twenty five. He's acting like a father of a newborn and I can't help the laugh that escapes.

"If it's any consolation Raife, I'd be going slower." Spencer says and he laughs taking one hand off the wheel to get a five from Spencer.

"Both hands on the wheel honey." My mother orders sternly and my dad's hand is back on it in a flash. Spencer and I laugh.

I lean my head on her shoulder, her head leans on mine and I enjoy my company during this very slow drive home.

We pull into the driveway and with a lot of strategy everyone maneuvers me out of the car. I'm quickly growing tired of being waited on hand and foot. I know they want to fuss over me but it's making me feel some kind of way. Spencer can sense my uneasiness and rubs my shoulders. I'm sitting in the wheelchair and she turns it away from the house.

"I'm going to take Ashley for a walk."

I see my mother trying to protest but I look at her softly and she just nods. My father pulls her away and she shouts behind her shoulder that lunch will be ready when we get back.

Spencer carefully guides the wheelchair down the steep driveway.

"Thank you." I tell her in exasperation.

"Of course. Do you want me to keep pushing or do you want to do it yourself." She asks once we're on level ground. The sidewalk is pretty smooth and I'm confident in my ability to steer this thing. Plus I know if I need Spencer's help she will find a way to give it without forcing it on me.

"I'll try for a little bit." I grab the wheels and start to roll them forward. It takes a couple minutes but I get the hang of it pretty quickly.

We walk in silence for a few minutes and she breaks the silence first.

"I'm really glad you're home. It's just different knowing you're not in the hospital that I put…"

I stop her quickly. I halt the chair and she stops along with it.

"You are not to blame. This was an accident." All of a sudden I realize the words that everyone has ever told me when it came to Madison and Aiden. All those years I took the blame, thinking there was something that I could have done. I just shake my head.

"I know but…" She tries to counter and I stop her again.

"Spence, you did nothing wrong. This was a freak accident and I'm all good now. You're by my side, that's all I want. That's all I ever want. As long as you're next to me everything is perfect. You hear me?"

She sniffles and nods. I lift my head and pucker my lips. She adheres to my request and kisses me gently.

"I love you." She tells me and I easily say it back. We walk…well I wheel and she walks, down the block and just banter playfully and for the first time in weeks things feel normal.

After about an hour Spencer is pushing me back up the hill. We found a place to sit and talk idly. She urged us back home because she didn't want my mother to worry. The way this girl considers everyone's feelings just continues to prove to me just how amazing she really is. How sweet, caring, kind, and gentle she is and I can't believe she's all mine.

"Alright here we are." My mother announces unnecessarily as she guides me into the den. Spencer let her take the reins. She felt it only fair since she did push me practically the entire day.

I look around and notice how nicely my mother and father set everything up. There is a brand new bed, a television on the other end, a mini fridge, and dresser which my mother opens to show me my clothes.

"Mom this is too much." I say as I wheel closer to the fridge and open it to find it fully stocked. I shake my head and close it. "Really too much."

I look up at her and she smiles at me. "I just want you to be comfortable. I don't want you to worry about a thing when you're home.

"I've never had to." I tell her gratefully. "Thank you."

She bends down and kisses my head. "Welcome home sweetheart."

Spencer and my parents help me settle onto the bed. Once I'm comfortable my parents leave me and my girlfriend alone and she lies next to me. I wrap my arms around her and she carefully snuggles into me. My ribs still a bit sore.

"I'm going to miss you when you leave." She sighs out in one breath. I didn't think this was going to come up so quickly but then again if this didn't happen I would've been gone already. No telling where she and I would've been if it didn't.

"I'm going to miss you too, but at least we still have a little bit more time together right?" I offer knowing that's not good enough. She just nods. She's always one for words but right now she's not even trying to muster any up. I can tell that she's upset and I try my best to comfort her. "I always found it so easy to go back whenever my leaves were over. This is the first time that I've ever wished I didn't have to. Best part about it is. This is my last tour and I'll be done. Then we can be together and start a life together, you'll be writing and I'll be doing I don't know what but as long as I get to come home to you everyday life will be perfect. Right now…life is perfect."

She breathes out a laugh.

"I wish you could come with me but then we'd have to get married right away so you'd be my domestic partner and travel with me…" I joke and laugh lightly. She's quiet and my eyes shoot open wide and I think I've freaked her out. I call out to her and she looks up at me. Her face isn't displaying horror, in fact it's displaying contemplation.

She just kisses me and I'm not sure what that's supposed to mean. She's not freaking out but neither am I. I'm not sure which of the two are the lesser of evils. We detour the topic not agreeing with the idea but not disagreeing either and we talk about general things. The mood changes but in a good way and though we're on a lighter topic I know both of us are thinking about the heavier one because honestly as crazy as it sounds... it doesn't really sound all that bad.

"I love you." I tell my girlfriend lightly as she cuddles into my side; her leg draped over my good leg and I'm stroking her arm softly.

She looks up at me with a smile. "I love you too." I bend down to place a chaste kiss on her lips but Spencer isn't having it. She puts a hand behind my head to pull me back into her lips, letting her fingers get lost in my hair while she expertly maneuvers to get on top of me; not breaking our kiss. I moan a little in pain but mostly in pleasure as she pulls her hands from my hair and wraps them around my waist.

I think we've forgotten that we're in a room with a door that not only doesn't lock but is completely glass.

I close my eyes at the feeling of Spencer rocking her hips into me, I ignore the pain signals my leg is sending to my brain because there's no way I'm going to tell her to stop. We pull back from the kiss, both of us breathing heavily. The look in her eyes is telling me something. I know what she wants but I'm afraid to tell her that I've never been here. I've never been with a girl... with anyone.

"I want you." She leans forward and whispers in my ear. A chill shoots down my spine as her words make their way from my ears to my brain. She has no idea how much I want her too. She repositions herself on my lap, using my legs to balance herself; she accidentally puts a little too much pressure on my broken leg. I grimace in pain and her eyes shoot open.

"I'm so sorry." She shakes her head, slapping her hand against her forehead. "I'm sorry Ashley I completely spaced."

"It's okay." I chuckle and shake my head at my adorable girlfriend. "Don't worry about it. I've felt worse." I wave it off and wiggle my finger for her to come closer. She complies quickly and I waste no time attacking her lips again. She moans into the kiss and again it sends shivers down my spine. I don't know why every time she touches me it feels like I'm being touched for the first time. Every hair on my body stands at attention. My brain sends signals to every nerve in my body and her touch becomes electric.

"Ashley." She sits back, her chest heaving up and down. I whimper a little as her eyes tell me what her lips aren't.

I close my eyes, preparing my mind and body for what's about to happen. I pictured it different than this. I didn't have a broken leg in the scenario or healing ribs, but either way I want her just as much as she wants me right now so I'm not telling her no. I nod my head yes as I let my eyes flutter open. I'm telling her without saying it, I'm ready. I'm ready to go to the next level with her. I want to take the next step.

She sits back a little, lifting her shirt up over her head. I gasp, staring at her bra covered chest. My eyes involuntarily close as I ingrain the sight into my memory. I'll need it when I'm over seas. When I open my eyes I quickly lift my shirt up over my head. She bends down kissing the bandages wrapped around my ribcage. I pull her face back up to kiss me. I missed her lips. She pushes herself into me more and I moan at the feeling.

"I love you." She whispers against my lips.

"I love you too." I reply just as softly as I allow my fingers to get lost in her hair. I don't think I've ever wanted anyone more than I want her right now. I drop my hands from her hair to her bra clasp to undo it.

"Ashley you're ho..." My little brother's sentence dies in his throat when he see us. Spencer scrambles off of me as my mom walks in behind Tyler.

"Oh my God!" I piratically shout as my mom covers Tyler's eyes.

"We were just um... we were..." Aw poor Spencer. Granted we're adults and all, this is still embarrassing. I pull my shirt down over my head and turn to see my mother still standing at the doorway with a smile. What the hell right now mom?

"Mom!" I shout and she starts to back out of the room.

"We're gonna go." She thumbs towards the hall with her free hand, her other one still covering Tyler's eyes. He's trying desperately to move it.

"Mom I wanna see Spencer." He whines and Spencer and I can't help but chuckle at him.

"The only thing you wanna be seeing right now is the inside of your school books young man." My mother chides my little brother. He stomps off down the hall. My mother stands in the doorway. I'm waiting on her to close it, but she's not.

"Mom." I urge her to continue her way out the door.

"Oh sorry." She waves me off. "Dinner will be ready in a half hour. You're staying a presume Spencer?" She turns and asks my girlfriend.

Spencer glances at me before turning back to my mother and whispering out a shy 'yes.' My mother smiles and closes the door behind her.

"Oh my God, I am so sorry. I forgot that door doesn't lock." I start to explain but Spencer just burst into laughter. I narrow my eyes at her, confused about why she's laughing. "What's so funny?" I question my chuckling girlfriend.

"Your mom... and little brother... just totally walked in on us... about to have sex." She's barely able to get out through chuckles. I'm still missing the part where any of this is funny.

I purse my lips thoroughly confused releasing a dry laugh. She tuts and lightly swats my arm. I exaggerate the pain wailing a bit and she goes back into her laughing. I watch as she drops onto the foot of the bed. She's choosing wisely because I think having her any closer will definitely aggravate the raging hormones coursing through my body. Spencer puts one leg under the other and languidly dangles it. She looks shy and I nudge her with my good foot.

"How do you go from a giggle fest to shy silence in ten seconds?"

She drags her eyes up to meet mine.

"I'm just thinking about how we'll have to wait until you get back to…continue."

I breathe out a single laugh because that thought definitely didn't occur to me. I was definitely caught up in the moment with her just a few minutes ago. The slew of events didn't give me time to process the fact that she just reluctantly brought up.

"Yeah I guess. " I say picking at invisible lint on the blanket I'm sitting on. I feel her crawl up the bed and lie next to me. We just hold hands this time. The gesture is simple enough yet extremely comforting.

"I want it to be perfect…is that weird?" She asks and I shake my head no. "I mean with you, it's bound to be perfect either way."

I chuckle and pop my eyebrows up once and look away. I'm glad she has enough confidence for the both of us. My first time was just interrupted and I can't help but think that it's probably a good thing. I know I love her and I know all the things I want to do to her, doesn't mean I'd be as debonair at doing them as I'd like to think I would be.

Spencer turns onto her side, our hands still connected, she gently scratches my belly.

"You would've been my first. Well…you will be my first." I correct because I don't want to be intimate in that way with anyone else. She gently kisses my cheek and squeezes my hand.

"With how you kiss I'd never know." She says with a smile. I can't help the laugh that escapes me because, she's the first person I've ever kissed as well. I guess I don't have anything to worry about then.

"Are you subtly calling me a slut?!" I half shout in mock offense. She just shrugs and turns onto her back.

"Just calling it how I see it." She answers half heartedly fighting off a smirk. I carefully lean down and gently bite her shoulder. She shrieks and pulls away a little. She leans a little too far and almost falls off the bed. I hold onto her tightly. She pulls herself up, her face a little red from the blood rushing to her face.

"Thanks for catching me." She says sweetly.

I decide to be corny and answer with. "Thanks for falling for me." I figure she will just tease me about it but she stares into my eyes seriously. Her eyes are so beautiful. The shade of blue that they are, is breathtaking and I find myself getting lost into them.

"You didn't leave me with much of a choice." She counters. I tilt my head to the side a little confused. "You're easy to fall in love with."

I bite the inside of my bottom lip. Spencer steals a kiss and I lift my other hand keeping her there. I'm taking all the kisses I can get. They are surely numbered and time, again, isn't on our side. I'll kiss her until there's nothing left in me. I brush my nose over hers. My head pushes back a little bit as she leans her forehead against mine.

"I'm so glad I found you."

"Me too."

She lifts her free hand and drags her thumb back and forth across my lips. I give it a peck. We sit silently just enjoying the presence of each other. A knock on the door interrupts us and I roll my eyes. Now they knock?

Spencer readjusts herself on the bed and once I'm sure she's comfortable I tell whoever is at the door to come in. My mother wheels in a couple trays of food and I shake my head.

"Ma we could've come to the table."

"No I didn't want to stress your body out by making you move too much in one day."

She sets a tray over me and I inhale deeply. It smells really good. Though my mother did not deprive me of her cooking while I was in the hospital it smells even better at home. My mother hands Spencer a tray as well and my girlfriend bashfully thanks her. She's too adorable for words. Just looking at her makes my heart want to explode. My mother leaves the cart far off to the side and she motions towards the door.

"I'll leave you two alone, enjoy." I feel Spencer's eyes on me and I know the look she's giving me. Normally I'd sigh like I'm being put out but I agree with her.

My mother is half out the door and I shout out for her.

"Mom why don't you, dad and Ty come join us. I miss having dinner as a family." Her smile is huge and it warms my heart that the simplest things bring my mother such joy.

"We'd love to." She tells us then steps out of the room.

It doesn't take a long time for the rest of the house to join us. Everyone settles in the room and we engage in light conversation. I almost lost this and to think there was a time where I was itching to leave. Now all I want is to stay because there's nothing more appealing than time with the people I love.

I rub Spencer's back as she tells a story about her family and I love how well she fits in. It's like she was always meant to be here. I can't disagree with that assumption because it feels perfect.


	23. Never Alone

I really wanted to do the FoF this chapter but I just didn't have the time and I didn't want to make you all wait another day or two for an update so I hope you can all forgive me for not doing it. I promise to pick it back up as soon as I have the time. But I really enjoyed reading your comments. I think you are all very amazing people and I you all inspire me to write the way that I do. You all along with my muse of course. :) Hope everyone is having an amazing weekend.

* * *

"Ashley." My mother gently shakes me awake. I open my eyes a little to look up at her. Spencer cuddles further into my side and I close my eyes to keep from jerking away in pain. I love being close to her, but with healing ribs it can be a little excruciating at times. "You're having a going away party today." She whispers. My eyes shoot open.

"No, mom." I answer in a harsh whisper, shaking my head.

She purses her lips and narrows her eyes at me. "Non-negotiable." She shrugs.

"Mom, I just wanna spend my last couple of days with you guys and Spencer." I try to explain.

"I know honey but you have other people that care about you and want to see you off. It's not going to be anything obnoxious." She shakes her head. Why don't I believe her?

I roll my eyes and sigh. "Fine." Not like I have a choice. She smiles and points to my girlfriend.

"Her parents are coming over in a bit so I would um... make sure I'm not doing anything on the-"

"Oh my God mom, get out!" I almost shout, Spencer stirs and my mom chuckles and shrugs.

"I'm just saying, not all parents are as cool as me about se-"

"Don't you dare finish that statement." I point a finger at her with narrowed eyes as I see Spencer's eyes flutter open.

"Your party starts at noon." She smiles and leaves my room.

"Was that your mom?" Spencer looks at me with one eye open. Clearly her eyes want to stay closed right now. She's adorable.

"Mhm." I nod and lean down to kiss her.

"Gross, I have morning breath." She pushes me back.

"I love you." I smile down at my girlfriend. "Morning breath and all." I add and lean down to kiss her again.

"Ew." She pushes me away again with a smile, sliding from underneath me.

"Boo you!" I protest as she sits up on the bed.

"What'd your mom want?" She questions as she takes her tie off and reties her hair into a loose ponytail.

"She was telling me about the stupid party she plans on having for me today." I pout and Spencer doesn't kiss it away so I pout harder, hoping that will make her kiss me.

She chuckles and shakes her head. "I'm not kissing you, Ashley. Not until I go and freshen up."

"This is cruel and unusual punishment you know. It's against my eighth amendment right as an American citizen."

She chuckles again, leaning over to me. I'm thinking I'm about to get this make out session I've been wanting all morning but no! She tricks me and places a chaste kiss on my forehead and stands up from the bed. "And I already knew that." She says matter-of-factly as she heads towards the bathroom. Wait what?

"Say what now?" I question my girlfriend. She turns back to me, stopping right outside the bathroom door.

"Your mom told me when you first got home from the hospital a week ago that she was throwing you a going away party." She shrugs and turns, but I stop her.

"Spencer Carlin!" I half shout. She giggles turning back around. "You knew that my mom was throwing me a party and you didn't warn me about it so I could strategically plan to not be here?" I rebuke my girlfriend.

"That's exactly why I didn't." She says popping a brow. "Plus where you gonna go anyways?" She glances down at my broken leg then back up to my eyes.

"I... I woulda..." I pause trying to think of something witty. Hmmm... I got nothing. "That's beside the point." I point an accusatory finger at her. "The point is, you're my girlfriend and we're supposed to be on the same side, not you in cohorts with my mother!"

She chuckles again. Oh well she's just chuckling chuck today isn't she!

She walks back over to me when I fold my arms over my chest and sits down on the bed. "Your mom went through a lot in the past month Ashley." She pauses and grabs my hands. "I know that you don't want to be surrounded by a bunch of people right now, I don't either. But your mom needs this. She almost lost you Ashley. We all did and all she wants is for the people that were there for you when you were in the hospital to be able to see you off. She just wants all the people you love and that love you to be able to do that. Can you let her?"

She stares at me, awaiting my answer. Why does she always have to be the voice of freaking reason. I playfully roll my eyes knowing she's right. I nod and she smiles.

"Now can I go freshen up or not?" She asks, standing up from the bed. I raise my brows as I pull her back down and into me. Stealing a kiss. But it isn't a peck, it's the kiss I've been wanting all morning. And this time she doesn't protest.

When I feel content enough for the moment, I let her go and she stands with a smile. "I'm going now." She thumbs towards the bathroom.

"You can." I tilt my head and smile. She shakes her head as she turns and heads into the bathroom.

Sigh... I'm really gonna miss all this when I leave.

–

"Ashley Davies you stop that right now!"

I stop my chair midway down the hall. I've been trying to help all morning. I've been over the whole coddling things since day two. Well everything except the sponge baths Spencer gives me. I'll fake any kind of injury to keep those going. I've got a stack of plates on my lap and yes normally this is a bad idea but I couldn't stand the fact that everyone is running around getting things ready and I'm a vegetable. Even Tyler is helping! He's blowing up balloons.

My mother said it wasn't going to be obnoxious. What on earth is more obnoxious than balloons? I cringe as I hear the sound of the noise maker blare through the air. I stand corrected.

"Tyler stop blowing those in the house." My mother pleads my younger brother and he giggles as he runs through the hall with another pack of balloons under his arms. He passes me and shouts a quick hello.

"Hey bud." I shout back as he disappears into the kitchen and out into the backyard.

My mother comes to me and grabs the plates off my lap. She's looking down at me and I look away. My feelings are a bit hurt. I'm not some feeble person that needs help…well in a way I am, but I can still do something, anything. Hell this party is for me, the least I can do is bring plates outside.

"Ashley just relax." She orders then leaves me in the hallway. I grit my teeth in slight frustration. I wish I could storm out of the house right now but I don't think wheeling out will have the same affect. I try anyway.

I get to the front door and go to open it. The sound of a throat clearing stops my advances. I don't need to look to know who it is. I just drop my head.

"Babe I can't be here."

"You promised." She reminds me.

I stay facing forward and I can hear her walking towards me. I want to be mad because I'm useless and I hate feeling this way. The last thing I want to do though is take it out on her. Even if she is helping too. She's setting up chairs while dad hoses down the tables, sets up the grill, and putting up the tent. See obnoxious item number three. I growl and open the door anyway. I just need air. I wheel outside and go down the small ramp my dad made for me.

"Ashley!" My girlfriend yells after me, but I don't listen. I'm feeling claustrophobic and yes I'm going to miss all this, but I haven't been babied so much in a really long time. If there is a female version of emasculating, this would be it for me.

I let the wheels freely roll through my hands. I jerk forward and I know Spencer has grabbed the handles.

"Spence." I whine.

"Why are you being a brat?" I gasp highly offended. I turn the wheelchair around keeping a tight grasp on the wheel making sure I don't roll back.

"I am not!" I shriek and she pops one brow up. We have a staring contest, she breaks first and I feel a sense of pride rush through me. I'm so pathetic, gloating at winning a staring contest. How sad is that?

"Fine, go." She says harshly and I think I may have hurt her feelings. I didn't mean to. I drop my head back and pop it back up.

I push hard against the wheels and catch up to her retreating body. This semi-hill is no joke but it feels good to be doing some kind of work.

"Spencer!" She stops at the cracking in my voice. She can tell I feel bad and I do. I manage to reach her, slightly out of breath. "I'm sorry okay I just…" I stop, not entirely sure of how to explain why I'm acting the way that I am. It's a mix of emotions and I'm not sure which to pick. I'm silent for too long so my girlfriend speaks up clearly understanding me better than I understand myself.

"We're going to miss you too Ashley. That's why we want this, why we need this." She bends down in front of me, placing her hands in my lap. I'd hold them but I don't want to chance an impromptu ride down the driveway.

I bow my head, she meets me half way and we rest against each other.

"How do you always know the right thing to say?" She chuckles lightly, and I groan again with the chuckling.

"How about I sneak you in the back and you can set the table?"

I just nod, a smile spreading across my face. I pucker my lips and she kisses me softly. That's my thank you and she deepens it making it her 'you're welcome'.

She manages to keep my mother from coming out into the backyard just so she can't ban me from chores. It's easy to miss chores when all you do is lie around.

With something to do the time goes a lot faster, the backyard is looking very festive with streamers, balloons everywhere and lights because apparently the non-obnoxious party may go into the night. The bell rings and Tyler goes eagerly to greet the first set of guest. I can tell by the bark that it's the Carlins.

Spencer bends down and greets her pup. She ruffles his hair he can't contain his excitement. He jumps all over her and I smile because it has been a while since she's been home for an extended period of time. I've been hogging her and I'm grateful that my parents didn't give me a hard time about having my girlfriend stay with me. Most especially I am grateful to her parents for not making it a big deal for her to not be home.

"Ashley!" Arthur greets and I smile widely. I wheel the chair easily through the grass. It's not as difficult as one would think. My mother keeps her lawn flawless so it's as smooth as wheeling across the sidewalk.

"Hey Mr. Carlin." He bends down and I wrap my arms around his neck, giving him a gentle squeeze.

"How you feeling?" He asks, sincerity laces his voice and I quickly appreciate the party that my mother is throwing for me. I get to see all these people that have warmed my heart from the block of ice that it was. I wasn't particularly cold but I was numb and all the people that helped smooth me out are going to be here. I throw a quick glance at my girlfriend as she talks to Doc and Tyler. She had the most influence of all.

"I've been good, Spencer has been taking really great care of me."

"Yeah she's got a tender hand. She gets it from her mother." He says cutely as his wife appears behind him and rubs his back. She leans down and gives me a hug.

"Is that my daughter I see over there?" She shouts and Spencer leans back in laughter. She quickly gets up and greets her parents.

"My how you've grown." Her father quips, his hands gripping her shoulders, she rolls her eyes and swats his hands away.

"I'm sorry I've been monopolizing her." I say bashfully and Paula waves a dismissive hand.

"Meh, keep her I've had it up to here with her!" She lifts her hand high over her head adding onto her joke and we all share a laugh. I suck on my bottom lip as I watch my girlfriend playfully grimace. I plan on keeping her for as long as I can.

"I thought we had joint custody." I lean to the side as I hear another voice coming from behind Spencer's parents.

I smile when I see her best friend coming out of the house into my backyard. Spencer's parents give us a minute and separate. Spencer's dad hangs with mine and my mother with Spencer's. I wish I could stand up and greet Chelsea, last time she saw me I went all soldier on her and gave her this tough guy persona that I know that I have. Now though, I'm a bit broken and not very intimidating. I prepare myself to try and be tough because with this girl it seems it's necessary but she's different now. She bends down and greets me with a hug.

I look up at Spencer and she's smiling. Guess she's finally warmed up to me. At least that's what I thought until I feel a swift smack on my arm. My brows furrow in shock as I rub the offending area.

"Uhm…ow." She points a finger at me threateningly.

"Don't go scaring me like that."

I chuckle softly. "I'm sorry I didn't even know you liked me all that much." I half joke because come on let's be honest she's a little hostile. She tuts then stands akimbo.

"Of course I like you, if I didn't you think I'd let you steal all my best friend's attention. I would've visited you in the hospital but I figured you'd want space with all the other people that may have been popping in."

"You would've still been welcomed." I answer sincerely and I can feel Spencer's eyes dancing back and forth between the two of us. She's happy we're getting along. Frankly, so am I.

The guests pile in and so does the food. Clearly my mother needs to look up the word obnoxious because this is everything she said it wasn't going to be. I knew it would though. She's just into spoiling the people she cares about. I can't fault her for that. Plus she looks happy and that's all I wanted.

All the couples are mingling, they all rotate talking to me. They minimize my mobility most likely out of courtesy. They give me well wishes; let me know I'm in their prayers and thoughts. I'm truly grateful for their kindness. Spencer is by my side the entire time, aiding me with whatever she can think of. She gets me drinks, food off the grill, throws away my trash and I want to scold her but I know she's doing this for herself as well. Being sweet is her nature and handicap or not she'd do all this regardless.

A couple hours after the barbecue my mother informs us that dinner is almost ready. I don't know where anyone is going to put all the food and desserts she's cooked but we'll find room. We gather around the string of tables, everyone is paired up with their spouse, except Tyler and Chelsea. Tyler is sitting with Doc by his side. I laugh as Doc sits diligently at the table. Normally my mother would protest to a dog at a table but clearly Doc isn't a normal dog. Chelsea doesn't seem to mind that she's not paired as she sits next to her best friend that she probably hasn't spent any proper time with since my arrival.

There's a feast in front of us and I'm not surprised. It is a dinner cooked by Christine Davies. I'm pretty sure she raided every grocery store within a ten mile radius and took everything off the shelves.

"Apparently it's Thanksgiving in June" My father jokes and everyone gives a little laugh. My mother stands up and fixes her blouse. She clears her throat and all attention is on her.

I slip my hand into Spencer's underneath the table and she leans over and places a kiss on my cheek. I smile widely and I'm clearly an idiot in love. I quickly kiss her soft lips before turning back to my mom.

"I want to thank everyone for coming. It means a lot that you're here to see Ashley off." She looks at me and takes a deep breath. I see my father grab her hand giving her his support. She chokes out a laugh over a bit of tears. I look down sadly and I know she's thinking about the accident. "Ashley, my baby, you are such a beautiful, strong woman and your father and I love you so much. We are so proud of you, and the woman that you've become. I know you are a very special person to each of our guests here. I gleam with pride are the person you are. That you are so loved and I think I speak for everyone here when I say that you will be missed, be safe, and return to us soon."

I swallow the lump in my throat as I bow my head in response to my mother's speech. She blows me a kiss and I blush. I let out a puff of air and gather up some courage.

"I'd like to say something before we dig into this obnoxious feast." I press the word obnoxious and look at my mother, she just gives me a cheeky smile. "I'd stand but you know, I've only got one leg."

Everyone laughs and my nervousness dissipates slightly. It goes away completely when I feel Spencer squeeze my hand. It's a gentle reminder that she still has it. I'm so used to it being connected to mine that I forget that it's there at times.

"As my mom said thank you for coming. A lot of you haven't been in so long, and the rest have stormed into my life." I take a few seconds to direct my gaze to the specific people of each category. "When I came home I didn't imagine that I'd be leaving surrounded by this many people. This is the first time that I've found it so hard to say goodbye and I think it's because it's the first time I've never wanted to leave. It was hard being back at first, but now I can't imagine myself anywhere else. I've rekindled relationships and started new ones. Most of all I fell in love." I look at Spencer and she's looking down in her lap. Clearly I'm embarrassing her but I need her to know that it's the hardest leaving her.

I gently turn her face towards mine and she's fighting tears. One sneaks its way from her eye and I brush it away with my thumb.

I hear Tyler mumble an 'aw.' I smile as I continue to talk to my girlfriend.

"You are not what I expected to find when I got back but I'm so glad that you found me. It hurts just thinking about being away from you. It physically causes me pain to the point that every injury from this accident can't even compare. I cannot wait to come back and start my life with you. You are the greatest surprise I could never have known to ask for and I love you so much."

We both forget that there are other people at this party. She leans closer to me and kisses me lovingly.

"I love you too." She replies sweetly and her eyes dart towards the rest of my guests reminding me of their presence. I clear my throat and focus on all their smiling faces.

"I appreciate every single one of you and the part that you've taken in my life. I can't thank you enough, your continuing support and love keeps me strong and though I leave in a couple days, this is not goodbye, it's an I'll see you later."

My dad puts both pinkies under his tongue and blows a shrill whistle. It causes Doc to bark and everyone cheers. I laugh at the group of people around me. I look around as they dig in and I get a little choked up. I came here thinking I had no one, and they all proved me wrong. I look as Spencer grabs my plate and starts to pile food on, I just laugh quietly. Especially her, she's definitely done a great job in letting me know that I'll never be alone. Not while she's around.


	24. Its So Hard To Say Goodbye

Sigh... I can't really begin to tell you all how much I've enjoyed reading your reviews. I am so happy that you have enjoyed reading this story as much as I enjoyed writing. I love you all from the bottom of my heart. :)

TBH all, I started doing the FoF but then I got really tired (I'm running on 17 minutes of sleep in the past 28 hours). I really would love to reply to each and everyone of you as I have been but my goodness do I need sleep. Words are not making sense so I hope this authors note isn't a complete mess lol.

btw to those wondering I believe FoF to stand for feedback on feedback. :)

Have a good Tuesday everyone.

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"I hate today." Spencer mumbles against my neck as we lay in bed. It's been three days since my 'see you later' party and today is the dreaded day. I have to head back to my unit's base in Georgia and rehab before I'm deployed back to Afghanistan.

"I know baby, me too." I lean down to kiss her head. She's laying on my chest, her head nuzzled into my neck. I pull her closer to me, my ribs be damned. I won't see her again for seven months and I'm not the least bit happy about it.

"Can't you just go awol." I glance down at my girlfriend and she twist her head up to look me in my eyes. I'm trying to determine if she's serious or not because honestly, I've thought about it. Spencer and I could run away until the army stopped caring. But we all know that the army wouldn't stop until they hunted me down and brought me before the military courts and all that. "But I know you have too much integrity to do it." She pouts and I lean forward to kiss it away.

"You know I would go awol for you if I didn't have so many people I cared about, if it was just you and me." I explain and she just nods. "I don't want to spend my last day in Santa Barbara laying in bed." I say and sit up. She looks up at me, begging me with her eyes to give her this. "I don't want to spend it with anyone but you." I assure her with a head nod. "But I want to take you somewhere."

"Where?" She quirks a brow.

"Well technically you would have to drive." I gesture towards my cast covered leg. Only two more weeks and I'll be able to get this thing off thank goodness!

"Where are we going, Ash?" She asks again.

"Just help me off this bed." I instruct my girlfriend and she helps me up and into my chair. "I'll be right back." I instruct her to stay in the den until I came back to get her. I wheel myself down the hall and into the kitchen.

"Good morning daughter." My mother greets me in a sad tone. I know that me leaving is going to be hard for her. She kinda just got me back.

"Hey ma." I say in a mimicking tone, I'm actually sad to be leaving as well and it's not only because I'm leaving Spencer behind but my family as well. I've grown so much closer to them over the past three months and it's really hard to say goodbye. "Did you pick up that thing I asked you to get?" I wheel myself closer to her. She reaches into a purse and hands me the box with a bright smile.

"Now normally I'd be apposed to two twenty-two year olds-"

"It's not what you think mom." I smile and shake my head.

"Mhm." Is all she says, with a smile.

"Thanks mom." I move as close to her as my wheelchair will allow and wrap my arms around her waist. "I love you mom." I say honestly. She bends down and little and squeezes me tighter.

"I love you too, sweetheart."

"Oooh hugs!" We hear Tyler shout as he runs towards us. "I want one, I want one!" When he reaches us I release my mom and pop him up onto my lap; practically squeezing him to death. "I'm gonna miss you, Ash." He sighs as he squeezes my neck.

"I'm gonna miss you too, bud." I release him and sit him back down on the floor. "I'll be back a little later before I head to the airport, Spencer wanted to know if she could-"

"Of course." My mother cuts me off, already knowing what I was going to ask. "What time should we expect to be heading out?"

"Around six I guess." I shrug. My CO has made arrangements for a PV2 to meet me at the airport to help with transport. He should be getting in on his flight around five I think." I explain and she just nods.

"Late lunch before you go?" She asks, hopeful. I'd planned on spending the entire day with Spencer but I know it would mean a lot to my mom if I spent a little more time with them before I left so I nod and smile. I rub my little brothers head, he swats my hand away with a chuckle before I turn and wheel myself back to the den.

–

As she wheels me through the graveyard I can't help but smile. This is where it all started. This is where I met the person that would change my life forever. I wouldn't be who I am if it weren't for Spencer. I'd probably still be broken and blaming myself for things that I had absolutely no control over.

Spencer came into my life and showed me what it really means to love someone.

What it really means to live.

"Ashley, I'm confused at why we're here..." She stops wheeling me when we reach Madison and Aiden's graves.

"Could you go and buy three flowers from that guy at the gate?" I question as I pull a fifty from my wallet. She nods, taking the bill before jogging off. "Hey guys." I turn back to my friends once Spencer is out of ear shot. I smile as I remember the conversation I had with them when I was in limbo. "So I'm here today because well I needed to talk to you guys and I needed it to be here." I start to explain, telling my friends my plan. I can see them both smiling and behind them Glen as well, he's giving me a thumbs up.

"Ashley." Spencer calls to me, pulling me from my mind. She hands me the flowers, I lean down and place a flower on each of their graves. "There's three." She points out.

"One's for Glen." I explain and she smiles as I wheel over towards his head stone. I bend down and put the flower on it. "I'm taking really good care of her." I whisper.

We stay at his grave for a moment, allowing Spencer some time with her brother. She hasn't been here as far as I know since the night I met her here. She doesn't need this place to feel close to her brother, like I used to with Madison and Aiden. She has her spot and now, thanks to her, I have mine.

"Spencer." I call to her, she looks up to me from her brothers name.

"Hmm?" She awaits my response. I reach into my pocket and pull out the box. Her breath hitches. I would have liked to have gotten down on one knee but you know... broken leg and all.

"This isn't exactly how I saw this going." I chuckle, she moves closer to me. "Spencer Carlin you are the most amazing person I've ever met in my entire life and I don't think there is a perfect combination of words I could string together to explain to you how much I love you... how much you mean to. You brought me back to life, you're the reason my heart beats again and I don't know how I could ever begin to repay you for that. I think that everything happens as it's supposed to and you were brought into my life for whatever reason and I'm not questioning it. I'm just happy to be here and to know and love you." I open the box, the look on her face is giving me everything. I know that she loves me as much as I love her. "I've never met anyone like you, Spencer. And I don't want to go a day without you. I know we're too young to get married and that we haven't known each other for long but I wanna give you this." I take the ring out the box and hold it towards her. "I wanna give you this promise ring and with it I promise to always be here when you need me, to never make you doubt my love for you and most of all I promise to love you as long as I live and breathe." She looks as though she wants to cry and it's making me tear up.

I've never felt so strongly about someone. I thought I did... but what I felt for Madison... as much as I loved her... it could never in a million years compare to what I feel for Spencer.

"I...I..." She swallows thickly and I stare at her, waiting for her answer.

"So you gonna-"

"Yes." She cuts me off, standing up to kiss me. "Whatever is you're asking me, yes." She nods and mumbles against my lips. "I love you so much." She whispers, and pulls back so I can put the ring on her finger. "Ugh! It's beautiful Ashley! I love it!" I smile and pull her back down to me for a kiss. "Can I ask you something?" She pulls back and looks at me.

"Of course."

"Why here?" She looks around us.

"This is where is all started." I state simply and she smiles, leaning down to kiss me again.

–

"This day officially sucks again." I chuckle at my girlfriend as we pack up my bags and wait for my mom to finish up cooking lunch. After we left the graveyard we visited the beach and my spot one more time. I said goodbye to my friends until my return and thanked Glen for having an awesome sister.

"I know baby." I smile as I pull her onto my lap. "But thinking about it constantly isn't gonna change anything, it's just gonna make you sadder and you won't get to enjoy the time we have now. So let's not think about it and just enjoy the rest of the day, okay?" I ask, she pouts and nods. I kiss away her pout and she puts her hand in my hair, pulling me closer to deepen the kiss. The kiss becomes heated quickly, a guttural moan leaves her body as she slides her tongue easily into my mouth. A fire in the pit of my stomach grows quickly as my lips move against hers and our tongues battle for dominance. She pulls back, biting my lip and I moan as a shiver shots down my spine.

Yeah... no!

She cannot be kissing me like this right now.

I pull back and she whimpers. "I'm trying to enjoy the time I have left." She whines out.

"Spencer Carlin you are doing things to my body right now that I cannot and will not be able to control if you don't stop it!" I point an accusatory finger at her cause I know she knew what she was doing just now.

"Fine." She pulls back and stands up from my lap just as my mom comes in.

"Lunch is ready." She smiles at us.

"Kay mom, we'll be there in a minute." I tell her, she nods and leaves; closing the door behind her.

"I don't think I can do this Ash." Spencer says suddenly, I turn to look at her confused.

"Do what baby?" I pull her back down into my lap.

"Watch you walk out of my life." She says and turns, not able to look at me.

"Technically I'd be wheeling out." I try to joke to lighten the mood. She chuckles a little and I know I've succeeded. "Look at me." I grab her chin and gently turn her head to look at me. The sadness in her eyes breaks my heart. I clear my throat and fight back my own set of tears. "I know that this is going to suck, I hate that I have to be away from you for seven months, hell I hate it when I have to be away from you for seven seconds. This is a commitment I made and I don't want to get into the habit of breaking commitments. I want to be the girl you fell in love with and show you that I am everything you claim me to be." I stare her straight in her eyes. "I love you Spencer Carlin and I promise you that no matter how far I am from you, you will always be in my heart and mind." I finish up, pulling her down for another kiss.

"Promise to write me every day?" She mumbles against my lips.

"I promise, and we'll FaceTime as much as I can. Okay?" I ask and she nods. I peck her lips again quickly before we head to the dinning room to join the family for lunch.

–

"Take me with you, Ashley please." Tyler whines as I wheel him on my wheelchair towards the security checkpoint. My family and Spencer close behind. During lunch the Duartes, Carlins and Dennisons came over briefly to say goodbye again. It was a pleasant surprise and even more of a surprise when Spencer proudly showed off the ring I got her. No it's not an engagement ring but it's damn close, because I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

"I wish I could buddy, I'd take all of you with me, but the Army doesn't really like civilians traveling with soldiers overseas." He pouts and I chuckle at my little brother's cuteness.

"I can fit in that bag." He points to the bigger bag that the PV2 is holding for me.

I laugh and shake my head. "I wouldn't dare but you in that stinky bag bud. You're way too valuable to me." I ruffle his hair and kiss his forehead. "Hop down bud, I've got to say goodbye to mom, dad and Spencer." I instruct him, he does so but not before wrapping his tiny arms around my neck and squeezing me tightly.

"I love you, Ashley." He whispers.

"I love you too, Ty." I reply just as softly, like it's our little secret. He finally hops down and runs to wrap his arms around our fathers leg. I poke out my bottom lip, I hate that I have to leave the little guy.

"Promise you'll call us whenever you can." My mom leans down and hugs me.

"I promise mom." She pulls back, kissing my cheek.

"Be safe over there honey please." She says and chokes a little on her words.

I grab her hand and nod. "I promise mom, don't worry about me. I'm coming back." I smile and she nods once, stepping aside so my dad can give me a hug.

"I'm so proud of you sweetheart." He says as he hugs me tightly.

"Proud of me for what dad?" I ask when we pull back.

"Being so strong." He nods and smiles softly. I pull him back down for another hug.

"I'm just like my parents." I say softly and he chokes out a laugh. I can tell he's about to cry. I don't think I've ever see my dad cry before. He pulls back, wiping at his face and moving to the side. Spencer is standing behind him, looking down at the ground. She has yet to say goodbye and even though it's her turn she's not moving. I give my parents a look and they understand. I don't have to say anything to Private Jackson, he walks away on his own.

I wheel closer to her, stopping directly in front of her. She continues to look at the ground so I lean forward and put my head in her line of sight. She's crying. I sit back, pulling her face up to look at me, brushing away her tears with my thumbs.

"Don't cry." I say pathetically as I feel my own tears building.

"I was trying not to." She says and swallows thickly as her tears continue to fall. "I just don't know how I can go seven-"

"We can do this." I nod. "I know that we can. This love we have Spencer, this unexpected love, is worth everything to me and I never want to lose you so I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure that never happens. Seven months will go by so fast it'll feel like I've only been away a couple of weeks." I try to assure her. She sighs and takes a seat on my lap.

"I've never loved anyone as much as I love you." She whispers and I can't help but smile as the tears that were threatening to fall finally do.

"Ditto." I reply as she wipes away my tears.

"Weeks huh?" She forces a smile, I do the same and nod. "Write me everyday, Ashley Davies." She points a stern finger at me and I nod. "If you don't then when you get back you're gonna be in so much trouble." She says and I quirk a brow.

"Will I get a spanking?" I lean forward and whisper.

She chuckles lightly and nods her head. "Yes but you won't like it." She tries to not make that statement sexy but coming from her lips... everything is sexy.

"I'm sorry to interrupt Corporal, but we really have to get going or we're going to miss our flight." I nod and he backs away.

"Come here." I pull her down and kiss her gently. Closing my eyes as my lips move against hers. I've never felt so complete so happy... no, Spencer doesn't have to worry. I don't care what it takes I'm coming back to her if it's the last thing I do. "I love you." I say against her lips.

"I love you too." She replies, kissing me again. Private Jackson clears his throat and I know it's time to go. Spencer stands up from my lap and I sigh. My parents and little brother walk over and give me another hug, followed by the love of my life and now I really have to go. I turn and start wheeling towards security.

I turn to look at my loved ones once more, I give them a small wave. I never imagined I'd miss Santa Barbara, but now all I'm thinking about is the next time I get to be here... to be with them.


	25. You Promised

I'm sorry all but I've realized I probably won't be able to FoF for the remainder of this story. There are only a couple chapters left after this one. But I have soooo much going on in my personal life that after editing these chapters (the longest chapters so far) I don't have the time to FoF. But I still love reading your reviews and if you all have any questions or just want to talk to me feel free to send me a PM and I will get back to you as soon as possible. I love you all.

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I mark another X in my calendar. I stare at the month of September. Every day of the first two weeks have red X's. I drop the pen on my desk and fall back onto my bed. Seventy two days it's been since Ashley's left. Seventy two days of restless nights. I've gotten so used to sleeping next to her it's like I'm in a different time zone when she's not here. I don't sleep properly and when I do it's not for very long. I write her every day and she kept up pretty well while she was stationed in Georgia but since she's gotten deployed her letters haven't been as frequent.

I sigh as loll my head to the other side. I'm staring at my upside down notebooks. There's fifteen stacked high on my night stand. They're all full. I have never written this much in... ever. Not even when I lost Glen. I swallow the lump in my throat as I think about him. I feel like I'm reverting back to my old ways before I met Ashley and I know she isn't gone forever but all the stuff I've been watching in the news has me feeling like I could lose her at any moment.

That reminds me. I push myself off my bed and quickly rush down the stairs. I hop over the back of the couch landing swiftly on the cushions. I reach for the remote and turn on the television. It's on the exact channel I've left it on.

Doc comes traipsing in and he hops onto the sofa next to me. I bury my fingers into his fur. It's mildly cathartic for me. This and making sure nothing happens to Ashley. CNN isn't saying anything, so no news is good news, right? I hit up MSNBC next and the news never has anything serious to say but I listen anyway. I put the volume up and grab my phone and scroll through the newsstand app I have on my phone. Just making sure I don't miss anything. I hear a throat clearing and I freeze mid-scroll.

"I thought we talked about this."

I slowly turned around and see my father. I force a cheeky smile he knows it's fake. I rarely give real ones these days.

"Hey dad, you're home early." His brow rises as he focuses his stern gaze on me. I roll my eyes. "Dad I'm just…"

"Spencer this isn't healthy. I know you miss her…"

"It's not just that dad!" I'm caught off by the force in my voice. No one is getting it! I'm just making sure she's okay. That she's safe. It's not healthy but it's helping.

He comes further into the living room and turns off the television.

"You staring at the news is like you're expecting something bad to happen to her."

I look down and I notice my dog looking at me with his warm eyes. I don't have anything to say. I don't want anything bad to happen to her obviously. I love her so much. I just want her to be okay, I need to know she's okay.

"You need to get out of this house right now. When's the last time you went outside?" He asks me. I don't really want to tell the truth. When I got letters every day from Ashley I made sure to see all the people I've met through her. The Dennisons have had me over me over just to catch up several times, so have the Duartes. My parents and Ashley's parents have had weekly dinners so I see the Davies then. I would sneak up to her room and lie in her bed. Inhale her scent, try my best to feel her as if she were right next to me. I'm going to sound uber creepy and say I've taken a few of her plain shirts. I've worn them because I feel closer to her. Good God I need help.

"When Spencer?" I sigh and avoid the question because it's been eight days since I've really left the house. I don't mean to I've just been preoccupied with thinking about Ashley, watching news, writing.

"Dad I leave the house once a day." I say honestly because I do. I still visit my spot with Glen but that's during when no one is in the street. So I don't really interact with anyone. Also I spend the entire time talking to Glen about how much I miss Ashley.

"Besides going to your spot." He rebuttals knowingly. I'm saved by the doorbell and he smiles.

Oh no.

He walks out the room to answer the door. I'm in trouble.

"Doc, hide me." He gets up and jumps down on the ground. I go on all fours. I keep up with his slow place as he walks out of the living room and towards the stairs. His body is massive so he's a great cover.

"You better not even play that shit with me. Sorry Mr. Carlin." She apologizes and I curse under my breath. I groan as I stand up and pat my very loyal dog against his ribs. He still stays by my side.

"Hey Chelsea, long time no see." I close my eyes as I berate myself for the choice of words.

"Damn straight! It's all your damn fault too. I'm sorry, again, Mr. Carlin." She apologizes for her choice words and he just chuckles squeezing her shoulder gently.

"Just get her out of here." He orders. "Thanks for coming by."

I glare at him as he passes me. Betrayer. I shake my head and he places a kiss on my cheek.

"Judas." I mutter angrily and he laughs. Nothing here is funny. I glare at my father as he disappears upstairs. I'm trying to burn holes into his back. I watch him until he's gone and turn my gaze back to Chelsea. I sigh and throw my hands up in the air.

"Chelsea I'm not really in the mood…"

"I don't give a damn." She tells me with a bit of attitude. I walk to the front of the sofa and grab the remote again turning the news back on. Doc diligently drops himself by my feet. His company is a comfort. That, and watching the news even though my father has ordered me to leave the house. What dad doesn't know won't hurt him.

Chelsea stands in front of my television and I growl a bit. She just crosses her arms over her chest and pops her hip out.

"Chels pretty sure your parents aren't glass makers." I tell her as I fall further back into the couch. I'm standing my ground…or sitting whichever you prefer. I just don't want to deal with anybody. I mean I know it's been some time since she's left but I'm still transitioning.

Chelsea walks away from the television and joins me on the couch. My eyes are glued to the news, when I'm satisfied with the lack of reports on the goings-on I change the channel to another news station. Chelsea is staring at me I don't need to look at her to know this I feel her eyes on me.

"Please stop staring at me." I request while I flip through channels. I don't know how but she manages to stare harder. I try my best to ignore her and I feel like I'm succeeding until she speaks.

"I know you're going through a tough time and I don't want to push you but you need to be pushed."

Damn her for being a good friend and caring. I groan and stand up reluctantly flipping the television off.

"Lead the way." I say through a grumble and she squeals with excitement grabbing my hand. I take a last look at Doc and he whimpers his sympathy for me. I silently agree with my pet as I allow my best friend to drag me out of my house, then to her car. I would protest to her dragging me the entire way but we both knew that as soon as she let's go I'd bolt back into the house.

"So where to?" My best friend asks me as she puts her car into gear.

I sigh heavily. "Take me to Afghanistan." I say seriously.

"Pretty sure I don't have enough gas to get you there. Even if I did I know I would endure the wrath that Ashley subtly showed me."

I glance at my best friend and she grips the steering wheel. My brows furrow in confusion.

"I'm only going to say this once and you better not dare repeat it." I smirk a bit waiting to hear what I already know. "Ashley scares me." She says in a rushed breath. I snort and she glares at me.

"No, no, no you can't scare me with those eyes, my girlfriend will just beat you up!" I say in excitement. She hits me and I'm quickly quiet. "That hurt."

"Don't repeat those words." She says and I zip my mouth shut. I'm still telling Ashley. I smirk as I look out the window, I'm not entirely sure what Chelsea has planned for me but I know she means well. I don't really want to be going any place and she doesn't get the reaction that she's expecting. Maybe I'm being unfair. Ashley's not here that's true but it's not the end of the world…right? Then why does life feel so much emptier without her here. I contemplate that thought as Chelsea talks about something random and I know right now I'm an awful best friend. I try to give her at least some of my attention because she's going out of her way to be there for me. The least I can do is show her I appreciate it.

Chelsea manages to keep me out the entire day. Once I stopped moping it wasn't half bad. She made sure I did normal things like eat, go to the movies, a little bit of shopping. I bought another notebook, I'm running low on pages. It helped a bit, I wasn't filled with worry but my mind was still on Ashley. I still thought about how much I miss her, or how good she felt next to me.

I sigh as I step out of her car. "Thanks for today Chels, it really did help." She smiles and points at me. I roll my eyes as I look her in hers.

"I will not mention you being scared of Ashley." I back away from the car and watch as she drives away.

I enter the house and find my parents enjoying each others company as they clean up their dishes from what I'm assuming was dinner. I place my things on the counter and look at my father.

"Well, well, well look who managed to be outside for more than an hour and is able to live to tell the tale."

"Listen here old man…" I start trying my best to sound serious but my mother's snort throws me off. I place a hand on the counter and point a threatening finger at him. He tries to look at me with a hard gaze but cracks and ends up laughing along with his wife. I never could pull off the tough act. I walk around the island and give my father a hug. "Thanks dad." I say softly. Even though I rather just sleep every day away until Ashley gets back I know it's not possible. I tell my parents my goodnight informing them I'm going to call it an early night.

I head back to my room, look at the calendar, and cross tomorrow's day with an X. It's not here yet but I'm ready for it to be over. I fall back against my pillows and look at my promise ring. I know she'll keep her word. She always has and I know that she'd fight anything rather than let me down. I'd do the same for her. I snuggle into my pillow and stare at the ring. I close my eyes and all I see is her smile.

–

I rub my eyes as I wake up to hit my alarm. I hit the switch on my bedside lamp and let my vision adjust to the light. I've been doing better at getting up in the morning. I pull my covers off of me. I head straight for my calendar. It's the most exciting time and yet depressing time for me. I get to flip to a new month. It's a bittersweet feeling, getting rid of an old month and start a new one. I've managed to make through September and here comes October in all its glory.

I glance over September and all the red Xs that are in each box. I graze my fingers over a particular date. The twenty-seventh. I sigh as I remember my conversation with Ashley over Face-Time. We got to talk for forty minutes, that's a record. She tries her best to talk to me as much, and as long as possible. I admire her effort. I'm sure it can't be easy. The connection wasn't the greatest given her location but it's better than nothing.

I throw my hair up in a pony tail and quietly open my bedroom door. Doc follows me out and we head down the stairs, grabbing my surf board on my way out the door. I get into my car my surfboard properly loaded, Doc by my side and back out of the driveway. The sun still not up as I drive through the dimly lit streets thinking about my girlfriend.

It's been four days since I've last seen her and I'm not sure when I will be able to again. Her smile, her laugh, the way she licks her lips after she talks for a long while. I smirk at the memory. My mind used to be filled with memories of Glen but now thoughts of Ashley linger. It's due to the anticipation of being able to see her again opposed to knowing that I never will. I'm ready for her to be back. I'm ready for her to stay. I reach the beach and gather up my things. Doc stays on shore obediently and watches me as I run into the water. I giggle as I think of Ashley and her fear of the ocean as a child. Ever since her mother told me that story I think of it every time I step out here.

I float in the water idly. The smell of the ocean is bringing me back to days with my brother. I quickly let my mind wander to Ashley. I've been doing well with seeing everyone. I manage to get everyone in at least once a week. I set up schedule so that way I'm distracted enough but not too much where I'd miss a chance to talk with Ashley in case she does get to call again. I don't want to be bombarded with people as quickly as they make the day go. Sometimes I just want to think about her and be allowed to be sad that she's not here. Everyone keeps telling me not to be, that she'll be back. I know she will, but doesn't mean I don't miss her.

"I miss her so much Glen."

I see him paddle closer to me and smile.

"I can see why you do, she's a hottie."

"Right?" I ask with a laugh.

"Totally get it…but you know…" I imagine him saying all this and I know already.

"I know I have to be strong for everyone, that she didn't just leave me and it's better that I have them than be completely alone."

"See you don't even need me to tell you. You already get it."

I sigh and kick up some water. "I hate that you know me so well sometimes."

"Meh you love me. Let's catch this wave." I see him nod behind me. I lie flat and start to paddle. I catch the wave and ride it well. Ride it the way he's taught me. I let it carry me towards the shore and I'll let the love I have for her carry me the rest of the time that she's not here. I can do this. We can do this. I grab my board and walk the shallow waters with new determination.

I won't let the sadness in response to her absence get me down. She believes I'm strong when reality she's the reason I am that way. I haven't been that strong since Glen, I got by but with her I'm living and I'm disrespecting her if I live my life any other way. She'll be back and I've got to keep that in mind. She'll always come back to me.

–

I finish jotting down the last word of my letter to Ashley. I've reached the last day of the first week of October. That's another week down. Only eleven more to go. It's been two weeks since I've received my last letter from Ashley. It's hard not getting them every other day like I did when she first left. The distance is greater and I'm doing my best to remind myself of that. I'm keeping myself in check so I don't get frustrated with her because it's definitely not her fault.

I sit in the back of the coffee shop I met her at the one morning she called me. The day we searched for her spot. I sit back and stare at the table we sat at. I replace the bodies that occupied the table with images of us. I smile as I see us idly chatting. I look away from the couple trying my best not to bring attention to myself. I break a piece of the blueberry muffin I purchased and reread the letter I wrote to her. I can't help but wonder if she eats anything that reminds her of me. I nibble on my bottom lip as I flip over the page of my letter and ask her that very question. Satisfied with my letter, I gather up my things and leave the coffee shop, dropping the letter into the closest mailbox. I head home knowing for sure that the house will be empty. I still watch the news making sure not to hear anything that involves Ashley's unit. It's easier to do without my parents telling me to stop torturing myself. It's not torture though…it's reassurance.

–

My mother knocks on the door and I can tell she's excited. I think that it's cute that both Ashley and my parents have a friend within each other. It makes being together so much easier. Tyler opens the door and he's getting so big. I know Ashley is missing him like crazy and that she hates she's missing him growing up.

"Spencer!" I laugh as he crashes into my legs. I ruffle his hair, this year he doesn't mind so much. He's growing it out. The fuller it is the better. He grabs my hand and drags me off to show me a new game that he just got. I get lost in spending time with him and enjoy this little boy's company. Ashley's not around but Tyler is definitely the next best thing.

Dinner comes and goes leaving us all more than satisfied. Raife is rubbing his stomach, his belly a lot harder than when we started. I giggle as he groans happily from all the food. Tyler runs off to play a game and I'm left with the adults. Christine brings out dessert and it's my favorite. I wonder if she did that on purpose not really caring though as she cuts me a large piece of bread pudding. I'm trying not to bounce too much with excitement and though very full, I dig in.

"Oh Spence I've got something for you." Raife states as he gets up. My mouth is too full to ask what and I watch as he gets up and disappears for a second. My spoon is still in my mouth and everyone is watching me. I feel like a fool right now. It's probably more awkward to take the spoon out now.

Ashley's father comes back and hands me folded up papers. I know right away what it is. I quickly remove the spoon from my mouth and unfold the pages.

"They came in the same envelope as ours. Don't worry we didn't read it. We saw it was for you and closed it right back up."

"Thank you." I say as my eyes quickly scan her handwriting. I feel my heart melt and I'm anxious to read.

"You can take your dessert into the other room and read that now if you'd like." Christine tells me and I smile shyly. I stand up grab my plate and my letters and walk out of the dining room. I park myself in the armchair in the den and take another bite of my dessert before I read.

_Dear Spencer, _

_ I'm sorry that my letters are not as frequent as when I was back in the states. It's harder here and I'm trying to get as many out to you as possible. So you'll have your own set as well as some that I'll send with my parents. I miss you so much beautiful. You have no idea. I've received your letters, of course and it's so nice to imagine your voice while I read them. I'm counting down the days. I see you every night in my dreams, and I think about you all day. I'm being safe don't worry. I hope you're not still watching the news every second of the day. I promised you I'd be careful. I'm being super cautious I've got a gorgeous girl to get back to…_

I read all her letters at least twice. They were so comforting and made me feel so much better. This week has been one of the harder ones but I know that she's thinking about me. Knowing I'm on her mind is making a huge difference. I take another bite of bread pudding and reread the letters for a third time.

–

I walk through the mall, flipping through the fresh set of pages that I had installed into the notebook Ashley got me. I smile as I see blank pages and think about how soon I'll be back to refill it. I hear someone call my name and I stop in my tracks to see Mrs. Dennison. I giggle as she quickly scurries towards me.

She pulls into a big hug and I groan a little at the pressure and she pulls away quickly. A slew of apologies leave her mouth. I pat her arm.

"It's fine Mrs. Dennison."

"How are you sweetie? It's so nice to see you."

I laugh softly at her greeting. I saw her a few days ago but it's nice to know that I leave such an impression to receive such a greeting. Even though I've been to see everyone at least once a week, it's still nice whenever I see them out. I know visiting them often is something Ashley would have done. I'm doing it as her proxy, until she can join me again that is.

"It's good to see you as well, what brings you to the mall?" She lifts her handful of bags and smile as she shakes her shoulders.

"There was a sale and I needed to buy my husband some dress shirts. You?"

I lift my notebook in air. "Refilling pages." I answer and she just nods. "Are you free to grab some lunch I was just about to get something."

"I'd love to!" She loops her arms with mine and we walk toward the food court.

We grab some Korean BBQ and I'm quickly brought to Ashley and I's first "lunch date". I don't know where all that bravery came from in all the words I spoke to her. Especially, since I was a blubbering mess when I first met her. I listen attentively as Mrs. Dennison tells me stories about Ashley, Aiden and Madison.

I know they have no idea about the connection between my brother's death and their kids. It's best that, that is something Ashley and I decided to keep between ourselves. It's not like revealing this bit of information will bring anyone back. I quickly forgave because life's too short. Holding a grudge against people that weren't even here to feel the wrath of it was a waste of time. Even if they were I still wouldn't. I don't want to waste time being angry. If all the tragedy I was surrounded by has taught me anything, it's to live life to the fullest. I laugh at myself because I spent so much time being sad that Ashley isn't here. However I am getting by and I know that when she comes back we'll be stronger than ever. Distance truly does make the heart grow fonder, as cliché as that phrase is, it holds a lot of truth.

I finish my lunch with Mrs. Dennison and promise her that I will stop by her place again soon. She promises to give my best to her husband and with another tight hug we go our separate ways.

–

I don't mean to come here but sometimes I feel a pull to a certain place and I can't help but go there. Sometimes I go because Ashley will mention missing them and even though I'm sure they know, I make it a point to deliver the message. I know that if I weren't able to go and talk to Glen she'd make the trip for me.

I move the branches, the sound of the creek fill my ears. I get to her spot and just take a seat. I open my notebook and start to write. From all the stories I've heard about her I imagine that Madison isn't too fond my presence here. I can imagine that she's acting a little sassy to my being here.

"I'm just here to let you know that she's been thinking about you guys. I'm not trying to invade you guys' spot. I promise."

Ashley always mentioned that Aiden was the friendlier one between the two of them. I can feel him thanking me. I just nod and finish writing my thought. I've been working on memoirs, sending out query letters to literary agents. The process is lengthy because I can go for a long time without hearing from anyone. It's just another distraction from the amount of time I have left before my girlfriend comes home.

My mind focuses on my ring finger and I smile because I can feel her again. I look up and imagine her. All the pictures I've seen of her whenever I visit the Duartes it's easy to see her. I'm sure she's got more attitude than Chelsea.

"I really love her Madison." I say into the air.

"You better, or I'd haunt you." I imagine she'd say something along those lines.

I run my thumb over the band. "I would expect nothing less. She promised Glen that she'd take care of me so I make the same promise to you. I know how precious she is, I will treat her like the rarity that she is."

I feel a bit of peace within me and I know that she's said her peace. I close up my journal and stand up. I tell them bye and leave Ashley's spot. I head home and I go right to the television. It's later in the day and I know my mother will pop in a scold me. I don't care though. I haven't heard from Ashley for some time now and I'm a bit worried.

"Spencer?"My mother calls from the kitchen and stare at the television for a minute making sure not to hear anything. I rush over to her and I hear her on the phone.

I furrow my brows as she laughs at whoever she's speaking to on the other line. Why do parents call you when they don't want to speak to you right away? I lift my arms and urge her to explain why she pulled me away from my task of making sure Ashley isn't hurt.

"Yes she's right here hold on. You've must've sensed her she literally walked into the house a few seconds ago."

My confusion breaks as soon as my mother says that. I rush over to her and eagerly grab the phone from her. She grips it and points to her cheek. I groan and greet my mother with a kiss on the cheek. She shouts a thank you as I grab the phone and rush out of the kitchen and back into the living room.

"Hi baby!" I practically shout in excitement. I drop onto the sofa and Doc jumps up and gets comfortable on me. Usually his heavy body is crushing, but I'm too excited to hear from Ashley to care how heavy my pup is.

She laughs and I feel my insides melt. "How is my beautiful girl doing?"

"Ugh, terrible I miss you so much." I tell her honestly, she laughs softly.

"I miss you too. I managed to get some phone time at our base out here so of course I called you. I'm glad I caught you I know we haven't spoken in a while."

"Me too. I've been thinking about you so much."

"Good, exactly how I like it. How is everyone?"

"Good, they miss you obviously. I've been keeping up with everyone." I turn the volume down the sounds of ammunition fills the silent air.

"Spencer…" My girlfriend says in a warning tone. I sigh.

"I know…"

"I told you stop doing that. Everything is okay. Trust me my unit is being extremely cautious and we are all watching each others backs. We are trained babe…"

"I know but…"

"What did I promise you?"

"That you'd come back."

"Have I let you down before?"

I know I don't have to answer but I know she's asking more for my benefit than for hers. I groan and she coaxes an answer out of me.

"No you've never let me down before."

"And I won't now." I hear someone shout in the distance 'she's a machine!' and Ashley laughs. I smile knowing that she's a little closer to her platoon buddies. "Zip it Conrad!" She playfully threatens and I hear him fake a terrified whimper. "Sorry babe."

"It's fine. Was that one of your platoon buddies you were telling me about in your letters?"

"Yeah that's Zach Conrad, he's a trip. He's such a character, has the energy of a two year old and never winds down. Always talks when everyone wants to sleep."

I laugh as she tells me more about her friends. It feels good to hear her voice and I easily get lost in our conversation. It only lasts about twenty minutes but it's the best conversation I've had with her in a long time. We reluctantly say our goodbyes, say I love you about ten times and then the line goes dead.

I sigh as I drop the phone on my chest. I miss her already it's only been ten seconds. I drop my head to side and watch the television. The news still playing and I listen to my girlfriend and turn it to something that isn't the news. I rub Doc's head, the action enjoyable for both him and myself.

"Only eight more weeks boy. You think we can do it?" I ask seriously and he gives me a gruff bark and I grunt in agreement. "Yeah I don't think so either."

I finish typing the newest chapter of my memoir. I'm trying my hand at humor, not the easiest thing to make people laugh. I'm not feeling very comedic lately. I pick up my phone that's sitting next to my laptop and flip through my pictures of Ashley and I. I smile as I see a picture of me and her at her 'see you later' going away party. I can't help but think that we're the cutest damn couple to ever walk this earth. I'm taken out of my thoughts when I hear a knock at my door. I turn to see Christine poking her head in.

"Hi!" I say in surprise and rush over to her, greeting her with a hug. She holds me tightly then groans once she pulls from the embrace. I'm glad she's here but then my heart drops…did something happen.

"Nothing is wrong Spencer." She tells me quickly. She must've seen the unnecessary worry on my face. I'm scared that I will forever live in fear that something will happen to my girlfriend. I'm going to have to talk to her about that because I know that's not a way she'd want me to live.

I release a sigh of relief and she smiles.

"I'm sorry I just…"

She waves a dismissive hand. "When she first left every time the phone rang my heart stopped. It's only been a few months you're doing fine."

I breath out a laugh of disbelief. "Doesn't feel like it."

"I hope it's okay I stopped by…" I cut her off not needing her to explain. I'm glad she's here. I offer her a seat and she grabs a seat at my desk while I sit on my bed and we just share stories about Ashley. Her more than me and I am absorbing every minute of it. It feels good to laugh. It feels good to hear a laugh that reminds me of Ashley. The time passes quickly and I'm grateful that the day is almost over. She checks her time and stands up. I don't want her to go because this is the closest I'm getting to seeing Ashley that isn't a screen or a picture.

"How've you been?" I ask her sincerely. I remember Ashley telling me about how Tyler told her how upset she was when Ashley left the last time. She just sighs and nods.

"I'm hanging in there. It's hard not having her around and I try to maintain a brave face but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried about her."

We share a look and I finally realize that I'm not the only one who feels this way. Obviously it's for different reasons but Christine gets it. We both know we can't spend every waking moment worrying but there are times when it's all we do. She's probably feeling that way right now which is why she's here. Just to vent and share a worry with someone that won't tell her not to.

"I know what you mean but I spoke to her a few days ago. She seems well."

"Does she?" She asks hopeful, her attitude perks up a bit and I'm glad I was able to ease her mind even if it was for just a moment. "I'm happy to hear that." She nods as if she's ridding all the worry from her mind. She seems satisfied with the thoughts her mind focuses on because she changes the subject, asking me about my writing. It feels nice to have a normal conversation. It's light and I feel a little closer to Ashley since I'm talking with her mother.

We talk comfortably for a little over an hour before she stands up and heads for the door.

"Thank you so much for spending time with me." She says and my eyes go wide because I should be thanking her. I don't know how today would've ended if I spent them the way I usually do. Staring at the news, writing my sadness down, and wishing my girlfriend were back already.

"Thank you." I tell her sincerely and she embraces me again. I walk her down the stairs and to the front door.

"My place for dinner on Friday?"

I smile wide and nod eagerly. "That will be awesome." She nods and waves goodbye . I watch as she gets into her car and drives away.

Tyler holds onto Doc's leash loosely as we walk the pier. I haven't spent time with Tyler for a while now so I'm hanging with him for the day. We've already gone to the beach where we both skim boarded while Doc ran alongside us. He holds my hand and squeezes it softly. I look down at him and smiles at me.

"So how you been Spencer?"

"Uh…" Really? I mean Ashley's warned me about him and I've been surprised by his genius when it comes to emotions before but he doesn't need to check on me. "I'm alright bud thanks for asking, how've you been?"

He sighs slightly annoyed. "No, no Spencer. I want to know how you've been with Ashley being gone and everything. She told me in my letters to take care of you while she's gone. So you know I'm just asking because I'm here to listen."

I laugh more out of shock than the fact that it's funny. I don't know what to do with this kid. He's a bit scary sometimes.

"I've been good, honest. I miss your sister very much but I know she'll be home soon."

"Yeah she will, she promised and you know Ashley always keeps her promise." I see him glance quickly at my ring as my hand swings forward while I walk.

I smirk because he probably knows what this means more than either Ashley or I do. I know it means that she's mine forever. We're still young and neither of us is going anywhere so there's no need to rush this. I like the rate at which we're moving.

"She most certainly does." I agree and shake his arm playfully, he laughs and swings my arm in response.

"You know Spencer you're a really cool big sister. I'm glad you and Ashley are together because now I have two awesome big sisters."

I get a little choked up and as quickly as it was here it's gone as Tyler runs a little ahead of me with Doc to watch a magician do some street magic. It was always just understood that the Davies saw me as part of their family but that was when Ashley was here. It's even better to hear such things when your connection to them isn't here. It makes it more real. Which in turns makes Ashley and I even more real. I catch up to Tyler and Doc. I look down at them and enjoy how natural this feels even if my girlfriend doesn't come back for another few weeks.

I pick Tyler up from his booster seat. He fell asleep on the drive home. A tuckered child is always a good sign that the day went well. I carefully close the door leaving Doc inside not planning on staying too long. I ring the bell and Raife opens up. I smile and he greets me with an awkward hug, Tyler in the middle. He grabs his son and I quickly leave tired from the day. I send Christine my love and head home.

Doc rushes into the house and drops on his bed in the living room. I breathe out a laugh and do the same on the sofa.

"I feel ya bud." He whimpers and rolls on his back getting more comfortable. My parents aren't home so I make use of their absence as I get my daily dose of reassurance. I flip through one station, nothing. I flip to the next station and I'm pleased to hear nothing again. Another day passes where I can rest easy knowing that she's okay.

–

I drag my hand through the water to stall as I tube ride the wave. I remember the first time I caught one of these. Extremely hard to do an even when you get it one time it isn't a guarantee that you'll catch another. I break out of the wave, carve it then pump my way across it. I ride the white water and slip into the water. I grab my board and run through the waves. I dig my board into the sand and drop down next to Doc grabbing my towel and drying my hair.

"Did you see me Doc? Pretty awesome huh, that's my sixth tube ride." He just barks and I laugh rubbing his fur.

I sniffle, the sea water making my nose a bit runny. I wipe my face and watch the rest of the sunrise. I'm trying to let my excitement about grabbing the rare wave take over the sadness that I've been feeling. I haven't heard from Ashley in over two and a half weeks. She comes home in three. It's possible that there is a lot of stuff for her to do before she gets discharged but I would like to have heard something. I've asked everyone else and they haven't heard from her either. I've sent letters, messages through Skype, even dropped a note into the care packages that Christine sends. Nothing. I've been watching the news as per usual and thank God haven't heard anything. I'm still holding tight to the cliché phrase that's gotten me through the last several months. No news means good news.

Doc licks my face and I laugh pushing his furry face away from mine.

"Doc you're not supposed to like the salt off my face you're gonna get sick." I giggle as he ignores me and playfully jumps on me. I love that about dogs, they always sense when their person is down. I hug him and he sniffs my face.

"I know Doc, I gotta stop worrying. I'm trying buddy, I'm trying. Let's get some food huh?" I ask as I stand and he barks. I grab my board, head back to my car and try to think about all the happy things I'm going to do with Ashley when she gets home in a few weeks.

I open the door and Doc runs inside headed straight for the kitchen . I place my board down and head into the kitchen. My flip flops hit my feet and the silence in the air. I see my parents cuddling in the kitchen. I playfully scrunch my face.

"Gross guys get a room."

My dad laughs and lifts his face so I can kiss his cheek. I do so then do the same to my mom. I pour food into Doc's bowl and he digs in happily. I grab a glass of juice and head towards the living room.

"Spence no news!" My mother shouts.

"Okay." I shout over my shoulder as I walk through the hall and into the living room turning on the television and it opens to the channel I left it on last night. I'm about to change it but hold for a moment as I see a shot of a collapsed building and debris. I turn the volume up, knowing my parent's will tell me to turn it, but I don't care I need to hear about this. The channel changes the picture to a group of people having a candlelight vigil with the subtitle. _'Family holds a candlelight vigil for fallen soldiers in Afghanistan.'_ My heart stops as the newscaster begins talking.

_"That's just hard to watch Sally." _The caster says to his cohort who just nods her head._ "A raid gone wrong a couple of weeks ago and our news team has just been able to get into the area and surveillance the damage. From what we've been told here at MSNBC is that, there were a few different units acting under order from an anonymous tip that there was certain activity which involved a potential threat to the United States and unfortunately it was a set up and a suicide bomber took down the building with some soldiers still inside."_

My heart races as I wait to hear any mention of anything involving Ashley's unit. My mouth goes dry as I hear more details about the casualty. I send up a silent prayer begging that this isn't close to home. It can't be. She promised.

"_This is shocking news John." _The female caster adds with a head nod._ "Clearly a deliberate attack on US soldiers. Like you said there were a few different units involved and sadly quite a few causalities because of this. We're now going to take you guys back out to the candlelight vigil being held in Springfield, Missouri as we display the names of the fallen soldiers across the bottom of the screen here. We will be gathering more information on this event and fill you all in as we find out. Here we go..." _She says as the screen goes back to the group of people standing outside holding candles for their fallen loved ones.

I take a deep breath and try to calm my nerves as I see both my parents and my dog come up behind me. I silently thank them for not making me turn off the T.V and for being here for support. I search the bottom of the screen, praying that Ashley's name doesn't cross it as a family member of a soldier talks.

"_He was as loving as they get. Never a bad word to say about anyone. He only joined because he wanted to follow in his father and grandfathers footsteps." _The woman chokes up as she talks about her son. I keep my eyes focused on the names flashing across the bottom of the screen. There's so many..._"He was a good boy. He fought hard for this country and I'm sure he died with as much integrity as he lived with." _The woman pauses, clearly getting choked up. But I can't pay her any mind right now. I have to keep my eyes focused on the names. I've memorized every name Ashley has mentioned in past conversations. I'm searching for anyone she's ever talked about. _"But I guess the only solace we can find in this heart wrenching time is that we know that our son is coming home so we can give him a proper burial. Some families are not able to do this at this time. We understand that some soldiers are still unaccounted for and we just want to send a prayer out to all the families still waiting to know... we are with you."_ I glance up at the woman, as the final names display across the screen. I haven't seen Ashley's or anyone that was in her unit. Thank God.

"_I'm sure the families out there are very appreciative." _The reporter says to the woman who nods.

"_God bless you all and God bless my son, Sergeant Zachery Conrad. You will forever be in our hearts." _I stop scanning just as the name flashes across the screen in unison with the woman's words. I know him... I know that name. Ashley has talked to me about him. He's in her unit and he's...

I feel myself break. I see the man on the TV lips moving but I hear nothing. I can't move, I can't breathe, and right now. I'm pretty sure everything within me has shattered much like the glass of juice that goes crashing to the floor.


	26. The Toll of War

So the dreaded time has come. There's only one more chapter after this one. This story has been amazing to write and I love each and every one of you for all the support and taking the time to read my stories time and time again. You are all amazing. I hope you enjoy the chapter.

* * *

"Davies, you got _another _care package, and some more letters. My goodness someone got very popular during their leave." I giggle as I'm handed all my stuff from home.

"Thanks Phillips." I shuffle through the letters and notice a bunch is from Spencer, as to be expected. I open with gusto, excited to read what she has to say. I lean back into my bunk allowing myself to relax. I've been on detail for the last twenty seven hours and though I'm exhausted, I miss Spencer too much to not hear from her.

It's been eighty one days since I've left home. Forty two since I've been deployed overseas and my letters back home aren't as frequent as I'd like them to be. Everyone has been amazing sending me letters and my mother with her large packages. My platoon buddies who have been bringing the mail have been pleasantly surprised at the volume. Before my return home I didn't give my family the information to send me anything It was selfish but I couldn't face anything when it came to Santa Barbara but now I can't get enough of it.

I breathe out a laugh as I read Spencer's letter as she talks about how she gets betrayed by her father and lets Chelsea to take her out of the house. I'm glad she's doing stuff. The last thing I want is for her to mope around. Don't get me wrong if I weren't as busy as I am, I'd probably need someone like Chelsea to get me to move. I miss her like crazy. When I don't need to focus as much she's all I think about.

I laugh out loud as I notice a paw print on another page. Spencer explains how Doc wanted to say how much he misses me as well. She put his paw in some ink and before she could clean him up he made a mad dash. I laugh harder as I read that she thinks he did it on purpose to keep her occupied.

My face hurts from all the smiling that I'm doing. My heart feels so light to have heard from her. I gather up the energy to write back. The delivery of letters can take up to two weeks and I try my best to send them all at once. Work makes it difficult. I know everyone understands but I still want to make the effort. They are.

As I write my response letter to Spencer I feel someone lightly knock my boot and lean out from my bunk to get a good look. I smile at Sergeant Conrad. Given the rank he has over me he doesn't exploit it unless necessary. Unless we're on detail or combat he's extremely lax. My unit and I are extremely lucky, and it allows us to treat him with even more respect whenever he does enforce his authority.

"How you doing Davies?" I stand up and salute him. He chuckles but mirrors my gesture. "At ease." He orders with a smile, he points at my bunk and I look down at my enormous stack of letters and unopened package.

"Yeah my family." I say with a embarrassed chuckle. He nods in affirmation and scratches his well kept beard.

"How's your leg?"

I jog lightly in place to show its durability. "All good." I tell him honestly.

It healed very well actually. My physical therapist says that the fact that I'm so physical definitely helped with the healing process. I was excited to be out of my cast. It felt good once I was able to run again. However it was a while before I picked up my normal distance.

"Good to hear it. I just wanted to check in I know you had a long detail."

"Yes sir I'm fine. Just winding down now." He nods and crosses his arms over his chest widening his stance to get more comfortable.

"I'm glad you're getting so many things from your family. It's good to see you smile Davies, I don't know how you did it before but now with the support of your family you're even stronger than before."

I try my best not to blush at his compliment. I just nod and say thank you. I see his eyes dart towards the box and I smirk.

"The truth comes out. I know why you're really here." I say with a laugh. He guffaws and places a hand over his heart.

"I am hurt Davies. I am your commanding officer and I am just checking in with my unit and to think that I have any other intentions…" I'm glaring at him playfully and he breaks out in laughter. "Alright you caught me, did your mom send cookies?"

I laugh and drop into my bunk and pull out my knife to open the box. He drops onto the floor and waits patiently for a treat.

"I really did come to check on you though I wasn't…" He quickly tries to explain and I dismiss him politely. He doesn't need to explain, I know full well that he didn't just come for cookies. This is another reason why everyone in my unit is so fond of him. He doesn't let the events of what's going on here change who he is. He knows how to act in every situation. I open the box and smile as I see a package of cookies with his name on it. My mother is so awesome. I turn around with the snack in my hand.

"Apparently there's a set literally with your name on it."

He whoops and happily takes the baked goods from my hand and rips it open. He takes a bite a moans in delight. I'm brought bake to the moment I first saw Spencer eat a brownie. She was so cute reveling in how good a simple dessert was. I miss her so much. Everything reminds me of her, even a grown ass man eating a chocolate chip cookie.

"How does she keep it warm?" He asks in shock and I just shake my head clearly not knowing the secret. Another memory flashes through my mind. I remember how my mother shares the fact that she'll share that very secret when Spencer becomes my wife. Yeah I said when and not if. It's that serious.

He waves his half eaten cookie in the air. He says thank you with a full mouth and stands up. He finishes off the treat.

"Tomorrow, o five hundred, be ready." He winks and I stand up again to salute him. He does as well and turns to walk away shouting an order for me to thank my mother for him. I drop back into my bunk and pick up my letters, opening my own packages of cookies. I'm starting to miss home more with every passing day.

"Mom stop moving the screen." I say with a laugh and she continues to fuss with the laptop. "Ma let Ty do it."

I watch as my little brother takes over and adjusts the screen of the laptop and it focuses perfectly with everyone in camera. I widen my eyes as I notice that everyone is there. By everyone I mean everyone. My family, the Dennison's, Duarte's, and of course the Carlin's are all standing behind my family. My girl is smiling widely in the corner and I try my best not to ignore everyone. I miss them all terribly but she's stealing my heart more than I'll admit in front of them.

They all shout hello and I even hear Doc in the background barking his greeting. I swallow the lump in my throat. I'm close to tears at the gathering of people and I'm so blessed to have them all there to say hello. I greet them all and make sure to have a few minutes to talk to each person. It's hard though they all want to talk for so long but I'm only allowed a certain amount of time. I want my longest time to be talking with Spencer. I get through everyone relatively quickly and they all disappear from the camera. I finally get to her and my heart stops. She's so beautiful. She's breathtaking every time I look at her.

"Hi." She greets bashfully and my heart flutters at how cute she is.

"Hey beautiful, how you doing over there?"

"I'm good. Hanging in there. You?"

I just nod and give a small shrug. "I'm doing alright. Looking forward to be being back home with you."

"Me too. It's crazy how we're already in September but still have so much time left."

"I'll be home before you know it. How's the writing going?"

I try to keep our conversation normal. I try to give off the illusion that I haven't left. I'm not sure if it's for her or for me but it helps for the time that we do it. She tells me about her newest projects and that she's writing letters to publishers. She'll get picked up quick I have no doubt in my mind. She's amazing at what she does. She's amazing at everything, when it comes to the girl on the other side of this screen there isn't anything she isn't amazing at. More specifically she's amazing at loving me.

"I've been counting down the days until you get home."

I laugh and lick my lips. "Yeah me too baby."

I hear my name called from behind and I look to see one of my platoon buddies point to his watch informing me that my time is almost up. We've were able to talk for almost forty minutes. I'm grateful my family and everyone else were so willingly to talk quickly so I can have a longer conversation with Spencer. It doesn't matter though because no time seems long enough. I just nod and my heart breaks as soon as I see the disappointment on Spencer's face. I touch the screen wishing I could touch her face instead.

"I see tears well in her eyes." I fight the ones that are threatening to spill from my eyes. I force out my warning.

"There's no crying. You're going to see me soon. As soon as I get home you're stuck with me. You're gonna start trying to figure out ways to get me away from you." I joke and she chokes out a laugh through her tears.

"Doubtful." She answers me seriously.

We reluctantly say our goodbyes and she calls everyone back over to give me a farewell greeting. I tell everyone the same thing I said at the party they gave me before I left. I keep my eyes on Spencer though making the promise more to her than anyone else.

"I'll see you later." She nods and I sign off.

I stand up from my seat and rub my sad face. It was so much easier before. I'm not sure if easier is better but it is a lot less painful. I feel a gentle pat on my back.

"Hey Samuel's." I greet one of my platoon buddies and she walks with me, her arm around my shoulder.

"How was your talk with your family?" She quirks her brow subtly letting me know that she's referring to my girlfriend. I chuckle and nod.

"It went well. Everyone is looking forward to my return."

"Totally get it. It's hard being away from your loved ones, best feeling is seeing them after all the time passes by. We really appreciate the time with them when we get back. Just hold on. It doesn't get easier but it is completely worth it."

"You're creepy." I tell her playfully because it's like she just read my mind. She runs her hand through her buzzed cut hair and lifts her shoulders, taking her arm away in the process.

"I'm just wise beyond my years Davies." I laugh as we head back toward our bunks.

–

I wipe the sweat from my forehead as I walk patrol. The sun is beating down hard on my unit and I. We are just doing our normal routine, making sure everything is secure. Phillips starts singing some random song making the rest of us laugh.

"Come on Davies, belt something out for us." He says once he's done.

"Pfft. Don't even." I say as I readjust my pack. "Your bad singing is enough torture everyone, no need to bring me down with you."

Everyone laughs and I smile at how good it feels to actually be a part of the unit. I just fought alongside them but being able to joke and laugh and be with them in a way I didn't attempt to before, makes it easier. I finally understand the second family aspect of this and I guess I had to get reacquainted with my original one to be able to be a part of this one.

After a long day we all sit and eat together and I think about how my mother is probably having the Carlin's over for dinner. She's made it a weekly thing and I'm grateful because Spencer's presence will be beneficial for both of them. They have each other to look after. I think about the letter that I sent Spencer in the stack that I sent my family and wonder how many times she's read this one.

In one of the letters from her father he told me she's been obsessed with watching the news. I wish she wouldn't. It's bad enough missing her. I don't want to worry about all the things they show her through the media. She's going to make herself crazy but I know Spencer. She is a consistent person, and stubborn. Once she's got her mind set on something she'll do it. So I know even if I told her to stop, unless I'm back home she'll do everything in her power to know if I'm okay. This is just another reason I send her as many letters as I can aside from missing her, it's to give her peace of mind.

–

I eat my dinner quietly listening to my mates joke and tease each other. My mind is busy thinking about Spencer. I'm looking forward to seeing her in my dreams. I can't stop reliving the memories of our times together, think about how quickly I fell in love with her. I've spent more time away from her than with her and it doesn't feel like it. People could mistake our bond for a couple that has been together for years. The emotions moved so quickly that I can't disagree with how it looks because it feels that way.

I retreat to my bunk , dropping onto my bed; staring at the roof of the tent that's covering my bunk. I rest my hands behind my head as I think about my girl. I think about everything that got us where we are. The idle mind does what it does best as I think about how things could have been different if I never lost Aiden and Madison. I think about my past feelings and compare them to the ones I have now.

Would I have broken Madison's heart if I met Spencer in passing? How different would my life be if I never came to the army? Would Madison and I have lasted as long if we had gotten together? My mind reels with unnecessary questions. I get up to grab a blank sheet of paper and start to write Spencer and honestly tell her how my mind has been thinking about my best friends. I tell her how I've been missing them, think about how things would be if they were alive. I tell her how I think I would have still fallen for her and still made the promise to her of forever. A letter isn't enough though, I haven't spoken to her for sometime so I put in an order for some phone time. Now all I have to do is wait for the okay. Waiting seems to be all I do and time doesn't seem to be moving as fast as I would like. Half way through October and there is still so many weeks keeping me from being where I crave to be. Next to Spencer.

My heart races as the phone rings. I'm not sure if Spencer is home but I'm sending a silent prayer up hoping that my timing is perfect. After the second ring I hear the line get picked up, and I smile at the voice of the older blonde.

"Hello?"

"Hey Mrs. Carlin."

"Ashley! My goodness it's so nice to hear your voice. How are you?"

"I'm well, yourself?"

We talk for a few minutes until I politely ask if Spencer is around. I hear her shout out Spencer's name and my heart skips a beat.

" Yes she's right here hold on. You've must've sense her she literally walked in a few seconds ago."

I laugh and she puts me on hold. I hear some ruffling on the phone and I patiently wait for her to speak. I smile widely at her greeting.

"Hey baby!" She sounds so excited and my heart melts. I get comfortable leaning against the wall I'm sitting against.

"How's my beautiful girl doing?" I ask trying to be smooth, sometime you still have to put the effort in. Just because she's mine doesn't mean I don't want to treat her as if I was still trying to make her mine. Even though she did all the work. I smile at the irony.

"Ugh, terrible. I miss you so much.." I laugh because that's the answer she gives me every time I ask her. It's good to know even if the answer never changes.

"I miss you too. I managed to get some phone time at our base out here so of course I called you. I'm glad I caught you. I know we haven't spoken in a while."

It has been a long time. We only have like eight more weeks left of being apart but it's been a while since I've sent a letter or spoken to her. I've had a ton of detail so it's been hard. It breaks my heart because I don't want her to think that I'm not trying to talk to her. I especially don't want her to think that I don't miss her because I miss her more than I can express.

"Me too. I've been thinking about you so much."

I've been thinking about her nonstop myself. "Good, exactly how I like it. How is everyone?" I go to her for the reports because I won't be able to speak to anyone for a while. I've gotten word from my sergeant that we've received a tip that there is some activity going on involving a potential threat and we've been spending a lot of time preparing for this raid. We don't leave for some time though but we definitely want to be on guard. We've all done really well with keeping each other safe, knowing well that there are people waiting for each of us back home.

"Good they miss you obviously. I've been keeping up with everyone." I'm glad she is. I really appreciate that she's building these relationships with all these people. It shows me how dedicated she is to me. Also it's easier for me when I get back home to stay with her and them not having to designate specific time for each person. She can be with me whenever I go to see everyone again.

I here sounds of ammunition in the background and they slowly get softer. I shake my head at my girlfriend. She does not listen to a word I say.

"Spencer…" I warn and I hear her sigh. I know I don't have to say anything after that my tone is enough.

"I know…"She responds.

"I told you stop doing that. Everything is okay. Trust me, my unit is being extremely cautious and we are watching each others back. We are trained babe…" I attempt to reassure her.

"I know but…" She tries to argue but I cut her off not giving her a chance to counter.

"What did I promise you?" It's not a rhetorical question. I want her to answer so she can remind herself. Also remind me a bit so I don't forget that I'm not just fighting for myself. I have people waiting for me back home. I'm not planning on letting anyone down. Especially her.

"That you'd come back." She answers monotonously. I smirk.

"Have I let you down before?" Another non-rhetorical question. She groans. "Come on baby answer the question."

"No you've never let me down before."

"And I won't now." I answer and I see my sergeant pass by and he shouts loudly for her.

"She's a machine!"

I roll my eyes, shaking my head. I laugh as he does this silly dance. "Zip it Conrad!" I threaten my commanding officer playfully and he pouts, then whimpers and scurries away. I apologize to my girlfriend.

"It's fine, Was that one of your platoon buddies, you were telling me about in your letters?"

Even though he is in charge of the unit he'd prefer if we saw him as an equal when off duty. "Yeah that's Zach Conrad, he's a trip. He's such a character, has the energy of a two year old never winds down. Always talks when everyone wants to sleep."

She laughs at my description of Zach and it feels so nice to hear that sound. We talk idly and manage a good half hour before I get notice that it's time for me to finish up. I sigh and we reluctantly say our goodbye. We hang up and I miss her already. I've seriously got it bad.

–

I take my helmet off and release my tight bun. I notice another package on my bunk and I smile as I think about my mother. Even all the way over here she still finds a way to spoil me. I use my knife to open up the box and see a note from each of my family members. I read the one from my dad first as he tells me about how my mother's been, sports teams, and work. I love his goofy personality. I read the next letter from my mother and she mentions the good talk that she had with Spencer. I'm happy that my mother isn't as heartbroken as she's been from my past deployments. She's got a lot more people this time and I'm grateful for their presence. I read and laugh out loud when I read Tyler's letter. He informs that he's taking great care of Spencer. He's doing exactly what I asked, he's such a sweet boy. I miss him terribly and I can't wait to see him again. He told me about the day he had with Spencer and Doc. My heart melted when he said that he was happy that I found someone to love because now he had two big sisters. He tells me that Spencer misses me and that everyone is ready for me come home.

I drop into my bed and start my reply back to them as I eat my pack of gushers that my mother sent me. They are so delicious. I've got a serious addiction to these juicy candies. I finish up my letters and my sergeant comes into the bunks. By the look on his face I know it's time for us to make a move on the tip that he heard about a couple of weeks back. I'll finish up these letters when I get back.

We pile into our vehicles, a four Humvee convey, and head towards the site of the tip. I take a deep breath, readying myself for whatever may be coming.

"You okay Davies?" Private Roy hits me on my arm, pulling me from my thoughts. I readjust my weapon in my hands, nodding my head. "Everything's gonna be fine." He shrugs and smiles. I nod, his words giving me a bit a reassurance. He's only been with our unit for a few months but he's been a great addition. He's a cool kid.

"Thanks Roy." He nods and turns back around on his seat. As the twenty of us from my unit drive down the dirt path of the streets, we're met by two other units that join our convey. We reach our destination.

We get out the car cautiously; weapons raised, eyes alert. I train my weapon in front of me as we make our way into the building. Sergeant Conrad puts his hand up in front of us, pulling his fingers down into a fist. We all stop and wait for direction. He bends down, listening to his surroundings. It's quiet. Eerily quit. He stands, holding up three fingers and points to his left. Roy and two other soldiers flank left and when he does the same with his right three soldiers behind me do the same. He turns and points to me and Samuels to follow him and keep our eyes peeled. I raise my weapon as I move to follow my leader.

I glance back and the rest of the convoy is making their way either left, right or upstairs. Conrad guides us out a back door that leads to some sort of construction site. We point our weapons high, checking our surroundings for hostiles. I'm not exactly sure what the tip was that we got only that there was potential danger to the United States and for that we move. No questions asked. The metal bars and plastic covering the middle part of the construction area is making me uneasy. We can't really see what's behind them.

"We clear?" Conrad asks. Samuel's and I survey as best as we can, but it's hard to get a clear visual.

"There's too many blind spots." I whisper as we move further into the yard. If there are hostiles, we're sitting ducks right now.

"I don't like this Sergeant." Samuel's says and I wholeheartedly agree with her.

"Fall back." He instructs us and we do as we're told, keeping our weapons raised at the openings in the construction. I hear someone shout something in a different language and before we know it, we're being ambushed. Shots ring out and I drop to the ground as quickly as possible, firing back in every direction I assume the shots are coming from.

"Hostiles at ten and two." Samuel's shouts.

"I'm hit, I'm hit." I hear Conrad's voice.

"Samuels cover me." I instruct her. I duck my head and put my weapon in my right hand as I make my way over to him. I do my best to drag him from the line of fire but like I said before we're sitting ducks out here.

"We need a medic!" Samuel's shouts as the some other soldiers come out to help us. I sit Conrad against the wall and pull open his vest to survey to damage.

"How bad is it?" He let's out a dry laugh as I look down at his womb. It went through the vest and into his stomach. The gun shots continue to ring out in my ears.

"I need to flip you over." I shout to him and he just nods. I turn him over to see if there's an exit womb. There isn't. I put him back to his original position and I'm sure the look on my face is saying it all right now.

"It's bad." He says plainly and I shake my head.

"I need to get you out of here and to the medic." I tell him and go to pick him up.

"No." He shakes his head. "You're gonna get your self killed Davies."

"There's too many Corporal, we need to fall back." I hear Samuel's shout. But I'm not leaving Conrad behind.

"Come help me with Conrad." I shout. Samuel's backs her way over to us, continuing to fire as the two soldiers that joined us cover her. I'm not sure where the rest of the soldiers are but I'm assuming that they were ambushed as well.

"You'll never make it to that door carrying me." Conrad shouts at us as we try to pick him up.

We're not leaving you!" I shout to him.

"I'm not gonna make it anyways." He forces out a laugh as he mouth begins to fill with blood. He looks down at his wound, placing a hand over it and pulling it away to look at the blood. "You all need to get out of here. Get these troops out of here Davies. You have to get them out of here." He says sternly. I stare at him, begging him to not make me do what he's asking me to.

"You're their leader now Corporal, now go!" He shouts and coughs up blood. I fight back the building tears. I can't cry, I can't be weak. I have to be strong. I have to get the rest of my guys out of here.

"I'm sorry Sergeant." I bend down and say. He reaches around his neck and pulls his dog tags off, handing them to me. Could you give these to my mom." He says and more blood pools in his mouth. "She lives in Springfield, Missouri. Could you tell her that I love her." He says as tears start to fall. He's only twenty five years old. He should be able to go home and tell his mother himself.

"I will." I nod as I stuff the dog tags into my pocket.

"Now go." He shouts pushing us away. I turn, aiming my gun and firing at the hostiles. I hit two easily and a third one that was running for cover. But no matter how many I hit more keep coming. We start to fall back,making our way back into the building, trying to avoid the flying bullets. I hear another soldier yell 'bomber' as we make our way back to the front of the building. I scan my surroundings quickly as I instruct the three soldiers behind me to keep moving out the door. I'm in charge now, I need to make sure everyone gets out okay.

I turn to my right and from the side of the building I see a hostile walking towards us with a bomb strapped to their chest and enough C4 to take down this entire building. I yell as loudly as possible for everyone to fall back but it's too loud in here. The soldiers that were clearing the upstairs haven't made it down but I can't stay here.

"Corporal!" I hear someone to my left yell. I look over to see Private Freeman on the ground. I rush over to him, he's been shot in the leg. I need to get him out before the bomber detonates. I flip my weapon over my shoulder and use all my strength to lift him up and drag him towards the door. "Get those cars started now!" I yell to the soldiers outside. But it's too late. The bomber detonates and everyone that hadn't made it far enough from the building goes flying.

I try to sit up, but the ringing in my ears and the fact that the ground is spinning is making it difficult.

"We have to move!" Samuel's shouts to me. I try to shake my head clear. To make myself focus on the task at hand. Getting out of here. Samuel's helps me to my feet and I look around; the blast killing another four people. I nearly drop to the ground again. I watch as Freeman is loaded into a Humvee and Samuels is at my side again. "Corporal we really have to move, now!" She yells again I know she's right. There could be more hostiles moving in on our location. I nod and stand again, securing my weapon in my hand and shout out orders.

"Check them!" I yell to no one in particular as I point at the soldiers laying on the ground. Two Privates do as they're told, but we find no other survivors. "Load up and move out now!" I instruct everyone and I don't have to say it a second time. We load into all the Humvees and move the convoy back towards camp. We keep an out out in case we're being followed.

The drive back is silent. A huge difference from when we were on our way here. Phillips was making a joke about something I can't even remember now. It kept our hearts light so the adrenaline didn't overwhelm us. The unexpected got the best of us and we lost a bunch of good men and women. I left a good man behind. I could've done more. I should've done more. I try my best to not let the guilt get to me. I run my thumb over the engravings of his dog tags.  
I feel a gentle squeeze on my shoulder. I look over to Samuel's. She's always giving pep talks, giving words of wisdom to get you lift your head up just a bit higher. I'm not sure it's going to work this time. My face tells her so and she just nods her head keeping quiet. I appreciate the effort though.

We get back to base and since I'm in charge now I have to speak with the casualty assistance officer and let them know about Sergeant Conrad. I'm not sure who else we lost back there. Their were a couple other units and I wasn't familiar with each of them. The rest of my team quietly head to their bunks and take a moment to gather themselves. It's hard to lose your commanding officer, but in this circumstance we didn't only lose our commanding officer we lost a friend.

"Where's Quinn and Abel?" I look around, noticing two others that left with us are not here.

"Everyone looks around, I guess in the mayhem we didn't even notice that they were missing. I drop my head and sigh. That's three people from my unit. I'm hoping they just got in the wrong Humvee within all the chaos. I don't think I can take two more deaths.

I get into my bunk and finally allow myself to cry. I keep it quiet and make it quick because it's not an emotion I'm allowed to wallow in for too long. I sniffle, wipe my face and make my way to deliver news that I wish I didn't have to.

–

"Davies!" I whip my head up from the letter I'm writing to Spencer. It's been three days since the incident, luckily, Quinn and Abel were okay. They were in the wrong Humvee. But the death of Sergeant Conrad left me in charge and things have been pretty hectic with the scouring through of the wreckage so the families of fellow soldiers can be notified.

I stand up quickly and salute my Staff Sergeant. He salutes back and orders me to stand at ease. I place both hands behind my back and look straight ahead waiting for orders.

"I just wanted to say sorry for your loss Corporal."

"Thank you sir."

"You've done well maintaining your team. However we've found a replacement. Now you can shoulder the responsibility."

"Yes sir."

"Also I know you're scheduled to be discharged in a couple weeks but we're going to relocate you for further east to help Sergeant Hayward train a new set of privates, can you handle that Corporal?"

"Yes sir." I nod once.

"You ship off in a couple of hours. Quickly pack up your gear and head out."

"Yes sir." I tell him again and he turns to head out. I drop out of my stance and take a seat on my bunk. It's been over a week since I've been able to get a letter out to anyone or call. Training a new set of Privates won't give me much time to do that. I need to get something to them so the don't start to worry though. I sigh and shake the thoughts of home from my head. As much as I miss them I know I have to focus on what's going here. I have to stay focused so I can make it back to the ones I love.

–

Training these new Privates has proven to be more difficult than expected. I've never seen a group more reluctant to learn and the attitudes on the better half of them is ridiculous. I've had most of them running laps around the base to teach them lessons, but it's hard when they don't care. I don't understand... if you don't won't to be here, then why are you? There are good people that fight with integrity and die. And you want to complain about how bad the conditions are?

"That's enough for today!" I shout to the privates as they run past me for the 27th time. The equivalent of about nine miles. "Hit the showers and then clean your weapons, I wanna see not one speck of dirt on them when I check them."

"Wiping them into shape huh Davies?" Corporal Milton walks up behind me as the Privates file into their barracks mumbling and groaning about the workout I just put them through.

I shake my head. "Trying."

"You're set to head back to the states in what a week?" He asks. I nod. "You gonna re-up?" I turn and narrow my eyes at him. I never thought about it. Honestly, I never thought about any of this in the long term. What am I going to do with my life once I get out of the army if I chose not to re-up? I've never been especially great at anything. I never really had any amazing talents. The only thing I was ever really good at was hanging out and having fun with my friends.

"I don't know." I shrug.

"Well whatever you decide I think you'd make one hell of a BCT. We wouldn't have to worry about anything with the soldiers you send over." He chuckles as he pats me on the shoulder.

"Thanks Milton." I turn away from him as he walks away, watching the last of the Privates file in to barracks.

I never really thought about what my life would be like once I left Afghanistan, but maybe it's time that I do.

–

I smile as I sit down at my desk. I finally get to finish up this letter to Spencer.

_Dear Spencer,_

_ I'm sorry I haven't written in a while. I've been trying but things have been so hectic lately that it's been hard. I know you've probably seen on the news by now about the attacks and the death of Sergeant Conrad. I just want to let you know that I'm okay. Sergeant Conrad died being as brave as he was when he was alive. I miss him... his ridiculous jokes and bubbly personality. He was a good soldier and an even better man. He gave me his dog tags to give to his mom, she lives in Springfield, Missouri. I was wondering if you'd like to go with me when I went to give them to her. She deserves to know how amazing her son was. They've had me training Privates the last few weeks and I must admit, it's been hard. I don't think I was this stubborn when I first got in, these new recruits are ridiculous. My time here is almost done and I can't help but think of what I'm gonna do once I leave here. I'd never thought about it before to be honest. I don't think I really had a reason to. But now, I have you and my family and I just wanna make sure I'm the best I can be for each of you. And a good example for Ty. Maybe it's something we can discuss when I get home. After we have the longest make out session in history of course. Would you tell my parents, the Dennisons, and Duartes that I'm okay. I will only be able to get out this one letter and I just want them to know that I'm alright. Could you also tell my mom that Conrad said thanks for the cookies and that he loved them. I don't know when this letter will get to you but maybe I'll be home by the time you read it. I love you. _

_ Ashley_


	27. Coming Home

Sorry this took so long to get out. I have caught yet another cold smh. I stay getting sick. I blame my crappy immune system. No amount of vitamins seem to help it. Anyways, this is the last chapter and I really hope I don't disappoint anyone and I hope everyone enjoys it. Let me know either way, yes? There may be an epilogue in a week or two, I haven't really decided yet. I want to thank everyone that has stuck with this story from the beginning and have encouraged me throughout the process, you are all super amazing.

* * *

I wipe my tears away from my eyes. I've been crying for days. It's worse than when I lost Glen. At least I knew I lost him. This...this time I'm not even sure. The site of that building was heartbreaking and the fact that I still haven't heard from Ashley isn't giving me very much hope.

I just can't help but wonder...what if we haven't heard anything from her or the army because she's still inside that building and they can't find her? My negative thinking is interrupted when I hear a knock at my door. I don't tell whoever it is to come in, but they do anyway.

"Spencer honey? Can you please at least eat something?"

I sigh as my mother comes into my pitch black room. I've covered up my windows pretty well. I already feel dark, might as well let it swallow me up and be one with it.

"Not hungry." I tell her honestly. I haven't had an appetite since I heard and the anxiety I feel every time I hear the phone ring, the mailman pull up, or the doorbell makes it impossible to hold anything down.

"At least try sweetie."

"Mom, please!" I shout. I feel bad as soon as I do. I've been doing that a lot since she left; snapping at people. I know she wouldn't approve. She doesn't want me to be that way. Being with her brings out the best in me but being without her...I barely recognize myself.

I mumble out an apology and I think she nods. The light from the hallway is piercing my vision. I've held myself up in this room for so long that I don't know what time it is. I don't care. Until I know my girlfriend is okay nothing else matters anyway. That's the worst part, the not knowing, it's like the hospital all over again. I get her back for her to leave me again.

I feel myself getting angry at her and I argue that it's not fair that I do. Who am I supposed to be angry with then? I forget my mother's presence and feel a fresh set of hot tears streaming down my face. I don't fight her as she sits on my bed and grabs me.

I bury my face into her neck, scream my tears out. My chest is constricting, I can't really breathe, my head is pounding but it's been like that since I've heard. My mother coos me, rocking me back and forth. I guess you never really get too old to be coddled by your mother when you're in pain. The love of my life is missing and I feel myself getting lost with everyday that passes. I need her back, I need to find myself in her again. She did it for me once before she can do it this time around. She just needs to come back to me... she will come back to me.

Right?...

–

"Spencer get up." Chelsea pulls me from the bed.

"No." I mumble, burying myself in my mountain of covers. '

"You haven't left this bed in over a week Spencer, I know what you're going through right now, I promise you I do. But I need you to get out of this bed and take a shower..." I open one eye to look at her. She's pinching her nose closed and making a face. "...then get dressed. I'm taking you somewhere."

"No." I tell her again, turning around to look at my wall. My mom tried this last week. It's not gonna work.

She sighs and sits down on the bed next to me. I feel her place a hand on my back I almost immediately burst into tears. This isn't healthy, it can't be.

"I know that you're worried. But what did you tell me about Ashley a couple months after knowing her?" She questions, I turn to look at her tears slowly making their way down my face.

"That she was one of the strongest people you'd ever met." I get out.

"That's right." Chelsea nods and smiles a little as she wipes the tears from my face. "She's strong Spencer and she made you a promise. Has she ever broken a promise to you?"

"No." I shake my head and sniffle.

"And she won't." I stare at my best friend, relishing in the truth of her words. Ashley hasn't let me down before and I know that she's not going to start now.

She promised to come back and I know she will.

I sit up and swing my legs off the bed.

"Thanks Chels." I force a smile at my best friend.

"It's nothing." She shrugs. "That's what I'm here for. Now you seriously need to go shower. I'm not taking you anywhere with me smelling like a dead hobo." She says seriously, causing me burst into laughter.

"Alright Alright, I got it." I stand up, shaking my head.

"I'll be waiting downstairs." She thumbs towards the door as she stands up from the bed. I nod and she heads downstairs.

I'm not sure if my parent's called her or if she came over on her own free will, but I'm so glad to have a friend like her. I smile, lifting my shirt over my head as I make my way into the bathroom.

–

"Thank you for bringing me here Chels."I look over to my friend with a sad smile. It's been almost two weeks since I've visited my spot and I'm bit angry with myself. It's not fair for Glen to suffer because I wanna lay in bed all day and mope about my girlfriend not calling or writing me.

"Sure." She nods.

"I'm sorry I've been neglecting you, Glen. I've just been a bit sad that's all. I'm sad because there was an accident with Ashley's unit and I'm not for sure if she's okay or not. I'm just having a hard time with the not knowing."

"Your girls a fighter." I hear Glen's voice and it's not how it usually is. I mean, his voice is the same it's just... it feels like here's here with me, sitting down beside me. I glance over at Chelsea and she's just staring out at the ocean. Did she not hear that?

"Glen?" I call to him in a questioning tone causing Chelsea to look at me. She's heard me talk to him before but I know she can tell that this is different.

"I'm here baby sis." He says I nearly jumped out of my clothes.

"Here, here?" I question. From the corner of my eye I see Chelsea smile and stand up from the sand. I think she's giving me some privacy.

"Yes, here." Glen chuckles and I fight back a wave of tears.

"How?" I whisper/choke out.

I can see him shrug in my head as he moves closer to me in the sand and wrap his arms around me.

"How does anything happen really?" He turns to me with a smile.

"I'm sorry that I haven't been here in a while, I've just-"

"I know." He nods, cutting me off. "I'm here to tell you to stop worrying. You have to stop Spence."

"Do you know something?" I turn and look at him. He smiles.

"I know that I need you to stop worrying so much. I told you, you're gonna get wrinkles." He tries to touch my face and I imagine slapping his hand away.

"I need to know that she's okay, Glen. I just... I hate that I don't know anything. I'm completely in the dark." I shrug and drop my head. The pain of that statement piercing my heart.

"You love her right?" I turn to look at him and nod. "Then trust her to keep her promise because she loves you too." He finishes his statement and looks off toward the ocean. "I think I miss being here with you the most. Watching you bust your ass." He chuckles and I slap his arm.

"I've gotten pretty good now you know." I say matter of factly.

"I know." He nods and stands up. "I've got to go baby sis."

"So soon?" I stand up with him.

"Duty calls." He shrugs and puts that goofy grin on his face.

"You're too lazy to have any type of job big bro, no offense." I smile as he feigns insult.

"I'll have you know I have the most important job any dead person could ever have."

"Oh yeah," I chuckle out. "and what's that?" I pop a brow and put my hand on my hip. He smiles wide before leaning over and ruffling my hair.

"Watching after you. I love you Spence." He says as he starts to walk towards the ocean.

"Will you come back?" I yell after him.

"I'm never more than a thought away, Spence." And just as quickly as he appeared he's gone. I let a sad smile play at my lips before sighing and turning to head over to where Chelsea scampered off to.

"Better?" She asks once I reach her. She knows that coming here usually helps me and I must admit, I do feel a lot better.

"Yeah." I smile and nod. "Come on, let's go." I grab her hand and lead her towards the parking lot.

–

"Spencer!" Tyler shouts as Chelsea and I enter the house. He wraps his arms around my legs and I can't help but smile down at him.

"Well I'm here too Ty." Chelsea laughs and shakes her head at the seven year old.

"I'm sorry." He shakes his head as he detaches from me. Almost every time I've visited the Davies house Chelsea has been with me and she's of course grown to love the youngest of the clan. "How are you today Chelsea?" He looks up and ask as he hugs her legs.

She glances at me and I shrug. She should be used to his advanced vocabulary by now. "I'm doing great buddy." She ruffles his hair and he just chuckles.

"Hey Spence, you know my birthday is in three days." He beams up at me.

"I know." I say as we walk towards the kitchen. "What are you gonna be, twenty?" He chuckles, bending over to grab his stomach.

"Eight silly." He continues to laugh as we enter the kitchen.

"Well hello there Spencer and Chelsea, what a pleasant surprise." Mrs. Davies greets us with a hug.

"Hello Mrs. Davies." Chelsea and I say in unison.

I share a quick look with Chelsea and she just nods. She knows I want a minute alone with Christine. This is the first time in a while that I've been alone with her. The last time we talked it was refreshing to know that someone understood exactly what I am going through.

"Hey Ty how about I beat you on one of your video games." Chelsea suggests. He just snorts and grabs her hand.

"You'll only beat me if I let you win." There idle chatter grows fainter the farther they walk away from the kitchen. I grab a seat on one of the stools at the island. I clear my throat and Christine looks up at me with a soft smile. She stops looking in her cookbook. I admire how well she's holding herself together.

"How are you sweetie.?" She asks me and look down as I pick at my nails. I just shake my head. I won't allow myself to get upset. If Christine can stay strong, then so can I. She comes around and sits next to me. She rests her hand against my back.

"How do you do it?" I force myself to ask. I look at her and my eyes are stinging as I keep the tears from falling.

She sighs and sits up straight.

"I remember who my daughter is. Ashley is a lot of things and I know that she's not invincible. A mother never thinks their kids are, but Ashley will be damned if she allows herself to be proven wrong."

That only helps a little. I know she promised and she's kept them before but the world's a shitty place and there is only so much we can do.

"Did you hear..." I let the rest of the question hang in the air. I know she knows what I'm referring to. She only nods. "Have you heard from Ashley recently?"

If anyone would it's her mother but I'm disappointed when she shakes her head. "Not for some time now."

I was afraid of that. I pull my bottom lip into my mouth and control the wave of sorrow that washes over me. Christine rubs my back gently.

"Spencer, when you're given something to fight for, no obstacle is unbeatable. She's a lot closer to home than we're giving her credit for."

"So you think she's okay?" I ask hopeful. I'm scared to hope for good things because there's a small possibility that the good is bad in disguise.

"I know she is."

I was really worried, but now I feel guilty for not believing in Ashley. I believe in who we are and who I am to her. We've both come so far, we're so close to the finish line. This can't be the end now. I just nod allowing myself to be as optimistic as Christine.

"Are you free for dinner tonight? I already talked to your parents but I didn't want to assume you were..."

I just nod and quickly accept the invitation. She hugs me, holds me tight and I smile wide. She tells me not to worry and I take her word to heart. I thank her for her reassurance and she shoos me out of the kitchen so she can get ready for her barbecue dinner later. I head into the den to grab Chelsea. She's in the middle of some game with Tyler and I have to practically force her away from the game. Tyler offers a rematch later and I smile as she eagerly takes him up on it. I hug the little guy goodbye and I leave the small family behind until it's time to see them again in a few short hours.

–

"Thanks again for taking me out. I needed it."

"I know." My best friend smiles brightly as I open the car door. I just shake my head at her.

"Modesty, you ever met him?" I quirk a brow.

"Who?" She asks. I chuckle, closing the door behind me.

"See you tomorrow?"

"Maybe." She shrugs. "You might be busy though. You know... laying in her bed the whole day."

I roll my eyes and she just flashes a bright grin before pulling off. Obviously I'm trying not to be in bed all day, that's why I'm asking her to hang out. I check the mailbox and see there's a letter from Ashley. My heart skips a beat as I bend over and release a sigh relief because it's postmarked after the newscast. I feel as though a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I wonder why Mrs. Davies didn't say anything about getting a letter from Ashley, did she not get one?

I waste no time opening the letter. It's so good to see her hand writing again. I never thought something as simple as seeing her handwriting again could be so important.

I smile as I read the first line. I know that she's sorry. She knows I'm gonna yell at her again for disappearing on me. My smile quickly fades as I read the next line. I knew that Sgt. Conrad had passed but I'm not sure why it's a bit harder hearing it from Ashley. I read as she tells me she misses him and that she wants me to go with her to give his mother his dog tags. Of course I will. I continue to read about her training recruits and how she wants to talk about the future, after we have a really long make out session. I smile as I reach the front door of my house. I finish up the letter with her saying by the time I read this she'd be here.

I wish.

I fold up the letter and stuff it back into the envelope.

I walk into my house to find my pup and parent's sitting on the couch.

"Hey guys." I greet them as I place the rest of the mail on the table in the foyer.

"Hey honey, how was your day?" They turn and smile.

"Why are you both smiling so hard?" I question them with a confused look.

"You went out today." My mom beams at me.

"Mhm." I nod. "You know that Chelsea, she's hard to say no to."

"Sure sure. Are you feeling any better?" My dad asks.

"Actually I am." I smile and wave the letter in the air. "I got a letter from Ashley. She's okay."

"Oh that's wonderful honey. I bet Christine and Raife are so relieved." My mom stands up from the couch.

"Actually, Ashley was only able to get one letter out this time around. So I've got to tell them. I was just going up to my room now to call them." I tell my mom who nods and sits back down. Her and my dad share a look before both turning back to me.

"We're glad things are okay Spence." My dad smiles and nods once. I do the same before calling to doc to 'come.' He hops down and runs over to me happily. I've been a bit neglectful of him as well.

"Hey boy." I say and enthusiastically rub his fur. He barks and follows me up to my room. I bend down to rub him happily as I open my door and enter. He barks again causing me to look up.

Oh.

My.

God.

"You're..." I trail off as her lips curl up into a smile.

"I am." She nods and stands up from my bed.

"How did you... when did you... ooooh my sneaky sneaky parents." I ramble causing her to giggle. "You're really here. You're right here." I move closer to her. Doc taking a seat by the door. I think he can sense what's about to happen. "I..." I pause, trying to find the right words as I stop in front of her. She's so close I can smell her. Ugh! She smells heavenly even after being on a plane for God knows how long. "You're..." I start again. No words seem to be the right words, so I do the only thing that comes to mind at the moment...

"Ow." She half shouts, Doc barks as she grabs her face and gives me a confused look. "What was that for?" She questions as she continues to hold the spot I just slapped.

"Don't you ever scare me like that again, Ashley Davies. Do you understand me?" I tell her firmly. Her eyes shrink back to their normal size as she nods, pulling her hand down from her face. Oh no, it's red. I hit her too hard.

"I promise jeez." She says as her lips curl up into a smile. "But you didn't have to-"  
Yeah she's done talking now. I grab the back of her head, pulling her into a kiss. It's been months since I've felt her lips on mine and I can't wait another second. The kiss quickly turns heated as I part my lips and allow her to deepen it. I'm trying to keep it together right now, knowing that my parents are right downstairs and my dog's gaze is on us.

"Spencer.." Ashley pulls back and tries.

"No no." I cut her off, kissing her again. She chuckles and pulls back again. I whimper and she just pecks me.

"As much as I would love to keep kissing you right now, you're the first person I came to see and I'm afraid that if I don't stop now, I won't be able to." She swallows thickly the shade her usually brown eyes are tell me that she's not joking.

"Fine." I whine out. "But you promise me that later we'll-"

"Oh I promise." She says in a raspy tone and I seriously fight the urge to moan. She places another chaste kiss on my lips as she laces our fingers together. "I can't believe you slapped me." She smiles and I shrug.

"I think you deserved it." I smile.

"I definitely did not." She pouts and I lean over and kiss it away quickly. "Thank you." She perks up.

"Tyler is gonna go nuts." I chuckle at the possible reactions of the seven year old. Wait... I go back to Chelsea's statement in my head. "Did everyone but me know you were coming back today?" I stop my girlfriend as we reach the steps.

She shrugs and smiles. "Maybe."

"Ugh! Why am I always the last to know everything?"

"It was supposed to be a surprise."

"Whatever." I grumble out and she chuckles. "Come on boy." I call to my pup and he runs out of my room and down the stairs with us.

"You guys ready to head out?" My parent's ask once we reach the bottom step.

"Seriously?" I turn to my girlfriend. "My parent's before me?" I quirk a brow.

"Someone had to let me in so I could surprise you." She's about to smile but the glare I'm giving her makes her change her mind. My parents laugh at us.

"Oh that's some mark there Ashley." My dad says, examining Ashley's face. Ashley glances at me briefly.

"Yeah, I ran into a door." She replies coolly. "A hand shaped door." She adds causing both my parent's to laugh and Doc to bark. My mom shakes her head as we all start towards the door.

"Well I'm sure that door is..."

"Don't even mom." I cut her off with narrowed eyes. She throws her head back in laughter before pretend zipping her lips and tossing the key away.

"To the Davies residence we go." My dad says unnecessarily as he closes the door behind us.

I haven't let go of Ashley's hand since we left the house. She's laughing at how tightly I'm holding it but I don't care. It'll be a while before I let it go. It's a pry out of cold dead fingers situation. My parents are talking to her about her flight home and how much they've missed having her around. I'm staring at her like some mute. I'm still taking her in. The amount of joy I'm feeling is insurmountable. I don't even realize that we pull up in front of Ashley's house. My parents let Doc out and I take a few minutes with my girlfriend.

"We don't have to rush in babe." She tells me.

"I know, I just want you for just a few minutes longer." I let a small smile appear as she squeezes my hand tighter. "I know there's gonna be a ton of people that knew you were home excited to see you."

She laughs softly at my scowl. I kiss the spot that I slapped feeling a tiny bit bad about it. Only a tiny bit though.

"I honestly just wanted you to be the first person I saw. I had to let my mom know I was here or I'd have that over my head for the rest of my life."

I just nod. Technically my parents were the first people that she saw but I won't rain on her parade. Her gesture was sweet.

It's such a surreal feeling to have her in front of me right now. I've spent the last few weeks not knowing if she was okay and now she's here and I just... I wanna stay here in this moment with her forever.

"I'm sorry I don't know why I keep..." She shushes me and kisses both my eyes.

"It's okay." She shakes her head. "I cried before you got home." She turns completely to look at me. "I promise that from this day forward you'll only cry tears of joy with me." I breath out a soft laugh at her promise. I believe that to be true. I'll forever believe every promise she makes me.

"I love you, Ashley." I say barely above a whisper. She leans her head against mine, closing her eyes.

"You're everything that's kept me going these past months. I love you so much Spencer. I don't know if I would have made it without the thought of knowing I get to come home to your beautiful face." I close my eyes at her words. Leaning forward a little to kiss her lips. She has no idea how much it means to me to hear that.

"Ashley." I choke out, pulling back as the tears fall again.

"I know baby." She nods against my head. "I know." She lifts my hand up and places it over her heart. "I will never leave you again. I promise."

"I don't think I could take it." I take a couple sharp breaths and Ashley opens her eyes, wiping away my tears yet again.

"Neither could I." She says with conviction. I believe every word that leaves her lips because she's never made me believe any different. I release a deep breath as my girlfriend smiles lovingly at me. She leans in and kisses me, taking my breath away. I will never get tired of this feeling. I could kiss her everyday forever. She pulls back, both our chest heaving up and down. "Ready?" She asks and though I'd rather just sit in the car and make out with her all day I know that we have to make an appearance, so I just nod. We get out of the car and walk hand in hand up the driveway. The amount of cars in the driveway lets me know how many people are here... everyone.

We both take a deep breath as we enter the house. It's a quiet walk from the front door to the backyard. As soon as everyone spots my girlfriend they all cheer. She lowers her head, slightly embarrassed as she wraps her arm around my waist. I do the same as we head into the small crowd together. The only way she and I should ever be.


End file.
